Adjusting the Sails

I haven't been myself for the last few days. I'm edgy and crabby. I feel sorry for my family who gets the worst of it. I want to yell, "I'm trying, really I am but change does not come quickly to me!!" Saturday afternoon I was just plain bitchy. My oldest had invited two extra teenagers to spend the night. Oh, and he forgot one little detail,"TO OK IT WITH ME"! However this is not entirely his fault. I need to set boundaries, so we discussed that this would not happen again unless he checked with me first. I also had a splitting headache and had invited my parents to dinner, so yes I could have better controlled the situation. As I was hauling the laundry basket upstairs, and feeling totally sorry for myself I remembered something that was said at the Saturday morning meeting, "You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails". Ahhh yes, I have problems with control. I want total control. I like to "microliz" everyone around me, because on days I feel really vulnerable with no control, I try to squeeze it out of everyone around me. I went upstairs and laid on the bed and took a "time out" for myself. What was really bugging me? The extra people coming over? No, I like a full house. The gloomy weather? No, at least all the snow had melted. What was it?! Perhaps the pain I felt that morning when a young woman poured her heart out, or the fact that I feel like I need to be doing something to promote change faster in my life, or the fact that my world has been turned upside down the last few weeks and it's finally starting to sink in. I got up, grabbed my workbook and started to look back on the exercises I had done with my sponsor. There it was. I need to take care of me. I need to focus on the things I can control and stop wasting energy on the things I can't. Nice and easy. I prayed and then adjusted my sails. I walked downstairs with a whole new attitude. And as you can guess, dinner was great (so was dessert, a Snickers torte) our oldest went driving and my husband said he did great! The two smaller kids went to bed early and my husband and the teenagers went off to see "Shutter Island". I was able to have some quiet time. A nice long soak in Lavendar, a cup of Peppermint tea, and an hour of reading. Adjusting my sail never would have occured to me before AA. I would have milked that crabby mood all day long. I am trying. I need to be content with that. 41 years of behavior isn't going to change overnight. Why are we alcoholics so damn hard on ourselves?! My sponsor always says, "If I could give you one thing right now it would be the gift of self love", and then she adds, "but it will come one 24 hours at a time". So for today I will be aware of the wind, and adjust my sails, and hopefully have smoother sailing than in the past.....