Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Bling, Bling moments, Chris Botti, and no sleep......

My sponsor refers to moments of clarity as "bling, bling moments". The light goes on and "bling, bling" it all makes sense. I had a few of those yesterday. I saw a nutritionist two days after entering AA. I have gained a lot of weight the past few years and I wanted to do something about it. I didn't share with this person that I was a recovering alcoholic, because I wasn't ready to drop that little tid bit at our first meeting. Well as per my usual weight loss cycle I did really well for two weeks and then once my emotions hit so did my sweet tooth and I blew it out of the water. She was looking over my journal when I burst into tears and blurted everything out. She was very sweet and then shared with me: she has upclose experience by growing up in a household with an alcoholic. She has attended many Al-Anon meetings as well as AA. Plus she had to take numerous psychology courses for her profession. She leaned across the table and said, "Normally I would tell you to just focus on your recovery but you have no self esteem so we are going to merge this with your 12 step program. You only have to eat healthy for 24 hours at a time. We will do this together". We talked about how I don't feel I'm worthy of loosing weight, how I sabatage myself within a week or two of starting any weight loss program. She also said, "It is so important that you start taking care of you and one of the ways you can do this is by making healthy choices." No pressure just 24 hours at a time. We finished our session and I felt like a weight had been taken off my shoulders. I will meet with her again in two weeks to see what progress we have made. It's amazing how God puts people in your life that will help you. It was a definate "bling, bling" moment. When I got home, videos needed to be returned to the video store, so I gathered up the children and let the oldest drive. He did pretty good. Followed all the rules and that's not easy when you are driving at night for only the second time. I noticed how large his hands are, and what long fingers he has. It seems just like yesterday that those fingers were interlaced with mine as we crossed the street when he was a toddler. Now he's 6ft. tall and wears a 13 shoe. Where does the time go? After the two youngest went to bed, I headed upstairs to do some journaling. I was listening to Chris Botti "Live in Boston" when the most beautiful song began to play. I grabbed the CD cover and discovered it was "Emmanuel" with Chris Botti on the trumpet, Lucia Micarelli on violin, and backed by the Boston Pops. The music was so beautiful and moving that I closed my eyes and let it wash over me like a wave hitting the shore. The sound of a clear concise trumpet sends shivers up my spine, and the violin (which is my favorite instrument) just reaches into the deep dark caverns of your soul, the places only you and God know about. I let the tears flow down my face, and I just lived in the moment of that wonderful music. I felt it. I used to avoid music, movies, or books that might tap emotions. My famous line used to be ," Is it sad? I can't watch it, or read it. Heaven forbid I get in tune to my feelings. I don't know why they scared me so, but they are here now. In every fiber of my being. I think I might be starting to just let them lap against my body. They are part of me. I need to live through them each and every day. So a little while later I crawled into bed exhausted, and then reality set in. I had had a diet coke earlier in the evening and now the caffeine was whipping through my brain. No sleep until the wee hours of the morn., so now I'm emotional and tired. But being tired isn't such a bad thing, it makes me more calm, and also more accepting, accepting to my feelings.......to listening to the will of God.....to looking for the bling, bling moments as they come....to being soley in this 24 hours....to finding me...

2 comments:

  1. What a well-written post, I loved this read. Thank you.
    PEACE!
    --Bling-Bling Violin Player Steve E

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