Flash 55 Friday

Last Call.....

The house is quiet
backpacks and lunch boxes line the
backdoor where they were deserted earlier.
No dog barking, no children laughing.
A beta fish moves without a sound in
his house of glass....
Where is everyone?
Gone to the lake for one last summer fling
before the leaves of autumn begin to fall.......


Mother Nature blew in a cold front, it feels like fall. We are headed to the lake, daytime kayaking, evening fires, loons calling and autumn knocking on the door. We need to pay our respects to summer before we settle into the change of seasons. Wishing you all a safe and happy Labor Day weekend.....

The ninth month, the ninth step.....

Last night my sponsor and I started working the ninth step. Making amends, looking at my motives as to why I want to make amends. To make sure those motives are pure and not just self-serving. This took a lot of truth, and on one of the person's involved, my sponsor suggested for the time being that it was best to leave this person alone, give them the time and space that they need while giving them the respect they deserve. This comes as a real revelation to someone like me. I have spent my whole life apologizing for things I have not done, just to "save the peace" or to move on. This is a frequent habit of mine with my husband. Numerous time I have apologized for things I have nothing to do with, just so there wouldn't be any bad feelings between us. My sponsor pointed out that feelings don't and won't always be happy. Alcoholics don't just avoid sadness, we avoid uncomfortableness, happiness, anger, frustration, confusion etc. you name it we can escape it. She suggested that I start working and living my feelings. If I'm angry be angry til it passes, if I'm happy, be happy, if I'm uncomfortable do not apologize for something I have no part in. This is a tough concept for me. I'm the fixer who now has to take a step back, move out of my HP's way and let things unfold for themselves. Part of doing the ninth step is to make myself feel better. To make a true amends, not a "quick fix". To my husband and children a living amends. I so desperately want to get this over with, sort of detour the feelings I need to work through. This is when I need to really lean on my HP, my sponsor and my program. We had a long session, which is probably just what I needed. Sometimes the amends can come in the form of just choosing a different reaction, behavior. Choosing not to repeat the behavior that didn't work. It doesn't have to be overly complicated or drawn out but it has to have a sincere motive behind it. As usual I was tired but happy when my sponsor left. Alex survived his first day of sophomore year. Was glad to see so many of his friends from last year, and was busy with homework last night. So all in all a good day. Different year, different choices.....it's a good thing......

Simple pleasures......

The last day of August. Heat and humidity are hanging in the air like white gauze veil, and storms are lurking on the horizon. Alex starts his sophomore year tomorrow. He joined the "Publishing Lab" at school (newspaper)and we mailed in his application for the leadership course. I am proud that he's getting out of his comfort zone and joining things that will expose him to many people and experiences. He is also taking art this year, a natural talent of his but we had to wait for him to appreciate his talents and want to develope them on his own. You know as a parent when you say something it's not as important as when they discover it on their own.lol I'm enjoying this new work schedule. I like being in the office before everyone else and before I know it it's almost time to leave. I've been able to work with my daughter on areas that she has difficulties, and the general atmosphere of the house seems to be so much more relaxed. None of this would have been possible without my higher power and the program of AA. This program has taught me to change my attitude at the drop of a hat, to adjust as needed throughout the day. Last night on my way to the Monday night AA meeting, I received a phone call from one of our other plants saying one of our semi's was being held at the Canadian border and we were in danger of loosing thousands of dollars if they wouldn't let us cross into Canada. I whipped the car around and headed to the office to fax documentation and get out driver across the border. Before this would have disrupted my evening but believe it or not I'm learning to take things in stride. A phone call a few minutes later confirmed that our driver was able to cross and I closed my eyes and gave thanks to my higher power for giving me the ability to deal with this situation. I took advantage of being able to spend some extra time with the kids. Today was quiet, we worked on homework, Alex and I made dinner, my parents stopped by with my mom's best friend so we can say good-bye to her (she summer's in Wisconsin and winter's in Alabama). Showers, stories, goodnight kisses, just the simple things in life and yet I feel so grateful and content. To anyone who has struggled with the daily duties of life this is monumental. It reassures me that my program is at work. Softly, daily, one 24 hours at a time......contented sigh :)

A beautiful night

Saturday was great! Alex's birthday celebration was so much fun. The weather was warm but by evening it had cooled down and we were blessed with a breeze. However that breeze was a menace when it came to the candels which kept blowing out before he was able to blow them out. Sweet sixteen! I can hardly believe it. Friday evening he and I went shopping for school clothes. His shoes are huge, his waist barely visible. This is a rather difficult mission, as he hates clothes shopping but we managed to get quite a bit done and afterwards were able to have dinner, just he and I. He was full of stories, and laughter and questions. It's such a rare moment when a teenager gives you a glimps of their soul. Saturday morning he was up early, helping me prepare the nights dinner. It's fun to cook side by side. My sponsor and I had agreed to meet Saturday morning, and I was feeling the anxiety I haven't felt for a long time. For a split second what flashed through my mind was "boy, I could use a drink today", and I was like "say what?!" where did that come from. I knew I needed God and my sponsor right then and there. We met and I explained what was on my mind. My husband and I had been arguing the day before, I was feeling anxiety at all the things I needed to do before our guests got there, and on and on. She finally looked at me and said, "You are so busy with your tunnel vision that you're going to miss out on Alex's special day. Do what you can, don't be responsible for everything, ask for help and don't get so wrapped up in the doing that you miss out in the celebrating". Afterwards we went to the 11:00 meeting and I came home in a completely different frame of mind. I did what I could, I had help come over early and assist me in preparing snacks and setting up. We ate outside in the soft evening light. I put on the twinkle lights that run through the gardens. As darkness descended I was able to drink in my surroundings. Children laughing and eating Oreo blizzard birthday cake. My oldest smiling shyly, handsome, and just trying to be comfortable in his own skin. My bestie and her husband, my parents and my mother's best friend. Three dogs waiting for somebody to drop table scraps and a perfect summer night. Thanks to my HP and sponsor I didn't miss it. Realign my thinking, realign my attitude, and because of my HP, my sponsor, and my program, instead of regret I get to be filled with gratitude! A blessed Monday to you all......

Flash 55 Friday

G - "great" things can happen when we open ourselves to change

R - "remembering" our past keeps us from repeating it

A - "accepting" ourselves flaws and all

T - "truthful with our High Power and ourselves

E - "everyone" and "everything" has a purpose

F - "free" to make choices

U- "understanding" ourselves and others

L - "loving" & "living" life!


Just some of the things I have learned over the past few months...friends will be over to help celelbrate Alex's 16th. birthday this weekend, so we are looking forward to good food, good fun and lots of laughter on a summer evening. Hope you all have a memorable weekend.....

Firsts, and being ready........

First day of school today. Grace and Sam were up, dressed, had their beds made and were ready for school at 6:15am. Only problem being the doors don't open until 7:30. I love the first day of school. Everyone is nervous and excited, so willing to get up early....by next week I'll be dragging everyone out of bed by 6:45 and shouting orders like a drill sergeant! Expecially for the high school sophomore, who thinks ten minutes is plenty of time to get ready. As other parent's were walking their kids to the classrooms, mine informed me "You can just pull up mom, we know where our rooms are", so instead of being hurt, I just smiled and did what they asked. Gracie shot me a big smile and jumped into the van for a quick kiss before she slammed the door and took off after Sam. A new school year, a new beginning. How do you know when you are ready for something? Ready for school, ready for driving, ready for relationships, ready for life?! There's no signal, no universal nod that says "yep it's time". The reason I have been pondering this question is because I have a friend who is struggling with the "right time" to end a relationship with someone she cares about. She knows this relationship probably isn't the healthiest, but as most of us do she's looking at the good times, focusing on the time invested, wondering if she really wants to start all over. Someone who is close to her pointed out that she didn't have to do the action of breaking up right now. Before I would have rolled my eyes at this. What do you mean? You know the relationship isn't going well, too much control from the other person, you're getting yourself physically sick agnonizing over this....and on and on...Oh yea, I had an opinion about everything. Just as long as you would agree with me, and I didn't have to be objective. But since I've entered the program of AA and I stepped out of myself I have begun to realize "one size does not fit all". Not everyone is ready to do things at the same time. People need compassion, and understanding, and at times a moment or two to really think things over. I heard the anguish and pain, and fear in my friends voice. I wanted to give her a piece of advice but what? As I lay in bed last night the answer came to me, so after dropping the kids off at school, I called her on my way to work. I told her from my own experience that being ready was everything. "I knew I was an alcoholic six months before I ever walked through the doors of AA" I said. I wasn't ready, and by waiting, and becoming ready the program has gone well for me. I have seen a lot of people come and go since I've been in the program and many times I think it's because they weren't ready. Really ready to change, to know the truth, to walk an uneasy walk through the demons of life. Just because you "know" something doesn't mean you are ready to deal with it. My friend thanked me and said she felt it was sound advice. I can't take her pain away. I have enough of my own to deal with. But I can relate in a different way. And I do know for certain that being ready in my case , made all the difference........

Perspective

I accept myself completely.

I accept my strengths and my weaknesses,
my gifts and my shortcomings,
my good points and my faults.

I accept myself completely as a human being.

I accept that I am here to learn and grow,
and I accept that I am learning and growing.

I accept the personality I've developed,
and I accept my power to heal and change.

I accept myself without condition or reservation.

I accept that the core of my being is goodness
and that my essence is love,
and I accept that I sometimes forget that.

I accept myself completely, and in this acceptance
I find an ever-deepening inner strength.

From this place of strength, I accept my life fully
and I am open to the lessons it offers me today.

I accept that within my mind are both fear and love,
and I accept my power to choose
which I will experience as real.

I recognize that I experience only the results
of my own choices.

I accept the times that I choose fear
as part of my learning and healing process,
and I accept that I have the potential and power
in any moment to choose love instead.

I accept mistakes as a part of growth,
so I am always willing to forgive myself
and give myself another chance.

I accept that my life is the expression of my thought,
and I commit myself to aligning my thoughts
more and more each day with the Thought of Love.

I accept that I am an expression of this Love.

Love's hands and voice and heart on earth.

I accept my own life as a blessing and a gift.

My heart is open to receive, and I am deeply grateful.

May I always share the gifts that I receive
fully, freely, and with joy.

~~ Author Unknown ~~

I found this poem on the internet. It sums up how I've been feeling lately. Gone is the roar of uncertainty. Replaced by a quiet acceptance of me. It took 41 years to get here. I am grateful that it happened at all. I find myself laughing with complete abandonment, crying when I want to and being quiet and observing when I can. Life has changed, no it's not perfect, but it's mine, and I finally accept it........