The ninth month, the ninth step.....

Last night my sponsor and I started working the ninth step. Making amends, looking at my motives as to why I want to make amends. To make sure those motives are pure and not just self-serving. This took a lot of truth, and on one of the person's involved, my sponsor suggested for the time being that it was best to leave this person alone, give them the time and space that they need while giving them the respect they deserve. This comes as a real revelation to someone like me. I have spent my whole life apologizing for things I have not done, just to "save the peace" or to move on. This is a frequent habit of mine with my husband. Numerous time I have apologized for things I have nothing to do with, just so there wouldn't be any bad feelings between us. My sponsor pointed out that feelings don't and won't always be happy. Alcoholics don't just avoid sadness, we avoid uncomfortableness, happiness, anger, frustration, confusion etc. you name it we can escape it. She suggested that I start working and living my feelings. If I'm angry be angry til it passes, if I'm happy, be happy, if I'm uncomfortable do not apologize for something I have no part in. This is a tough concept for me. I'm the fixer who now has to take a step back, move out of my HP's way and let things unfold for themselves. Part of doing the ninth step is to make myself feel better. To make a true amends, not a "quick fix". To my husband and children a living amends. I so desperately want to get this over with, sort of detour the feelings I need to work through. This is when I need to really lean on my HP, my sponsor and my program. We had a long session, which is probably just what I needed. Sometimes the amends can come in the form of just choosing a different reaction, behavior. Choosing not to repeat the behavior that didn't work. It doesn't have to be overly complicated or drawn out but it has to have a sincere motive behind it. As usual I was tired but happy when my sponsor left. Alex survived his first day of sophomore year. Was glad to see so many of his friends from last year, and was busy with homework last night. So all in all a good day. Different year, different choices.....it's a good thing......