Forgiveness

The more I know,
the less I understandAll the things I thought I knew,
I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness- "The Heart of the Matter" by Don Henley

When I left college at age 21, terribly thin, depressed, I ended a two and a half year relationship that had only been good for a total of six months. I remember trying to feel real when I got home. I slept a lot, got a job, all my friends were away at college so I had a pretty quiet existence that spring. I remember turning on VH1 one day and this video was playing. I have always liked this song, loved the lyrics because I think somehow it speaks to all of us. I hadn't heard this song in years until the other day on the radio and it brought back such a flood of emotions I thought I might drown if only for a moment. Where had this come from? I thought I had gotten rid of junk like this in my fourth and fifth steps. Well there it was right on the surface and I had to deal with it. So I started sifting through the rubble and I knew quite quickly why it surfaced. It's the time of year. I never talk about this time of year but it has bothered me for years. It's the time when things begin to change. The night creeps in earlier, the daylight plays differntly in my yard, we school clothes shop, the smell of paper and erasers. But to me and in me this time of year right before fall brings a feeling of loss. Like time has always been slipping through my fingertips and I can't stop it. I'm anxious, I don't sleep well, I'm easily aggitated. My husband and I seem to argue more the end of August than we do any other time of the year. So this time I wanted to deal with this once and for all. So I needed to sort things out and there it was plain as day. One bad relationship after another ended around this time of year. A boyfriend that left for three years in the army, another for college, many I left, and how fall, and winter seemed to change the ever fun long days of summer. I still had a closet full of baggage. Twenty years later this junk was still washing up on shore and I was still picking it up and carrying it around with me. Guilt, hurt, anger, saddness were all mixed up inside of me. So I've been kicking this around for a few days wondering where or how I should get rid of it. Yesterday after registering my two youngest for school, I stopped at a local bookstore to pick up a book by an author I really enjoy. As the proprietor was checking me out, I asked about his wife who is a fellow recovering alcoholic. I know a little of her story, and I know she's pretty fragile, but I haven't seen her in almost a year so I wanted to make sure she was doing ok. We ended up talking for over an hour. He was so open and honest with his stories, and her journey, and I shared back that it was like a "mini AA meeting" right in the bookstore. We spoke about our marriages how he was like my husband, by some miracle still married to me. Then he said something, "You know all the words, all the actions, sometimes it's only time that heals all those wounds". And just like that a plug was pulled and all that baggage and junk I was carrying just sucked itself down the drain and far, far, away. It's about forgiveness, and when I think of those people in my past I have forgiven them, I can focus on the good times, but the one person I needed to forgive the most, I hadn't and that was me. It was time to let go, and I finally did. We said our goodbyes and as I stepped into the warm afternoon sun, things looked differently. I felt differently. Suddenly I was excited for the turning of the year, the back to school, the schedule change. For the first time in twenty years that icky feeling was gone. As I opened the gate and stepped onto our patio, a cool breeze touched my face and I drank in my surroundings. Change comes when we least expect it. I thought I had done so much growing, and changing, and cleaning out in my first year of sobriety that I never thought it would happen in my second. I now realize it's only the beginning. And getting down "to the heart of the matter" is forgiveness.....

Flash 55 Friday

We are all bare trees
stripped of adornment
standing alone and vulnerable
next to the sidewalk.
Our bark maybe bruised, scratched, at
times even missing and we
stand with our crooked arms bent
praising the unknown and
waiting for the harsh time to pass so
we can delight in the promise of leaves to come.....


Today is my daughter's ninth birthday. She of course is thrilled and is having a party later. So I'm taking a half day to pick up the cake, decorate, and concentrate on just her, the way it should be when you are nine :) Hoping you all have a wonderful and cool(if needed) weekend........

The "up" side of sober....

I know I've said it before but I love sober anniversaries. Lately the only AA meeting I seem to get to is the elleven o'clock on Saturday mornings. This is one of my favorites as its the weekend, people are in a good mood, relaxed, happy to be there and this past Saturday was no exception. Not one but three anniversaries. A five year, a two year, and a one year. How cool is that! I know the two people that celebrated the five and the two year, but wasn't familiar with the person who was celebrating that awesome first year. That to me is such a milestone! I remember on my anniversary feeling like I was finally getting the hange of this thing called "sober". And also realizing that the rubber now hits the road. You have to continue practicing the 12 steps, you need to let the program filter in multiple areas of your life. You can't get soft, think you can do it on your own, in fact you need to rely on your HP and your fellow AA's more than ever. It's not a time to become complacent. C the man celebrating five years has an awesome story. He's a larger than life person, literally he's six four and his sponsor is a 75 year old man whose about 5'4. We like to call them "Danny and Arnold". Anyway C five years ago had nothing. No place to live, no family, no job, no license just the bottle. He had just gotten out of prison and had no where to go. He ended up at the Alano club and reached out to A and asked him to be his sponsor. The rest is history. C is a shining example of the miracles that are worked in this program every day. He's got his own apartment, a good job, a mother and a brother who love him, a driver's license and a great AA jail ministry. He's one of my favorite people at the club and we always hug and say, "hey keep coming back"! R the person celebrating his two year anniversary is another miracle. He was driven to the club by his wife and just about tossed through the doors of AA. She had had enough. I wasn't there for his first year but I've been told it was shaky and minute by minute. His second year has gone much better and you can see a peace that passes all understanding on his face. His gentle smile was radient as his sponsor presented him his two year medallion. I loved all the stories that were shared Saturday morning, all the laughter and the applause. Who needs a drug when you can get a high just hanging out with a bunch or recovering addicts. Afterwards I headed to the farmer's market to get some yummy fresh veggies, and grabbed a bouquet of fresh wild flowers on my way to the car. The kids were at the waterpark with my hubby, my oldest was working at the fair, and I started preparing food for the night's dinner as my parents were going to join us. The sun was streaming in the kitchen and I began to arrange the flowers in a vase when I realized that it was my eighteen month anniversary. 18 months sober, who would have thought. I was and will always be so grateful to my higher power and the program of AA. This program has taught me so many things, and one of the best is being able to celebrate the miracles of others. It takes you out of yourself and gives you the interest in your fellow man. I set the flowers on the table and got back to work, humming happily and enjoying the "up" side of sober......

Insurance

Life is full of suprises. A saying that is said over and over again. I like to think of a "surpise" as something that is unexpected and enjoyable, and yet some of life's "surpises" are anything but nice. I've come to use the phrase "life on life's terms" instead. I found out early in recovery this was something I really struggled with. I didn't know how to handle the curve balls that came my way so instead of learning how to deal with things I just got out of the game. In other words it was much safer for me to sit in the dug out and drink. When AA helped me get back into the game I realized it wasn't so scarey and that with a little maneuvering I could hold my own. This was a huge point in my recovery. Facing the fear. I always thought of myself as someone who was in charge. Who jumped right off the end of the dock, I didn't need to wade in, that was for sissies. Little did I know I was the biggest sissy of them all. Facing fear or fears is done on a daily basis. Now if there's something I need to deal with I have to pull it front and center and get it done with. No more throwing it in the closet until later. Yesterday a friend was telling me about a young man that was killed in a car accident earlier in the morning. His family is devastated and yet they have lost another child a few years earlier as well. My mind split in about a thousand pieces trying to grasp at their losses. Then my friend said something that really struck home. She too has lost a child and she said, "it's hard to believe that so much tragedy can happen to one family. I've always felt like I had some insurance that I've already had such a horrific thing happen to me that there was no way it was going to happen again, but it does". We have no insurance against life. It just happens. I didn't panick when I heard her words, it was just the plain truth and it just sank in. This was what scared me the most. This "no insurance". Now I realize that there's nothing I can do, but deal with life on life's terms. I know this isn't any big revelation for most people but to me it was. Knowing that at any moment life can throw us a curve ball we may never fully recover from is scarey. But the difference in my life today is that it does not have to disable me. I'm not paralyzed to live because I'm so full of fear. My HP walks beside me, and walks through fear with me. He truley is a "lamp unto my feet". So life doesn't come with insurance, but really is that enough of a reason to not grab it and live it with all you have? I think not, it's a risk we all have to take......

The Monkey on your back....

Over dinner with friends Saturday night, I learned of Amy Winehouse's death. I knew of her music, that she was talented, but was often overshined by her addictions. Winning five grammies is nothing to sneeze at, and being called a genius by her peers is nothing to dismiss either. But was scares me is the fact that she couldn't outrun what chased her the most. Drugs and alcohol. We see this all the time. Many young stars dead by the age of 27. Gene Simmons commented that the secret to his long term success as a rock musician wasn't that he avoided partying and women, but he didn't get addicted to drugs. Drugs will get you everytime. Now there are people that will dismiss this young woman's death as a life of "overindulgence", imaturity, not giving a damn, selfishness etc. and I must admit that at one time I would have voiced that sentiment as well. How different it is when you sit in rooms with addicts, and when you yourself are one. When no matter how many days of sobriety you have just seeing a glass of wine can trip your mind up to say, "oh, you can handle this now, besides it's just one drink, what can it hurt?!" I do not pretend to have any answers, I only know that some people make it, and some don't. Russell Brand who has struggled with his own addictions summed it up best when he said of Winehouse, "When you love someone with an addiction you always wait for the call". For some that call might be a call for help, if they are lucky the call to surrender, but too often than not its the call that they have succombed. It's done, the demon is finally quiet. I no longer judge people who struggle with addictions. I struggle with my own on a daily basis. I know how fortunate I am to get this program and I also know that it can disappear in a day. Not too long ago I was shopping with a friend when my phone rang. I answered it and proceeded to listen to five minutes of non stop drunkaloge. This woman was sober for seven years, but a chain of events sent her right back into her addiction. The reason she drank on this particular day was that someone had removed the pot of flowers she had put on her parents grave. When I was finally given the opportunity to talk, I asked her to go get some coffee, she said she wanted to go to sleep, I told her to call me when she woke up. As I placed my phone back in my purse my friend asked, "where you able to help her?" I replied, "I don't know, but she sure helped me". She gave the jolt, the little pinch that says, "don't get to comfortable because it wasn't too long ago that you would have been in the same position with even less of a reason". I thanked God right then and there for the reminder. It's sad how society can feed off tragedy. When I see Lindsey Lohan laughing or smirking in court, I don't feel animosity, I just feel bad. Sooner or later that monkey will either be taken off your back by yourself, or it will hold on until the end. I have seen the look of dispair in people's eyes, they want so badly to escape but they just can't. It's heartbreaking. Another life gone, too soon. For me it's a reminder that my disease is still growing, the more I stay sober, the closer I am to a relapse. Take nothing for granted, for sooner than later there's a monkey looking for a new "owner"....

Flash 55 Friday....

Mercy...

With cracked lips and dusty throat
she turns her swollen eyes upward,
bright flashes of promise
proceed a dry swallow
One, then two, and three
until a million splashes of water
penetrate unto her cheekbones and stream down her neck
as she parts her mouth and begins to
drink in the sweet gift of life.....


I've been observing the effects of the heat wave we are in. Due to cluster migraines my time outdoors has been greatly limited. However I was able to spend a couple of hours outdoors last Sunday working in the gardens and what I noticed as the sweat ran down my face was how parched mother nature looked. She needed relief, a cool drink of water. Later that evening a storm roared through and standing at the window watching it pour I envisioned the above poem, and watched in pleasure as she tilted her head back and drank in the cool rain.... hoping all is well with you and yours.....

Time to say good-bye....

I've been wrestling with the decision to go or stay. And for once I'm going to listen to that gut feeling inside: it's time to move on. This blog and you bloggers saved my life. You were a constant lifeline during my first year of recovery. The fact that so many people you don't even know can extend experiences, strength, and hope to a total stranger was just empowering. You were all and will continue to be a huge part of my recovery and I will take each one of you along in my thoughts, prayers, and in my heart. I wish all of you the very best in your lives, with your families, in your programs and in your dreams. Part of my decision is based on the fact that I am blessed with a rich and full life of God, family, friends, and program. My oldest leaves for New York in less than two weeks, my two youngest are busy enjoying the pools, the sun, and the freedom from learning. My hubby and I have numerous projects in the works such as a new roof, a new bathroom, new porch etc. so time will not stretch for it all. I will peek in from time to time to see what your lives are up to. This journey of mine would not have been possible without you. I treasure you all and leave you with my favorite poem by Mary Oliver:

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.


~ Mary Oliver ~


May all your dreams come true today, tomorrow and always!
Love,
DryBottomgirl :)