Watching train wrecks go by...

One thing that I have never gotten used to is just being concerned with my own affairs. I'm nosey. I can't help it. Part of it is ego, another true concern, another is I think I know what's best for everyone. Ouch that little dose of reality bites! However I find it frustrating when you sit and watch people make the same mistakes over and over. I know "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly" but it drives me nuts. I know a certain lady in AA who comes in, and goes out, and in, and out. I'm pretty sure she can't string a week of sober days together. She's told me her past, and it's pretty terrible, she has a daughter, the father is in prison. You see the tiny spark in her. Yet the second that spark tries to emerge as a flame she stomps it out, and off she disappears until she shows up at the tables looking, thin, aged, and basically wrecked. She has clung to one straw after another. The first time she left, it was because she had to take care of her homosexual friend. She told us she "had to save him". Then she came back to meetings for a while. Then she got really involved in church and she was sure that would solve all her addictions. Then she came back. Now she's managed to get involved with one of the men at the AA club, and she's convinced that he will do it for her. She's also switched sponsors like people switch shoes. So why am I bothered with this? Because it drives me nuts to watch this. Yes, I know I need only be concerned with myself, to focus on all my problems and character faults. But it's maddening to watch self destruction. Part of it is she's near my age. Another is she brings her daughter to meetings, and that child has large expressive, scared eyes. You heart breaks wondering what that child has seen. There are days I feel like shaking this lady and saying, "Stop it, there is so much life for you to live". Quit looking for that easier softer way and do the work. Walk through the mess to get to the other side. Obviously minding my own business is something I really have to work on. But there are times when I think, "This is not a hard program. Just do it". And then I realize how fortunate I am. I could easily be this person. I could still be fighting surrender, turning my will over, taking my inventory, trying to run my own life. That is a scary thought that it could all disappear in a split second if I don't stay in touch with my own program. It's so much easier to look at someone else's issues rather than our own. So I guess for now, I need to look at my side of the street. Work on cleaning up those areas that aren't so clean. This woman does serve a purpose in my life. Besides being a fellow alcoholic she is a reminder to me of how cunning, baffling, and powerful this disease can be. I'm grateful that I hooked up with a great sponsor, that I worked really hard to grow, to forgive, and to accept. All I can do now is to "let go and let God". He has a design for her life, not me. I need to keep myself in check so I don't get soft, lazy, or too sure of myself. I need to give this lady to God, and put my attention back where it belongs, on me. And honey there's a whole lot of work I still need to do, so I will be busy for a long time.......