"My Savior My God" Aaron Shust/Dorothy Greenwell
I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior
Tonight was my return to church after a long hiatus. I was struggling with many emotions in regards to church and it seemed like early in my recovery that every time I went I started crying. One time even to the point of sobbing which if you ever want your teenager to think you are not cool feel free to try this. I had to remove myself because when my emotions came back I didn't know how to control them. I had numbed them for so long with alcohol that I suddenly felt raw, exposed and very vulnerable in church. I'm not sure why but something was telling me it was time to return. I love the Saturday night service in the Spiritual Life Center at our church. It's contemporary and the music is beautiful. My children also like this service so all in all it's a family favorite. I was telling one of my favorite AA peeps about wanting to cry every time we begin to sing and he said, "you know why? You've been humbled. You no longer try to play God, you are now grateful and are filled with humility. I think it's ok if you do cry". I hadn't thought of this before. My relationship with God is on a completely different level than it was months ago. So tonight I checked out the order or service before we started and saw that we would be singing many of my favorites. And right on cue the tears started filling my eyes, but then I thought of what Darren said, and yes I have been humbled. How can you not be? Like the prodigal son who left and squandered everything my father (God) was waiting with arms open to welcome me back. The gratitude you feel. The asking for forgiveness and knowing that he has forgiven you a long time ago and is waiting for you to forgive yourself is amazing. After a few verses a quiet sense of calm filled me and I spent the next hour in complete worship of my higher power. At the end of his sermon our pastor told the story of a small child trying to remove a large rock from his sandbox: as the child was lifting a rather large stone over the side, it slipped and pinched his fingers. The father watching at the window immediately went to comfort his son. As he wiped the tears away the father said to the boy, "did you use all of your strength to move the stone?" the little boy said "yes, I used all my strength" to which the father replied, "no you didn't, you forgot to ask my help". What a wonderful lesson for those of us who think we don't need anyone's help. I've proven time and time again that I can't do it on my own. And I am happy to say I now ask for help...I hope you do too! Peace......