Tuesday, July 13, 2010

And the answer comes later......

Last night I attended a new meeting. It's held at a local church and it focuses on the "Daily Reflection" for the day. It was a small intimate group, and I was surprised at how many people I knew. I sat right in the hot seat and didn't realize that I would be the person reading and commenting first but in my usual fashion I just ran off the dock and jumped in. The reading focused on "humility". Yes the "h" word. I had to be honest before AA I knew nothing of humility. I thought people that were humble were weak, wet noodles who got walked upon all the time. I wasn't going to be one of "those" people. It wasn't until I came into AA did I begin to understand (just a little) the importance of humility. I was a drunken caregiver. I was going to fix the world, one sorry soul at a time, but I drained all my resources and kept trying to fill the void with alcohol. I mean how could you be considered self centered when you are so busy taking care of everyone else?! Well for one because I made sure everyone knew what I did in one way or another. I was always the one to step up and I loved the role of the martyr. As the fog began to lift I realized I did not have a shred of humility. And the worse part? I was playing the role of God. Yep, move over HP, I'm in charge, at least as long as everything was going my way, but as soon as it wasn't I ran along with my bottle and only then did I seek my Lord. A fair weather friend. A poor excuse by and by. Since walking through those doors five months ago I've learned a lot about humility. It starts with the first step, realizing that you are powerless over alcohol. You are beaten by an addiction. Then your humbleness increases as you come to believe that you can not beat this addiction yourself. You reach out for your higher power. My higher power is God, your higher power can be anything you want but I choose God. Humility comes in the form of not humbling yourself for other people, but humbling yourself before God. Over the weekend my bestie and I stopped at a Goodwill to scour the book section. We hit pay dirt. One great book after another, and she found me a little gem. It's a book by Beth Moore called"Beloved Disciple". It's about Jesus's beloved disciple John, and their special relationship. I was really excited because someone had written their own thoughts and interpretations in the margins. Last night I opened the book and read through chapter one. And what did it deal with? You guessed it HUMILITY. How John knew he was the one to pave the way for Christ, and that he was not worthy to untie his shoes. John was humble in the purest sense, he knew his place, he did not complain, he walked the walk. I was amazed that God just reached down and put an explanation point on the end of my day! Wow, if that wasn't a "bling bling" moment then I don't know what is. Something else also became very clear to me. ( I told you I can be slow to realize things) Two years ago this July my bestie and I had the opportunity to see Beth Moore in person at the Target center in Minneapolis MN. It had been a crazy couple of weeks for both of us and neither of us were enthusiastic to go, but the tickets were bought and paid for, and the hotel room booked so off we went. If you don't know who Beth Moore is check her out. She's a tiny petite crusader for God. Wow, she is a force to be reckoned with. She doesn't care what religon you are, what background you have, what sins you are running from, she care about your personal relationship with God. She will take you from one end of the bible to the other, and I was in awe. Little did I know that God had planned for me to go to this seminar. He wanted to prepare me for what lay ahead. She dealt with the book of Isaiah and her focus was on when God puts you "in a rock and a hard place". How we are meant to go through those hard times. They are for growth, they are for life change, they are for the better. But Beth doesn't sugar coat anything. I remember her saying that even if you walk through the fire you may not get the outcome you were hoping for. Sometimes your greatest reward is surviving the hard time with your faith in tact. I also remember her saying that in times like this our instinct is to run, to hide, when in reality we are to "shrink wrap" ourselves around God, and hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride. I was so moved by her message that I remember holding hands with my bestie and crying really hard. There began to be trickle that something was really wrong with my life but I had no way of knowing that it would take another year and a half before the dam would break. Last night all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. I was suppose to hear that message. I was to recall those words many times over the next two years, and I was to shrink wrap myself around God to survive. When I realized that I was an alcoholic it came in a split second. I had no time to think, I knew what I had to do. It was a blind leap of faith. I knew nothing about the program, the people, the disease but I grabbed that shrink wrap and started binding myself to that rock, and trusting that this was the path I should embark on. Humility means so much more than "moderate appraisal of oneself". Humility to me, means knowing my place, and it's beside my God, doing his will, not mine. I recall the words of a woman I knew that had survived much heart ache in her time. We were teaching Sunday school together and it was right after my miscarriage and she said to me, "Just remember that when life is at it's darkest, that's when he comes and walks beside you". That was ten years ago, God has been planning this for a long time, and I am so grateful that this time I was humble enough to pay attention........


  1. What do they say in those treatment centers? "Time takes Time" There is a message there, and there is one in your post. Thank you for the messages, and I thank God for the messengers!

  2. love it how all things work together like that...even when at the time we do not see it...then the day comes along we realise it...so cool!

  3. Always a helpful reminder. Thanks!

  4. it is so true for me that when life is at its hardest he comes to walk beside me. Or maybe that is just when I finally let him...

  5. What a great post. I could have written the whole first part. I didn't know humility, either. And I tried to play God, though I didn't realize that's what I was doing.

    I love the image of shrink-wrapping myself around God. I will use that one.

    One definition of humility I like is the ability to stand on one's feet, but the willingness to kneel.

    Thanks for sharing.

  6. Humility is with me as long as I realize that I don't have the answers. Once I forget that then I am no longer humble and have forgotten Step Three. Thanks for a reminder that if I let God do the work and get out of the way, all will be well with me.