Thursday, February 18, 2010

Hitting bottom...

Last night the meeting focused on hitting bottom. What was the final turning point. For some people, a court order, for other's their children or grandchildren, and still other's the death of someone near. For me it was just being sick and tired of my life. Not in the sense that I wasn't grateful, I mean I am very blessed! My children have not suffered too much, my husband is still with me, I'm not homeless. But sick in the fact that I had been following the same pattern for so many years and nothing had changed. I remember when I turned 40 last year I wanted it to be such a great year! I wanted to change so much! To do so many things, and its pretty sad when you wake up on birthday 41 and realize you never did any of the things you wanted, problems you had last year were still there plus more, and certain areas were worse off than ever. I had finally had enough! But where do you turn, how do you figure a way out of the mess that you and your little problem have created? I hear this saying a lot at meetings, "No one understands you better than another alcoholic". Its very true. We can sit and spin our wheels for years and we see nothing wrong with it. My wheels had quit spinning, I was just plain stuck. I probably knew for the last two years that I was definately an alcoholic. Yet it took another 24 months for me to descend deeper into my self-destruction before I had had enough. You can't make somone enter recovery. You can't wish them into it. I'm not sure what made me pick the phone up but one day I closed my office door and called AA. The person who answered the phone talked to me for about 20 minutes. This person whom I will never know really saved me. They made me feel that it was ok to have this disease. Their exact words were, "Somewhere you crossed a line and now you can't go back". They didn't make me feel ashamed or embarrassed. They gave me the information I needed to make a choice. I could beat this. It wasn't going to be easy but if I was willing to work, I could do it. Just having that acceptance, that assurance was all I needed. And you know why? Because the person on the other end of that line was another alcoholic. They had been sober for four years and the 12th. step is passing it on. This person was the calm in my storm. They also said other things that were very powerful, and I often come back to that conversation when I'm having a bad day. Angels do walk among us. They don't have halos, wings, or a bright light, but they have compassion for others and grace. I'm thankful for the angel that picked up the phone three weeks ago.....and I'm hoping that someday I get to be that angel, giving someone else the help they need!

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