Flash 55 Friday

Disruption

A dull gray stone
darkens as it splits
the translucent barrier
and sinks to rest on
a sandy floor. Fast
flowing concentric circles multiply
across the glassy surface
reaching out to infinity
in an amoeba like existence
of a clear blue world
only to be interrupted
by a water bug oblivious
of his untimely intrusion....

Trying to have thoughts of the lake after three days of rain and cold. We are suppose to have a break of one day before rain sets in again. Regardless of weather we have a busy weekend planned so I hope you all stay safe and dry......

Hiding from yourself.....

Last night at the "Daily Reflections" meeting we talked about an interesting subject. How when you first come into AA and you get that first taste of sobriety, how you need to protect it. Guard it against anything that may take it away. One man said he drove five miles out of his way every night so he could avoid driving by the bars he once inhabited. He was afraid that there might be some "magnetic pull" the would yank his car over to the building and he would start drinking. Another person said they attended 3 or 4 meetings a day because they were unemployed and they were so scared of having nothing to do. It might lead them back to drinking. I could relate. I avoided TV and my leather chair. You see that was my drinking post. A lovely stressed Italian leather chair, the kind you sink into at the end of a day. I would prop my feet up on the ottoman and proceed to drink myself into numbness, with the only physical movement being to get up to refreshen my drink or use the bathroom. Of course this would also involve mindless channel surfing so I could occupy my mind while I was on the way to oblivion. So when I first sobered up I was terrified of that chair. Heck the room for that matter. I couldn't sit in that chair without a drink so I just avoided it. I started going to bed to read, and catch up on 15 years of sleep. I was always a night owl my whole life and now I was going to bed at 8:30. I even did this on weekends. I just felt that if I sat in that chair I would drink. What I didn't realize is that I didn't trust myself to not drink. I was trying to trust my HP and let go and also trying to control the situation as well. Even on the weekends I went upstairs early. I remember my husband asking out oldest, "what's up with your mom and going to bed so early?" to which our teenager replied, "I think she's afraid of her old drinking chair". How right he was. I was running scared. So scared that I didn't even know if I could trust myself in my own home. Eventually as the months went on I knew that my HP would keep my on the straight and narrow, and the urge to drink was gone, I could start to trust myself. One day when I was cleaning, I looked at that chair. It no longer held any power of me, so I moved it to the other side of the room, and put a different chair in it's place. The spell had been broken, my HP and the program of AA was doing for me what I could not do for myself. Now I get to bed around 11:00. I can mill around the house at all hours and do not need a drink in hand. I guess it wasn't all for nothing, I really did need to get rid of my dark circles. So it's ok to go out of your way, to protect your sobriety at all costs. Sooner or later it will no longer matter, you will know how to function in all circumstances and that it a wonderful gift to have. Out of curiosity has anyone else done/avoided and past behaviors to avoid drinking?.......

Anniversaries.....

Is there anything better than an AA meeting when a person in celebrating their sober anniversary? How about an AA meeting with three people celebrating sober anniversaries! At this past Saturday's meeting that is precisely what was happening. Three anniversaries: 4 years, 8 years, and 15 years. What was particularly interesting was that all three had been raised by alcoholic fathers, and everyone of them said they would "never be like their dads" and yet all three became alcoholics. The person celebrating four years came into AA through her brother. He was just getting out of lower D and she had come to see him and she was drunk of course. He was always talking about AA, and the big book, and meetings, so finally one day she said, "enough, I'll go with you just to shut you up!" Fortunately for her, she never looked back. In her second year of sobriety she took a job transfer to another state and her brother was so worried that she might fall off the wagon, but she never did. What an awesome moment when her brother presented her with her four year coin, and told everyone how proud he was of her. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Another lady was celebrating her eighth year. She came into the program at 25. Big time drinker and it was so neat to hear her talk about how much her life had changed in eight years. She's married, the mother of two beautiful children, happily married, and holding down a job. You could watch her glow with pride at her accomplishments. She said, "not only did I stop drinking, but I built a life I never imagined would or could be mine". Finally the person celebrating 15 years is a man I know from the Thursday night meeting. When I first met this person I was terrified of him. He spoke the truth, and very directly. He is never worried about hurting your feelings if it means he's going to keep you sober. At a meeting last summer I wittnessed him chew a young girl up one side and down the other. After the meeting I overheard him talking to her telling her that he only did it because he wanted her to stop playing games and get sober. He really does have a heart of gold. I have gotten to know him much better these past months and he's a man who walks the walk not just talks the talk. There are many people who love to tell you a twelve step program escpecially AA doesn't work. But I disagree. If you could have sat in Saturday's meeting,and heard those testimonies, and saw those proud, happy faces, there wouldn't be a doubt in your mind just how powerful this program can be.....

Winds of change and circumstance.....

Some weeks are just full of it. Full of "living life on life's terms". Two people at work are dealing with personal family issues. Both are health related, one is a spouse, the other a father. I just received an email update on one and now it's hour by hour. Sigh. My hubby was approached last week with a job offer to work for someone he has worked for in the past. He really liked the current company he's employed with but they are fading fast, and have been since November. This new job involves a shift change once again, but one I'm used to and can handle just fine. It was much harder when the children were smaller but now they can do many things for themselves. The money is less but then there's the factor of "a job vs. no job" so we'll manage. It's a good opportunity for him, with room to grow. So after much thought (and me keeping my mouth shut believe it or not) he decided to take it. I could tell he is feeling much better now that he accepted the new job, and handed in his resignation. Sometimes I think a fresh start is the best. Gracie our youngest has had stomach flu since Wednesday. She has managed to keep a bite of food down and some Sprite since 9:00 last night. So the household is a bit sleep deprived. I did stay home with her and was able to get all the laundry done and the entire house cleaned. What you can do in a day! And now we fast approaching Easter weekend. Oh did I forget to mention that it snowed Tuesday night into Wednesday. I was assured that we are done with winter since it's now "snowed on the Robin three times". Let's hope the old wives tale is true. I can't take another snowflake! Life is in limbo. The good is holding hands with the bad. It's times like these that I am so thankful to God, his plans, letting him be in charge, and having a program in AA to act as a guide. A guide to staying in the moment. A guide to not taking a drink so all the "bad" feels a little better. Learning to reach out to people has been a lifesaver for me. One of the above mentioned people who is dealing with a sick family member had made it clear that they do not want to talk about it. We at work are respecting this decision, but it is not easy. You can see the pain, the exhaustion but pride and privacy are pushing away what could be a useful support system. I can remember when I was like this. Hide everything, take everything on myself, I don't need help, I'll handle it. What a big dose of garbage that is! There's a reason we have other people in our lives. To reach out, to laugh maybe instead of cry, to just know there's someone else sharing your pain is a source of comfort. I now see what happens to people in the rooms of the meetings when they are locked tight. Proud, and private, they generally relapse. Afraid that throwing the laundry front and center will produce judgement, and criticism. I have found that by sharing some of the more difficult problems in my life, I am able to lighten the burden. It allows people to see my soul, to know me as a feeling, hurting human being. Yes, I'm in pain, yes it will pass. So when I wittness people struggling with wanting to keep their burdens to themselves I feel sad. I know it's none of my business, so I pray, and wait. Wait til the hard shell starts to crack, and then I'll hold out my hands and help them catch the pieces. May you all have a joy filled holiday weekend with the ones you love, and who love you back......

Looking at the differences....

I'm beginning to wonder if AA has a bad reputation. I know of several people who have told me they have a drinking problem. These people also know I belong to AA and that it has worked for me where everything else has failed. I was talking with an aquaintance the other day and they remarked that they had been researching alcoholism and that they really needed to get help. So without thinking I blurted out, "I would be more than happy to take you to an AA meeting!" To which came out of their mouth, "God no, I'm not going to AA!" and just the tone of voice made me feel like they felt better than the program. They started talking of alternatives and of course my mind went where it wasn't suppose to go "easier softer way" and I wanted to say (but didn't) "when all else fails and you are ready to go to AA I'll be here". This got me to thinking that the mention of "AA" must conjure up certain images in people's minds. I remember early on when a member told me to seek out the similarities rather than the differences. I didn't have a problem with that. I was so grateful to see heads nodding in understanding when I spoke about things or experiences. I felt validation that I wasn't so different or unique. That other people from every walk of life suffer from the same affliction I do. It doesn't discriminate. So why does AA seem to be shunned by a lot of people? Is it because the media has glamorized addictions? I mean in Hollywood if you have a problem you can check into numerous rehabs, some with spa like ammenities. Or you could be on "Celebrity Rehab?" or in and out of rehab like Lindsey Lohan? Do people think we're just a bunch of bums sitting around in a church basement? Or is it the work? The twelve steps? I think for some people they just want to stop drinking. They don't want to know the reason they drink. Just stop the action and that will be enough. But is it? I was thrilled when I found some insight to why I did what I did. Now I know to stay away from certain behaviors or situations that could cause an urge to reach for alcohol. I can get to a meeting, pick up the phone, completely remove myself from an environment that may not be healthy. In Augusten Burrough's memoir of drinking "DRY" he is confronted by his coworkers who want him to get help. He thinking he's really going to stick it to them and asks to go to rehab at a place for homosexuals in Duluth Mn. He is envisioning a spa like atmosphere, perhaps meeting a new companion, etc. When he arrives he is in shock. The facility is old, most of the letters missing on the sign. The inside is worse. A steril undecorated atmosphere with cafeteria food included. However after resisting for a while he starts to learn something about himself. He starts to make a few friends, and he stops drinking. When he heads back to New York and unlocks his apartment door he is shocked by what he sees. Almost every square inch is covered in empty bottles. Gone is the glamorization of drinking. Sure a cleverly decorated martini glass filled with booze and a bunch of girlfriends living it up after work certainly looks more fun than sitting in a dimly lit room talking with people who are struggling with a disease that too often runs their lives. To me I never bothered with those differences. I was just to happy to find the similarities. I am no different than anyone else that sits in those rooms. My brand of alcoholism wasn't any more special than yours. I simply choose to stop the maddness, stop the chaos. So when I feel that snubbing, or that dismissal of a AA, the program that has given me so much, I try not to let it bother me. I know it works. I see the miracles it performs on a daily/weekly basis. But instead of saying something out loud, I simply think in my head, "well, when you are ready to really get serious, I'll be here, and AA will welcome you with open arms". Any thoughts?.....

In search of time for me......

Crazy week. Way too much going on. The last two months of school in the spring are the worst. My teenager is swamped with field trips, papers, tests, deadlines etc..he has his nails chewed to a new all time low. My younger two have field trips, class events, lock-ins, birthday sleepovers etc. It's gottten so bad that I had to schedule an afternoon off to fit in a final check on Alex's foot that he had surgery on. I'm running in one direction and my husband is going in another. I feel overwhelmed! Like I've slipped below the surface. This is not a good place for an alcoholic to be in. It's worse than thin ice. I was going over some things with a collegue this morning and she leans in and says, "did you ever just slip up and take even one sip?" I looked at her and said, "no why would I?" to which she replied, "well people say it's so hard to quit drinking and you made it look so easy, that I just thought".......What I wanted to say is "You thought wrong!" then this person went on to say, "hey, you're doing so good I bet you don't even need those meetings anymore!" Every fiber of my being stiffened! "Not need meetings anymore?" The day I do not need meetings anymore is the day I feel I'm cured, and I'm far from cured. Now in this person's defense they don't quite get the whole "recovering" alcoholic bit. I am forever a work in progress. There isn't another option for me. It's been proven over and over to me that God and AA are doing for me what I could not do for myself. I haven't hit a meeting all week, and I'm ready to crawl out of my skin. Every nerve is crying, "I need to talk to people who understand me! I need my AA peeps!" So I went into my office, shut the door, closed the blinds, and set my head on the desk. "God grant me.....I am always amazed at how many times God speaks to me per day. Today he used a coworker to say, "Liz you need a meeting". I need a realignment. I need to be in a room full of people that suffer just like I do on a daily basis. They get me, they don't question me, they know just what I need. So I will hit a meeting on my way home from work tonight. I don't think I can make the weekend without it. I hope to catch up on blogs today, and I hope you all have a happy spring weekend. We have snow, ice, and rain coming tomorrow. Only in Wisconsin......:)

Taking yourself as is.....

It never amazes me how life unfolds exactly as you didn't plan it. Take this weekend. I decided to "neutralize" my daughter's bedroom. It was a rather wild room painted in colors of aqua, purple, yellow, green and hot pink&black dots. Very fun, but a little "overstimulating" for a rather active child. So we decided to paint it. A girl project. In other words my husband wanted no part of the deal. In his exact words,"If you girls want to do it great, but count me out." And yes, he could be excused as he was fighting a cold. Both her brothers consented to help so off we went to the store. Grace chose a beautiful blue/violet wall color. Very soothing. With soft black accents I knew we could make this room rock. We choose some fun accessories and headed home. We started with emptying the room and then the fun really began. There I was staring at a dark aqua ceiling that had to be painted white. No big deal, I've watched my husband do this millions of times. So I started and needless to say four neck breaking coats later and the ceiling was white. Time to do the walls, which was rather easy since the color covered beautifully. The work continued into Sunday and me thinking that I would be safe, crawled into the same paint spotted clothes I had worn the day before, put a Hannah Montanna headband on (hair sticking out in all directions) no make-up, and my glasses which were splattered with a million white paint spots. The weather was warm and stormy, I was sweating like a pig, and while I was hanging her new curtains my daughter runs into the room, "Mommy some old people are here to see you, I think it's your grandfather". Which would be interesting since both have been dead for years so I say, "Well bring them in honey, mom's a little tied up right now". A few minutes later in walks my godparents. I love these people! My godfather Jack turned 85 on Saturday and you would never know it. I had left a message on Saturday and since they were out and about on Sunday they decided to stop in. And look they brought there middle son whom I had a huge crush on when I was in high school. He flew home for his dad's birthday. Now married (to a woman I really like) and father of two children we haven't seen each other in ten years. He looks great, fit, trim, and tan and then horrified I remember what I look like. UHHHGGGGG this always happens to me! As he's crossing the room to give me a hug my oldest child and husband are standing in the doorway barely able to control their laughter. I had no where to go! No bag to pull over my head. My only hope was that I had at least brushed my teeth that morning but I was so exhausted and sore from working all weekend I couldn't remember. What does a girl do! Now why don't people stop over on Saturday when at least I had makeup on! Thanks God for family. My kids were so busy entertaining everyone, showing them around, showing them their rooms, that I completely forgot about being self concious of my less than "charming" look. They stayed for an hour and we all promised to get together for a cookout this summer. Later on my oldest and I were putting Grace's room together and I was telling him all the stories of our two families and all the fun we had when I was growing up. I went on to say I was mortified that I looked the way I did when they stopped to which he replied, "You looked great mom, you worry to much about stuff like that, no one cares. Besides aren't you glad they stopped over?" And yes, once again thank you God for giving me another humbling moment. "Yes, I am really glad they stopped", I said. And the amazing thing is I meant it! It is what it is, and I am what I am, and either way life's sweet little moments shouldn't be overshadowed by self conciousness. So as usual instead of me teaching my children they taught me. Just be yourself and everything will work out fine.....