Fathers......

At last evenings Woman's group meeting the topic took a turn to fathers. At Sunday morning's meeting a dad was complaining that his daughter said she didn't want to see him and that she wanted him to _ _ _ _ off! This person had crawled on his pity pot and we heard the "woa is me" story until one of the old timers took off the kid gloves and gave it to him loud and strong. "Why should our children want to see us? Most of us raised them drunk. We made promises we never kept, prioritized alcohol over school programs, disappointed our children over and over...now because you're sober you think you daughter should just run over and be happy and this great relationship will happen? She learned to survive without you. You need to take responsibility for the way you raised her. She may never come around and you will have to accept that. Most of us were never there for our children so why should they be there for us?" The room was silent and then the first mas spoke again, "That hurts but you are right, I was never there for her, why should she be there for me...." This inspired the talk that happened last night. One woman said her father was a terrible adulterer, and her monther finally left him, and his second wife alienated them from having any relationships with him. She said she still feels resentments towards her dad, but is slowly working on letting them go. Another woman talked about the lack of "fathering" her ex husband does with their teenage son. It's so frustrating and difficult....Another woman told of her wonderful father. How giving and active he was in their lives, and how when she sobered up a year before his death, he made her promise that she would beat this disease. She also talked about that fact that she married a very difficult man whom she ended up divorcing because he was so cold and distant. Then I spoke. I was very lucky to grow up with a good father. He wasn't taught a lot in the way of emotions or expression of feelings but he was a good provider, and supporter in my life. My father came to get me mid semester at school. I was broken down and broken hearted. The car ride home was quiet that day but he never made me feel bad for my decision. He came to get me at the police station one night after my exboyfriend decided to use my face for a punching bag, he clapped loudly at my college graduation, and not too long ago he told me how proud he was of me for entering AA. My children are also very lucky to have a good dad. Even though my husband works a lot he spends quality time with our children when he is home. And in the summer he spends most of the day with them until he has to leave for work. When I was drinking I did everything, I was the key that held the family together, I, I, I...get the drift? I was so busy being self absorbed, and full of self pity that I failed to realize the enormous contribution my husband has made to our family, to the raising of our children. I tend to be more task minded, and he is more fun minded. We had struck a balance and I hadn't even noticed. Last night's discussion went a long way for me. A family is a joint effort, and I have been given a dose of humility by realizing that I am not the center of our family. We all work together. It's still difficult for me to let go, to be less guarded of my emotions, but this program gives me the opportunity to practice, and give, and realize it's ok to just be silly once in a while. And I don't mind the role of care giver because I have a great team with my husband as the fun giver, and after all two heads are better than one.......

Wednesday...

Have lots to write but will have to do it tonight or tomorrow. Today I'm being recertified in CPR, Emergency Care and Blood Bourne Pathogens. This is an all day process with the Red Cross. Hope you are all doing fine and are having a great day. Will peek in on your blogs later.......

Busy, busy, busy......

Yes, as you can see from the title I've been busy! What I thought was going to be a relaxing weekend well....not so much. Saturday I woke up and grabbed the dog and headed for the vet. Jack was going to get groomed and updated on his rabies shot. I race in the door only to find out our groomer has injured herself and will need surgery. They have no idea how long she will be out. Our groomer Emily is so good, Jack goes in like a mutt and comes out looking like "best in show", so I hope it's not too serious because this could potentially hurt her career and she is very talented. So he got his shot, and then I loaded his dirty self back into the car and we headed home so I could get ready for my meeting. I went to the morning meeting and then home and grabbed my two youngest. We headed to the mall (not my favorite place) to do some father's day shopping and then off to the softball game cookout for the dad's at AA. My husband was helping a friend roof his sick father's house, and we were also dog sitting. After the park we had more errands to run and then I met some of my AA buds for a bonfire. I left the bonfire at 9:00 and had to still do the grocery shopping. Nothing like putting groceries away at 10:30 at night. Sunday I was up early for my meeting, gave my sponsor a ride home, stopped at the grocery store once more because someone at AA had given me a yummy peanut butter pie recipe, and then went home and proceeded to pretty much cook all day. We had my parents, and our best friend's over for dinner, and it was such a gorgeous evening we ate outside with the lights in the garden and candles. My husband put the kids to bed and I cleaned up the kitchen and collapsed on the couch and didn't wake up until 6:00 am. As I drove to work I kept thinking that I needed to have a day off to recover from the weekend. I was sluggish at work, dragged my butt through my gym workout, came home to mounds of laundry that had to be put away and I'm quite sure some other family threw their clothes in with ours because I thought they would never end. Made supper and finally am getting around to blogging. What's suffering? My sanity. I miss how I felt when I first came to the program. My life slowed down a little, I made a lot more time for myself, and now I can barely read in bed for ten minutes before falling asleep. Many times my husband says he finds me sound asleep with book in hand. When I don't say no, when I forget to simplify, when I think I can take on any task, I suffer. I get so wrapped up in ME and not HP and the program that I start to feel blue. And today I feel blue. Tired, worn out and blue. My sponsor remarked to me yesterday that I looked like I needed a day off, that perhaps I was over doing it, but you know my alcoholic mind, I smiled bright and said "I'm fine". She looked me straight in the eye and said, "don't bullshit a bullshitter". I promised her I would try to refocus and simplify. It's hard, you start living life on life's terms, you're not drinking and suddenly you start to feel self-reliant. But you can't do it alone. I have learned a valuable lesson from these last few days and that's that I need to follow the steps of the program, give myself some time, and most of all KEEP IT SIMPLE! So point taken, I'm going to take a warm bath, and then my two youngest and I are going to watch "UP" it's an awesome movie with awesome life lessons, something I could use right now. I hope all you dad's had a great Father's Day and I did solve one problem. I called "Paws are Us" a mobile pet grooming service, and while Jack's not quite "best in show", he's trimmed, clean, and no longer smells like a dog and for now that's good enough for me.........

Fun in the garden......

Tonight I hosted a garden party for my sponsor, the ladies she sponsors, and the ladies they sponsor. I had really spent a lot of time sprucing up the gardens, spread small white lights throughout, set a pretty feminine table with gorgeous oriental lilies, used the gold flatware, and went all out to treat these women to a special night. As I was setting the table outdoors I had to have a serious plea with my higher power. They had been predicting severe weather all day and 10 minutes before the ladies got there it looked like the heavens were going to open up. I pleaded to just make it through dinner. The ladies came, all brought something, and the wind picked up and the sky started to clear, and we had a gorgeous evening. My kids were excited to meet everyone and were on good behavior, the food was excellent and the conversation lively. I had the best time. All these ladies have lived through some incredible experiences. The stories they can tell, the strength they can share, and the laughter, the laughter was well hilarious. I never dreamed you could have such a fabulous time, and all alcohol free. I was riding a high when everyone left. Once again it just confirmed to me what an awesome program this is. I have been remembering things that happened when I was drinking at my worst, and when my life was starting to really spiral out of control. Our oldest child was confirmed last year and for his capstone project he made this large mosaic cross. We had gone to Goodwill and picked out all these colored and patterned plates, and cups, and he broke them into pieces and created an absolute treasure. This cross hangs in our living room and tonight one of the ladies said, "what a gorgeous cross, a great reminder of how powerful God is". When she said those words my mind just clicked! That cross was created during my darkest days, God wanted me to know that he was there, and that he would be ready to take my hand and begin my journey into recovery when I was ready. My heart just skipped a beat. I turned and said, "yes, it's an amazing reminder of just how awesome God is!" So tonight I will go to bed and say thank you to God, for an amazing evening (weather and all) and for an amazing opportunity to wake up from the dead, to belong to the society of second chances, to live my life as it was meant to live.....full of love, laughter and ups, and downs, but mostly happiness......(big contented sigh)

Flash 55 Friday

Affinity

Limbs intertwined
amongst cotton sheets,
I rest my head on your chest
and visually count your breaths.
A soft snore escapes your lips
as you spiral into repose.
Eyes closed I can still feel
your weightless kisses at the
base of my throat.
Precious stolen moments, I omit a sigh,
then join you in slumber.

An obession with alcohol....

A co-worker and I were sitting in her office and the topic of alcohol came up. I remarked that since I've stopped drinking I've started to notice how many people make plans around alcohol. (I did too, and you don't notice that aspect about yourself while you are doing it). She said she knew what I was talking about. She and her husband often attend get togethers in their neighborhood. These are usually cookouts with a lot of alcohol in attendance. By the end of the evening she said, people are drunk, some are sleeping etc... a real rowdy bunch and she went on to say that rarely do they plan if ever an event that doesn't include alcohol. If someone says they are going to a wedding the standard reply is "hope they have open bar all night", or if they are getting together for movies it's "bring the alcohol". She wonders if they can ever plan anything that doesn't have alcohol involved. I too have noticed that all weekend plans seem to include drinking, stopping after work and drinking is quite common and I know one lady at work who thinks a balanced meal is a bottle of wine and cheese and crackers. Now I know I did all these crazy things too but I have a hunch that social drinking has taken a turn for the worse. I mean if you are suppose to have no more than one to two glasses of wine...how do you explain people drinking during the week and on the weekends, bottles of wine. As an alcoholic whose whole system began to crave and need the effects of alcohol to get her during the day I'm beginning to wonder about what is acceptable for social drinking? I think at one time alcoholics were more easily recognizable, but now people drink quite heavily and feel that there's no problem as long as they take a day or two off in between. To me that blurs the lines a bit. I bet if people wrote done exactly what they consumed in a one week period they would be shocked. Sort of like recording calories, you never think you are having too much until you actually look at the exact amount, and it can be shocking. I used to panic at certain situations if I knew there wasn't alcohol being served. I was always ready for a good time but in the last few months of my drinking it was self medicating and the fun had long ended. I'm worried as a nation that people are using the "highly functional" part to negate the amount of drinking they actually do. And TV shows and movies send us messages that it's young and trendy to drink all the time. This could be me just unraveling a thread, but I think there's more to it than that....what do you think?

An old Favorite

Lord Byron

"She walks in beauty, like the night"

SHE walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meets in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which Heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress
Or softly lightens o'er her face,
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek and o'er that brow
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,—
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.

I always picture a garden bathed in moonlite and this woman walking through it, although you can interpret it in many ways. I admire the flow, the step it has, an easy grace. I just wanted to share a piece of beauty, I hope you enjoy it........