Thursday, June 24, 2010


At last evenings Woman's group meeting the topic took a turn to fathers. At Sunday morning's meeting a dad was complaining that his daughter said she didn't want to see him and that she wanted him to _ _ _ _ off! This person had crawled on his pity pot and we heard the "woa is me" story until one of the old timers took off the kid gloves and gave it to him loud and strong. "Why should our children want to see us? Most of us raised them drunk. We made promises we never kept, prioritized alcohol over school programs, disappointed our children over and because you're sober you think you daughter should just run over and be happy and this great relationship will happen? She learned to survive without you. You need to take responsibility for the way you raised her. She may never come around and you will have to accept that. Most of us were never there for our children so why should they be there for us?" The room was silent and then the first mas spoke again, "That hurts but you are right, I was never there for her, why should she be there for me...." This inspired the talk that happened last night. One woman said her father was a terrible adulterer, and her monther finally left him, and his second wife alienated them from having any relationships with him. She said she still feels resentments towards her dad, but is slowly working on letting them go. Another woman talked about the lack of "fathering" her ex husband does with their teenage son. It's so frustrating and difficult....Another woman told of her wonderful father. How giving and active he was in their lives, and how when she sobered up a year before his death, he made her promise that she would beat this disease. She also talked about that fact that she married a very difficult man whom she ended up divorcing because he was so cold and distant. Then I spoke. I was very lucky to grow up with a good father. He wasn't taught a lot in the way of emotions or expression of feelings but he was a good provider, and supporter in my life. My father came to get me mid semester at school. I was broken down and broken hearted. The car ride home was quiet that day but he never made me feel bad for my decision. He came to get me at the police station one night after my exboyfriend decided to use my face for a punching bag, he clapped loudly at my college graduation, and not too long ago he told me how proud he was of me for entering AA. My children are also very lucky to have a good dad. Even though my husband works a lot he spends quality time with our children when he is home. And in the summer he spends most of the day with them until he has to leave for work. When I was drinking I did everything, I was the key that held the family together, I, I, I...get the drift? I was so busy being self absorbed, and full of self pity that I failed to realize the enormous contribution my husband has made to our family, to the raising of our children. I tend to be more task minded, and he is more fun minded. We had struck a balance and I hadn't even noticed. Last night's discussion went a long way for me. A family is a joint effort, and I have been given a dose of humility by realizing that I am not the center of our family. We all work together. It's still difficult for me to let go, to be less guarded of my emotions, but this program gives me the opportunity to practice, and give, and realize it's ok to just be silly once in a while. And I don't mind the role of care giver because I have a great team with my husband as the fun giver, and after all two heads are better than one.......


  1. two heads are better than one...its a team effort and in many ways your kids will see your spouse through your eyes...and your words...

  2. I love how meetings and topics and open up topics in your own life to be explored. And, I, I, I...I was the same way!

  3. A very moving post for me. I have come to understand that my dad did the best that he could. And I am now doing the best that I can in the relationship with my wife. We both decided that having children wasn't a good idea with the history of alcoholism in both families. I think that any relationship requires teamwork.