Driving home from an away soccer game with six kids and myself in the van, I was able to do some reflecting despite the volume, and the giggling. It was a beautiful autumn evening. The colors on the trees were spectacular, and the sun was dropping low in the sky. Since we were driving through farm country fog was settling on the fields, making the deer that were grazing barely visible. What an awesome time to be alive! I kept thinking that over and over and thanking God. Two years earlier I would not have been feeling this way. I would have been planning how or what I was going to drink to unwind later in the evening.
Pretty pathetic I know. But I no longer beat myself up over it. What's done is done and I need to stay in the present, not dwell in the past. We stopped for a McDonald's dinner with the rest of the team, and then headed home. One of the boy's mothers came later to pick him up and we were laughing at the busy, animal (dog sitting plus we have a new four month old kitten) filled house she walked into. After saying our good-byes I began to pack lunches. So grateful once again for the simplicity of small acts. How I love my busy, jam packed life, and how sobriety lets me enjoy all the moments, good or bad.
My husband and I recently dealt with some things, that last year, I just wasn't ready to confront. I didn't quite have all the tools to do it well. This 'something' has been a source of contention for almost our entire marriage. It was always like a black cloud hovering on the horizon. I decided it was time to walk through the storm and lay it down. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty, but resolving or working through touchy things rarely are. We persevered, and I was amazed that we were able to get through the worst of it with little repercussions. The rest will heal in time. One baby step each day.
None of this would be possible without the program of AA in my life. I no longer have to run. I can turn, and face my demons and know that no matter what I will be just fine. What a way to fill an empty hole that was huge for so long. I feel so lucky that I have come this far in such a short time.
At last Saturday's meeting I heard a small voice introduce herself and say "and I'm an alcoholic", fresh from rehab. I sought out her face, and there she was in the corner. Trying to make herself invisible, misery written on her face, desperately seeking answers. It was a great meeting and I hope she keeps coming back. I remember all to well being where she is. You just want the pain to go away. But you need to work for it. That's the part so many people don't want to do. Myself included. There are days that I would like to run away. When my husband and I were in the middle of this mess I said to my son, "I just don't want to deal with this today", to which he replied, "that's not an option". How true!
So you trudge along. Sometimes gracefully, sometimes a big mess. But each day that the sun rises and sets things get a little better. You start to appreciate everything you took for granted. Even packing school lunches. I am grateful for a fresh new face at an AA meeting. It reminds me that I need to stay focused, that I need to work my program each and every day, because the Promises really do come true, it you work for them......