Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Can you please get me the Moon?

Last night I was finally able to attend an AA meeting that I haven't been back to for a while. It's a little distance from where I live, but it's hosted by my friend M, a smaller intimate meeting that reads the Daily Reflections and then we each share our experience, strength, and hope as it relates to the reading. There were some metaphores going on in reference to the moon. Many interpretations were given and it was an excellent meeting. For myself the reading struck home at my imaturity when I first came through the doors. I had the mentality of a 17 yr. old. Locked away in my young mind I was in a 41 year old body, but still seeking parental and peer approval, still thinking the world revolved around me, still be selfish in my needs and wants, and completely oblivious to the destruction I had been delivering for years. My mental state assured me I was fine, "just stay where you are and no one will get hurt." Hmmmm, cunning, baffling, and powerful? You bet. Because when the smoke began to settle and I saw all the debris that was left I got really scared. And what is the reaction of a scared child or young adult? Run! and run far I did. Way into the back of my mind. So you imagine how terrified I was when my sponsor informed me that I was going to go from 17 to 41 in a matter of months. Can I have a "hall pass"? or perhaps be excused to the nurses room?" I'm not feeling all that up to "growing' right now. But the beauty of AA is you are so busy staying sober and working the steps that you don't even realize how much you are growing. You start to become someone you never imaged you could be. And before you know it your biological and mental state are one in the same. It wasn't until I was done with my sixth step that I paused for a moment and realized that teenage girl was gone. My relationship changed with my parents, my siblings, my spouse,friends, coworkers, and children. Boundaries went up, that needed to be up, and I finally started to participate in the roles that I needed to. So what about the moon? The moon analogy represents my impatience. I want it all and I want it now. Go get me the moon! I don't want to wait for a sliver, a half, or even a three quarter, I want the whole moon, front and center. But wait there's a catch. The times I have grown the most are when I'm on the dark side of the moon. Out of the light. We need to have things in stages, or it would overwhelm us and we would give up. So the phases of the moon represent the ebb and flow of every day life. There are times when darkness will surround us, and there are times the light from the moon will illuminate us. I have really struggled with patience and learning to wait this past year but I think I see a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel. Six weeks ago I submitted some poetry to the UW Marathon Campus's spring Mush publication. It's a publication of poems and short stories, that the public is welcome to submitt to. I was told I would hear by March if a piece of mine had been selected. March came and went. Not hearing anything I just chalked it up to inexperience as a writer and moved on. What a delightful way to start my Monday when I opened my email and there it was "You've been approved!" One of my poems is going to be published in their spring publication. There's a kick off party that I'm invited to, and it also explained the rigorous process that each piece of writing had to go through before it could be voted on and accepted. I almost fainted. In the past I would have driven myself crazy with the fact that I had failed, should I contact them, etc. But this time when I accepted it right away and moved on something great happpened. So there are important phases to go to before the full moon. Those tiny steps in the darkness help build your character so you can really shine in the full light of the moon. So yes, there are times when I still want the whole moon, but I now know how important it is to wait in darkness, to ensure that when it shines, it shines brighter than any expectation I may have had......


  1. woohoo! that is awesome...how do we get a copy of the publication? you rock!

  2. Hello! I've been reading for a while, but this is my first comment. I'm an alcoholic too. I'm also 41 - it's funny, because I'm convinced inside I'm anywhere from 12-19 years old. Congrats on being published! I love your blog.

  3. How bloody fantastic is that!!!!!!!
    Awesome sista. I totally hear you about our lack of maturity. I've been reading on this lately how we've stunted our emotional growth, put on the appearance of it but that was simply us digging a deep enough hole to bury it all.
    Growth comes in peaks and valleys for me also, when I'm in the valley I cannot see the learning God is teaching me. When the sun again hits my face on the peak it's just there.

  4. Wonderful post. I like the way you write. Congratulations on the publication. Isn't it great to grow up?

  5. Good Morning!! Your share here:
    "But the beauty of AA is you are so busy staying sober and working the steps that you don't even realize how much you are growing."

    immediately made me think of "the promises"
    "We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves"

    As a journaling addict, and now a blogging addict, I am drawn to past writings and am continuously astounded at this growth you speak of. Like, "wow, really ?? !!!" "Me???"

    GF, I impore you to remember us starving artists down here after YOU ARE PUBLISHED!!!!
    wooooo hoooooooooooooooo on that one! WTG!! And I'll take a signed copy thankyouverymuch!!

  6. Congrats! I was pretty surprised when I came in at 21 and everyone was saying I was 14 (because thats how old I was before I started using/drinking). Emotionally I definitely did feel 14! Today...almost 4 years later I'm not even in adult sobriety yet, argh. But I have grown a lot!

  7. That is indeed wonderful. I still feel about 30 years old in my body. But am glad that my mind has matured. I am glad that you will be published. Hope that you post the poem on here.