Feel free to wake me up because I better be dreaming......

I love Wisconsin...it's rolling hills, picturesque farms, quaint towns, fresh air, inches of snow....wait, what do you mean "inches of snow"?! Isn't it spring, the calendar declared that on Sunday March 20th Spring began, well hello, Wisconsin didn't get the memo! Last night after nine PM I came out of my Master Gardener class and was greeted by a face full of sleet and snow. The wind was whipping and visibility was zero. I could barely find a lane to drive in. Mother nature was unleashed. Not to mention that it was also thundering and lightening. Which I love to lay in bed and listen to, but not when the wind is howling, and sleet is pounding the windows. Needless to say the children were happy because it's a "snow day". Except for adults who had to make it into work, and by the grace of God I did. What a mess. It feels like there is no hope. That spring in all it's magic has been chased out of the state. March is a cruel month. But I am thankful that my life is rich and full and there just has to be hope around the corner. The other day my sponsor and I were talking about self love. The falseness that people hide behind. People try to act cool, like nothing bothers them, or that they are above you, by putting you down they feel better. I stopped acting when I came into AA. I was tired, probably because I was so busy writing the script, directing, acting, filming etc. so how do you love yourself? Early on in AA all I could see were all my faults. As more was revealed the more horrified I became. I was selfish, egotistical, insecure, unhappy, bossy, unrealistic, not humble etc.... and I was suppose to feel good about myself? My sponsor told me the first time we met that the greatest gift she could give me was self love. To love myself just as I was. I thought she was nuts. Come on I'm middle aged, need to loose weight,, emotionally drained, my soul was bankrupt and I was carrying baggage from second grade. Well of course I didn't know that what she wanted me to do was cut myself a heap of slack. To ask the prefectionist to "take a break". We started by carving out some "me time". A time everyday where I did something for myself. Listened to music, wrote, read, took a long bath etc... just me. Now of course this wasn't easy because all the "mom guilt" that resides in me would come bubbling up every time I tried to do this, but after a while it got less and less hard. Then came taking care of myself. Make better eating choices, get more sleep, take a walk, do what feels good. Next we worked on how I saw myself. I had to take a good look at myself. Wrinkles, muffin top and all. I had been avoiding mirrors for years because I was ashamed of my weight. I had worked so hard to loose it, and then to put it back on and more was crushing. Until the day my sponsor pointed out skinny little L at a Saturday morning meeting and said, "I bet L is a size 3, but does she look happy to you?" I looked at L, her face tight, drawn, and so unhappy. Every time she tried to talk she burst into tears. Point taken, like money, skinniness doesn't buy happiness. So I learned to accept for the first time in 42 years, my body, just as it is. This is me, stretch marks and all. Then I had to learn to rest when I was tired, ask for help when I was overwhelmed, talk when I needed to, laugh, cry, and sometimes just be quiet. In otherwords, live my emotions. And something happened, little by little I began to like and accept myself. I didn't notice it at first but in the last few months, I've finally accepted me. It's been a long time coming. I hope that I can give my daughter this wisdom and her journey doesn't have to be as long as mine was. To have true self love is a gift that surpasses so many others. You don't need money, a perfect body, a perfect face, or clothes, just plain and simple acceptance. Once you do that you radiate a confidence, a strength, a comfortablness that leaks into other people. I was having a conversation on the phone with a friend the other night when they commented: "Liz, you sound great!" and I thought, "I feel great". I am wonderfully made by God, and what he makes is perfection. Not conceit, just acceptance. So look in the mirror today, and give that special reflection a message, "I love you just the way you are!" and if you truly mean it, peace and contentment will follow.... smiles....