Monday, November 15, 2010
The all important 24 hrs. at a time
When I first called the AA hotline I spoke with someone who told me "we never think in terms of forever we deal with 24 hours at a time." This was a pretty new concept for me, I was always cringing from something that had happened in the past or was planning months ahead in the future. I had no idea how to exist in the present.It's funny but now when I look back I think I spent a great deal of my life waiting for something to happen. When you are a teenager you are waiting to grow up, waiting to "get a life". At 24 I owned a house, was married and having our first child. I was always waiting for the next big thing. Then as life progressed and I finished my college degree, had two more children, went out into the working world, I was still waiting for the next big thing to happen. What I didn't realize was all the big things I was waiting for had happened but I was to busy looking over my shoulder or craning my neck to see in the future to even notice what was going on in my life. So staying in these 24 hours has taken a lot of time and energy on my part. I have to monitor my thinking a lot and catch myself many times a day to keep me in the here and now. It's a control thing. My alcoholic mind doesn't want to accept the past which I can't change and it somehow wants to control the future before it becomes the past. Well this week I found out not only how to live in this 24 hours I found out how to live minute by minute. I was having a crazy week. Every night this past week I had somewhere to be. Teacher conferences, meeting with Alex and his guidance counselor, bible study, meetings, etc. and then it happened right in the middle of my week. I found something out about someone whom I've known for a long time that completely took me be surprise and rocked my world. I was numb, stunned to say the least. Of course I didn't sleep a wink that night. I lay wide awake and began to converse with my higher power. It no longer became 24 hours a time it became minute by minute. I felt like my mind had been shattered into a million pieces, and I was frantically trying to find all the shards of glass. Finally I asked my HP for the peace that passes all understanding and I felt my soul get quiet. I was able to speak with my sponsor and some friends in the program. They were wonderful. I realized that my HP had put these people in my life to help me get through 24 hours at a time. God is good. I am dealing with what I need to deal with and I'm staying in the present. I celebrated nine months on the day I found this news out and whether that is symbolic or not I never would have handled this without the program of AA in my life, my higher power and staying in the here and now. For the first time in nine months I had a complete awakening to what 24 hours means. I will never take that for granted. It is one of the best "tools for living" that I have in my toolbox. Step by step, minute by minute, hour by hour, 24 and no more......peace!