Looking deep into the eyes of pain......

Last night I tried a different 7:00 meeting. The one I was attending was great but its a distance from my house and I don't always make it, so I thought I would try one that is only a few minutes from my house. I really liked it. Smaller and more intimate. After reading a chapter from the big book, we went around and discussed various topics related to the disease of alcoholism. When we approached the last person in the room, he leaned forward and poured out his soul. Tears were flowing, and you could literally feel his pain. He's been sober a few months, just started a new job, thinks he should be on top of the world, but he just feels terrible. He is so hurt and confused by this pain. Yet, watching him you know he needs to open that faucet up to full blast and let all that yuky, black tar hurt just run out till there is no more. Four of us stayed after and talked with him. Three old timers with lots of wisdom talked first, and then everyone looked at me. Why is it when you are the "new kid" you feel like what you have to share is just fluff?! So I shared when my feelings came back. How it was in the middle of church and it was like a fountain exploding! How my 16 yr. old was standing next to me probably praying to God to have the floor open up and swallow him. One of my good friends was in front of me so she helped clean up my face after the service so I didn't go to Alex's curling banquet looking like "Tammy Faye Baker"! At this point he started to smile, and even laugh a little. I told him I cried off and on for the next week and at one point I laid on my bed and cried for about four hours straight. To get it all out. Years of pain, shame, hurt, hiding etc. I just let it all pour out. And I'm not talking a few tears, I'm talking buckets! Without the pain it's almost impossible to really enjoy the good times. Pain makes joy evident, obvious, and enjoyable. I also told him one thing I have learned is that when I stop pushing my program, when I do just what I'm suppose to and let go and let God my program runs the smoothest. Prayers, and hugs later we all went our seperate ways. I used to avoid sad movies, books, news, etc. I thought I was just too chicken hearted to deal with them. Now I can sit in a room and feel someone's pain and see it as a gift. A gift to remind me of where I was, where I could be if I don't work my program, a place where I don't want to return to. He also reminded me that it's so important to walk through the pain, to appreciate all that is good in life. So I say "thank you" to this person, for he will probably never know just how important he was to my recovery........