Monday....no wait it's Tuesday....

I can tell you already I will be a day off all week! The holiday weekend was fun. Saturday was a day created by angels. Endless blue sky, warm temps, and soft breezes. I finally dragged my children out of the water at 8:30Pm. All golden brown and water logged. A lovely dinner, then sitting around the fire watching the fireworks shoot up over the lake. It was good someone thought to light their fireworks off on Saturday because Sunday brought lots of gloom and rain, so the fireworks were cancelled. But we created a fun atmosphere indoors, and passed the time with books, movies, games and snacks. The kids even went swimming in the rain a few times. The temp. was warm so they enjoyed it. Monday brought some morning sun and afternoon rain so we left early and decided to complete some projects at home. Now it's back to work for two days then back up north with the family and we will be joined by our best friend's and their daughter for some more sun and fun. It's nice just working two days this week. But sooner than later reality will hit and I will come back to schedules and meetings but we'll stay in this 24 hours for today (lol) I was having coffee with my sponsor Friday night and she was telling me about a woman who asked her to be her sponsor. This particular lady I know has been in and out of the doors of AA a lot. She will stay sober for a week or two then go out and drink, cry and be remorseful and beg my sponsor back and then repeat this process. My sponsor is at a crossroads. She wants to help this person, but this person isn't relapsing she's actively using. She chose my sponsor because she's tough but when my sponsor tries to get tough with her she takes off running and hides behind the bottle. I can see that this is really taking it's toll on my sponsor. She's frustrated. Not to mention confused. What do you do in this situation? I wasn't sure what to say. I remember scanning the room when I first came into AA, looking for someone to take this walk with me. It took me a few weeks because I didn't feel the connection with anyone in particular. I had seen the woman who was to become my sponsor twice, and each time I liked what she had to say. There was no bull about her. I knew even though I wasn't to sure about her that she was what I needed. I am a master at charm, and munipulation and I love to people please so I needed someone who could see through all my games and make me walk it straight. What I was surpised to find out was how loving my sponsor is. She would walk through fire for you and she's tough because she wants you to make it. If I'm quiet with her it doesn't take her long to guess what I've been up to (over doing it and not taking care of myself). She makes me own up to the program. She's preparing me to give it back one day. I have also laughed with this person, cried with this person, and seen a vulnerable side of her that could bring you to tears. It's funny, we want people to be tough on us but we don't want to be tough on ourselves. We don't want our feelings hurt, we don't want to do things if we're not ready, we want to feel sorry for ourselves, and when we crash we want everyone to gently pick up the pieces. This is a disease that kills, there's nothing gentle about it. When I was out using I didn't care if I hurt your feelings, I did what I pleased when I pleased, I lived on the pity pot....in otherwords I had no regards for anyone but myself. Then why can't we be tough on ourselves? Because we want the easier/softer way. I'm an alcoholic and a very big coward. I can run so fast to get out of a situation that I never look back, and I did this for years. My sponsor has stopped my running, she gently turns me around and says, "let's figure out what you're running from" and "let's take a look at where you're going". I'm even finding ways to embrace my old self. There are pieces of me that still surface from time to time and one is competativeness. I can get crazy in games and the other night when we were playing cards I was my old self. But to my surpise everyone was laughing with me not at me, and it was ok that I have this trait. I still have the alcoholic mind, even if I'm not using. Glimpses of my old self will appear from time to time and thanks to a tough sponsor they don't have to disappear. I can accept them for what they are. I remember someone saying to me in the first few weeks of my recovery: "don't forget your past, it's what makes you understand yourself, and why you do the things you do". I like understanding myself, I like my quiet new self, and I like the funny competative old self, just as long as she only visits now and then........