Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Facing the truth.....

by Chris Stallings
"Living A Lie"

Walking around forcing a smile
wishing someone could walk a mile in my shoes,
talking about
every things alright,and appear to someone else to be living the life
Trying to fit in, want to be me
scared of the possibility
that they won't except me for who i am
now i lost my identity
and don't know who i am anymore

Because I've been living a lie
trying to survive losing most of myself
saying goodbye to it sounds so right
but it's not easy as it seems
because living a lie is a sacrifice
but no more
I've gotta be my self now

Talking things over in my head
how do i find the part of me that's dead
because this mask that others see
finally i want to shed
Trying to fit in
want to be me, but afraid of the possibilities
that they want except me for who i am
but no longer am i afraid
gonna show the world
let it be heard that I've been

I've been living a lie
trying to survive losing most of myself
saying goodbye to it sounds so right
but it's not easy as it seems
because living a lie is a sacrifice
but no more
I've gotta be my self now


I love this poem. This was me a year ago. I was living a lie. I kept it going until one day in August I cracked. But it was only a small fracture and I just let a little tiny bit of truth seep out. But my alcoholic instincts took over and I immediatly tried to seal that crack. Try to make it look like everything was going to be fine while all the while hemoraging inside. I was still blaming everything and everyone. It wasn't until I came into AA that I realized I had the problem. I remember after my second meeting I kept thinking :"Are they sure it's me, I mean I do everything for everybody?!" "How can it be me?" It's that moment of truth that has to be one of the scariest things you will ever face. It's like the universe sucked right back into me and I had to take responsibility for all my actions. But it's so much easier to blame everyone else. Once in a while at meetings you can catch a glimpse of yourself through someone else. There is a particular woman whom I met at my second meeting. Pretty little lady but she is exactly in the same spot as the day I met her, in fact she may have progressed even further back. She spoke at Saturday's meeting and she talked about all the anger she has inside. That she just wants to scream it all out and really give it to people. She kept blaming one person after another and yet I never heard her say she wanted to yell at herself. The ownership wasn't there. After I took ownership that the disease was mine, that the caos was of my making, that the avoidance of life was mine...it became easier to face. I remember how mad I was at myself! All that time wasted avoiding living life because I was so busy trying to escape it, and guess what? It was still there, the whole mess, and it was mine. It's still mine, but little by little as I take the ownership, some of the baggage is disappearing. If I'm angry because I have this disease, because I can't drink like a normal person, I haven't surrendered nor have I taken on the fact of ownership. I remind myself of this every day. It's always so easy to whip the blame out at my husband, job, friends, God, etc. but I need to remember wherein all the bullshit lies and that is within me. If I don't take ownership of myself then I miss out on all the little riches in life. Like the two new baby doves we have in the window box (the picture is not them just used for an example). These little survivors are being doted on by their mum who protects them fiercely. Or how I wouldn't have enjoyed the bike ride with Gracie last night who said to me while we were riding, "it's fun just you and me mom, riding alone and talking girl stuff". Yes, I have the disease of alcoholism. It's cunning, baffling, and powerful. But it has also opened my eyes to understanding why I do things the way I do, to look at the perspective of someone else, to make sure my house is in order, to make sure the past doesn't repeat itself. Having this disease, even with all the horrible things it brings has given me a much deeper appreciation for life. It's a part of who I am, in every minute of the day, even when I'm just being a "girl" with my daughter...talking "girl stuff".........

6 comments:

  1. I have sure been there, Chris, no--NOT "talking girl stuff"--grin! But "living the lie'. And ya know? Nobody even CARES when ya get to the bottom line. Ergo, I am fooling who? MYSELF! Right.

    For some reason, some peeps recover fully from this, others (me?) watch it sneak back into their lives little by little, until it is again there for all the world to see. That world which does not care. When the only one who cares is--ME!

    Thanks for a lot of EXCELLENT posts these days!

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  2. You see The Truth now...and thats all that matters! See Ya Friday?

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  3. Living life, really living it, is an awesome thing. Glad that you are enjoying all that life has to offer.

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  4. yeah, i have walked that road...a wonderful verse...you are spot on about taking ownership and the difference it makes...hope you day is filled with sunshine!

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  5. lovely poem,
    brave and honest reflections...

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