Monday, February 22, 2010
High Bottom, Sponsors, and Hitting the Wall
You hear lots of terms in AA such as high bottom alcoholics. Friday at the meeting I asked what a high bottom was? (no its not a nice firm butt) A high bottom is an alcoholic that realizes they have a problem and comes to AA before they have lost their spouse, children, job, home etc...and low bottom is someone who comes into AA having just about lost everything with nowhere else to turn. I'm a "high bottom". Now most people would think that being a "high bottom" was much better than being a low bottom, but there is a lot of danger in thinking that way. As I now have heard more than once, is that "High bottoms" feel they are different and almost always drop out of the program. This proves to be a very bad decision because almost every "high bottom" that drops out comes back within a year and now enters as a "low bottom". Alcoholism is alcoholism. High or low its still the some evil cunning disease. Never think you are different. That your drinking is more manageable because you haven't lost everything. I heard first hand two tales of high bottoms thinking they were different and both returned as low bottoms. You can pay a great price for humility. To ensure that you work the twelve steps correctly you are asked to choose a sponsor. Someone who has completed the twelve steps, who has a certain time of sobriety and can lead you on your journey. I chose my sponsor Saturday. She is awesome. Funny, warm, sober for 20 years and no bull about her. We will get together for the first time Friday night for a one on one session to talk about me. Not the me that I pretend or want to be, but the person I truley am. That's a bit nerve racking. I've said it before, that alcohol is a very small part of this process. Examining your life, asking for foregivness, total submission to God, these are the parts that bring you serenity. I am scared. I really don't know who I am. What if I don't like the person I really am, what if my friends don't like the person I am to become? You have to totally trust in the plans God has for you. Right now I'm on the edge of a cliff, looking at a bridge and the people who have made it to the other side. I have to totally trust that with the help of God I won't plung down, but that I too will make it to the other side. Saturday we had an awesome speaker and potluck at AA. I love these people. A bunch of us sat together from our usual 5:30 meeting, and we shared stories. I love to hear the personal journey stories. Each one is a miracle. Each one is a testament to God. I came home flying high. Grabbed the kids and headed off to church. I was not prepared for what happened next. Tears, tears spilling all over the place. For the first time in years I had such a rush of emotions surfacing and spilling out I didn't know what to do. I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole! Thank God for Bob and Sherri, thank you so much for your hugs, and words of support, and cleaning my face up. It was as if for the very first time I didn't just hear what God had done for me, a poor miserable sinner, but I felt it. Felt it in my entire being. It's overwhelming. But life doesn't stop because mom is falling apart. It was off to an awards banquet for Al and the Curling team. I was smiling and trying to keep my eyes from squirting every five seconds, and I must have been pretty bad because another mother offered to bring Alex home so I could take Grace and Sam and go. Thank goodness! I barely made it to the car. I cried the rest of the night. I was trying to pass it off as over doing it, exhaustion. I woke up feeling worse on Sunday. At the AA meeting I talked about it with my sponser and found out I had hit the wall. The emotional wall. And I was to ride it out. Cry all day if I wanted to. No one can prepare you for it. I feel so full of hurt, shame, pain, and sadness that I feel like it's going to fly out of me like a fire hydrant. My sponsor also told me its one of the shortest phases, and its God's way of opening up my heart. I sat in a room full of people and sobbed, and I wasn't ashamed. That in itself is a huge step for me. I spent the rest of Sunday like a train wreck but let my parents come over and help me with household chores, and dinner. I guess its not so bad to let other people help you. I knew a long time ago I wasn't super woman but I never turned my cape in. I did now!