Living in the dark.....

Literally. Yesterday an afternoon storm rolled through the area. Winds at over 60 miles an hour. I was training with a colleague when all the power went out at work. It was finally restored about 10:30 pm last night. I picked up the kids went home only to fine out we were out of power, and guess what? We still are!!! Not to mention huge pine branches snapped and lying all over our yard. Luckily none of them fell on the gardens or caused damage. Just a big mess. So what do you do with three children staring at you? and no power? Go shopping. Sam needed some new flip flops, Alex some new shirts, and Grace needed styrofoam balls for her planet report. We managed to waste a few hours bumming around and then headed home confident that the power would be on by now. Nope. Now it's late in the evening and we are loosing light. So I put everyone into action. The kids went out to start hauling branches, and I sorted backpacks, made lunches, laid out clothes, and gather pj's. I also dug out lots of candles, flashlights, matches, and turned down the beds. The kids came in and we headed to grandpa and grandma's so they could finish homework and shower. Confident once again the power must be on we headed home. Only to see the telling flicker of candles through my neighbor's window as we pulled into the driveway. It was going on ten pm so we lit candles and headed to our rooms. Once Sam was tucked in, I blew out his candle, Alex took one to his room to finish reading a book for history and Grace and I headed upstairs. It was fun to read Laura Ingalls Wilder's "By the Shores of Silver Lake" in the candlelight. The soft flickers of shadows on the ceiling, entertained Grace and lulled her to sleep. I slept restless hoping to find the power on this morning but no deal. Charles took the kids to school, and I headed to my parents so I could get ready for work. Confident once again the power must be on I phoned my husband only to hear "nope". I can't image the people in the South or anyone for that matter without power. I went to my laptop only to remember our wireless was down. I must have turned the light switches on from habit 100 times only to realize they didn't work. Boy I would not have handed this well in the past. This would have been a perfect reason to drink. But having three pairs of eyes staring at you all expecting you to know what to do makes a difference. I was so thankful to be sober and clear headed. I needed to be the mom and not wrapped up in my own pity party at the weather's inconveniecing us. My kids were great. They just did what I asked and no one freaked out. I was able to reassure them that we would be just fine. Now I just hope that the power comes on sometime today. I value their trust, and I don't want them to start to panic. Living in the dark shines a different perspective on things. You can't do as much. You are limited by candles. You appreciate the small conveniences you do have. It keeps you humble. I hope you are all in the "light" today and that you never take it for granted in your day to day lives.I know I won't every again.....

And in the second year of sobriety....

I was teasing my sponsor the other day:"You forgot to tell me that in the second year of sobriety your life gets crazy busy". She laughed and said, "it's amazing how fast those hours spent drinking are filled with living life once you stop". How true it is. The only thing I can say is that by Monday I'm more tired than I was on Friday. But really I'm not complaining. Last Thursday night when I attended the release party for the MUSH publication I was presently surpised to find out that two of my poems had been published. We each received a copy of the publications, and it was awesome to sit and listen to so many talented people read their pieces. The food was provided by a local Italian deli, (nothing like cheese, and Italian meats) and the weather even broke into late evening sun. A good time was had by all. Friday the Center for the Visual Arts had their annual auction. My oldest child had submitted a painting for this fundraiser. My girlfriend called in the afternoon saying she couldn't use her ticket so could I? Of course! An evening of art, auctions and once again good food is right up my alley. Alex was so nervous about his painting but it sold after two bids, so he was feeling much more self assured and was starting to plan what he would submitt for next year's gala. It was great to spend this time talking with people in our community and he enjoyed meeting other artist's as well. I love to watch my children interacting with other's accross the room because it gives you a different peek at their personalities. Saturday found hubby working, Alex off to another city for Cultural Fest, and the rest of us headed for a greenhouse and then home for planting. Sunday my two youngest and I sang with their classmates and mom's for Mother's day in church. And then it was home to spend the day the way I wanted, working in my flower beds. This isn't work for me, it's pure enjoyment. My parents came for dinner, and it was so nice to crawl into bed full of sunshine, fresh air and exhaustion. I try to follow my program by staying in today. But as I opened the frig. for some milk this morning, one click glance at the calendar and the only free evening this week is Wednesday until I realized Grace and I need to finish her planet report. Yikes! In an instant I started to panick, my mind started racing, how can I get all this done, and now hubby is back to working in the afternoon and evenings. And then I looked down, and on the counter was a small silver coin, and on it the serenity prayer. Grace had taken it out of my jewelry box and had left it on the counter. God must have had a plan, so I read that serenity prayer, and took a deep breath. "No problem, I thought. I got this." I poured the milk on my cereal and turned on the morning news to get the weather report. You know we have so many little sayings in AA that people could consider mundane or tacky but for me they work. Take it easy, one day at a time, keep both feet in today etc.....I didn't live like this before. I had one foot in the past and one in the future. No wonder the present is so busy for me. I stood their for a moment feeling like I was standing on a train platform. I needed to make the decision to get on the train and get where I needed to go, or stay back in fear. I took a deep breath, then jumped aboard. Today I choose to not let life pass me by......Hoping all you awesome mom's, aunties, and women had a great Mother's Day!!!!

Betula Papyrifera

There you are old friend
another winter past
your posture is more bent,
your white coat a little
worse for the wear.
I'm glad to see you at your post,
guarding the point.
As the bow of the canoe drifts
across your reflected image,
I pay tribute to your loyalty,
See you soon noble birch.

Here it is, the "published" poem. I have the "release" party tonight, and have been asked to read my poem. I have always loved birch trees. How they stand out in the landscape, tall and proud. As I was writing out the monthly calendar, I reflected on how differently life has become. We are busy beyond belief. Life that held hours of empty drinking, no longer even holds five minutes of free time. If it's not raining the kids want to be biking. Last night my son even talked me into bahaaaing down a grass and dirt covered hill. What fun that was and I didn't flip off the bike.(personal family members will tell you I lack coordination). I had to text my sponsor to assure her I was ok, just busy living life, and that I would see her at Saturday's meeting. She was glad I checked in, and glad that life is full. I am a little nervous for tonight, so wish me luck. Today I get the pleasure of saying: "I am grateful that my cup runneth over", and I hope you are too.....

My favorite book....

Justine Bieber and I have something in common. Our favorite book is: To Kill A Mockingbird". The first time I read this book I was a sophomore in high school. Trying to survive the breakup of yet another poor choice I had made. My English teacher was Mrs.Brown. Very petite, dressed in fitted jackets and skirts, pretty, and always sat on her desk when she taught us. We spent about a month on this book, and I loved it. I love the truth that Harper Lee wrote with. She didn't sugar coat the past, just laid it all out in (excuse the pun) black and white. The turning point for me is when Jem thinks they have the jury licked. They can't find Tom Robinson guilty, and yet the jury does. There dies the boy and in steps the man. The injustice that is so hard to explain. So hard to swallow and yet as we get older, we tend to understand it more. It's not such a raw sharp enlightenment as it once was. Boo Radley had it figured out, it was much easier to just stay inside. I have read this book every year since then. If you do the math that's 26 times. I have most of the dialogue memorized, and I always find something new. In my opinion Harper Lee was a genious. My oldest read the book last year. He liked it but couldn't quite see my facination with the book. I told him I had an awesome teacher, who really made our class understand all the awesome tidbits of wisdom that are tucked into that book. "Whatever, mom" came the reply. So last night like an old friend I picked up the hard covered copy that my mother gave me years ago (from the 60's) and began my annual spring journey through this literary great. They say the written word can change your life and this book changed mine. I saw the end of my own childhood as scary, and the end of innocence made me run. I buried that fear in a bottle, until through my higher power and AA I was able to deal with that pain. To read through the pages of injustice, and to mourn the outcome of an innocent man. This book means even more to me now, than it did then. Do I have "Bieber Fever"? No! But I must say for a young man he has great taste in books....Is there a book that is special to you?

Dancing Sober....

Yes, I did for the first time in about 25 years I danced sober. I wasn't sure how I would feel but once out on the dance floor surrounded by friends it was fine. Funny to see what or how other's dance and then to decide that you don't care how you look so you let go and just have fun. My hubby was out of town this past weekend and I attended the wedding of one of our friend's son by myself. I wasn't anticipating any great time, thought I'd be home right after dinner. The ceremony was beautiful, and since their was a block of time before the reception we all went to one of our friend's house for drinks and munchies. The host and hostess are so much fun and right away I had a diet 7UP in hand. It was great to catch up on what our friend's had been up to since I had been sick for the last big social event. We all headed over to the reception for an excellent dinner. They toasted with champagne and I toasted with diet soda. Afterwards we all sat around laughing, and joking, and then the dancing began. How can you not dance to music from "Saturday Night Fever"? It was a hoot. I wasn't uncomfortable at all. As the night went on and the volume got louder I knew it was time for me to leave. I said my good-byes and headed home. Reflecting on the way home that I can barely remember a time when I danced sober. I never had the courage, and with a drink in hand it gave me the perfect excuse if I danced like a fool. Tonight I had fun and I didn't care what people thought of me. I would wake up Sunday morning refreshed after a good night's sleep and have a productive day minus a hangover. It's nice to come to the point of being able to go anywhere as long as you are spiritually fit. I also know that if the situation becomes uncomfortable I can leave. I have choices today, something I didn't have before. Also being able to drive yourself home without worrying about being pulled over is another plus. There was a reason my husband had to be out of town at the last minute, and that I needed to go to this wedding by myself. I needed to be alone and prove to myself that I am able to be in the same room as alcohol. To seperate myself from my friends as the one who has the problem finally makes sense to me. Believe it or not this was a huge growth experience for me. It's nice to know that I do know how to handle every situation as it comes. Tonight I pick up my Master Gardener Certificate and handbook. Yes, I passed. I found the results out on Friday. It was a hard test, and I was over analyzing it so much that I finally just turned it in to get it out of my hands. Unfortunately the high today is 45 and it feels like the second of November rather than May but we're hanging in there. Hope you are all having a happy Monday.....

Flash 55 Friday

Disruption

A dull gray stone
darkens as it splits
the translucent barrier
and sinks to rest on
a sandy floor. Fast
flowing concentric circles multiply
across the glassy surface
reaching out to infinity
in an amoeba like existence
of a clear blue world
only to be interrupted
by a water bug oblivious
of his untimely intrusion....

Trying to have thoughts of the lake after three days of rain and cold. We are suppose to have a break of one day before rain sets in again. Regardless of weather we have a busy weekend planned so I hope you all stay safe and dry......

Hiding from yourself.....

Last night at the "Daily Reflections" meeting we talked about an interesting subject. How when you first come into AA and you get that first taste of sobriety, how you need to protect it. Guard it against anything that may take it away. One man said he drove five miles out of his way every night so he could avoid driving by the bars he once inhabited. He was afraid that there might be some "magnetic pull" the would yank his car over to the building and he would start drinking. Another person said they attended 3 or 4 meetings a day because they were unemployed and they were so scared of having nothing to do. It might lead them back to drinking. I could relate. I avoided TV and my leather chair. You see that was my drinking post. A lovely stressed Italian leather chair, the kind you sink into at the end of a day. I would prop my feet up on the ottoman and proceed to drink myself into numbness, with the only physical movement being to get up to refreshen my drink or use the bathroom. Of course this would also involve mindless channel surfing so I could occupy my mind while I was on the way to oblivion. So when I first sobered up I was terrified of that chair. Heck the room for that matter. I couldn't sit in that chair without a drink so I just avoided it. I started going to bed to read, and catch up on 15 years of sleep. I was always a night owl my whole life and now I was going to bed at 8:30. I even did this on weekends. I just felt that if I sat in that chair I would drink. What I didn't realize is that I didn't trust myself to not drink. I was trying to trust my HP and let go and also trying to control the situation as well. Even on the weekends I went upstairs early. I remember my husband asking out oldest, "what's up with your mom and going to bed so early?" to which our teenager replied, "I think she's afraid of her old drinking chair". How right he was. I was running scared. So scared that I didn't even know if I could trust myself in my own home. Eventually as the months went on I knew that my HP would keep my on the straight and narrow, and the urge to drink was gone, I could start to trust myself. One day when I was cleaning, I looked at that chair. It no longer held any power of me, so I moved it to the other side of the room, and put a different chair in it's place. The spell had been broken, my HP and the program of AA was doing for me what I could not do for myself. Now I get to bed around 11:00. I can mill around the house at all hours and do not need a drink in hand. I guess it wasn't all for nothing, I really did need to get rid of my dark circles. So it's ok to go out of your way, to protect your sobriety at all costs. Sooner or later it will no longer matter, you will know how to function in all circumstances and that it a wonderful gift to have. Out of curiosity has anyone else done/avoided and past behaviors to avoid drinking?.......