In my almost two years belonging to AA I've come to appreciate those "oh so special" moments. You know the ones: when someone reaches a month, when someone walks through some garbage, when someone has even the slightest revelation, these are all reasons to celebrate. And last Saturday was no exception.
It's a story about "L". L was there on my first night through the doors. She came up to me and gave me a hug, and told me to keep coming back. The next day I sat next to L as she gave me a big smile when I walked into the meeting and afterwards we talked and she told me a bit about herself. She was a teacher, she struggled with drugs and alcohol. She had been coming to AA for over a year because her husband said he would divorce her if she didn't and she hadn't managed to string more than three weeks of sobriety together in that years time.
This scared me to death. I thought, "OMG is it this hard?" If she can't get three weeks together in a year what am I going to do. Fortunately for myself, I had reached the bottom. I never wanted to wake up hungover on a Saturday with a pounding headache thinking, "there's got to be something better than this"! I found my sponsor and never looked back.
Unfortunately for L that wasn't the case. I saw her go through numerous sponsors, numerous treatment programs, in and out of the door. Crying, angry, complaining, mad because she couldn't drink like normal people. I saw her trying to hang onto a lifestyle that no longer worked and resisting one that could save her. She looked like hell. This sweet little petite lady, was so full of pain you could physically feel it just by looking at her face. She had a using son, who she was so busy trying to save, that she forgot to save herself. It was hard to watch.
She finally hit bottom. She went to Texas for an extensive treatment. When she returned to the rooms of AA three months later, she was given a dose of "tough love". She was told to "show up, shut up, and work the program". And little by little (sometimes slowly) she did. She surrendered. The rope was finally released from her grip, the program allowed to work.
Last Saturday she celebrated a year! I wanted to give her a standing ovation. Gone is the scared, tired look. She has a bit of peace, she has a smile. She is willing to listen, and to learn. In other words she is willing to go to any length to stay sober. She talked about not knowing who she was, and she's just beginning to find that out. How awesome it will be to watch her become the person she is meant to be.
After the meeting I stopped in one of my favorite book stores. I inquired about one of the owner's spouses who has been in AA longer than me but has really struggled. The last time I saw this person they had just hit a year, they were grossly underweight, and struggling minute to minute. The owner told me to check out where they worked and see for myself. As I was about to leave the shop L walked in. We burst out laughing and threw out arms around each other. How awesome it was to tell her how proud I was to be in this great program together. A moment I would have loved to savor.
I headed over to the place where the other AA member worked and boy was I surprised. A complete transformation had taken place. Healthy weight gain, a big smile, confidence and two years sober! How sweet is that! Sometimes I come home from those meetings walking on air. I just want to bottle up all that joy and use it for later.
But life has a funny way of keeping things real. Sunday I received a call telling me about the passing of someone we knew. This person didn't make it to the other side. They reached out but didn't think they could make it through the pain to get to the other side. Your heart breaks, you know things could have been different. But I've learned it's not for me to know the reason why, to reconcile anything, it's not for me to question. I felt as much sadness the last few days as I did joy. They seem to go hand in hand at times.
Living life on life's terms was not something I embraced. It has now become a part of me. Without sadness we could never experience joy, without joy we wouldn't survive the sadness. Each and every day the sun will still rise and it will still set, what you choose to do with that time will make all the difference.....
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Friday Flash 55
Winter Sigh....
I stood at the upstairs window
head resting against the frame
my bare feet frozen in time,
my heart filled with silence.
Everything is white, frigid, and
still. No peeks of green, or flutter
of iridescent wings. No buzzing, no breeze,
or late afternoon shade. I am paralyzed
by the longing of sweet mother spring......
My January blues. The weather has turned wicked, -25 below wind chills. As I open the blinds in the morning and stare down into my sleeping gardens I long for warmer times. Keep safe, keep sober, and keep warm!!!!!
I stood at the upstairs window
head resting against the frame
my bare feet frozen in time,
my heart filled with silence.
Everything is white, frigid, and
still. No peeks of green, or flutter
of iridescent wings. No buzzing, no breeze,
or late afternoon shade. I am paralyzed
by the longing of sweet mother spring......
My January blues. The weather has turned wicked, -25 below wind chills. As I open the blinds in the morning and stare down into my sleeping gardens I long for warmer times. Keep safe, keep sober, and keep warm!!!!!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Revisiting the "F & P"
Driving with a friend the other night we were talking of someone we knew. I said, "What is it that keeps T from letting go?", to which she replied "Fear and Pain"! Yes the dreaded F and P. We don't really need a drug of choice to keep us from growing, we have our own minds to do that for us.
So because I'm alcoholic, and my mind likes to "hamster wheel" every once in a while I started to think back about my own pain and fears. First of all the fact that I can acknowledge the fact that I was full of both is a milestone. You see I was always the tough one. I wasn't going to be intimidated or put down. I held my own. Held my own what? glass of wine? mixed drink? In reality I didn't hold a damn thing.
Like a house of cards, I built my "illusion" world. I put on the good front, talked the talk, kept up appearances, said the right things, and all it would have taken is for one little breath of air to blow my world apart! Funny how we can fool ourselves into thinking even the most fragile of identities is better than facing our real selves.
So since my world was quickly falling apart I had to do something before the cards collapsed and so that something was AA. Little did I know that I would be confronted with pain, fear, and a million other insecurities that I had picked up along the way! The first was taking a good look in the mirror. That was frightening. Who was that bloated, tired, train wreck? It certainly couldn't be me, I mean I didn't look like that. Upon closer inspection yes, it is me. What the hell happened? How did I age so fast? Why did I look like a deer in the headlights?
Because I was a deer in the headlights! I didn't know who the hell I was and I was terrified of finding out. I was afraid of the past! I never wanted to deal with pain, and I wanted an easier softer way out of this whole mess. But the only easy way was to keep drowning my sorrows in the bottom of the glass every night. So I remembered that "the only fear I had to fear was fear itself"! As I began to look at the past, it was painful, I was scared, but each day got a little better, and before I knew it fear was such a small little misquito that it no longer mattered. Pain like most feelings unless chronic can be short lived as well.
I had let my whole world be dictated by fear, a fear that I had created. The fear of the unknown, and what pain may go with it. It kept me spinning my wheels for years. How wonderful it is to move forward. Do I still have fears? Of course, but I keep it more in line now. It no longer rules me, or wastes valuable energy. And pain is part of life. I don't have to like it, but I can live with it when it happens. This is growth. I began to understand T so much better when I took a stroll down memory lane. I too, was so afraid of the "f & P"! I guess it can happen to all of us, I'm just thankful I found out it wasn't so scary after all!
Fear can make us do crazy things. It can ruin or waste an entire life. But it's also part of life. I was straightening my son's tie and smoothing the lapels of his tuxedo as he was getting ready for his first formal dance the other night. At 17 he is still trying to fit into his own skin. He was nervous, he was fearful. Fear of the unknown. I did the only thing I could do as his mother, smile and say, "go have a great time"! He sighed and headed out the door. Later at the grand march, he had an enormous smile on his face and was proud to be escorting his friend Heather. He had faced the fear, and he was surviving just fine. I couldn't protect him from it anymore than I could protect myself from it.
Face, embrace it, but most of all move on. Lay it down. See it for what it's worth, but never let it keep you from growing and becoming the person you are suppose to be. "F & P" they're just random letters in the alphabet! :)
So because I'm alcoholic, and my mind likes to "hamster wheel" every once in a while I started to think back about my own pain and fears. First of all the fact that I can acknowledge the fact that I was full of both is a milestone. You see I was always the tough one. I wasn't going to be intimidated or put down. I held my own. Held my own what? glass of wine? mixed drink? In reality I didn't hold a damn thing.
Like a house of cards, I built my "illusion" world. I put on the good front, talked the talk, kept up appearances, said the right things, and all it would have taken is for one little breath of air to blow my world apart! Funny how we can fool ourselves into thinking even the most fragile of identities is better than facing our real selves.
So since my world was quickly falling apart I had to do something before the cards collapsed and so that something was AA. Little did I know that I would be confronted with pain, fear, and a million other insecurities that I had picked up along the way! The first was taking a good look in the mirror. That was frightening. Who was that bloated, tired, train wreck? It certainly couldn't be me, I mean I didn't look like that. Upon closer inspection yes, it is me. What the hell happened? How did I age so fast? Why did I look like a deer in the headlights?
Because I was a deer in the headlights! I didn't know who the hell I was and I was terrified of finding out. I was afraid of the past! I never wanted to deal with pain, and I wanted an easier softer way out of this whole mess. But the only easy way was to keep drowning my sorrows in the bottom of the glass every night. So I remembered that "the only fear I had to fear was fear itself"! As I began to look at the past, it was painful, I was scared, but each day got a little better, and before I knew it fear was such a small little misquito that it no longer mattered. Pain like most feelings unless chronic can be short lived as well.
I had let my whole world be dictated by fear, a fear that I had created. The fear of the unknown, and what pain may go with it. It kept me spinning my wheels for years. How wonderful it is to move forward. Do I still have fears? Of course, but I keep it more in line now. It no longer rules me, or wastes valuable energy. And pain is part of life. I don't have to like it, but I can live with it when it happens. This is growth. I began to understand T so much better when I took a stroll down memory lane. I too, was so afraid of the "f & P"! I guess it can happen to all of us, I'm just thankful I found out it wasn't so scary after all!
Fear can make us do crazy things. It can ruin or waste an entire life. But it's also part of life. I was straightening my son's tie and smoothing the lapels of his tuxedo as he was getting ready for his first formal dance the other night. At 17 he is still trying to fit into his own skin. He was nervous, he was fearful. Fear of the unknown. I did the only thing I could do as his mother, smile and say, "go have a great time"! He sighed and headed out the door. Later at the grand march, he had an enormous smile on his face and was proud to be escorting his friend Heather. He had faced the fear, and he was surviving just fine. I couldn't protect him from it anymore than I could protect myself from it.
Face, embrace it, but most of all move on. Lay it down. See it for what it's worth, but never let it keep you from growing and becoming the person you are suppose to be. "F & P" they're just random letters in the alphabet! :)
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
No resolutions......
I've been hearing people talk of their "New Year's resolutions" throughout the office today. I've read some on facebook, and listen to friends tell me theirs, but mine is quite simple: I have no resolutions to make.
Every year I would come up with a grand list of things I wanted to improve. My weight, my pettiness, my job, my marriage, etc. and two to three weeks in I had crashed and burned on almost all of them. This in turn helped erode my self esteem, and made me feel like I couldn't do a whole lot to change anything so why try?!
What makes me laugh is that in all those years of resolutions I never said: "this year I'm going to stop drinking!" I never saw drinking as anything to get rid of. In fact it wasn't until February of 2010 that the concept of AA even dawned on me. But that realization that I needed to quit was a resolution that would change my life forever.
You see I like surface changes. They are easy. Color your hair differently, loose weight, whiten your teeth, smile more. These are fast and effective ways of making one feel they are accomplishing something. I had very little desire to dig deeper and find out the root of why I couldn't keep a resolution. Did I really want to go there? Well whether I did or not, AA took me there.
The first time my sponsor and I met to work in the big book, and to work the steps she said, "I'm going to give you the greatest gift I can, I'm going to teach you to love yourself". Right away I thought, "but I do like myself", I just didn't get the love part. In fact as we moved through the steps I found out I didn't like or love myself in the least. That's why I couldn't keep a resolution, because I never felt I deserved it.
So why should I be able to achieve it?
As the months passed, and I slowly began to figure out who I was, liking myself became natural. Now almost two years in I can say with confidence, "I love myself". I have many faults, many areas that could use signifigant improvement but that's what life is for. For working on areas that need it. I have self esteem, I deserve a good life, I can be of use to others.
So that's why I don't make resolutions anymore. Each day of every year is an opportunity for growth and change. And let's be honest there are plenty of days that I don't feel like changing, or improving, I don't feel like taking an honest look at myself. But then again there are days that I can, and growth comes, and change follows.
My sponsor looked at me the other day and said, "it's awesome watching you become the woman you were meant to be". I smiled and said, "the gift of self love was one of the best I have ever recieved". Sure will power, determination, a goal, a prize are all great motivators but if you don't understand yourself, love yourself, or believe in yourself you will fall short every time.
Are there things I want to do this year? Sure, but I won't place them in a box, or a resolution. I will acknowledge them, I will welcome them, and I will let them happen in the time they are suppose to. I will always need improving in almost every area, but I like the core package, it's strong, it's sweet, it's funny, it's loving, it's serious, it's alcoholic, it's me. And I like "me" now, and I will like me in the future!
New Year's blessings to you all......
Every year I would come up with a grand list of things I wanted to improve. My weight, my pettiness, my job, my marriage, etc. and two to three weeks in I had crashed and burned on almost all of them. This in turn helped erode my self esteem, and made me feel like I couldn't do a whole lot to change anything so why try?!
What makes me laugh is that in all those years of resolutions I never said: "this year I'm going to stop drinking!" I never saw drinking as anything to get rid of. In fact it wasn't until February of 2010 that the concept of AA even dawned on me. But that realization that I needed to quit was a resolution that would change my life forever.
You see I like surface changes. They are easy. Color your hair differently, loose weight, whiten your teeth, smile more. These are fast and effective ways of making one feel they are accomplishing something. I had very little desire to dig deeper and find out the root of why I couldn't keep a resolution. Did I really want to go there? Well whether I did or not, AA took me there.
The first time my sponsor and I met to work in the big book, and to work the steps she said, "I'm going to give you the greatest gift I can, I'm going to teach you to love yourself". Right away I thought, "but I do like myself", I just didn't get the love part. In fact as we moved through the steps I found out I didn't like or love myself in the least. That's why I couldn't keep a resolution, because I never felt I deserved it.
So why should I be able to achieve it?
As the months passed, and I slowly began to figure out who I was, liking myself became natural. Now almost two years in I can say with confidence, "I love myself". I have many faults, many areas that could use signifigant improvement but that's what life is for. For working on areas that need it. I have self esteem, I deserve a good life, I can be of use to others.
So that's why I don't make resolutions anymore. Each day of every year is an opportunity for growth and change. And let's be honest there are plenty of days that I don't feel like changing, or improving, I don't feel like taking an honest look at myself. But then again there are days that I can, and growth comes, and change follows.
My sponsor looked at me the other day and said, "it's awesome watching you become the woman you were meant to be". I smiled and said, "the gift of self love was one of the best I have ever recieved". Sure will power, determination, a goal, a prize are all great motivators but if you don't understand yourself, love yourself, or believe in yourself you will fall short every time.
Are there things I want to do this year? Sure, but I won't place them in a box, or a resolution. I will acknowledge them, I will welcome them, and I will let them happen in the time they are suppose to. I will always need improving in almost every area, but I like the core package, it's strong, it's sweet, it's funny, it's loving, it's serious, it's alcoholic, it's me. And I like "me" now, and I will like me in the future!
New Year's blessings to you all......
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Silent Night.....
Another Christmas come and gone. It was the first Christmas I truly enjoyed since I was a child. Even last year, my first sober Christmas was marked with a kind of uneasiness. Like I was expecting the "other shoe" to drop at any moment. I was also scared that I wouldn't be able to cope with the stress of the season without a little help. This year was definately different.
Perhaps it's because I just let go. Let go of all the preconceived notions of what I thought the holidays were suppose to be like. I used to be so hard on myself. I had to have the perfect decorations, the perfect cards, the gifts everyone wanted, the perfect tree. I no longer feel this way. The picture cards of the kids turned out great, I put up an artificial tree, I wrapped a few presents with my daughter on Christmas Eve, and I released a much needed pressure valve.
What is it about alcoholics and perfection? Do we set our standards so high, that it's impossible to reach them? Because when failure comes we almost wallow in it. It always gave me an excuse to drink. OMG, this holiday stuff is too stressful, where's the Vodka? I just know something is going to go wrong! Or do we just love drama, and if there isn't drama we can surely create it. Or did I just finally grow up and realize that all of the stuff that I thought made up Christmas really didn't. In fact it has very little to do with the holiday. This was made ever so clear to me Christmas Eve night.
The two youngest were fast asleep, my hubby and oldest were watching TV, and I went out to attend the 9;30 pm candle light meeting at the Alano club. Our club is an old church, and when I got there the table was set up in a big square,and soft Christmas lights twinkled. The air had an aroma of chocolate and coffee, and the spirit of fellowship was everywhere. I sat next to my sponsor who was chairing this meeting, and as you spoke, you lit your candle. It was a gratitude meeting, and the gratitude poured fourth.
So many people who had spent a Christmas or two in jail. Others whose families had outed them. One young man had spent last year locked in his apartment with a bottle of booze, and two vials of pills, determined it would be the last holiday he would spend alone. His face glowed with a year of sobriety. He was happy to be in that room. Another member talked about dealing with his aging parents whose alzheimer's was so difficult to accept. How the steps of AA where making it possible for him to survive.
It was during this meeting, as I looked at the happy and grateful people around me that the true meaning of the season became quite clear. It's not the wrappings, the cost, the time. It's giving yourself the best gift you can give. Trust to a higher power, trust in your fellow man, and trust in yourself. This gift of sobriety can't be measured in money, or time, or effort. It's priceless, because it gives you the life you deserve. It gives you serenity.
The peace I felt this year was like no other. The train had stopped roaring down the tracks. I felt quiet, I felt peace. I wanted to ingrain in my brain the glowing faces of all my fellow AA's in that room. Miracles really do happen, and angels really do walk among us. My step felt light as I walked down the snowy sidewalk, and the church bells chimed midnight. Christmas was here, and I had just witnessed the best gift of all! Peace......
Perhaps it's because I just let go. Let go of all the preconceived notions of what I thought the holidays were suppose to be like. I used to be so hard on myself. I had to have the perfect decorations, the perfect cards, the gifts everyone wanted, the perfect tree. I no longer feel this way. The picture cards of the kids turned out great, I put up an artificial tree, I wrapped a few presents with my daughter on Christmas Eve, and I released a much needed pressure valve.
What is it about alcoholics and perfection? Do we set our standards so high, that it's impossible to reach them? Because when failure comes we almost wallow in it. It always gave me an excuse to drink. OMG, this holiday stuff is too stressful, where's the Vodka? I just know something is going to go wrong! Or do we just love drama, and if there isn't drama we can surely create it. Or did I just finally grow up and realize that all of the stuff that I thought made up Christmas really didn't. In fact it has very little to do with the holiday. This was made ever so clear to me Christmas Eve night.
The two youngest were fast asleep, my hubby and oldest were watching TV, and I went out to attend the 9;30 pm candle light meeting at the Alano club. Our club is an old church, and when I got there the table was set up in a big square,and soft Christmas lights twinkled. The air had an aroma of chocolate and coffee, and the spirit of fellowship was everywhere. I sat next to my sponsor who was chairing this meeting, and as you spoke, you lit your candle. It was a gratitude meeting, and the gratitude poured fourth.
So many people who had spent a Christmas or two in jail. Others whose families had outed them. One young man had spent last year locked in his apartment with a bottle of booze, and two vials of pills, determined it would be the last holiday he would spend alone. His face glowed with a year of sobriety. He was happy to be in that room. Another member talked about dealing with his aging parents whose alzheimer's was so difficult to accept. How the steps of AA where making it possible for him to survive.
It was during this meeting, as I looked at the happy and grateful people around me that the true meaning of the season became quite clear. It's not the wrappings, the cost, the time. It's giving yourself the best gift you can give. Trust to a higher power, trust in your fellow man, and trust in yourself. This gift of sobriety can't be measured in money, or time, or effort. It's priceless, because it gives you the life you deserve. It gives you serenity.
The peace I felt this year was like no other. The train had stopped roaring down the tracks. I felt quiet, I felt peace. I wanted to ingrain in my brain the glowing faces of all my fellow AA's in that room. Miracles really do happen, and angels really do walk among us. My step felt light as I walked down the snowy sidewalk, and the church bells chimed midnight. Christmas was here, and I had just witnessed the best gift of all! Peace......
Thursday, December 22, 2011
What defines a person
In my first year of sobriety I took the role of "recovering" alcohol very seriously, as I should. Sometimes I think too seriously. I was letting the role of "recovering alcoholic" define me. Everything I did or said had my recovery in the background. I wonder if this wasn't a big of a defense mechanism for my own fear.
Fear that if I wasn't serious, then neither was my recovery. I was set on being a bit more serious, not so "flighty" as I was in my drinking days. I felt I had something to prove to those around me. That I was an example that should be followed. What a crock of "you know what"! The truth is I wasn't comfortable with my own sobriety. Like the disease I was letting it push me around. I was using it to hide behind. I was using my recovery to "be safe".
I didn't realize any of this until just last weekend. We were invited to an annual Christmas party, and I happen to wander into the family room where a beautiful wood fire was. I sat down next to the warmth when a person walked into the room and said, "oh, is this where the non-drinkers are"? I know they didn't mean anything by it, and this person knows I'm a recovering alcoholic, and yet I was a little taken aback. I should have replied, "no, this is where someone who wants to enjoy a nice fire goes"!
What this statement made me realize is that I don't want to be defined by my alcoholism. I'm me, just a person, not a drinker or nondriker. I have a disease, and I choose to not drink. However there are many other aspects of me: funny, witty, kind, compassionate, observant, intelligent etc. and I don't want to be labeled. I have no problem being a non drinker but it shouldn't define who I am. I sat amongst many drinkers and nondrinkers that night, and joked, and laughed, and had a great time.
And you know what? I didn't need to bring drinking into it to be myself. My alcohlism will always be a part of me. I will always need to be aware of the danger zone, but it doesn't dictate how I live. I choose not to drink. I choose to be sober. I also choose to laugh, and love, and live a full life! Alcoholism is a small part of me, the sober package makes up something so much better! Smiles......
Fear that if I wasn't serious, then neither was my recovery. I was set on being a bit more serious, not so "flighty" as I was in my drinking days. I felt I had something to prove to those around me. That I was an example that should be followed. What a crock of "you know what"! The truth is I wasn't comfortable with my own sobriety. Like the disease I was letting it push me around. I was using it to hide behind. I was using my recovery to "be safe".
I didn't realize any of this until just last weekend. We were invited to an annual Christmas party, and I happen to wander into the family room where a beautiful wood fire was. I sat down next to the warmth when a person walked into the room and said, "oh, is this where the non-drinkers are"? I know they didn't mean anything by it, and this person knows I'm a recovering alcoholic, and yet I was a little taken aback. I should have replied, "no, this is where someone who wants to enjoy a nice fire goes"!
What this statement made me realize is that I don't want to be defined by my alcoholism. I'm me, just a person, not a drinker or nondriker. I have a disease, and I choose to not drink. However there are many other aspects of me: funny, witty, kind, compassionate, observant, intelligent etc. and I don't want to be labeled. I have no problem being a non drinker but it shouldn't define who I am. I sat amongst many drinkers and nondrinkers that night, and joked, and laughed, and had a great time.
And you know what? I didn't need to bring drinking into it to be myself. My alcohlism will always be a part of me. I will always need to be aware of the danger zone, but it doesn't dictate how I live. I choose not to drink. I choose to be sober. I also choose to laugh, and love, and live a full life! Alcoholism is a small part of me, the sober package makes up something so much better! Smiles......
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Put me down for the simple life....
At a recent AA meeting "J" brought up the fact that he was struggling with a decision. To stay where he was or to go back to Chicago from where he came. He's been sober three months, and now it's time for him to return home and he's torn. He knows that there's more job opportunities, friends, and family in Chicago, more stuff happening, but he doesn't want to leave our little town. When asked why, he said, "it's the first time in my life that my brain has been quiet. I feel peaceful from my head to my toes".
According to the AA big book we can go anywhere if we are spiritually sound. J isn't feeling it. He's worried that once he hops aboard the "crazy train" of his former life he will derail within seconds. To me this is a legitimate fear. Those playmates and playgrounds can be hard to leave behind. Or can they?
Many people took this dilemma as an opportunity to share what worked for them. Many told stories of how when they sobered up how their "so called good friends" never called anymore. One man said he's pretty sure those friends are still waiting for him to come out of the bathroom five years later! But what I really think it comes down to is how much you value yourself and your sobriety.
I am aware of how I now protect my sobriety. I often say to people when asked how I do it, "well, no drink tastes as good as sober feels". I truly believe that. I guard my sobriety like a precious treasure. I guess its because of self worth. I never realized that I deserved anything better than the mess I had made of things. I let myself fall into miserable traps over and over again because I thought it was my destiny. Sobering up gave me a choice. A choice to do things differently.
Did I have to change playgrounds. Of course. I can go to alcohol related events or places now that I am confident in my recovery but I didn't at first. It didn't feel right. Did I have to change friends? Not so much. But I don't get together socially as much as I used to because I love being at home with my family. I love my role as wife, mother, daughter, friend, worker, poet, writer, gardener, ect. but at one time those roles overwhelmed me. I couldn't do it all, of course not, AA taught me I am all those things, but one at a time. I set boundaries, I know when to leave, and I will not jeopardize my sobriety. In other words "I will go to any length" to keep sober.
To many people who do not suffer from the disease of alcoholism this "length" seems a bit over emphasized. I mean I've had people say to me, "you probably don't need those meetings anymore". Excuse me? I choose those meetings, because in those rooms people get me. I laugh, I cry, I never have to explain myself. I am 100% accepted and because of that acceptance my sobriety works. I do need those meetings, as I need my sobriety.
So I guess you can put me down for the simple life. I like my Friday nights, watching "GoldRush" in my pj's with my hubby and the kids. Popping popcorn, or making cookies, or singing the "Rainbow Connection" with my daughter at the "Muppets" movie. I spent too long thinking the grass was greener somewhere else. It never is, in fact it's usually brown. I'll keep my simplicity, because it helps me keep my sobriety. What about you?........
According to the AA big book we can go anywhere if we are spiritually sound. J isn't feeling it. He's worried that once he hops aboard the "crazy train" of his former life he will derail within seconds. To me this is a legitimate fear. Those playmates and playgrounds can be hard to leave behind. Or can they?
Many people took this dilemma as an opportunity to share what worked for them. Many told stories of how when they sobered up how their "so called good friends" never called anymore. One man said he's pretty sure those friends are still waiting for him to come out of the bathroom five years later! But what I really think it comes down to is how much you value yourself and your sobriety.
I am aware of how I now protect my sobriety. I often say to people when asked how I do it, "well, no drink tastes as good as sober feels". I truly believe that. I guard my sobriety like a precious treasure. I guess its because of self worth. I never realized that I deserved anything better than the mess I had made of things. I let myself fall into miserable traps over and over again because I thought it was my destiny. Sobering up gave me a choice. A choice to do things differently.
Did I have to change playgrounds. Of course. I can go to alcohol related events or places now that I am confident in my recovery but I didn't at first. It didn't feel right. Did I have to change friends? Not so much. But I don't get together socially as much as I used to because I love being at home with my family. I love my role as wife, mother, daughter, friend, worker, poet, writer, gardener, ect. but at one time those roles overwhelmed me. I couldn't do it all, of course not, AA taught me I am all those things, but one at a time. I set boundaries, I know when to leave, and I will not jeopardize my sobriety. In other words "I will go to any length" to keep sober.
To many people who do not suffer from the disease of alcoholism this "length" seems a bit over emphasized. I mean I've had people say to me, "you probably don't need those meetings anymore". Excuse me? I choose those meetings, because in those rooms people get me. I laugh, I cry, I never have to explain myself. I am 100% accepted and because of that acceptance my sobriety works. I do need those meetings, as I need my sobriety.
So I guess you can put me down for the simple life. I like my Friday nights, watching "GoldRush" in my pj's with my hubby and the kids. Popping popcorn, or making cookies, or singing the "Rainbow Connection" with my daughter at the "Muppets" movie. I spent too long thinking the grass was greener somewhere else. It never is, in fact it's usually brown. I'll keep my simplicity, because it helps me keep my sobriety. What about you?........
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