Friday, August 10, 2012


They keep coming: changes. When you know they are about to happen, or when you least expect them, there they are. My sponsor told me early on "Change is good, and its a good thing we don't know when its going to happen because we would never turn a corner". My life has been a stream of changes lately.

It started at the end of May. I was rubbing my neck when I found a lump. I could tell by the size and shape that it didn't belong there. So either I had a Greek olive lodged in my throat, or something a little more serious was going on. My Dr. thought it was a swollen gland so we waited a month but when it wasn't going down we did a mirror image CT scan. It showed a large tumor on the perotid gland. Two biopsies later, it is benign but going to be surgically removed on Monday before it gets too big, and also as a preventative measure in case it became cancerous. The unsettling part of this is that the facial nerve that controls the lips, and eyes runs right along that gland. The Dr.'s expect some temporary facial paralysis, but depending on how deep the tumor is there is a risk of permanent damage to the nerve, thus permanent paralysis on the left side of my face.

As you can imagine this was an unexpected change in my daily course of life. And for the first time I can say it with all honesty, "I'm scared". The surgery will take 2 to 3 hours, an overnight stay, a week off of everything, and weeks to heal. Not to mention a scar that will run from my ear down under the jaw and into the neck. Good thing I'm way pass the "vanity stage" in life. Before I would have loved the attention that this was going to bring. How people might fuss over me, poor selfish little me. Now I look the dangers, how humbling this is going to be because I will have to rely on other people for help. You know us alcoholics: we LOVE control. And this is way out of my control.

So with a deep breath I have to let go. Let the Dr.'s do what they are trained to do. Let my hubby step up to the plate in my place. In other words let life do what its suppose to do. Sigh, that is still so hard for me. Sometimes I physically have to close my eyes, and open and release my hands so I can tell myself,"Let Go"! I am a work in progress when it comes to this.

Other changes are happening too. My best friend took our oldest son's senior pictures a few weeks ago. We had a wonderful day of shooting in the historical district of a city, all urban and edgy, but I kept getting a lump in my throat as I watched them. Where has my little boy gone? She sent the proofs last night. What was funny is that he looked so old while she was shooting the pics and last night as we were looking at the actual pictures, I could see the little boy in his eyes that he once was. So we are getting ready to apply for the college he wants to attend, scholarships, and the last year of classes at his high school. Changes...

Our middle child is entering sixth grade. Taller, voice lower, into new things. My daughter has shot up in height, and is about two inches shorter than me. How fast things change. And its hard to keep things in perspective. It's hard not to feel that time is going by too quickly. So I go to a meeting where people tell me "one day at a time"! That change is necessary for growth. To "live and let live". And as usual this programs keeps teaching me. And by the grace of God I remain teachable.

So even the weather has changed. Crisp and cool thanks to a cold front, even mother nature reminds us that change is coming in the seasons. So please take care for me. Remain teachable, embrace change (even if there are days I could use less change) and I will pop back in to look at all the blogs as soon as I can. love and peace....


  1. I hear you on the changes. Our last two are seniors this year...really? I will be married 30 years in April...not possible. I still look in the mirror and see the little girl in my eyes so how can I have young adults in my home that came from me? Impossible.

    I will also say a prayer that your beautiful smile remains unchanged after your surgery and also a message of gratitude that it was benign. And even if the absolute worst happens and part of your face is paralyze - your eyes will still smile and the love will shine through.

    Namaste...(the light in me bows to the light within you.)

  2. smiles...change happens...i will def be praying for you tomorrow...know that and that i will pray for the surgeon...they know what they are doing...def looking forward to season change myself....smiles....

  3. A greek olive, ha.

    The allowing life to unfold as it will thing DOES come with age. I remember looking toward women my age thinking, "is she breathing, is there a pulse?" The peace and serenity would just permeate the air in our small group of women who would get together for various church planning back when my kids were young.

    I guess I'm that ol lady now , , BIG SIGH , but absolutely a continuous work in progress. I just know I can hand things over today a lot easier than even five years ago - takrs practice.

    I loved your memory of how at one time you would have immersed yourself in the attention with such a procedure. Not today, though, see, GROWTH!! No, today our egos are set straight and we totally get that this world out there does not revolve around us, me, you, the addict. but, rather, we get joy and peace out of thinking of others, so, with that, I will remind you to accept the help that comes your way. Remember, it makes us feel good to be helping. Allow it for the giver!!!

    Please, if you wish, let us know the surgery date. I'm a prayer warrior as I'll bet many of your readers are, so we'll have you lifted up that day,
    Sorry this is getting long, but I must comment on the sr. pictures thing.

    I have three kids in college. The fourth is just starting her junior year and her calendar, I was looking at this today,, with VB, her job, a career intramural thing we have at our school, and the yearbook group,, she has NO time for mom. omg, I did not even mention the endless stream of friends. So, I plan on creating a few get-aways that are pre-planned so we're sure to have some time. Its gonna fly by so quickly, and then when her brother comes home to take her sr. pictures, I'll be pretty much over the edge. A beautiful season will come to an end...

    1. Thank you for all your thoughts! Monday the 13th. is surgery day, I hope that doesn't bring me bad luck!!!!!

  4. It's nice to have you back. I'm sorry to hear about your health scare though. I will be sending lots of lovely thoughts from Down Under (New Zealand). You'll be fine, try to stay nice and calm and breath through these big changes. I love your other post where you talked about the lack of black circles under your eyes and hands nice and steady (not like your sponsee).. it's so important I think that we remind ourselves how bloody amazing we are to have chosen a life which, while often raw and emotional, is really so much more healthy and whole than that boozy one we had before. Take care my friend ...xxxx (also, love the background on your blog now!)

  5. You are on my prayer list lady!

    The photo session sounds like a wonderful experience. I love those captured moments both candid and professional where the photographer almost captures...a bit of the spirit in the photo. No wonder some native tribes have been afraid of those things.

  6. Changes are wonderful, exciting, expected, scary, and sometimes, sad. I'm happy to hear the lump was benign. I too, have a kiddo going into Middle School (6th grade here). She's still SO little girl tho! Keep rolling with the changes! Sounds like you're doing fantastic!

  7. Thanks for your words. I really love reading your perspective. And I'm so glad your tumor was benign, although the path ahead doesn't sound easy either. I'm new to all this praying business, but I just said one for you to give you strength through this all.