Haven't blogged in a while. I was too busy living life. Wait life was too busy living me. I lost track, I derailed, I crashed head on. No, I did not drink but I went back to an old habit that could easily lead me down that path before to long. I started to create a problem that didn't exist.
It's funny how obvious certain traits become when you're moving through the twelve steps. And for the most part I can recognize these unflattering traits and deal with them quickly. However this time I let something grip me that I haven't let in in a long time. FEAR! I'm not sure how it even started or why it started but I know what the trigger was.
My husband went back to working afternoon and evenings. This worked well while the kids were little as we didn't have to pay for daycare, but its also a trigger for drinking for me. I take on too much, I get overwhelmed and when I reach that point I tend to bale. On life that is. I run and hide and avoid. I let panic seize me and render me helpless. So when this happened instead of telling myself I was a much different person than I was two years ago, I listened to all those doubting voices in my head.
I started to create issues that weren't there. I stopped taking care of me, I set my program down and stated getting wrapped up in the garbage of the day. And what happened? I started creating distractions so I didn't have to deal with life. I was promoted at work. I started working in an area I'm not particularly comfortable in. Most of the time I embrace change but this time I told myself I wasn't capable of handling this new area. Of course I am, I just didn't want to embrace change.
I've spent the last two years embracing change. I'm tired, when will life just hit a quiet stride where I don't have to think about so much? You see I couldn't even realize I was on the "pity pot". I was running scared. Granted I had a very busy week with something going on each night so by Friday I was burnt out. I haven't slept good in weeks, I was agitated and crawling out of my own skin. I was also avoiding the obvious. So it's a good thing my HP stepped in.
I met with a new girl after yesterday's AA meeting. She asked me to be her sponsor. This is my first sponsee. Of course I said yes, but my brain was saying, "Do you really think you can take this on? Are you ready for the challenge? How's your own sobriety doing? So I consulted with my friend D. He's
been a big part of my recovery. When I need a big dose of reality I talk to him. And as usual I got served the deluxe platter of "get your head out of your butt girl"! He listened to me dump my past few weeks and then asked me this all important question: What's the problem? And believe it or not I was speechless. I couldn't name the problem.
Well of course not, I had fabricated issues. I was so scared of a certain aspect of my life, that I tried to create a problem in that area, just to get it over with. An old habit I thought was gone for good. Then D went on to ask: "have you been taking care of yourself? taking your personal inventory? Going to meetings, talking to your sponsor?" All of which I had to say "no" to. Then D looked at me and said, "It's a good thing your HP sent your a sponsee, I think you need it more than her right now!" Yes, its great when your friends in the program can call you on your own crap! So we talked about everything and before you know it the tightness in my chest disappeared. I suddenly felt light and tired at the same time. Realigned, and deflated all at once.
Fear is such a useless trait. It has a purpose but I wasn't using it properly. I was letting it cloud my judgement, my train of thought, my motivations. It was running my life, and I was cowering in a corner scared and unsure. Three weeks, that's all it took. What an eye opener of what not to do. So I left D feeling much calmer. With direction of where I needed to head.
We finished the day by having dinner with friends. And I finally had a good night's sleep. AA has taught me to deal with things as they happen. But I was busy trying to create "happenings". I took my inventory yesterday and realized there are some very important areas that I need to keep in line. God, my program and me. I was just taught a very important lesson. No matter how good your program is, you can always do better. Progress not perfection......