It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas......

And I don't mean the fresh snow that fell this weekend, or the Salvation Army bell ringers, or the shoppers, the decorations, or the caroles. I mean the meeting rooms of AA. Where an average Saturday meeting is around 50, attendance is up by about another 30 people. Right before Thanksgiving I noticed the change, and its been steadily climbing for the last few weeks. I feel an anxiousness, a desperation, a totally scared out of one's mind kinda vibe.

This got me pondering. What is it about this year that can send people crawling out of their own skin. Is it the commercialism of Christmas? It's in the stores the day after if not before Halloween. The constant reminders of we have so many days before Christmas. The adds, the flyers, "Black Friday", "Cyber Monday"! Adds on TV showing people receiving flat screens, smart pads, smart phones, and for goodness sake let's not forget the a brand new Lexus with a big red bow in the driveway. Perhaps we set our expectations of what we think happiness is just a bit to high....

Or is it the landscape. Brown, barren, stark. A reminder that summer's kiss is long behind us, that (in my part of the country) the long winter lies ahead. All the flowers and leaves are gone, the grass is crispy white. The swings hang quietly in the fast darkening afternoons. The bare bones trees sway empty armed in the wind. Too often the sun doesn't make an appearance for days. This can have an effect on everyone.

Or is it that the year is in it's last month. All the things we set out to do last January and just a few accomplished! The diet, the marathon, the relationship, the finances, the on, and on, and on..... once again reminding us of what miserable failures we are. A whole year wasted and a new one fast approaching.

I see the desperation in people's eyes at meetings. They need something tangible to hang on to to get them through the holiday season. A guide, an instruction booklet, a way out, a glimmer of hope. Who has the answer? Where can I find it? How can I share it with those in need.

I was blessed with a lovely case of shingles over the Thanksgiving holiday. And there's nothing like nerve pain, a rash, and itching to give you a little perspective on what this craziness is all about. I've had a nutty year. Had to deal with some things that scared me to death, but I managed to wade through them. I think I started about 15 diets and failed everyone of them. Wanted to accomplish a million things and probably did 4 or 5. But as I layed in the quiet afternoon light on my bed while my daughter read to me, I stared out the window watching the big snowflakes fall and I realized, "it doesn't get any better than this!"

I find I create so many of my own demons. Including those that rear their ugly heads this time of year. I buy into all the hoopla and wind myself up, and start looking for the instruction booklet of how to survive, when it's right in front of me. I just need to step out, slow down, and actually enjoy whats in the here and now. I find myself humming Christmas songs at work, enjoying the lights on the trees as I drive home. Was excited about the first snow fall, and am looking forward to seeing family and friends.

Only we can make ourselves feel anything. Only ourselves can buy into it all. I have to keep myself in check. I don't do well with stress (obviously or I wouldn't have shingles) so I'm taking a lesson from Linus this year, and hopefully I will get to know what Christmas is all about too.......

Chic's rock!!!

Girl's rule and boys......are cool?! I can't slam on the boys as I am partial to them! But girls really rule when it comes to supporting one another. At Saturday's meeting J a woman who has been struggling all week asked if some women would mind having a first step meeting with her in one of the smaller rooms. So about elleven of us broke off and had a small women's group meeting.

I haven't been to a womens group meeting in over a year. We let J tell us what was on her mind, and then we went around and talked about what worked for us. The message that came out over and over again was that you had to do the work. You alone, we can love and support you but you must walk your own walk. It was so empowering to listen to the personal stories of some of the women I have been privledged to come to know over the last two years. I found myself taking away so much from their experiences, strength, and hope.

It never dawned on me that facing a large room of people could be so terrifing to people. I guess my mentallity is to jump right in, but that doesn't work for everybody. One thing I did realize was that I had learned to listen. Even when J was justifying things her partner was doing, justifying her own behavior, making excuses ect., I just kept my mouth shut and listened. After all who am I to tell her, what I myself didn't know not so long ago. You have to find out on your own. I'm still growing by leaps and bounds, I still have set backs, I still make mega screw ups, but I know to get right back up and into the game. That was something I never did before.

It was easier to throw my hands in the air and say "I give up". I didn't feel like doing the work, so I didn't and like J my life was in a constant state of chaos. But what I didn't relize was that this chaos wasn't normal. I had accepted it as the way my life was. Now I think back and say to myself, really?, You really thought that was normal. Not that there is a definition of normal but when you don't question things that should obviously not be happening, you are headed for trouble.

So now I have the luxury of sitting, and listening, and reflecting. I have the joy of thinking before I speak, of sharing what works for me, not giving advice, or preaching to someone but sharing. J is fragile, scared, confused, fighting surrender with every fiber of her body, and for once I didn't have the urge to jump up and fix her. Because I can't, because I finally know my limitations. There's only one person I can save, and that's myself. I chose to start that journey almost two years ago, and I'm thankful the road keeps stretching before me :)

The promises do come true.....

Driving home from an away soccer game with six kids and myself in the van, I was able to do some reflecting despite the volume, and the giggling. It was a beautiful autumn evening. The colors on the trees were spectacular, and the sun was dropping low in the sky. Since we were driving through farm country fog was settling on the fields, making the deer that were grazing barely visible. What an awesome time to be alive! I kept thinking that over and over and thanking God. Two years earlier I would not have been feeling this way. I would have been planning how or what I was going to drink to unwind later in the evening.

Pretty pathetic I know. But I no longer beat myself up over it. What's done is done and I need to stay in the present, not dwell in the past. We stopped for a McDonald's dinner with the rest of the team, and then headed home. One of the boy's mothers came later to pick him up and we were laughing at the busy, animal (dog sitting plus we have a new four month old kitten) filled house she walked into. After saying our good-byes I began to pack lunches. So grateful once again for the simplicity of small acts. How I love my busy, jam packed life, and how sobriety lets me enjoy all the moments, good or bad.

My husband and I recently dealt with some things, that last year, I just wasn't ready to confront. I didn't quite have all the tools to do it well. This 'something' has been a source of contention for almost our entire marriage. It was always like a black cloud hovering on the horizon. I decided it was time to walk through the storm and lay it down. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty, but resolving or working through touchy things rarely are. We persevered, and I was amazed that we were able to get through the worst of it with little repercussions. The rest will heal in time. One baby step each day.

None of this would be possible without the program of AA in my life. I no longer have to run. I can turn, and face my demons and know that no matter what I will be just fine. What a way to fill an empty hole that was huge for so long. I feel so lucky that I have come this far in such a short time.

At last Saturday's meeting I heard a small voice introduce herself and say "and I'm an alcoholic", fresh from rehab. I sought out her face, and there she was in the corner. Trying to make herself invisible, misery written on her face, desperately seeking answers. It was a great meeting and I hope she keeps coming back. I remember all to well being where she is. You just want the pain to go away. But you need to work for it. That's the part so many people don't want to do. Myself included. There are days that I would like to run away. When my husband and I were in the middle of this mess I said to my son, "I just don't want to deal with this today", to which he replied, "that's not an option". How true!

So you trudge along. Sometimes gracefully, sometimes a big mess. But each day that the sun rises and sets things get a little better. You start to appreciate everything you took for granted. Even packing school lunches. I am grateful for a fresh new face at an AA meeting. It reminds me that I need to stay focused, that I need to work my program each and every day, because the Promises really do come true, it you work for them......

A funny kind of "reveal"

Being the soccer mom that I am (I drive five kids to practice every day) TI know how nerve wracking it can be when you have to drive to an away game. So I begged and pleaded for my good friend S. to go with me as she's very relaxed around kids, and could keep me grounded and focused. As we headed home in the dark we started to talk about AA, and Al-Anon. She has some experience in Al-Anon as a close family member of hers is alcoholic.

She talked about how she really enjoyed Al-Anon because she felt like she could tell anything in those rooms and those people wouldn't judge her. She felt safe. For so many of us this is true for the very first time.

I went on to talk about my first night in. I was running late so when I got to the club the doors of the meeting room where shut. I tried to quietly push the door open but of course it squeaked and then I saw the face of an older gentleman who smiled and said, "Come in, you're in the right place". How true that was!

It's funny but I never realized how amazing that first step through the doors is! I trusted no one least of all myself. I wasn't sure I was capable of making a sound decision, and yet here I was ready to pour my garbage out to a room full of strangers. Talk about learning to trust and trust fast. I could barely spit the word alcoholic out in private, and here I was saying out loud to 50 people, "hello, my name is Liz and I'm an alcoholic".

When I think back on those days they are so fragile. Like a castle made out of air. I learned to trust those people with my darkest secrets. I poured forth streams of junk to my sponsor, I laughed, I cried, I broke, and then piece by piece I began to put together the puzzle that would become me. Finally I learned to trust myself. That trust has carried me far.

So when people talk about a "leap of faith" i can relate. I asked God for the answer, he showed me the way. I trusted a room full of strangers, I trusted a program I knew nothing about, and I gave myself over to the will of God. A lot of people ask me what's the secret to success in AA. I smile because it was just revealed to me a few days ago, on the way home with a car full of loud fourth and fifth graders. Trust! Trusting with something you cannot see every step of the way. Funny how the most profound reveals happen in the strangest of places.....:)

Bye Bye Pink Cloud

A few weeks ago I was sitting with a friend of mine who has a family member that recently did a 30 day rehab program. This program was 30 miles from our city and the individual was doing well. They had taken to the program like a fish to water, cleared up some of their finances, secured a better vehicle and had returned to work. In other words they were having a "pink cloud experience".

I remeber that experience. When for the first time in a long time you feel strong. You feel like everything is coming together. You want to go from point A to point Z and skip everything in between. You love this new euphoria. But wait there's something nagging me in the back of my mind. Oh yeah, my sponsor had told me about this pink cloud. I believe her exact words were, "this too shall pass". And boy was she right. My pink cloud opened right up and dropped me on my butt!

So it wasn't a surpise when my friend told me this morning that this individual has stopped going to meetings. Gets angry when she asks him how is program is going, and has even met some friends out at a local bar. She has no proof that he has been drinking but he avoids her if she asks. She is worried and scared and feels helpless.

It's amazing how little we think of others. We get a scrap of sobriety and suddenly we throw out everything we know and start to feel empowered. We can handle this all on our own. Except there's one tiny problem with this. We can't. We need to do what we've avoided all along, and that is work. Work through all the muck and mire that causes us to drink. If it was easy to stop drinking there wouldn't be a need for AA. But it's not. It sucks to take that journey one step at a time. I mean after all we are control freaks and we want so badly to control this disease.

So what to tell my friend. I know she was looking at me expecting some guidelines, some solutions. I don't have any. I just could share with her what worked for me. Staying in today, not looking back, and not looking forward. Support from AA, meetings, fellowship, and my sponsor. Working hard. Excepting the highs, sucking it up through the lows. One single step at a time. One 24 hours at a time. Shutting my mouth and opening my ears. And oh yea, surrender and willingness to change.

This I'm sure seemed like a tall order. I also had to remind her that its his journey and sometimes it takes a while to get the program. It doesn't always stick right away. Everyone does it at his or her own pace. She sighed. And I wish I did have the magic answer, but I don't.

However I do know that if you stick with it, life does get better. Does it get perfect? There is no such thing. You learn to live your life and to appreciate everything about it. This means the highs with the lows. You change, your relationships change, your beliefs change. But a whole awesome world awaits you if you are willing to do the work. And I still am learning, and changing. 19 months of sobriety and there are days I have learned nothing, I swear! The other day hubby and I got into an argument and instead of using the tools I have figured out, I fell right back into my old ways and things turned yuky! I was so mad at myself for letting those habits creep back in. But at least I recognized them, made a note to self not to repeat it, forgave myself and apologized to my husband.

We are a work in progress. But now I have a plan. I have a few resources to call upon when I get frustrated. I can take the good with the bad. I am realistic when I see a "pink cloud". I know that it will pass. I don't know if my friend's family member will make it or not. He may use again, he may start over, he might be just fine. I do hope that no matter what happens the fundamentals of AA stick with him. Because the promises do come true, and one thing I know for certain is "they will always materialize if we work for them" - AA 12 Step Promises......

A new kind of "normal"

Erma Bombeck said it best, "Normal is just a setting on a clothes dryer".

How true she is! What defines normal? I hear people describe their lives as "simple and normal." Or I've heard the expression, "she/he had anything but a normal
childhood. So this got me to pondering what is normal?

The normal in our household is that mom and dad both work. Mom during the day, dad during the afternoon and evening. Dad takes to school, mom picks up. Oldest brother babysits during the gaps and grandpa and grandma do in a pinch as well.

Mom goes to AA meetings, and its seen as a "normal" activity. I overheard my daughter telling one of her friends last week, "my mom goes to meetings at the club so she doesn't drink". She said it so matter of factly that it stopped me in my tracks. It's not a big deal to her, just something I do. Hmmmmmm

When I was a child people spoke about alcoholics in low voices. Like it was the worst thing in the world. My kids talk about it as an everyday fact of life. I guess it's just part of our "normal".

Then I realized that normal is whatever world you and yours live in. After reading "Running with Scissors" by Augusten Burroughs I was rather shocked that after a while this young man adapted his chaotic surroundings as "normal". I'm currently reading Alexandra Fuller's "Let's not go to the Dog's Tonight" her autobiography of growing up in Africa, loosing three siblings, a drunken half crazed mother, and standing for a first day of school picture holding an uzi. This was her "normal".

For you see, there isn't any one type of normal. I used to think there was and I spent years chasing a definition that wasn't even defined. It's the human spirit, its what you are used to. It's what your mind lets you cope with that becomes your kind of normal. And like two people no kind of normal is alike. Each one is uniquely different to you and yours.

Yesterday maked the beginning of the school year for our two youngest. Fourth and fifth grade. Much excitment the night before. Anticipation of seeing their friends again and having to adapt to new teachers. As I picked them up from school with two of their friends and dropped them off at soccer practice I realized that our normals are dictated by the here and now of our lives. It's not usual for me to have a meeting at school or the club in the evening, to have to stop at the grocery store, and to begin making a cheesecake at 9:00 at night.

Which is what happened last night. My oldest celebrates his 17th. birthday today, and he asked for a Red Velvet cheesecake and lazagna for his birthday supper. I had a meeting at school, and headed to the store afterwards and cooked until after 11:00 last night. My normal.

As I was making the cake I reflected back on when Alex was little. His dad has worked a second shift since he was two. Our "normal" consisted of just Alex and myself. We briefly lived in the historic district of our downtown before we purchased the house we now live in. We moved in right around this time and Alex had just turned three. I had just returned to college and we had so many good times. Due to the location of the place we were able to walk everywhere and we had our favorite paths. We would walk through the historical grounds, then to the angel blowing fountain and on up to the Mint cafe for cheeseburgers. When we came home, he would have a bath and then play by with toys while a fire crackled in the fireplace and I did homework. A sweet time of normal.

Now he's starting his junior year of high school. Looking at colleges, planning where he may want to live. His brother and sister have friends in and out all the time, and our lives are adapting to another "normal".

It's really quite easy when you think about it. Normal is just a setting on a clothes dryer. Life's normal is how you adapt to your ever changing seasons of life......

I want to go back to......

The last few weeks have been stressful. A lot going on in the personal life department and I no longer have my old friend alcohol to escape to so what does a girl do? I want to go back.....

to my grandparents house when I was a girl. I want to sit at the table and eat fresh garden grown leaf lettuce smothered in onions, garlic and vinegar dressing. My grandma always put it in a big blue pyrex bowl and let us eat it with our fingers.

I want to play with the neighbor kids, until dusk turns into dark, and my mother calls for us to come home, and millions of bugs buzz around the street lights.

I want to stand out in the driveway and gaze at the stars with my middle brother's plastic telescope.

I want to be sixteen with a million feelings all bursting forth while smiling at a very cute boy.

I would love to walk into the store like I did when I was 18 and grab the smallest size they had and it would fit great without ever trying it on!

I want to sit on a phone (a real phone not a cell phone) and talk to my bff's for hours.

I want to laugh so hard soda spits out my nose.

I want to run through the fresh white sheets on the clothesline at my grandma's house and run under the shade of their enormous willow tree.

I want to go to bed at night in the room that was my mother's when she was growing up and smell the fresh bouquet of pink peonies my grandpa placed beside my bed.

I want to escape it all. Just for today, or a few hours, or even for a few moments. However this is reality. My program has taught me to stay in today and to walk through the hard times. So say a small prayer if you can. The next few months are going to be a very bumpy ride for us. So please indulge me once in a while as I take a quick escape to things in my past that I treasure dearly. They can make difficult times seem not so bad. And I know "this too shall pass"......:)