Gray day......

Gray day. Everything is gray, I watch but nothing moves today.....line from a book about colors by Dr.Seuss. He was brilliant, and all my children when they were little loved this book, and I still do. It is a gray damp February day. The snow has softened since it's dumping, and icicles hold little threat. This type of weather puts a chill in my bones that I can't shake. Not to mention that I've been relapsing with this sinus infection/cold. My Dr. had to extend the antibiotics I'm on since I have fluid in my ears, and then she had the audacity to tell me I needed more "rest". Ahhhhh rest, that is a quest I've been after for a while. Lately I haven't been getting much. Our furniture is still piled in the center of our room. I have no energy to pull the room together and instead of letting it drive me crazy I'm not going to worry about it until the weekend. I'll put on some Miles Davis and have at it. I think better when I'm alone with my "jazz". What is it about that music that settles the nerves, let's my mind ramble on no certain course, and makes my heart feel light. Probably since I was raised in such a traditional caucasion household. I liked jazz the first time I heard it. It was so unlike anything I had ever experienced. It had a beat, a rythmn all it's own. Like buzzying bees without a course. I am probably the only one in my family that loves it, but then again I have a huge Frank Sinatra collection, I love the trumpet, and then the blues. I listen to whatever Alex puts in front of me, and there are many talented artists out there today, but I like to stick with those I know. Sometimes I want to sing along to John Mayer's "Georgia" or croon with Frank's "One for my baby"....but music has always been one area in my life that I have always been true to. Sure I listened to the music that was "in" when I was in high school but I was never afraid to listen to whatever else I wanted too. I love me a good Ike and Tina "Proud Mary" and yet I can listen to George Winston's Summer CD and drift a million miles away. The other day it was delightful. I was the only one at home, painting away and listening to Chris Botti's "When I fall in Love". The music was loud and a freight train could have come through the house and I never would have noticed. I was at peace. One of the greatest gifts that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous has given me is that I appreciate the little things. A few stolen minutes alone with music, gray day or sunny, is a perfect way to pass the time.....

Buried.....

Mother nature opened up her doors and dumped a foot of snow on us! We are buried, the wind is whipping, and it's still snowing. Guess we just had a tease of spring and now it's back to reality. My hubby and I are redecorating our bedroom. A few years ago we tore out all the walls and made the top floor of our cape cod our entire bedroom. It's an awesome space, and for some reason I felt the need to recreate it. Now normally I would get an eye roll, or "not again" from the man but he must have sensed my urgency and wanting a whole new look. There was no objection. So I picked out the paint, the bedding, the accesories and we got to work this past Saturday. All the painting is done, and we both love the color. However due to our busy schedules I won't be able to pull everything together until this coming weekend. I guess the room, and the objects were things of my past. Pieces that I never wanted to part with, had suddenly become not important. I told my hubby I wanted to get rid of certain things and he agreed. Let's "do it"! This is shocking because he likes to argue over certain things. We gave some things away to people we knew would appreaciate them, and we stored others in the attic. AA has taught me the beauty of posessions just being that: material wants. I had no qualms looking through our stuff and letting go. A part of me realizes that I've had these things through all my drinking. I've outgrown them, they no longer represent the person I'm becoming. And since we are working on our marriage, why not start with a clean slate. Our bedroom should be our sanctuary, a place to talk, share, and spend quality time together. I think we are well on our way. We also had the treat of seeing Gaelic Storm in concert last night. It was sold out, but due to the terrible weather many did not make it, so when the show began we were able to get even better seats than what we purchased. My husband loves this band, and has seen them before at Irishfest. They were excellent. Our toes were tapping, our hands were clapping, and we were busy singing along. I had to note that most of the songs contained refrences to alcohol, lots of Guiness, and whiskey, but it didn't bother me. I know many recovering alcoholics would have been bothered by it, but I try to own my own disease. To not judge others if they are having a good time and alcohol is included. I'm the one with the problem, I don't know how to have just one. In order for me to exist in the present I need to be clean and sober. Just opening that door to escape for just a second could have me gone in an instant. During intermission we met up with some friends. They were having drinks, and my husband had a scotch and I had a diet coke. It was refreshing, and revamped my energy so I could whoop it up during the second half of the show. The drive home was messy, and visibility was almost zero. Hubby went to bed as he had an early day ahead, and my oldest and I watched a TV show together. As I snuggled down on the couch (fresh paint fumes give me terrible headaches) I was able to drift off into a peaceful sleep. Content with the fact that I am sober, that I can dream, and laugh, and have a great time alcohol free. To me that is a priceless posession worth keeping.....

Flash 55 Friday

Climate Change

The fog rolled in
trailing the mist behind
like a wedding dress trane
creeping slowly up the aisle
My eyes scan the horizon for
a visible landmark yet all remain
hidden in a veil of haze
The smell of spring invades
the air like a lover's
teasing caress left
cold by a sudden winter chill......

It's been a busy week, the temps have been above normal, and the snow has been melting fast. Today was gray and very foggy, almost zero visibility, but now a cold air mass has moved in blowing the clouds and fog away. Snow is predicted for Saturday, so as much as we want spring, mother nature quietly reminds us we still have a few months to go. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.....

A strange but dysfunctional family are we.....

I'm finally upright. Off the couch and bed, going back to work tomorrow , am still on two antibiotics, but slowly getting back on my feet. About a week ago I was at an AA meeting when one of my favorite peeps mentioned that he was so glad we were all together. We are his family. He said I was the sister he never had, and so and so was a brother, and so and so was like a dad to him in so many ways and it got me to really thinking about the fellowship of AA. We are like a happy dysfunctional family. We understand each other, we lift one another up, we share so we know we aren't alone and we don't judge one another. When I sit in those rooms I'm not Liz the mom, Liz the wife, Liz the co-worker, Liz the daughter, Liz the friend, I'm Liz the alcoholic. It doesn't matter how good or bad the day has been I can always show up and be welcomed by my fellow brothers and sister in AA. I love my fellow AA's. We may be dysfunctional but we are also survivor's. The young seventeen year old was back at my Thursday night meeting. We were all so glad to see him, and when it came his turn to talk he shared part of his story. It turns out that like many of us he tried to quit drinking and drugs numerous times on his own. He's been in and out of rehab many times and likes the courage he gets from being drunk or high. Like so many of us he's not comfortable in his skin. He asked to go to AA over a year ago and his parents said, "No way, you'll just sit in meetings with old people talking about drinking". Well excuse me I maybe 42 but I don't consider myself "old" and my fellow AA's and I don't just sit around talking about drinking. We work the steps, we rebuild our lives one piece at a time, and as a family we are there to keep each other in check. Before Christmas my sponsor and I were meeting when a fellow AA peep walked in and really needed to talk. He sat down and poured out his heart, that he was on the way to the store to buy a bottle of vodka and for some reason he swung by the club. We sat and talked to him for over two hours and the urge left him, and he slowly felt better. That's what we do in AA. We are there for each other, we understand each other. The 17 year old went on to say that after another year of never getting better his parent's finally said he could try an AA meeting. He said he's been coming for over two weeks and he feels so much better. He doesn't feel like using when he's bored. And if he gets squirrelly he gets himself to a meeting. He has a long future ahead of him and I hope the program works for him. For now we're just content on opening up our arms and letting him join our dysfunctional but happy family......

Sick

No 55 today :( have terrible sinus infection, cough, and body aches. Am leaving work to go home and crawl in bed. Hope you are all healthy, happy, and warm. A blessed weekend.........

Not the "ego" again!!!!

You know how annoying and irritating a fly can be? Well so can an ego! It's always popping up when you least need it. After spending a year in AA and working through the twelve steps I thought I had my little "ego" problem under control. So now I start working on my marriage and guess what the first chapter in my book is about? Taking your ego and setting it aside! I did that this past year, or wait did I just do it in some areas of my life? Ahhhh yes, that would be the right answer. I never set it aside with my partner. In fact I probably held onto it even stronger in our relationship because I was getting rid of it in so many other ares. Great, now what do I do? well I found a paragraph in my book that shed a little light on this subject:

"A good beginning is to put yourself into your partner's skin and feel what the relationship is like from that perspective. It's easy to act as if you are sure your view of things is right; the challenge is to give merit and value to the way your partner sees things. This requires seeing with his or her eyes, hearing with his or her ears, feeling what he or she feels in the very same moments and situations that you personally find challenging." from the book "Are you Roommates or Soul Mates? by Drs. Evelyn and Paul Moschetta.

Wow I never thought of doing that before. I mean when I say things, or do things, I automatically expect my husband to interpret those words and actions the way I'm thinking they are coming across. Of course I figure by now he should be able to read my mind. And let's not forget if he says something in a certain way and I take it differently than how he means it. I'm the first one to point out his flaws, his pettiness. What it boils down to is something that I learned about a year ago. It's not about me, it's not about my ego. Somewhere over the last 17 years we each drew a line in the sand and neither of us wants to cross over. It's so much easy to be territorial than it is to be kind. It takes work to see things from someone else's point of view. And how irritating to have that pesty ego back buzzing in my ear. However I know the truth in that paragraph. I need to take a look at things from my husband's point of view or I will continue to only see things from my perspective. Learning to be a "we" instead of a "me" is going to take some practice. So on that note I'm headed up to bed, to get a few extra ZZZZ's as I obviously have a lot of work to do : )

Roommate or Soul mate?

I've been thinking about the discussion my friend and I had the other night over my cake. And of course my alcoholic mind has to unravel and unravel the thread over and over. I've been avoiding the shambles of our marriage for sometime. First of all in my defense I was all ready to tackle it last year, but was told by my sponsor to just concentrate on recovery, that it wasn't going to be possible to figure myself out and work through 17 plus years of intimacy problems. She was right, I took one look at my marriage, got overwhelmed and stuck my head in the sand. Now it's time to "suck it up buttercup" and deal with it. So I took a much needed and cringing look down memory lane at one failed relationship after another and I came across a rather enlightening discovery: I don't know how to have a relationship. I have always been approval hungry so as soon as I would meet someone, I would give my heart away and then turn into whatever that person wanted. I would trade in all my ideals, never set boundaries and before I knew it, I was being left with another broken heart. So by the time I met my husband I had no clue on how to have a give/take relationship. He was so nice so I took, and have been taking ever since. Briefly early on in our relationship I let go and was truly myself, it was a wonderful time, but then the old fear of being hurt crept back in, and I started to get scared, and I started shutting and locking one door after another to my heart. I know this sounds awful but it was the only survival mechanism I knew. As you can imagine it has been a long tough road for us as a couple and add in alcoholism and it spells disaster. Near the end of my drinking we were barely able to speak to one another without a blow up. Like two strangers living in the same house, there wasn't a whole lot left. But alcoholism is a selfish disease and so is the recovery. Not that there weren't many good times over the years, and we do have three great kids, it's just we've grown apart. So I've had to do a lot of praying that my husband would wait this past year, and he has. He also got to see me complete a year of sobriety, and the dust has settled between us. There's an easiness that wasn't there before. A mutual respect that I thought was gone forever. So now begins another journey for me. To get to know the man I love, to open my heart, to learn to trust, and to become a soul mate rather than just a roommate. I'm nervous, scared, excited, and overwhelmed all at the same time. But like my program I want to take it one day at a time, my HP will be with us, and I hope you will say an extra prayer for us as well. So here goes, time to roll up my sleeves and get to work......