Flash 55 Friday.....

Silent Interlude

Coming back from the bathroom
at a quarter to three
I pause at the top of
the stairs to admire the night's stillness.
One, then two, now three....
No two the same, some simple,other's complex.
My feet now frozen to the wooden floor, I
watch mesmerized as you silently change
the world to white.....


One of my favorite things to anticipate is the first snowfall. I love when it snows all night. I could sit for hours and watch the flakes fall, softly, quietly, without a sound.....wishing you a great Friday and the sweetest of dreams......

One Shot Wednesday

Red Kettle Symphony

Walking down the gray wet sidewalk
my ears are attracted to the familiar
sound: ring, ring, ring, ring
My eyes search for your direction
and my feet keep walking forward...

I turn the corner and there you are.
Lone soul on a mission.
Nose red and purple from the cold,
but your smile is warm and your spirit bright.....

I approach you without a sound
my fingers releasing the silver coins.
"Thank you! God Bless" you say
"You too" I answer as I start
down the gray wet sidewalk.....

It's that time of year again. The Salvation Army Bell ringers are out in full force. My father taught me at a young age to always have extra change in the car, or my purse or pockets so I could give when this season arrived. It was exciting as a child to run up to the bucket and deliver a handfull of change, and it still is exciting to do this as an adult. I have taught my children this lesson as well and as soon as we see a bell ringer they are getting their money ready. My oldest and I have rung the bell as well. They are a terrific reminder of the spirit of the season: to give to others, to lend a helping hand, to be Jesus with skin on....

The all important 24 hrs. at a time

When I first called the AA hotline I spoke with someone who told me "we never think in terms of forever we deal with 24 hours at a time." This was a pretty new concept for me, I was always cringing from something that had happened in the past or was planning months ahead in the future. I had no idea how to exist in the present.It's funny but now when I look back I think I spent a great deal of my life waiting for something to happen. When you are a teenager you are waiting to grow up, waiting to "get a life". At 24 I owned a house, was married and having our first child. I was always waiting for the next big thing. Then as life progressed and I finished my college degree, had two more children, went out into the working world, I was still waiting for the next big thing to happen. What I didn't realize was all the big things I was waiting for had happened but I was to busy looking over my shoulder or craning my neck to see in the future to even notice what was going on in my life. So staying in these 24 hours has taken a lot of time and energy on my part. I have to monitor my thinking a lot and catch myself many times a day to keep me in the here and now. It's a control thing. My alcoholic mind doesn't want to accept the past which I can't change and it somehow wants to control the future before it becomes the past. Well this week I found out not only how to live in this 24 hours I found out how to live minute by minute. I was having a crazy week. Every night this past week I had somewhere to be. Teacher conferences, meeting with Alex and his guidance counselor, bible study, meetings, etc. and then it happened right in the middle of my week. I found something out about someone whom I've known for a long time that completely took me be surprise and rocked my world. I was numb, stunned to say the least. Of course I didn't sleep a wink that night. I lay wide awake and began to converse with my higher power. It no longer became 24 hours a time it became minute by minute. I felt like my mind had been shattered into a million pieces, and I was frantically trying to find all the shards of glass. Finally I asked my HP for the peace that passes all understanding and I felt my soul get quiet. I was able to speak with my sponsor and some friends in the program. They were wonderful. I realized that my HP had put these people in my life to help me get through 24 hours at a time. God is good. I am dealing with what I need to deal with and I'm staying in the present. I celebrated nine months on the day I found this news out and whether that is symbolic or not I never would have handled this without the program of AA in my life, my higher power and staying in the here and now. For the first time in nine months I had a complete awakening to what 24 hours means. I will never take that for granted. It is one of the best "tools for living" that I have in my toolbox. Step by step, minute by minute, hour by hour, 24 and no more......peace!

Flash 55 Friday

You Called...

You called the other day
to tell me there
was a strange man sitting on my porch.
You asked if you should tell him to
leave as he wasn't very clean and
might be menacing.
Silence...
Couldn't you see that he was just waiting
for the bus? cold and tired?
Maybe I need new friends.....




At the end of our driveway is a city bus stop. Seriously. So many people often wait on the sidewalk. A lot of elderly use the bus and when it's hot I let them sit on the front steps of our house because it faces north. They get some reprieve. Sometimes someone is just tired and they sit on the steps. It doesn't bother me. I'm glad I can offer something. But I did have a friend call one day to ask if they should "shoo" a man away just because he wasn't dressed/bathed a certain way. I always think that "there are angels that walk among us" and you never know what they look like so treat them with dignity. I hope you are all having a nice end to the work week. Have a great weekend and stay dry and warm.......

Oneshot: Epiphany

Waiting at the stop lights
we discussed the mundane
work, school, schedules, dinner
until I noticed you weren't listening
So my eyes followed yours and then
we both saw him

Shaggy beard, torn clothes
ungloved fingers holding the sign
"Homeless will work for food or cash"
His defeated stature was reflected
in the glow of red

You turned to me, eyes pleading
a thousand questions running through
your young mind
I reached for my purse and watched
you hand the cash to this man
His grateful smile illuminated by the
glow of green

As we drove in silence
I wished I had the answers
but I don't
I can only show you
that by giving to your fellow man
there doesn't have to be any
orphans of God..........


My oldest son Alex and I experienced this last night. Our town has a growing number of homeless and it's maddening to think of them in the cold, hungry and tired. I really wish I had all the answers....

Pasta and tears....

This past Sunday my sponsor and I held a "Pasta and Tears" party for women at the AA club. As you can imagine there was a lot of good pasta, garlic bread, cookies, and m&m's. There are a few women's groups in the club but we wanted a Sunday afternoon where ladies could come together, eat, share, laugh and cry. And boy did we eat, laugh, and cry. We centralized our discussion around the five stages of grieving. How there is almost a bliss in denial, or at least a distance that keeps you at arms length. One woman shared how denial kept her from drinking after her husband's sudden death. Another lady talked about denying she had issues with her mother, thus drink became the escape. I just denied everything and kept denying it with one drink after another. Next comes anger. So many women had anger at God. I had anger at life. Anger has only one place to go and that is out. For so many of us who haven't felt anything in so long, this can be scary. It just comes bubbling up and it's got to come out, so watch out. The first few weeks of my sobriety I was a nutball. Laughing one minute, crying the next, confused, angry, hurt, ect. Then bargaining. "God I just need to drink today because everything went so wrong, but I will stop tomorrow I promise". Or "I'll never drink again, just give me one more chance...." and then depression. I wanted to sleep all the time. Which to me is like another form of denial. I was so tired, brain tired, I just needed a good night's sleep. Or like the woman who was dealing with her mother said, "I was feeling helpless, overwhelmed! This was a huge piece of wreckage from my past and I wasn't sure I could make it" but then comes acceptance. Getting to that plateau where you've just made it through the hard stuff, the loss, the anger, the tears, the helplessness and now you are over the hump. The sun is beginning to peek over the edge of the horizon. It's like holding your breath and finally releasing it. You made it, you're not done but you've made it. We've all been there. Lived through something we didn't think we'd make it through. We are better for it. Growth is never a waste. Alex shared with me one of the exercises they had to do at leadership camp. They had to climb a 35ft. telephone pole. (they were harnassed and had on helmets) but when they got to the top they had to stand up on the very top and then ring the bell. Alex was the second person up the pole. He said it was scary at first, trying to get yourself balanced, and when your legs shook so did the pole. But after a while you stopped shaking he said, and you just stood in awe that you were there, on top of this pole, in the wind. He said it was so cool that he did it twice! Life is like climbing that pole. Are we ready? do we have the strength? can we make it to the top? can we stop are legs from shaking? Will we be able to appreciate the view once we get there? I don't know about you but I sure would like to try.........

Taking the holidays off?! and other revelations....

I just picked Alex up from camp. He had such an awesome time. Came home with tons of new friends, all in his phone already, and talked 90 miles a minute all the way home. He had such an awesome time, all the food was healthy, they are huge on the environment, everyone had so much fun, and the best comment of all, "I wish it would have lasted a whole week!" Now that is priceless! Watching your child get opportunities and being able to let them go and grow is awesome!
Now back to my strange title. The other night as I was leaving a meeting, I asked my sponsor and another lady if they had seen this girl (we'll call her A) Everyone stopped and my sponsor said, "You know come to think of it I haven't seen her in quite a while". This person we were talking about is a really neat gal. She is funny, outgoing, and so much fun to be with. At my first month anniversary she passed along her first month coin to me. Then in the spring she went back out. And then at the beginning of summer she came back through those doors. She seemed to really want the program this time but I have a sinking feeling she's back out there. That's when my friend turned to me and said, "well it is that time of year. Many people take the holiday off". I looked at her and said, "what do you mean take the holidays off?" She answered, "they quit coming, go back out drinking to celelbrate the season and they will show up in January ready to start their program all over again." My sponsor shook her head "yes". We gals have been here over 21 years and we see it every holiday season. Now I maybe a little niave but this never crossed my mind. Why bother coming in at all. Do so few people really take their programs seriously? I mean if you do the steps, you get your "tools for living" and you work through the stress, anxiety, problems, and yes the holidays! You don't take them off because it's too much work to get through them! The more I thought about it the more absurd it became to me. When I think back to my life nine months ago and what a confused, screwed up mess I was I can't imagine throwing all the work, pain, tears, frustration and growth that I've done in that short amount of time away! You might as well go throw a few thousand dollars in the trash can. I'm living life. I'm in turmoil, job instability (hubby), bills to pay, kids to guide, obligations to fulfill but I can't in my wildest dreams imagine "taking the holidays off". I am so grateful to this program, to the people who have spent hours working with me. To the millions of stories I have listened to, to the hands I have held, or who have held mine while I cried. My sponsor could tell last night when we met last night that this was still bother me so she gave me some insight. "Not everyone makes it. It's not your job to make them make it. A lot of people talk the talk but few get to walk the walk. This is a selfish program. Guard your program, give to others through sponsorship but remember not everyone will make it. You have to accept that and pray for them." I laid it down. I'm not to judge. I need to just be grateful for my HP, my sponsor, my wonderful family, friends, bloggers and my program. As I've been told before, "just take care of your side of the street". I hope you are all having a wonderful Saturday, I'm cooking Alex's favorite "garlic chicken" and my parents are coming for dinner. Stay safe, stay sober, and stay happy......