Flash 55 Friday

Vacate

It's been six months
since I left you.
Done with your lies
and empty promises.
Your charms no longer
seduce me, your myths
no longer convincing.
Now I drink in the
rays of the sun, smile
at my children's laughter,
and warm to my lover's touch.
For now I breath in the
decadence of life.......



Today is my six month anniversary in AA. If "you will be amazed before you are halfway through" I am. My life has changed so drastically in the last six months. There are times when that darkness seems so far away and then I will get a subtle reminder of how fast it can come back. Today I am grateful for getting the chance to wake up in the middle of my life, and knowing I can choose to life the other half differently and sober......

(the "lover" of course is my husband just to clarify :)

Hot child in the city.....

Another day of hot humid, sticky weather. I do not do well in the heat, never have and some of the meds I have to be on warn to stay out of the sun and for once I'm listening! I'm more concerned with my oldest son Alex who is working at the fair this week. He and a friend have a "gig" through the city and are busy making some extra cash. However they are outside all day and I worry about dehydration, but he assures me they are fine. He has skin like my husband and is turning a beautiful golden brown. Yesterday he worked 12 1/2 hours and came home tired, sore, and pleased with his full day. Wow were did the years go. When I talked with my brother he said Alex looked like a "bean pole" he had gotten so tall. I am grateful for the opportunity of work for him. And speaking of grateful we ordered our new regrigerator today, and paid for it in cash! We still have to wait a week for it to come in and be delivered but it will be wonderful! I won't take an appliance for granted again! Plus we didn't have to finance another thing, we just took care of it. It's actually been kind of fun budgeting and staying within our means this past week. I've really amazed myself at how far I made my alloted money stretch! Tonight we have church since we missed it on the weekend by going up north and tomorrow I start leading the Thursday night "We Are Not Saints Group". I was asked to lead this AA meeting by my peers and I feel grateful they would trust such a newbie as me. Sometimes I feel like my answers or comments aren't as mature as those who have a lot more sobriety. Which of course would make sense. But this is another thing I need to work on :letting it be, letting it take it's own course. This is a toughie for me, but I'm a work in progress. I hope you are all having a great hump day, and staying cool! Next week I'll actually be able to stick my head in the freezer......for real :)

Oh poop!

Monday night meetings always bring a diverse group. As I was walking up the sidewalk I spied my friend. He had come into the program three weeks before me, and since we are near the same age, have young kids, and our sponsors are friends we kind of felt a closeness. A few months ago his wife wanted to further her career and he decided to become a stay at home dad. We go to different meetings so I haven't seen him in two months, so I was so glad he was there. We hugged and I said, "Hey you, you must have hit your six months by now!" His smile faded, and his eyes fell from mine, quietly he whispered, "No, last Friday night I relapsed, so now I get to start over". A thousand thoughts ran through my head but then I smiled and said, "you're here tonight and that's all that matters". His eyes met mine and slowly the smile began to spread accross his face. We walked into the meeting and it was a great discusssion. All about making amends for the right reasons, not because you want to fulfill your selfish motives, or ego. This is the step I am currently working on. When I first began the step I thought,"this isn't so bad, I mean most of my life is still in tact and really I don't have a long list of people to make amends with". That was my thought process until my sponsor pointed out that the people I did need to make amends to would be done through a living amends. Some of these people are my husband, my children and my parents. It would be done by growing, changing, giving, sincerity etc...I then she dropped another bomb in my lap. I also need to make an amends to myself. What? How do I do that! By valuing myself. Taking care of myself. Making better choices, working with my HP to remove character defects. By opening up my mind, accepting what I can't, changing what I can, and of course having the wisdom to know the difference. Yep, there it was. No letter, no big formal apology, just saying I'm sorry, and getting to work. Not so easy after all. I could have been discouraged by all of this but instead I realized that the process had already begun. I had entered AA and I was already making an amends to myself. Acceptance, love and tolerance, the three greatest gifts one can give to oneself.....have you given these to yourself lately?

Ready, set, go!

The month of August moves fast. I have a packet of materials from the private school our two youngest attend that would rival any college admission forms, meet the teacher days to schedule, registration and fees day, not to mention orthodontist appointments, Grace's birthday, Alex's birthday, my parent's anniversary, and to top it off my oldest calls and says he and a friend are working at the fair all week driving a golf cart and delivering drinks. They make pretty good money and are very excited about this opportunity. And let's not forget school clothes and school supplies to buy. Both Grace and Sam have grown so much, that I know there will be very little that they can wear from last year, oh did I mention that I would also like to have a garage sale? This time of year had the ability to completely unravel my nervous system. It goes by in a blur and before I know it it's the first day of school and we are back to nine months of schedules and routines! I know, I know, stay in today....at least I feel I'm better equiped to handle all the "business" that is associated with this month. Before I was just hanging on, now I feel like I can grab the wheel and go. That's growth! 150%!
We had a busy weekend. Our friends celebrated their 25th. anniversary Friday night. Their party was very nice, not to mention that the food was delicious! Just say "fatty meat" and I'm there! :) It was also the first time I have seen some of my girlfriends since I stopped drinking. I was fine. It was great to see them, to hear what's going on in their lives. It was a warm, muggy summer night. Crickets and frogs sung along to the Frank Sinatra tunes the band was playing. I enjoyed a cool creme soda and a cigar with the men. When the evening ended I packed up my children and headed for home. Happy to celebrate my friends special day and happy to be sober. Saturday we headed up north for the night to visit with my oldest brother and his family. It was great to see them and catch up. Before we left I attended a meeting. Usually this is one of my favorites but this time it was filled with conflict. People were complaining of the cliques, and the gossip, and the thirteenth stepping etc. Discussions were heated and I was very disappointed that this topic was outshining two anniversaries. One lady was celebrating nine years, and the other three. I would have loved to hear how they did it, but unfortunatly the meeting was full of opinions. After the meeting I was talking with a lady who told me when I first came in she thought I was a snob. She commented that I tended to keep to myself, only attend certain meetings, and talk to certain people. I was shocked. I didn't realize I was coming across like this. I was getting ready to defend myself when it occurred to me: why should I? I only attend certain meetings because at night I'm the only parent home, and I choose meetings that are very focused and can give me the most experience, strength, and hope. Second I have seen the high school crap that goes on around the club, and I choose to keep my program as gossip and altercation free that I can. I don't need to entangle in anymore problems. I have enough of my own. As for talking to certain people, I'm nice to everyone, but there are certain people that I know will be truthful and honest with me, increasing my growth. So for that I'm perceived as a snob. I know that I snap judge people too, so instead of taking it personal I just smiled and said,"yes, I suppose I do come across like that". I didn't have to buy into anyone else's agenda. I can take an observation or criticism without getting all emotionally wrapped up in it. I try to stick with my program, with my sponsor, and with AA peeps that keep me honest, humble, and willing to grow. And for that I'm grateful.......

Flash 55 Friday

Reflection

I saw it in your eyes,
glassy and unfocusing.

I heard it in your words,
thick and slurred.

I felt it in your smile,
so heavy and hesitant.

When we hugged good-bye
I smelled it on your breath
and was reminded that not
too long ago, I to worshipped
the liquid God in the glass.......



A few weeks ago a friend asked if I was bothered by being around people that had been drinking. I was able to answer truthfully: "No, because when I see someone whose had too much to drink it reminds me of how far I've come and that it would only take a second to throw it all away". I'm off to Green Bay WI today for business. Hope you all have a blessed weekend....

A break in the storm......

Things are beginning to calm down. Papers are signed, interest rates dropped, and light is appearing at the end of the tunnel. When all the running around and excitement of yesterday subsided I lay on my bed last night reflecting on how far things have come from where they were a year ago. Last July everything was unraveling fast. We were about two minutes from a divorce and 30 seconds away from filing bankruptcy. I was so lost, and felt that there wasn't any answers, that there wasn't anyone who could help me. Now a year later it's almost a 360 degree angle. Wow! The promises are beginning to come true. Two weeks ago I was praying over our financials with God and I just laid it down, "we need a miracle, I want to do your will, I need your strength and guidance". How quickly he answered. In a matter of three days this week, things have changed dramatically. It hasn't always been pleasant, especially all the arguing with my husband, but it didn't lead me to run away, I didn't need to drink, I just needed to trust and be lead. I was pretty wound up last night, so I slept poorly, and woke way to early. Now I just came off of a conference call in which I barely stayed awake. I have a dull headache and my eyes are heavy. But my heart is filled with gratitude. Gratitude for walking through those doors six months ago, gratitude for my family, especially my children and husband who still love me despite everything, grateful to friends who never waver in their support, to a sponsor who makes me feel fearless, to all you blogger peeps who are such a huge part of my recovery, and to the one who deserves all the credit God. This morning I arrived at work an hour early to catch up on some things since I'll be traveling for my job tomorrow, and a coworker stopped in my office to ask how my recovery was going. I flashed him a big smile as he sat down and could honestly say "life is good". His sister is an actively using alcoholic. In and out of treatment and refuses to go to AA. My friend thinks it's because she will be held responsible and she likes to blame everyone else. (yep, been there, done that) I told him that sure you have take responsibility, and yes, at times it's yuky, but it's also worth the work. Waking up in the middle of my life has been incredible. I can truthfully say God and the program of AA have given me my life back. And I will forever be grateful for this second chance.......sigh :)