Flash 55 Friday

Intermission

Oppressive heat
leaving sweat beads
along my neck.
My leaden filled eyes
drop shut as my head
indents the pillow.
Faintly a crack of
thunder, your voice
fading in the distance.
A quiet blackness
spreads over my limbs
like a blanket.
"Just a few minutes more",
I murmur.
Waking much later to dripping
trees and sunshine.



Tuesday afternoon I beat a storm home. I was running on a few hours of sleep and I was talking to my son as I just laid down for a "minute"....I woke up an hour and a half later and found that I had slept through a very bad storm. High winds, hail, and lots of thunder and lightening. I guess when tired a person can really sleep through anything.......

And I did it all without a ........

Sometimes at meetings I contribute, sometimes I don't. I contribute by listening. Contribute to my sobriety that is by listening to those who have gone before. At a meeting the other night people were talking about what they had survived. One man who I shall call P had survived 6 surgeries in 6 months. He is battling kidney issues right now, is in and out of the hospital, but he's always at the meetings. He talked a bit about all that he had survived. Numerous health problems, some of which are still present, relationships both good and bad, financial hell and back, and through it all you can see in eyes the quiet peace he has found through the program. He ended by saying, "I survived it all without a drink". Another lady spoke of her troubles: a month in a mental hospital, a divorce, bankruptcy, loss of job, raising two kids on her own, and she too ended with , "I survived it all without a drink". To the average person this is no big deal. What's so big about not having to take a drink? But to those of us who have the disease or have been touched by those with the disease, this is no easy task. Alcohol was my side kick. If I had a bad day, alcohol would make it better, if I was having financial problems, alcohol could make those disappear. If I was happy, mad, confused, disappointed, guilty or full of shame, alcohol would take it all away. You get to the point where it becomes the catalyst to everything you do. You can't imagine your world without it. And you will fight, justify and protect it at all costs, because the really sick part of the disease is when it convinces you that you can't live without it. You won't last a day without a drink. When I was talking to my coworker about her son I kept thinking, "If only I could make him understand that you will laugh, you will have fun, you will survive without alcohol". Getting over that first step: Admitting that you are powerless over alcohol. It's not such a voluntary act when your mind convinces you and your body that you will die without it. In the end drinking was a daily habit, like brushing my teeth. It was just another part of my day. I didn't know how I was going to give it up. Until I tried, and trusted, and cried, and laughed, and realized that it was not blood, it was not oxygen, it was not needed to live a rich and fulfilling life.(AA Promises) But it takes time, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but always if you work for it...........

Tired.......

I made it home yesterday before the black sky opened and unleashed it's wrath. I was glad all my blessings were safe in the house, and the last thing I remember is conversing with my oldest. The next time I opened my eyes it was sunny and water was dripping outside the windows. I had slept for an hour and a half, through a wind whipping, lightening/thunder, hail thunderstorm. Lost of trees down, and over 4,000 people without power, cable, phones. And I slept through it. So to redeem myself I went grocery shopping and made a big pan of lazagna. My children forgave me for sleeping through the storm. My body needed it and the one thing about loosing sleep is you never get it back. So I have nothing earth shattering to contribute today. Going to the library after work tonight (never made it yesterday) then home to eat the yummy leftovers. After that nothing. I will relax, meditate, and be grateful to my higher power for downtime. I have decided no more justifying when I don't feel like doing anything. Hope you are all having a good "hump day"........

Everybody has their own plate of.......

I have found my home group. Monday night's are awesome. I like the people, I like the format, I love the discussion. We also had two anniversaries, two months and one year. You know what that means? CAKE! really good cake too, but I wasn't paying attention and drank way too much coffee, and was up until 3:00 with caffeine withdrawal. So 2 1/2 hours of sleep is not doing me justice today. I'm taking the afternoon off for a haircut, grocery shopping and the library. I know, I know, you are all just jealous of my glamorous life :) Last night as I came home, feeling all the good feelings of a great meeting my daughter met me at the fence gate with the news that my coworker had been to the house looking for me and was crying. I headed in and my husband said, "get a hold of P as soon as you can, I don't know what's wrong but she needs you to call her". So what happens I open my phone and the last ounce of battery drains out and sends me that cute little message "good-bye". I plug it in and it didn't even have the energy to let me pull her number up. So I grabbed my son's phone, made a call to her boss, got the number and spent the next hour listening to somone's heart break. Her son is back at it again, she had checked him into a local facility to dry out, the cycle that I was afraid of is happening. He's slowly loosing everything and everybody. He's alone, afraid, and not ready. To listen to a mother sob because she can't help her son is heart wrenching. I felt helpless until I began to use what experience I had. I didn't lie when she asked if I thought that maybe he had enough. It's tough to tell a friend, that their child may or may not be near bottom. I hate the reality of this disease. It just keeps taking, and taking, with no concern for those in it's path. My friend asked me what the defining moment was for me "how or when did you know?". I had to think about it, there was a chain of events that happened that led to my going to AA but the actual defining moment had to be the day I woke up and realized that I could not endure another year like the year before. I knew that I would have either drank myself to death or chose to exit out some other way. I had never admitted that to another human being before last night. I was too scared to admitt that I was in that much depression and despair. Thank God, my God did not let that happen. He led me through the doors of AA. I finally faced a truth that had been scaring me to death. We talked some more about Al-Anon, talking to someone, taking care of herself etc...at least to the point where she was more calm, and had agreed to eat something and try to get some sleep. I hung up and just wanted to throw something. I wanted alcoholism to have a real form, so I could grab it, yell at it and throw it across the room! Today we are back at work. Our tired eyes, and drawn faces revealing nights of little sleep. Trying to act normal. I remember many days last year, trying to appear normal. Not hungover, and emotionally spent. The fake smiles and laughter. Recently a friend of mine commented on a friend of hers by telling me that her friend has the "perfect life". I smiled and said, "I no longer believe that of anyone, we all have our own plate of problems, you just don't know when it's going to be served".....I gave up the elusion of perfection. I had chased that pot of gold for years. I have learned to accept imperfection, it's strangely beautiful and perfect in it's own way.....

The Summer of my miscontent.....

I get restless this time of year. If you ask my husband he will say irritable too. I'm not sure what causes it. Perhaps I know what lies ahead. A busy school year with three kids. My gardens even look anxious and restless. I feel change a coming and yet I feel nothing changing. My son and I were talking the other night while we were making dinner and I said to him, "you know sometimes I would like to sell the house, simplify, move and start in a whole new fresh atmosphere". This came as a little shocking to Alex. "Really mom?" to which I replied, "yes, really". I would love to pay off debt, get rid of so much stuff we don't need, and live simply, and maybe start planning to travel etc.", he thought about it for a minute then said, 'I could see that". Now moving to most people is the most unappealing process possible. But lately I look around at the amount of stuff my husband and I have accumulated and really, we could do without. Of course I haven't mentioned this to my husband because I've scared him enough these past few months, but there is a restlessness in my bones. Perhaps it's because things I felt that I needed so badly in my life really aren't that important. I've learned to look at things differently. I'm tired of stuff. Stuff wears you down. Both physically and mentally. I've put this crazy notion into my God box and asked him for the answer. I wish I could explain this feeling better but I do go through it every year. This time I'm looking for an answer. I hate waiting but it's God's time not mine. So quietly (and anxiously) I wait.....

The prodigal.....?

"My Savior My God" Aaron Shust/Dorothy Greenwell

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior

Tonight was my return to church after a long hiatus. I was struggling with many emotions in regards to church and it seemed like early in my recovery that every time I went I started crying. One time even to the point of sobbing which if you ever want your teenager to think you are not cool feel free to try this. I had to remove myself because when my emotions came back I didn't know how to control them. I had numbed them for so long with alcohol that I suddenly felt raw, exposed and very vulnerable in church. I'm not sure why but something was telling me it was time to return. I love the Saturday night service in the Spiritual Life Center at our church. It's contemporary and the music is beautiful. My children also like this service so all in all it's a family favorite. I was telling one of my favorite AA peeps about wanting to cry every time we begin to sing and he said, "you know why? You've been humbled. You no longer try to play God, you are now grateful and are filled with humility. I think it's ok if you do cry". I hadn't thought of this before. My relationship with God is on a completely different level than it was months ago. So tonight I checked out the order or service before we started and saw that we would be singing many of my favorites. And right on cue the tears started filling my eyes, but then I thought of what Darren said, and yes I have been humbled. How can you not be? Like the prodigal son who left and squandered everything my father (God) was waiting with arms open to welcome me back. The gratitude you feel. The asking for forgiveness and knowing that he has forgiven you a long time ago and is waiting for you to forgive yourself is amazing. After a few verses a quiet sense of calm filled me and I spent the next hour in complete worship of my higher power. At the end of his sermon our pastor told the story of a small child trying to remove a large rock from his sandbox: as the child was lifting a rather large stone over the side, it slipped and pinched his fingers. The father watching at the window immediately went to comfort his son. As he wiped the tears away the father said to the boy, "did you use all of your strength to move the stone?" the little boy said "yes, I used all my strength" to which the father replied, "no you didn't, you forgot to ask my help". What a wonderful lesson for those of us who think we don't need anyone's help. I've proven time and time again that I can't do it on my own. And I am happy to say I now ask for help...I hope you do too! Peace......

Flash 55 Friday

Common Loon

You are elusive during the evening,
my eyes searching to find you.
I hear your lonely wail and it
sends shivers down my spine.
Just when I'm ready to paddle
ashore, you emerge taunting me
with your quiet complexity.
Camera slowly focuses in, holding
my breath I capture your wild beauty
in an instant, forever.



While we were vacationing last weekend I had a lesson in patience. My bestie and I were out kayaking late in the evening. She is an excellent photographer and will wait a long time for the perfect shot. She had wanted to shoot a picture of a loon, but they had been elusive due to boat traffic during the day. We finally spotted one out for an evening swim and my best friend knew it was her chance. She patiently followed the loon, and quietly waited as to not disturb his route, and then very slowly and quietly took his picture. I doubt he even knew that he was the subject of such great interest. Good things do come to those who wait....