Knowing me, knowing you....

Last Thursday at the "We are Not Saints Group" that I lead we talked about letting people know you are an alcoholic. I know that a lot of people do not want others to know that they are recovering alcoholics for various reasons. It doesn't bother me, and I have no problem telling people I am a recovering alcoholic. Why? Because I wish I had known one. Seriously I know that sounds crazy but I think knowing someone whom you feel has it all together, someone you feel comfortable talking with, someone you can ask questions with, if you knew that person was an alcoholic you might be more willing to explore your own options. Maybe, maybe not. Our path is revealed in it's own time, and I was meant to come into AA when I did, but had I known someone who was a recovering alcoholic, and had I been able to speak to them about the disease, perhaps it would have made an impression on me. I know, I know :Wudda, shudda, cudda, but that's not what I mean. I guess I grew up knowing nothing about alcoholics, except what was depicted on Tv, and in my mind you had to be a hobo, drinking out of a paper bag, living under a highway overpass. If my parents talked about anyone they knew that was an alcoholic, they would almost whisper the word. Like a terrible secret, so as my drinking was progressing I couldn't imagine I was an alcoholic. I wasn't a bum, drinking out of a bag. No just a bum drinking out of a wine glass. It didn't dawn on me that alcoholism like cancer doesn't discriminate. It can hit anyone. So for years lack of knowledge helped me justify my behavior. People would tell me I was a good mother and I would say "Good mother's aren't alcoholics", if I was promoted at work I would say "people don't get promoted if they are alcoholics", I had a whole list of reason's why I wasn't an alcoholic. Then I came to AA and found out I wasn't any different than anyone else in that room. What's really amusing to me is that everyone else knows you are an alcoholic way before you do. I thought I was such a good actor! No academy award for me. I guess my point is ( you're probably wondering "she has a point") is that I want to let people know what I didn't. That alcoholics are normal, functioning people, that we are in contact with every day. I hated all the lying, covering up, pretending that everything was great, and I did it all the time. It's very exhausting. So by letting it be known that I'm a recovering alcoholic I've been able to help quite a few people. At work, in social circles, in everyday life. I want people to know that it's ok. There is a solution. Too often I feel shame keeps people away from AA. It did me, going through those doors meant I was really what I feared the most. My fear was poorly based, and I learned to drop my shame pretty fast. I needed help, I needed to lean on other people, I needed to admitt that I was powerless. These things scared me to death, but they didn't have to. Life is so much better when you realize that you have nothing to fear but fear itself. I try to represent AA in the best way I know how. To let people know that there really is a way back. I tell people that AA took me from being a bystander to be a full time participator. Or as in the words of my friend Linda "This is a program for grown ups. For people that want to live a life richer, and fuller, than they ever dreamed. Some days I feel like I help no one and then other days I know when someone stops and says "Can I ask you a few questions about AA?" that I'm doing what I'm meant to do: give back freely what was so freely given to me......

Rainy day Sunday....

We were blessed with a gorgeous spring day yesterday. The air was soft, although cool and the sun shone most of the day. My two youngest and my hubby went to the school carnival and my oldest and I had lunch, picked up some art supplies he needed and spent the afternoon at the art museum. He already takes classes and volunteers and the Center for Visual arts and this afternoon he is joining the Teen Art Council for the Leigh Yawkey Woodson art museum. His talent and passion for art run deep, and he loves to explore any opportunity for growth. I never realized until yesterday that for a small town (60,000) that we are lucky to have exposure to the arts, and theater, not to mention the concerts in the park once summer comes. Having grown up here I tend to overlook how pretty our town is, and that we are quite fortunate to live in the heart of the Midwest. Today we awoke to overcast skies and rain. It's cold and blustery, a good day to start preparing for my Master Gardener final exam that will happen in five weeks. It's open book but I still want to prepare so I know where to find things. All in all it's been an interesting class taking me out of my comfort zone and into areas I thought didn't have much impact on my gardens but really do. Last week our class dealt with soil and I know I can feel the yawns, but it was quite interesting. I can't wait until we are able to volunteer and hopefully by September I will be a Certified Master Gardener. People always ask if I'm going to get a job in landscaping. This is funny since it's Wisconsin that is quite "seasonal" work. No I will be a resource for people who need help/advice with their gardens and it's a great way to give back to the community. Not everything one does has to be attached to money. The greatest pleasures in life often come from doing something that you feel passionate about. When I say this I think of my sponsor. A lot of people are intimidated by the person I chose to be my sponsor. She is very vocal, you know exactly where you stand and she's not afraid to hand you the truth. She spoke about how important sponsorship is to her. That she never asks any of her sponsees to do anything she herself hasn't done. Her rough exterior hides an enormous heart that would drop anything to be with you at any given time, day or night. She's one of the best hidden secrets out there. She taught me the importance of taking care of myself, how to love myself, how to let go and let God. She taught me that life is worth participating in, the sidelines aren't the place for me. One of the great things that I get to watch is when she sponsors someone new and I get to witness the change in them. She is currently sponsoring a girl who spoke at our Thursday night meeting and so many of the things she said sounded like me over a year a go. It will be interesting to watch her journey. I am always amazed at how life just keeps evolving, and that I keep growing. Some days you feel like you are in the same old rut, nothing ever changes, like you are sitting on "pause" waiting for someone to hit the "play" button and then something happens that fast forwards you. A few weeks ago on a recommendation from a friend, I submitted some poetry to our UW Marathon Campus spring writing competition. I was contacted via email by a very nice lady thanking me for my entry, and saying that she would contact me in the future if I didn't mind in regards to writing opportunities. I thought "good" and never gave it another thought. Last Monday she was in my inbox inviting me to join a writing group she has just started "1000 Words Wausau". It will consist of five community members of all ages and backgrounds, and each Sunday she will send us four words and two sentences that are to act as inspiration and we are to write a 250 word short story. After we have compiled four of these we will be meeting at the City Grill Bistro and performing a reading. I was thrilled. It's been a long time since I've written more than 55's, but I'm willing to give it a try. Once again it's that "getting me out of my comfort zone" thing that I need. I really am a creature of habit, but I'm concentrating on getting more adventurous. Other than that it was a quiet weekend until my oldest was playing with my parents ShiTsu and that got too silly, and the dog caught Alex's upper lip and he had to go to the emergency room for six stitches. What cracked me up is how a sixteen year old thinks: "I will look so tough with this scar, and don't wash the blood spots off my jeans just yet, they look so sweet." Sweet maybe but not sanitary. So two hours later he and his dad pull into the driveway as I was just pulling the yummy Swiss Steak out of the oven. We had a delicious meal (even though Al's face was numb) watched a little TV and all hit the bed early. I love that the small things in life provide so much pleasure, and that instead of turning to a drink when this incident went down, I turned to an old family recipe for comfort, and that also provided comfort to every one around me. So let the raindrops fall (at least its not snow) and let the wind blow because the sunny warm days will be back, and I will appreciate them even more........

Flash 55 Friday

Affirmation

Raising the sash and
lifting the glass I
quietly let spring in
The soft breeze slips
through the screen and
lazily spreads across the
room spilling freshness as
it collides with the furniture
and walls, dragging sunshine
behind on the floor while
a red breasted robin sings
a melody to an audience
of leafless trees.........

The temps are in the 50's and the snow is melting. Was able to have the window cracked a bit and love to hear the birds sing. Busy weekend planned with projects, school carnival and car repairs. Enjoy the earth as it stretches it arms to awaken......

In need of a change...

Ever since I hit my first year of sobriety anniversary I have felt like a snake trying to shed my old skin. I don't know what it is but I feel this urge to change things from my surroundings (hence the total bedroom makeover which by the way I love) to Weight Watchers (I've lost my first five pounds) to now meetings. Which of course can be an issue when you chair one of those meetings. I spoke with the president of our Alano club after the Saturday morning meeting. He's a good friend of mine and we both have concerns about the meeting I chair. It's a Thursday night big book meeting that deals with the first 164 pages of AA. It was designed by an old timer that loved structure but had to move back to Racine WI and needed someone to take the meeting over back in July. I thought it would be a good experience so I stepped up to the plate. It's always been a small meeting, very private, not published so you need to hear about it by word of mouth. It grew for a while but now it's stopped growing for some time. There's never enough money to cover the monthly rent so I take care of that out of pocket (and I don't mind) and once I asked if we could perhaps expand into other areas of the book rather than just the first 164 pages but that was given a quick "no!". So what to do? Hang up a flyer, give it more publicity, move it to the back room and pay half the rent? I told the president I would talk it over with the group this Thursday and let him know. He agreed and I went on my way. Now you know us alcoholics we have to take a bite, then chew on something, then chew some more, and stew about it, and on and on. As I was giving my sponsor a ride home from the Monday night meeting she asked what was on my mind. I told her and she was quiet for a moment then asked, "Are you really getting what you need from that meeting? Are you just continuing it because you took it over?" these are things I hadn't thought about. And we sat and talked for the next 45 minutes and I had to be truthful. I had outgrown this meeting a long time ago. It felt like an obligation rather than something I looked forward to. She asked me if I really wanted to lead it anymore, and I finally fessed up and said "no". So at this Thursday's meeting I'm going to tell everyone that it is time for me to move on and that my last meeting that I'm going to chair will be March 31. Perhaps someone else will take the meeting over and if not then it will disban and who knows maybe another different meeting will happen. What I didn't realize is that I was denying myself growth. I was so focused on being committed that I didn't even realize that I wasn't getting what I needed for my own sobriety. I do like familiarity but that's not what I always need. I need to get out of the comfort zone, shake it up, go to new meetings, meet new people, and challenge myself. Maybe I've just outgrown my old "self". When I drank I hung out with different people, I did different things. Now I'm much more comfortable with myself and I want to celebrate my new found identity. Before, this idea would have terrified me but now it excites me. So it's time to reevaluate my meeting schedule and mix it up a bit, and maybe take a look at a few other areas in my life that could use a little shaking up. After all if we're not changing or evolving we're not living, and I have already spent enough time not doing that. So it's time to put on my big girl panties and head out the door......

March Madness....

I'm not talking about the college basketball kind, just madness in general. This past week I heard nothing but tragedy and sadness. A young 28 year old taking their life, a schoolmate dying of cancer, the earthquake and sunami in Japan, people experiencing health and life altering circumstances, and finally at two of the AA meetings I attended people came in very drunk. What's going on? I ask....is there a full moon, a shift in the cosmic atmosphere that everything seems amiss? Or is it just March. Of all the months to me this is the longest and at times the crulest month. It's a transition between winter and spring, giving you the smallest bit of gratification that it can. People are depressed, moody, sullen, sick of winter, sick of life, tired, and drained. We need some hope. So yesterday I finally gave myself a peck talk and took my sorry butt out the door for a walk with my dog. A pure white dog+melting snow = a very dirty dog. However due to the fact the sun was out longer it was still very enjoyable. And apparently I'm not the only because many dogs and their owners were out walking. Trying to salvage some scrap of hope that winter will soon pass. And I did find such a sign. A small bare patch of grass. Although not green it was absolutely beautiful to my eyes. It's amazing how just a walk can change your attitude. Thank you HP. I guess I'm a little niave when it comes to AA. For me, I never would have thought going to a meeting drunk. The woman who came in last Monday night, and sat crying, and stewing in her pity pot, has been coming for ages. But she has a few things against her. One she feels she's better and unique (didn't we all at one time?) that she can do this on her own (so did I and look where that got me) and her ears are closed (we tend to not listen because we know everything already. So after we all listened to how bad her problems were my sponsor spoke. Now my sponsor had just lost a very dear friend to this disease so she was in no mood for a pity party. She laid it out very clearly. If you want to keep on drinking, go ahead. Go drink because you have it so bad, no one else has it as tough as you. This disease will kill you but you obviously don't care because people have reached out to you, but you know it all, you're a step above the rest of us...but wait the rest of us are sitting here sober, and you're drunk...could you be missing something? Then it was my turn to speak. And I'm a people pleaser, so I rarely come on strong, but I was tired after a long day and I wasn't going to let someone feel that their problems were any more heavy than the rest of the people around that table. I told her this was a program for grown ups, for people that want to take responsibility for their actions and that if she was serious, then it was time to put on the big girl panties and get to it. We freely give, but it you have no intentions of working the program, keep going out, and maybe someday when you've had enough you will begin to really want what we have. Another friend of mine wasn't so nice and laid it all on the line. It sucks to say things to someone like that. I hate hurting people but if this is a program of truth than we better grow thicker hides because the truth isn't pretty honey! At my Thursday night meeting a woman came in drunk. She had seven years of sobriety and thought she could handle a little controled drinking. That was over a year ago and now she was coming back through the door. She was humble and could barely talk. She didn't know where to go. As I was sitting down for the Saturday morning meeting I saw this woman standing quietly off by herself. I called her name, gave her a big smile and motioned for her to come sit by me. She was so glad to recognize someone. We talked about which meetings were good, and I recommended what I could. I hope she keeps coming back, and I also hope the first lady does too. But this is a program of work, there is no easier, softer, way...oh wait, yes
there is it's called drinking. It takes very little talent to be a drunk, just a williness to throw your life away so you don't have to live it or feel it. So by the end of the week all this March Madness was getting to me until I realized that these are times that will test me the most. Not when life is a bed of roses, but when it's filled with thorns. For when you feel that first spiney prick on your finger, and the pain sensor reaches your brain, its' called hope. Hope that you don't have to be a drunk, numb from your feelings and the world. That deep down inside there
s a fountain of emotions waiting to errupt as long as you have the courage to surrender.......

Flash 55 Friday....

Hope

On my way out the door,
as I stopped to turn the key
I heard a sound of months
gone by, a tiny breast
upon a twig was singing
it's little heart in two.
I watched this private concert
and marveled at the repetoire of
that small fellow, filled with hope
that spring would come...


This happened yesterday, as I was trying to lock the door, while juggling, my purse, my lunch, and shooing the kids out the door. We are buried in snow, and yet for a brief few moments I was transported into a warm day in May by this sweet little bird, singing his heart out, to an unknown captive audience. God is good! Remember to set your clocks ahead, and have a wonderful weekend......

Uncovering, Discovering, and Discarding

"And now five, maybe six years have passed, and I made another discovery, which I believe to be the Great Discovery. When we make this discovery, the search is over and life begins-life isn't over, life just begins. Really! And this discovery was that I was never alone anymore. I had a God of my very own. And where I am, He is. I'm often by myself, but never alone. And this has been the way it's been ever since the discovery, and it's the way it was before the discovery. Because I hadn't been alone since my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Now I believe that this program of ours, the Alcoholics Anonymous program, is a program of uncovering, discovering, and discarding. That's the AA program to me. Uncovering, Discovering, and Discarding." from the book A New Pair of Glasses by Chuck C


My good friend M whom I admire very much and have since my first day in AA borrowed me this awesome book called "A New Pair of Glasses". M often refers to parts of it and when I mentioned I was going to get me a copy he put his in my meeting locker at the club for me to borrow. It's a small book packed with wisdom from a recovering alcoholic. I loved the above paragraph. The intimacy in which he proclaims "I had a God of my very own". How much that God fills the void that was always trying to be filled with alcohol. Chuck C goes on to say what he believes is the biggest problem: "the greatest roadblock there is, the only one, as a matter of fact, the only roadblock there is between me and you and me and my God. And that's the human ego. The seat of all the obsessions of the mind. That's where they come from. It is also my total conviction that there is no possibility under Heaven to satisfy the human ego." When I read this, I felt like I had put on a "new pair of glasses", because even though I've made it a year, I have this nagging force that can stop me on a dime, and that is ego. When things go well or when they aren't going bad I tend to go on autopilot and think on my own. Bad, bad, bad, for me to go into my mind. I need to get in tune with my higher power. Part of it is just being in limbo. Last year I was going through the steps and the program filled me night and day. Now my sponsor has turned me loose and I feel like a kid standing in front of the extra curricular activities board trying to find my niche. A thousand possibilities and no sense of direction in which way to go. Things have been happening at work, feelings have been hurt, rules have been laid down and I am caught in the middle of it all. But I've also discovered I can do certain tasks even if they are not my favorite, I can do them well, and it's time to put on the big girl panties and deal with it. Tomorrow I need to get up and ask for strength, and walk through the day. Yesterday while shopping I ran into one of my fellow AA members and we stood in Target talking about the program. R has been sober for 21 years and he asked how my second year was going so far. I told him the truth, that it is different, that I'm incorporating program and living life on a daily basis. That I'm not totally sure if I know what I'm doing. He said, "well, you're not drinking and you're living life on life's terms. So you must know something...." it's always so good to talk to another alcoholic. He also told me that it just keeps getting better and better as the years go by. How it's so amazing how everything we did before was fueled with the reaction to drink, now it's fueled by survival. He told me about celebrating with sparkling cider at his son's wedding, how laughing and remembering is so much more rewarding than a buzz and a next day fog. It was good to run into him, it was good that M left the book in the locker. It is so good that "a God of my very own" looks out for me, even when I think nothing is going on, his plans for me are progressing forth. So this really is a program of uncovering, discovering, and discarding. Uncovering what hurt in the first place, discovering what a new reaction can do to change our lives, and discarding what we no longer need, and moving on. And if I really look at my life today, I guess I can truly say I'm right where I'm suppose to be.......