Clean slates & New Year's Resolutions......

At a meeting this past weekend, I heard many people talking about how happy the New Year made them feel. I heard the phrase "clean slate" referred to over and over. I get the feeling however I don't understand how people can brush off 2010 and think they start fresh in 2011. Hmmmmm, some of the same issues I have dealt with in 2010 are still here in 2011. It would be great if it was as easy as turning over the calendar and all your problems just disappeared. We would all love a fresh start but that's not how my life works. The "clean slate" for me is to not repeat patterns of behavior that didn't work last year. To look for new directions or different solutions to issues that I continue to deal with. Forgiving myself has helped remove a lot of the junk I was carrying but it didn't give me a "clean slate". There's only one person who can do that for me, and that's my HP. So for me this year isn't about starting fresh, or starting over, it's about using what I've learned and applying it to my real life. As for resolutions that is one area I have never succeeded at. I was fortunate to not have made "quit drinking" a resolution. In fact at this time last year I was just miserable but I hadn't decided or even considered AA yet. It wasn't until the last week in January that I seriously considered it and realized that I could do it. So it taught me a lesson. Planning for the future isn't an option. Oh, there are things you can do for things you know are coming up, but rarely do we ever have complete control of the situation at hand. So instead of me saying I will loose 50lbs. before summer, I will run a 5K, or I will become this awesome supermom, I have settled on a few less ambitious and for me attainable resolutions. Instead of leaving our bed a mess of blankets and pillows, I will make more of an effort to make the bed this year, I will try to pack healthier lunches for the office more rather than wait to see if someone is making a food run, I will spend a few more minutes alone with each child per day, just them, and try to learn more of what is going on in their world. I will be kinder and gentler to my husband which means setting my agenda behind, and I will try to give more unconditional love to mankind. These few "resolutions" I feel are a bit more doable than all the unrealistic ones I've made in the past. So whether it's a clean slate or not it doesn't matter just as long as you realize the important thing is to take one day at a time, just one 24 hours, no less, no more, and maybe some of the resolutions you made will actually materialize.....

Flash 55 Friday...

Bonne Annee

Watching the raindrops
trickle down the glass
Over the hum of
private conversations,
silverware clatter, and
muffled laughter...
You lean in and quietly
ask me the question:
"Sitting where you are
in December 2010, is it
better than where you were in
December 2009"?
I ponder this momentarily then
smile and say without reservation
"Yes"!!!!!


What an awesome feeling. I have hated the coming of New Year's Eve in the past. I always felt unaccomplished, let down, five steps backwards than the year before. For the first time in my life I feel good. I am pleased with the year. It hasn't been easy, I've faced a lot, have a lot to still face and work on, but I am content with the progress I have made. We will be staying in New Year's Eve, having my parents over for dinner, watching the ball drop and toasting the New Year with sparkling Cider, and looking forward to whatever may lie ahead in 2011. May your New Year's Eve be merry and may your lives be showered with blessings.....

One Shot Wednesday...

The ride of "your" life...

Not again, I've been here before
I keep trying to unbuckle the
belt, but it doesn't unlatch
I give up and stare at the
faces around me

Looks of excitement,anticipation,
people leaning forward, ready to go
Are these people nuts? I grab the
bars around me and prepare to hang
on for dear life

A lurch and then we slowly start
to move, we begin to climb and
I close my eyes, I hate this dream
I keep having the sensation of falling
backwards as my body feels vertical

We whip around a corner and plunge
to the bottom at record speed
Screaming and laughter and my stomach
flip flopping, arms in the air,
hands waving except for my white
knuckles clutched in a death grip

How long will this last, I hate
roller coasters, I think I can open
one eye, oh no we're falling, then
back up, then around the corner, and
It's not so bad, I'm surviving, it
actually might be a little fun

We seem to be slowing down
My heart has stopped racing
I smile at the people around me
I want to yell "I made it" but
before I can the ride starts
to move again, and this time
I throw my arms into the air....

When I was ten I rode my first and only rollercoaster at Great America. I was so shook up that to this day I will not go on amusement rides. A friend asked me last week to describe my year (11 months so far) of AA and after pondering it for a minute I gave him my reply: I used to stand on the side and watch everyone on the rollercoaster, I was too scared to be on it myself. AA gave me a front row seat on the rollercoaster, and at first I was terrified, by after working the steps, trusting in my HP, and letting go, I've been able to ride it everyday, no longer gripping on tight but screaming, and waving my hands in the air.......it's so much more fun to participate rather than watch......

Winding down.......

Survived the Christmas holiday. Actually it was relaxing and very enjoyable once we had everything ready. Thursday was a bit crazy but one awesome thing that happened was that Alex went for his first check up and dressing change. The Dr. did x-rays and his toe is now beautifully aligned with the rest of his toes. He is able to put a little more pressure on the foot now and has actually gone out of the house for a few short trips here and there. So that was good news. Thursday night when I arrived at my meeting after an insane trip through Wal-Mart I was surpised to see so many people there. It's a closed meeting but so many people had the next day off, and were in town that they came. It was an awesome meeting. So many great stories shared, so much insight. I love the "rush" that comes when you get to experience an AA meeting at it's best. It just set my mood for Christmas. I was able to see an old friend of mine at Church the next day, and Christmas Eve and Christmas day were spent with my parents. Everyone was happy with their gifts and now it's a matter of eating leftovers and enjoying their (the kids) weeks off of school. So while most people go out in search of bargains the day after, I headed to the library. For once I actually got a parking spot. I'm currently reading "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs. I love to read addiction memoirs. I think because we are all so different yet all so the same. Augusten has lived a life so insane and terrible at times that it's truly amazing that he has carved out his own sobriety. He talks about his first AA meeting. How incredible it was so be in a place where you feel safe for the first time in your life. I remember that feeling, I still love that feeling. I am careful with whom I share things with, and I stick true to my convictions and avoid the gossip pit. He talks about how good those first few weeks are but little by little you watch life creeping up on him. To me this is when you really have to roll up your sleeves and get to work. It's like the maintenance part of a diet. It's make or break. My twelve steps were easy compared to daily living. As alcoholics we spend so much time not living that for us the normal functions of day to day can be overwhelming. It takes about two seconds for me to slip into an old pattern and yet my HP is so good about teaching me daily. Last week I went into a bar for the first time since I've been sober, and I had a "diet coke" with my co-workers and you know I realized I don't miss the atmosphere nor do I want it in my life. How nice is that?! We could be going out to dinner with friends on New Year's Eve but we've chosen to stay home with our kids instead. I'm ok with the ordinary, I've missed out on it for so long, that at times it seems all new to me. No one can imagine unless they've been there what a precious commodity living a normal, simple life is. It's boundless in what it gives back if you let it. A few weeks ago I was with some friends, and as we stepped from the restaurant out into the day, I said, 'Oh look the sun is coming out, doesn't that just change your outlook on the day?" It was quiet for a few moments until one of my friends said "you know you're right the sun does make things feel better!" I can't always carry the pink cloud feeling of AA with me. I've tried, and there is too much of life that gets in the way. But I can choose my attitude, even if it's a bad one, and I can choose how long I'm going to stay in that attitude, and I make a difference not only in my life but in someone else's as well. That is one awesome gift that keeps on giving......smiles.....

Flash 55 Friday

Flashbacks....

When I was a child
Christmas meant:
Waking up early,
diving under the tree
playing for hours
No school for a week,
dad on vacation and
pancakes on Tuesday.
Ice skating with neighbors,
tobogganing, the old Polaris sled
Wearing funny hats and blowing
noise makers while staying
up late to welcome in
the new year....

We had the best time growing up. Between our house and our neighbors was a big field that we drove the old snowmobile around, then flooded for an ice rink. Our families did everything together, sledding, and parties, to New Years Eve. Our friend's parents are both gone, way too soon, and so is the field, replaced by houses. But these were precious times and Christmas was special right through New Years Eve every year as a child. Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas and a New Year filled with Happiness.....

Updates...

Thank you so much for all your prayers. Surgery went fine, a little longer than they expected but we did make it home right before the snow started. He was droggy so I had to help him get dressed, and he sat on the bed just like he did when he was a little boy and I put his left shoe on and tied it. Lots of flashes from the past. He didn't sleep the first night due to all the meds coming out of his system, and yesterday went pretty well too, however today is a different story. A lot of swelling, so much that the Dr. had me cut the bandage down the back to relieve some of the tightness. He's icing constantly and hopefully the ibuprofen and Vicoden will kick in soon. I know he's in a lot of pain because his face is an aweful gray color. Friends have been popping in, texting, and he's been on his lap top and
xbox-360. But we've also been dealing with a lower GI flu at our house, so I'm trying to keep people quarantined away from him. Getting to the bathroom isn't the easiest for him right now. Last night Grace and Sam had their Christmas program. It's the first time my husband has been able to attend one of these at night. So they performed it again at 10:00 this morning and I went. For once I got a decent seat and didn't almost pass out from the heat do to overcrowding. Mother nature has dumped a few inches of extra snow and Alex was glad to get out of shoveling. Am anxious to get to a meeting. I can tell when I go too long inbetween I feel a bit off course. It doesn't seem possible that Christmas Day is only three days away. Grace and Sam finish their last of day of school today before Christmas break. They have two more days left on the advent calendar. Well I need to run, my desk is heaped with work I don't feel like doing, and I'm
hoping to catch up on all your blogs today! Peace.....

If you can....

If you can say a prayer around 3:15 Monday December 20th. My son Alex will be in surgery at that time. It's his first time going "under" and I pray that nothing goes wrong and that we make it home and have him settled before the snow and freezing rain start. It's been a wild weekend. Many awesome things happened. I ran into one of my old high school friends in the store the other night. We had so many great times together and have children in similar age brackets. It was so great to see her, and her what's been happening in her life, to exchange phone numbers and to give her my blog address. She called a little while later to tell me she had started reading my blog from the beginning and was really enjoying it. That means a lot to me and we will get together soon! Spent a great dinner with my oldest Friday night, talking, sharing, laughing, and then we finished Christmas shopping. Needless to say we also grocery shopped since it was getting pretty bare in the cupboards! Saturday had coffee with two of my girlfriends and then stayed and talked with a good friend of mine for hours. We had lunch and then it was off to home to make an appetizer and get ready for the Christmas Cantata. It was superb! It dealt with the birth, the death, the resurrection, and the coming of Christ again. The music was fabulous and I always leaving feeling truly ready for Christmas. After we always go to our friend's house for fellowship and good food. Lot's of laughter and hugs. We are lucky to know such awesome people. This morning Grace, Sam, and myself went to the AA club for breakfast with Santa. What a fun time we had. Then it was off to my parent's house for Christmas with my middle brother and his family. The kids are all growing up too fast! Now I'm just reading over the literature for Alex's surgery and getting ready to start another busy week. All this is possible thanks to my HP, AA, my program and awesome people in my life such as you fellow bloggers. Take care, and good night.....