Life on life's terms...

I hear this statement many times per week. That as member's of AA it's important that we learn to live life on life's terms. That's what it has been all this week. Life is going to keep sending us one challenge after another and it's how we react to those situations that matters. Before I would have picked up a drink and tried to forget any "new issues". But now I find that I'm smack dab in the middle of them and I have to walk through the messes now rather than avoid them. It's amazing how many times a day I keep turning my will over to God, asking for his will not mine, saying the Serenity Prayer, staying in the moment, and before I know it the problem has passed, and I'm sober, and doing OK. One thing I'm learning to do is step out of my comfort zone. My daughter has been begging me to chaperone a field trip this year. I'm not the best at this, and it stems from the fact that I was one of the few working moms when my oldest was in preschool. I always felt like I was apologizing for working, like I was a bad mother. Now of course I realize that these are my own phobeas, and I created this subtle difference but it always turned me off for volunteering. I would think, "let the stay at home moms drive". How self-centered and inconsiderate of me, like being a stay at home mom isn't one of the toughest jobs there is. So I agreed to help take her class on a trip to the museum. She was thrilled, and even though I was apprehensive at first I had a great time. The kids that drove with me were very funny, the other mom's were very nice, and my daughter was thrilled. I was ashamed of the fact that I hadn't done this a lot more, and have decided since I can't change the past, I can volunteer for future events. I need to step out of my comfort zone more often.
After dinner I attended the Wednesday night Woman's meeting. It was a small group but the discussion was great. Everyone just seemed to be dealing with something but there we were, laughing and sharing and building one another up so we head back out the door and deal with life. Life on life's terms. It's not so frightening when you realize you are not along. AA has given me a feeling that I am never alone, and this has made a huge difference in my life......

A hug for you and one for me.....

Self love. Two small words with enormous meaning. They can be filled with false hope, false confidence even false promises if they are not sincere. Everyone wants them, few people have them, and even fewer will attain them. I used to think self love is when all the planets aligned and you had everything. Looks, money, fame, love......and all those magical things together made you happy. WRONG!!!!!! Self love has nothing to do with those things, but it can provide happiness if you can achieve it. All my life I was busy chasing rainbows. Empty promise after empty promise. I think I was one of the "unfortunates, I was born that way". If you examine my home life there should not have been a need for gratification. I came from a loving home, good parents, brothers, had everything I could have ever wanted and yet there was always this little hole in my heart. Tiny at first, then when I became a teenager it started to grow. I always thought the latest fashions, or the newest boyfriend, or the best party would bring me happiness. I was on a quest, I would fill up that hole or die trying. The year I was married my husband and I had a brand new home, a huge wedding, and then 11 months after we were married a beautiful baby boy. It still wasn't enough! More, I needed more...this hole kept getting bigger you see, and no matter how much I put into it, it just got emptier and emptier. I went back to college, earned my degree, had two more children, acccumulated tons of debt, pushed away my husband, pushed away those that loved me, put on a facade and the hole was still empty. But wait, somewhere in all of this I did find something. Alcohol, it made me not care if the hole was still empty. There, now I could keep searching, and be numb at the same time. Sooner or later I would find the key to happiness........I did, I just didn't expect it to be a dingy, smoke smelling old church, with swinging doors and people who could hand me my life back. I could finally rest, give up my quest to fill the hole and stop the caos my world had become. I started to fill that hole without even knowing it. By the simple act of self acceptance, self love. I started to examine past choices, started to see them for what they are, just past choices, not to be repeated again, and to move on. I started to take care of myself because I am worthy of loving, and giving, and celebrating this thing called life. Some days even though I have so long to go, the learning will never end, the changing and growth, but I can have moments of such joy and it's because I allow myself to love myself. I wish there was a little bottle of "self-love" and I could run around giving everyone I meet a tsp. of that magic. The world would surely be a better place to be, because when you love yourself, you stop focusing on yourself, you allow yourself to love, to be loved, to understand, to be understood, to forgive, and to be forgiven. The key to happiness lies in each of us, if only we venture in that darkness and look for it...for you see there is a light at the end of the tunnel, its our inner light and may it always be an eternal flame for all of us........

Morning surprise.........

The alarm went off and after I dragged my body out of bed, I realized it's Friday. I don't know why Friday holds so much hope as a day of the week. Maybe it's because you know you don't have to set the alarm tonight, you can stay up late and not worry about the consequences, or that two whole days are just yours to do what you want (not always but most of the time). Whatever the reason I tend to move a little quicker on Friday mornings. I came downstairs, walked into the kitchen, and there on the table was a surprise for me. My husband had built me a brand new windowbox. It's beautiful. Red cedar and smells so wonderful. This particular box will replace the one that used to hang under the large kitchen window. I love this box. It hangs outside the kitchen and faces south so the flowers grow crazy in the sun. At times they even trail to the ground. You can sit at the table and hear the soft buzzing of the bees, and smell the sweetness of the flowers that the breeze carries through the screen. I can't wait to hang it, and fill it with gorgeous flowers. When my daughter was born, we built another box for her window so she can open her blinds and be greeted by happy flowers. I am most contented when I'm working out in the sun, in the gardens, being sung to by happy bees, and entertained by butterflies. Yes, to me the closest thing to heaven is a beautiful garden. I am so grateful to have such a pretty city yard, filled with flowers and plants. Not that it isn't a lot of work, but for my alcoholic mind it channels that energy and restores peace. I have a few projects I'm working on: an old door, an old chair etc.. and I plan on placing these in my gardens. I also noticed that I could do some more weeding, so since the weather is suppose to be sunny and in the 60's I have my weekend plans.
It's funny how coming to sobriety has made my life so much more simplistic. The caos of "life" pops up, rocks the boat a little but sooner than later is disappears. The house will be quiet unless my oldest son has friends over, but the most I hear is just the beat of rock music coming from his room. I'm working through my fourth step. Resentments isn't coming so easy. Any suggestions? I have a few, but am afraid I might be missing some by not knowing what I'm looking for. I mean I've accidentally dug out perrennials by not paying attention so I'm sure I could miss this as well. I'm viewing resentments as things I have chewed over and over in my mind. It's funny how long ago some of those happened. I like the fact that in sobriety you can step back and take a good look at yourself. With some of the things I see, I have to laugh or I would be overwhelmed. What a pain in the _ss I was. But what a joy to take note of it so I don't repeat that behavior again. Sobiety is a lot like gardening, there's beauty there but also a lot of weeds, some plants need to be moved, others nutured, and others removed entirely. What a big job this is, but so is gardening, and I know when all is said and done the rewards can be amazing....

Off Balance......

Thursday and I'm a bit off balance. Not feeling the best and this is a week that has brought mixed experiences and feelings. I attended an all day seminar that I had completely forgotten about. This required that I make arrangements to get the kids to and from school at the last minute. Then I find out that another blogger has decided to call it quits. This makes me sad, as I value all the bloggers I've come to know. But I understand.So while I'm feeling blue my sponsor calls and she has an infection in her left eye that has now settled into her cheek. She's not allowed to work or be in contact with other humans until she gets the clear from the Doctor. So we won't be working together Friday night. My husband is heading up north, and my daughter is staying with my mother. My schedule has been flipped upside down and backwards. Living life on life's terms. Hmmmm.....I like my schedule, my routine. Like discipline I enjoy the familiarity of a routine. It makes me feel secure, I know what to expect. This is funny since my husband said to me the other day, "I got used to the person you used to be". Ahhhh, so did I. Perhaps that's why I cling to routine, it's something that gives me assurance when new sobriety has me spinning in all directions. And yet part of me says I need to step out of my comfort zone. I need to go with the flow. I've found some of my old habits creeping up on me this week. Irritability, impatience, exhaustion and hunger. So today I will go home, exercise, eat and head to a meeting. If it's one thing I can count on, it's the fact that I will get strength, hope and encouragment from my fellow AA peeps. My higher power doesn't change either, he is always their for strength. And if I really think about it the only thing that can be adjusted is my reaction. I don't have to slip back into my old ways just becuase I'm out of sorts. This is life, I need to learn to accept life on life's terms. Do I always like it? NO!!!!! am I willing to try something thaat works, so I will stand up a little taller, straighten up my posture, and ask God to guide me. Grateful to be sober today......

The Big, Bad Wolf.......

This used to be an almost daily sight to me. I always had wine on hand. I loved the elegance of holding a glass of wine. It made me feel pretty, smart, sophisticated, and I knew the rich dark liquid that it held would make me feel even prettier, smarter, and more sophisticated. LIE I stopped by parent's house on the way home last night to say "HI" and visit with their darling doggy, and my mother brought up the subject that Diane Sawyer had just done a report on the rise of alcoholism in wine drinkers. I could totally understand why. I mean let's face it in every magazine, TV adds, TV shows, wine has become the new standard. You get the message that you are hip, successful, and have arrived if you meet your friends out for a glass of wine. (I never got the "a" glass part right) I mean how easily accessible. You can hit Target or even Walgreens, pick up what you need, and grab a bottle of wine as you are headed out the door. At our Walgreen's the wine is located right across from the pain reliever section. (rather ironic I believe) I do not blame our culture for my alcoholism, no one ever forced it down my throat, but in some ways it reminds me of Little Red Riding Hood. Just like the big bad wolf dressed up like grandma, that fabulous glass of wine isn't going to tell you that it's contents are cunning, baffling, and powerful. It will wait until it lures you in and then it will feed your head with all the things you want to hear. I know, I was seduced by wine for many years. I know people who still are, and I see people being sucked in on a daily basis. It's like an oderless gas, you can't tell when it's around but it will kill you.

That's the seriousness of the disease. We can laugh, make little jokes, remember a time when we did something totally crazy (although it wasn't crazy at the time) but the true nature of the beast is destruction. I hear about alcoholics whose children are alcoholics, or how they have watched a love one die to alcoholism, or how all their siblings are also alcholics. It just keeps seeping, quietly creeping in and around our lives. So how do you beat this? How do you keep one step ahead of the game? With discipline. When I first heard about discipline in a meeting I thought they were referring to just 'not drinking'. It wasn't until later that I realized alcoholics need discipline in all they do. I need it for my daily meditation with God, my constant interaction with mankind, making meetings, working the steps, turning my will over to God, being accountable for my actions and choices. Discipline can help us stay focused, it gives us a guideline for living. I never realized how out of control and undisciplined I was before I came to the program. Discipline also makes me take care of myself and if I do these things it gives me a very priceless gift in return: the ability to live a life without alcohol. I no longer fear the "big, bad, Wolf" I'm not waiting to get suckered in any more. I no longer have to see the big teeth, or ears, or eyes of alcohol to be aware of the dangers I'm messing with. I can look at a glass of red wine and no that it's promises are lies, and haven't I spent enough time lying to myself .......

Looking Truth straight in the eye....

At Saturday morning's AA meeting a woman talked about her "euphoria" with alcohol and drugs. She's been using both on and off since she was 17. She came to AA because her husband said if she didn't he would divorce her. She's been sober off and on for about two years. Her face says it all, she looks tormented. She was explaining her love for alcohol and drugs and then went on to say ,"I don't care, I've stopped drinking and using and I'm miserable. I hate how I feel. I need to do a fourth and fifth step, maybe I'll find happiness. I don't know how you all can sit here and say you're happy because I'm not. I was such a high achiever, a great mother, a high functioning alcoholic. And every day I miss it!" I went home and was pondering this testimony when it dawned on me what she was really missing was truth. One of the first things my sponsor told me was to be truthful. Have courage and look truth straight in the eye because it will make the journey possible. Alcohol lies to us, makes us think we are high functioning people when in reality we are out of control. I told myself the same thing, "I'm a great mother" sure I could provide for all their needs, but I never gave of myself. Now my children get my full attention, I listen to their stories, laugh with them, empathize with them and give them what they need the most: ME! They now see a human mother, one who has faults, makes mistakes, and yet loves, and laughs, and gives. I was so glad this lady spoke because it allowed me to see all the things that I used to tell myself. All the little deceptions that alcohol used to whisper in my ear. I now know that alcohol has nothing to do with truth. It's a wasteland that just destoys all it holds captive.

Saturday evening my friend and fellow AA told his story. We share a special bond because he was the person who answered the hotline the day I called. He is always very encouraging to me and others. My husband attended this event with me. He was pretty quiet on the way home, and before I would have picked at him until he finally told me what was on his mind. Now I let him tell me when he wants to. I'm not feeling the need to micromanage so much these days. I thanked him for coming and he said I was welcome. Later when we went to bed he revealed his fears, his worries, and the fact that I was changing so fast that he couldn't process it all. I said "That's OK I can't process it fast enough myself". It was wonderful to talk, to be truthful with one another. Sunday brought sunshine, and friends for dinner. My best friend and I took a long walk together and talked and our children played until dark. It was a good day. Tonight I begin work on the fourth step. My sponsor told me not to fear it, not to beat myself up with shame and guilt. Just take out the skeletons, take a look at them, and see what you can learn from them. I'm ready, even though the change is coming at a fast pace, my HP, my sponsor, the program and my peeps are all there to see me through. Change is good, change is truth, and for once change is right on time......

Fridays at the busy house........

When I was still drinking Friday nights were to say the least a nightmare. My oldest son always has one or two buddies staying over, and if you've ever watched 15 yr. olds eat you know you can't have enough food and milk in the house. Not to mention their size 13 shoes all piled up by the back door and the rock music blaring loudly. My two smaller children had most of the neighborhood in our backyard or in the house playing, and I was always running "this one here" and "that one there". I always ended the day with an extended cocktail hour and would crawl into bed feeling no pain. All this activity used to drive me crazy. I felt like the Grinch when he's looking down at the Who's and he says, "The Noise, oh the Noise!" I was always trying to run and hide. I thought my skin was crawling most of the time, and all I wanted was peace. Well what a difference two months makes. My house is still as busy as ever: tonight my daughter is going to a "friendship gathering" with all the little girls in her class, I need to pick up my youngest son, and the oldest with his friends, go back to work for an hour, pick up my daughter, go home, get my middle son, a quick trip through Target, drop them off at a friends and head home to meet my sponsor at 6:00. Whew, just thinking about it is exhausting. But what has changed is my attitude: extra kids at the house means my children are sociable and have lots of friends, other kids feel comfortable in our home which is a good thing, I have a life that is busy and full, and I get to spend my Friday nights with an awesome woman who is my sponsor working the steps. I will go to bed sober, read, and wake up minus a hangover. I just am in awe how fast and how many good things have happened in my live in just two months. Tonight my sponsor and I start the fourth step. She called me yesterday and asked me if I was ready. I was able to say yes without fear. When people first talked about their fourth step I was terrified. I don't want to look at all that stuff! But now that I've worked steps one through three I am ready. I won't take this journey alone. God, my sponsor, and all those who support me will be there. I need to open up the closet and dig all those "skeletons" out. It's time.

Tomorrow will be busy with the school carnival, and my 11:00 AA meeting. Working on projects around the house and attending a speaker meeting at 7:00. The person who is speaking is the man who answered the hotline the day I called. We have since become friends, and I have a special fondness for his journey as he made the difference for me to be able to walk through those doors. I am glad that I will get to hear his story. I asked my husband to come with me...there was a pause on the line...and then he said YES! I almost fell over. We are making progress little by little. Not perfection, but progress is right where I want to be. Tomorrow also marks my 2 month anniversary. I am eternally grateful to God, this program, all who support me ( u bloogers are awesome) and I am heading forward and I am
ready to become the person God always meant me to be.......