No More Merlot

Flash 55 Friday

2012-02-16T09:20:00.001-08:00

Simplified

It's not the chocolates,
the flowers, or the cards
No gold crown store will
ever get rich on us,
No romantic dinners or candles,
and Victoria's secrets
But the scraping of the windshield, the
warming of my car, cleaning up the dishes,
while I take a long bath, these
are Valentines that last and last.....

It's not that I'm not a romantic but I appreiate the little things now. While people at work were receiving boquets of flowers, or munching on chocolates I was treated to my car windshield being scraped, the interior warmed, dishes cleaned up after dinner, and an opportunity to take a long uninterrupted bath...these are the thoughtful things we do for those we love, on a daily basis, not just once a year. Sweet! Have a great weekend.....

Entitlement

2012-02-15T09:59:00.000-08:00

I love books. It's true, besides alcohol I can say books are another addiction of mine. I am pretty sure I came out of the womb reading because I can't remember a time when I couldn't. I'm like some wired nutcase in a bookstore. I love the colors, the titles, the shapes. Good thing I never seem to have a lot of extra money or I would go wild and keep buying books.

To counter my ever growing library my husband and oldest child thought a Nook Tablet would be a great place for me to store my books. However it just gave me another resource for reading and I am often reading one physical book and one Nook book at the same time. So imagine my utter devestation when I found out our oldest child had Dyslexia. I remember being so confused that the child could draw, and create, and build enormous Lego creations but couldn't read simple books.

He struggled for years, we took out a loan and sent him for special tutoring. It wasn't until he was in the sixth grade and a teacher told us that he spelled phonetically that we began to sense there was something else going on. Sure enough, he had Dyslexia. He was missing an entire area of "bank words". Words that all of us know and tuck away. His grades and self-esteem were struggling. He had to see a psychiatrist. I was devestated. How could my child not have my love of the written word?

(Are you catching all the I's?) Well he had a lot more tutoring after that and today he is planning to go to college. He's taking AP courses, could have graduated a semester early and has a 3.9 GPA. In other words he's just fine. So it shouldn't have come as a surprise that his younger brother and sister would also struggle with the same learning disability. Our middle son has just a touch but with regular tutoring he stays on track. Our daughter is a different story.

She has some ADD along with her Dyslexia. But where her older brother could grasp and move on, she works at a much different place. This made me frustrated. She gets tutored a lot. Like five days a week. Her progress at times is very slow. And then in the next breath, she's brilliant. A puzzle for sure. So a few days ago I headed to a conference with her reading specialist. I knew what to expect, I knew what was going to be said, part of me didn't even want to go. But as usual my HP has bigger plans than me. I went, I shut my mouth, and I listened. I came away for once wondering what I could do. Really do....

The answer came in a book I am currently reading. "Unwasted" by Sacha Scoblic is a great book about one woman's journey into sobriety. The author is funny, candid, and not afraid of the truth. And truth is just what she handed me. She was talking about trading one addiction for another. Something I know I'm partial to. Hers was spending instead of drinking. How did she finally kick this habit? By realizing that she wasn't entitled to a lifestyle she thought she was, and she started to accept the life she had.

Bingo! At that moment my whole thought process shifted. I had been so wrapped up in what I thought I was entitled to. A lifestyle without issues, good children with great grades, high achievers, kids that didn't need tutoring, and on and on. How humbling to realize that it wasn't about me. It's about them. My role is to throw out what I thought I was entitled to and to start focusing on what was in the here and now.

Since then I've stepped up to the plate. I've started researching what I can do to help her learn the way she needs to learn. I work with her an extra hour each night. The progress is slow but she's doing fine. She needs me to give her every tool to succeed. I can do that by setting my agenda down. I'm not entitled to a perfect life. I have been given the ability to help her succeed, and I need to use that to be there for her.

I needed this lesson. By laying down what I thought I was entitled to I was able to focus on what I've been given. Which are wonderfully, talented, creative, beautiful children who simply learn differently than others. I needed a dose of humility, and I found it in a book about recovery. How awesome is that.....(like I needed another reason to buy more books ;-)

The "oneness" of sobriety,,,,

2012-02-13T11:46:00.000-08:00

I've heard it said at meetings that alcoholism is a selfish disease. Selfish when active and selfish in recovery. Even though the program is a "we" the alcoholic stands alone in the fact that only he or she can become sober. No one else can do it for you. No one can wish it, push it, work your program, make the changes, its all up to the individual. You have to stand in front of the mirror and own that person. With all its baggage. You!

Its hard to be a "one" in a sea of so many. Especailly when you cross over the bridge. At one time you were standing on that cliff, but you started out, you began to leave the others, the more you went forward, the farther back they stayed. Before you knew it, you were across the bridge and standing on the other side. No matter how good you felt, you couldn't bring anyone with you. I'm refering to the February 12th. reading in Melody Beattie's "Language of Letting Go". I have read this reading many times. It reminds me from where I came, where I am now, and exactly what I can do.

It used to upset me. "You mean I can't bring everyone over with me?", "but I want everyone to experience the other side!" I was always a saver. I brought home many stray people, whose family was broken, who had an addiction, who just needed someone I was going to save them all. Funny, all I usually did was break my own heart. I always offered this help wether they asked or not. I'm sure most people were not happy with my ignorant intentions. It wasn't until my sponsor taught me a very important lesson. "The only person you are capable of saving is yourself". At one time I wasn't even sure this was possible. But it comes down to one simple thing: choice.

I chose to save myself. I was saddened when I heard of Whitney Houston's passing, but I wasn't surprised. When I graduated in 1987 Whitney was just beginning to hit her peak. I loved her voice, I loved her look. I still sing to "I Want to Dance With Somebody". However when I started parenthood, college, workforce, etc. I only heard bits and pieces of her life. The abuse both physical, and drug and alcohol, the loss of her once beautiful voice. The Whitney I now saw, was not the Whitney I had adored. She was now ruled by a greater force: addiction. No matter what you feel about her passing the truth of reality is that she had a choice. The choice to face her demons or let them destory her. We know what she chose.

This choice can be a lonely one to make. It requires focusing only on what it takes to keep yourself sober. The people that you have hurt, and are waiting for apologies, and living ammends have to sometimes wait, and be patient, while the alcoholic gets their life together. Yes, this is unfair. I had wanted to fix it all in one year, but in many areas of my life, I'm only beginning. It's God's time not mine. My agenda has little to do with it. But I had a choice, you have a choice. No one ever poured a drink down my throat. I did it all myself. Regardless if life seems to big to cope with you still have a choice. I am grateful I chose well. You can cheer others on still left behind, you encourage them to come over the bridge, you can be so happy when they do but you can't carry it for them.

The "oneness" of sobriety seems to be daunting unto itself. But its necessary. You need to know that you can make it. That you have the ability along with your HP to walk across the bridge. You have the ability to make the right choice.....

Flash 55 Friday

2012-02-09T10:48:00.001-08:00

February Daze

The sun came knocking
at my back door,
so I opened it wide
and let him come in
He gracefully poured through
the clear plexiglass frame
and quietly spread his
arms full of warmth, across
the kitchen floor and down
the basement steps as the black
cat purred and closed
his green eyes in thanks.....

The other day when I was home, I opened the door to let the sun shine through the storm glass and our black cat Coal was delighted to doze in the warmth. All afternoon he followed the trail of beams until the afternoon turned cool and the sun started to sink. We have been blessed with a very mild winter and I am glad to see the days growing longer. Hoping you all have an awesome weekend :-)

Two years....

2012-02-08T11:07:00.000-08:00

Life is very interesting... in the end, some of your greatest pains, become your greatest strengths.
Drew Barrymore Quote for Overcoming Addiction

This past Monday (Feb. 6th.) marked my 43rd. birthday and my second sober birthday. I remember my first year very well. I think I was shaky for at least the first three months. Very quick to cry, tired, emotionally spent, spiritually bankrupt. Desperate for change. I was lucky, change came.

I have an awesome sponsor. She taught me many things. To love myself, to stand on my own two feet, to put on my big girl panties and face the music, to depend on my HP for strength, to lean on others, to live, to laugh, to love, to love life. She's tough. I never got away with anything. She made me own my sobriety. She became my friend, and she walked every step of the way by my side. I know not all sponsors are created equal. I was one of the fortunate few who chose well, and was given what I needed. For that I am eternally grateful.

I have many friends in AA. People of all walks of life. I can honestly say I never saw the differences only the similarities. They made me feel like I was home. That my disease was no more or no less of a disease than theirs. I love these people. They are my fix, my piece of sanity, my sanctuary when I need to be around those that understand me.

I have had more happen to me in my second year than even I could have imagined. Things I couldn't have prepared myself for, but at least now I had the tools for living to at least deal with these issues and not with a bottle of Vodka. I have faced some fears that seemed larger than life, only to find out how really small they were. I have finally let go, ceased fighting everything and everyone. I know what serenity is.

I have a peace of mind that I didn't know existed. Even when life deals me an unfortunate hand, I can play it and move on. I now know that everything will be ok, if not for today, then for tomorrow. I have stepped out of the shadows and into the sunlight. I am grateful for these many lessons.

Life is full of choices. I didn't even know I had a choice, but I do. So do you. I don't always choose well, I'm a work in progress and I hope to never be finished. I also share this special day with a special sober sister: Sober Julie over at "Sober Julie Doing Life". I do not think it was coincidental that we met blogging, it was meant to happen.

I no longer set grandiose expectations for myself. I celebrate all days. There's a lot of joy in the small things. The warmth of the sun pouring in through the windows, a kind word from a stranger, an unexpected hug, the laughter of a child. These are the things that make life sustainable, worth living. And I am grateful I was able to realize this before it was too late. Happy Birthday to me and I hope I have many more....Thank you all for being part of my recovery.......

Precious life......

2012-02-01T10:52:00.000-08:00

The Summer Day
Mary Oliver
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

What will you do with your one wild and precious life? This past weekend was the funeral of a friend. This particular family has suffered its share and then some of grief. Four years prior we attended the funeral of their teenage son. This time we said good-bye to the father. How very sad. This man who had a very big heart was gone at the young age of 44. Three children now without a father. The grief was and is very heavy.

Your heart breaks for those left to grieve, for questions you can't answer, for pain you can't take away. Hundreds came to the wake, to say their goodbyes, the church was full for the funeral. I'm always hoping that when someone passes they are able to see how much they were loved. Love and grief were every where.

At the cemetary, during the burial, I looked up. Into a cold January sky, as the clouds were parting, the sun and blue sky struggling to peek through, and the wind whipping the temps frigid. What a time to be alive. To feel the sting on your cheeks, the cold penetrating your lungs. I didn't realize until that moment how when I was drinking, I never would have been aware of those small details. I'm pretty sure I was numb to just about anything. But on this particular day they were so very clear.

Afterwards at the "celebration of life" we sat with friends, and recalled memories, and laughed, and hugged, and cried, and loved. So much love in that place. How deeply grateful I was to be in that moment. To be alive. To have been given a chance to start again. To not have settled for what I considered the "norm". To know that there was something better waiting for me. My life.

Later in the evening we celebrated our son Sam's birthday. It's always ironic how death holds hands with life. To see his sweet face lit by the candles on his cake. The excitement openning gifts. The taste of cake and ice cream in my mouth. As I crawled into bed Saturday night, my head was numb. My eyes heavy. I turned to my favorite poet; Mary Oliver. The book opened to the page which contained the above poem. How fitting it was, how comforting.

In this short span of life may all of us realize just how precious this life is. May we not get to the point of thinking there is no way out. May we feel cold on our cheeks, laughter in our belly's and love in our bones. That one single moment opened my eyes to just how awesome life can be. Regardless if its in a moment of happiness or an intense moment of sadness. It's still life. It's still worth being in the moment. As yourself, "What will you do with your one wild and precious life?" I know the answer for myself......I choose to be alive. Alive in all the moments that come my way, and I hope you choose the same. Blessings.....

Flash 55 Friday

2012-01-26T14:08:00.000-08:00

Cloudless Night

Stepping to the back porch
on a cloudless winter night,
my breath explodes in a veil
of fog, limbs stiffen as
cold penetrates my bones, the boards creak
as I make my way down the stairs,
lost in the enormity of the darkness,
I tip my head back to drink in
the star filled sky.......

How gorgeous are winter nights? I am always amazed at how still and deep they are. They hold a beauty so different than summer. It almost makes me want to hold my breath so I do not disturb the perfect silence. Hoping you all have an awesome weekend!

When the tides turn.....

2012-01-24T11:03:00.000-08:00

In my almost two years belonging to AA I've come to appreciate those "oh so special" moments. You know the ones: when someone reaches a month, when someone walks through some garbage, when someone has even the slightest revelation, these are all reasons to celebrate. And last Saturday was no exception.

It's a story about "L". L was there on my first night through the doors. She came up to me and gave me a hug, and told me to keep coming back. The next day I sat next to L as she gave me a big smile when I walked into the meeting and afterwards we talked and she told me a bit about herself. She was a teacher, she struggled with drugs and alcohol. She had been coming to AA for over a year because her husband said he would divorce her if she didn't and she hadn't managed to string more than three weeks of sobriety together in that years time.

This scared me to death. I thought, "OMG is it this hard?" If she can't get three weeks together in a year what am I going to do. Fortunately for myself, I had reached the bottom. I never wanted to wake up hungover on a Saturday with a pounding headache thinking, "there's got to be something better than this"! I found my sponsor and never looked back.

Unfortunately for L that wasn't the case. I saw her go through numerous sponsors, numerous treatment programs, in and out of the door. Crying, angry, complaining, mad because she couldn't drink like normal people. I saw her trying to hang onto a lifestyle that no longer worked and resisting one that could save her. She looked like hell. This sweet little petite lady, was so full of pain you could physically feel it just by looking at her face. She had a using son, who she was so busy trying to save, that she forgot to save herself. It was hard to watch.

She finally hit bottom. She went to Texas for an extensive treatment. When she returned to the rooms of AA three months later, she was given a dose of "tough love". She was told to "show up, shut up, and work the program". And little by little (sometimes slowly) she did. She surrendered. The rope was finally released from her grip, the program allowed to work.

Last Saturday she celebrated a year! I wanted to give her a standing ovation. Gone is the scared, tired look. She has a bit of peace, she has a smile. She is willing to listen, and to learn. In other words she is willing to go to any length to stay sober. She talked about not knowing who she was, and she's just beginning to find that out. How awesome it will be to watch her become the person she is meant to be.

After the meeting I stopped in one of my favorite book stores. I inquired about one of the owner's spouses who has been in AA longer than me but has really struggled. The last time I saw this person they had just hit a year, they were grossly underweight, and struggling minute to minute. The owner told me to check out where they worked and see for myself. As I was about to leave the shop L walked in. We burst out laughing and threw out arms around each other. How awesome it was to tell her how proud I was to be in this great program together. A moment I would have loved to savor.

I headed over to the place where the other AA member worked and boy was I surprised. A complete transformation had taken place. Healthy weight gain, a big smile, confidence and two years sober! How sweet is that! Sometimes I come home from those meetings walking on air. I just want to bottle up all that joy and use it for later.

But life has a funny way of keeping things real. Sunday I received a call telling me about the passing of someone we knew. This person didn't make it to the other side. They reached out but didn't think they could make it through the pain to get to the other side. Your heart breaks, you know things could have been different. But I've learned it's not for me to know the reason why, to reconcile anything, it's not for me to question. I felt as much sadness the last few days as I did joy. They seem to go hand in hand at times.

Living life on life's terms was not something I embraced. It has now become a part of me. Without sadness we could never experience joy, without joy we wouldn't survive the sadness. Each and every day the sun will still rise and it will still set, what you choose to do with that time will make all the difference.....

Friday Flash 55

2012-01-19T14:55:00.000-08:00

Winter Sigh....

I stood at the upstairs window
head resting against the frame
my bare feet frozen in time,
my heart filled with silence.
Everything is white, frigid, and
still. No peeks of green, or flutter
of iridescent wings. No buzzing, no breeze,
or late afternoon shade. I am paralyzed
by the longing of sweet mother spring......

My January blues. The weather has turned wicked, -25 below wind chills. As I open the blinds in the morning and stare down into my sleeping gardens I long for warmer times. Keep safe, keep sober, and keep warm!!!!!

Revisiting the "F & P"

2012-01-11T11:32:00.000-08:00

Driving with a friend the other night we were talking of someone we knew. I said, "What is it that keeps T from letting go?", to which she replied "Fear and Pain"! Yes the dreaded F and P. We don't really need a drug of choice to keep us from growing, we have our own minds to do that for us.

So because I'm alcoholic, and my mind likes to "hamster wheel" every once in a while I started to think back about my own pain and fears. First of all the fact that I can acknowledge the fact that I was full of both is a milestone. You see I was always the tough one. I wasn't going to be intimidated or put down. I held my own. Held my own what? glass of wine? mixed drink? In reality I didn't hold a damn thing.

Like a house of cards, I built my "illusion" world. I put on the good front, talked the talk, kept up appearances, said the right things, and all it would have taken is for one little breath of air to blow my world apart! Funny how we can fool ourselves into thinking even the most fragile of identities is better than facing our real selves.

So since my world was quickly falling apart I had to do something before the cards collapsed and so that something was AA. Little did I know that I would be confronted with pain, fear, and a million other insecurities that I had picked up along the way! The first was taking a good look in the mirror. That was frightening. Who was that bloated, tired, train wreck? It certainly couldn't be me, I mean I didn't look like that. Upon closer inspection yes, it is me. What the hell happened? How did I age so fast? Why did I look like a deer in the headlights?

Because I was a deer in the headlights! I didn't know who the hell I was and I was terrified of finding out. I was afraid of the past! I never wanted to deal with pain, and I wanted an easier softer way out of this whole mess. But the only easy way was to keep drowning my sorrows in the bottom of the glass every night. So I remembered that "the only fear I had to fear was fear itself"! As I began to look at the past, it was painful, I was scared, but each day got a little better, and before I knew it fear was such a small little misquito that it no longer mattered. Pain like most feelings unless chronic can be short lived as well.

I had let my whole world be dictated by fear, a fear that I had created. The fear of the unknown, and what pain may go with it. It kept me spinning my wheels for years. How wonderful it is to move forward. Do I still have fears? Of course, but I keep it more in line now. It no longer rules me, or wastes valuable energy. And pain is part of life. I don't have to like it, but I can live with it when it happens. This is growth. I began to understand T so much better when I took a stroll down memory lane. I too, was so afraid of the "f & P"! I guess it can happen to all of us, I'm just thankful I found out it wasn't so scary after all!

Fear can make us do crazy things. It can ruin or waste an entire life. But it's also part of life. I was straightening my son's tie and smoothing the lapels of his tuxedo as he was getting ready for his first formal dance the other night. At 17 he is still trying to fit into his own skin. He was nervous, he was fearful. Fear of the unknown. I did the only thing I could do as his mother, smile and say, "go have a great time"! He sighed and headed out the door. Later at the grand march, he had an enormous smile on his face and was proud to be escorting his friend Heather. He had faced the fear, and he was surviving just fine. I couldn't protect him from it anymore than I could protect myself from it.

Face, embrace it, but most of all move on. Lay it down. See it for what it's worth, but never let it keep you from growing and becoming the person you are suppose to be. "F & P" they're just random letters in the alphabet! :)

No resolutions......

2012-01-03T10:19:00.000-08:00

I've been hearing people talk of their "New Year's resolutions" throughout the office today. I've read some on facebook, and listen to friends tell me theirs, but mine is quite simple: I have no resolutions to make.

Every year I would come up with a grand list of things I wanted to improve. My weight, my pettiness, my job, my marriage, etc. and two to three weeks in I had crashed and burned on almost all of them. This in turn helped erode my self esteem, and made me feel like I couldn't do a whole lot to change anything so why try?!

What makes me laugh is that in all those years of resolutions I never said: "this year I'm going to stop drinking!" I never saw drinking as anything to get rid of. In fact it wasn't until February of 2010 that the concept of AA even dawned on me. But that realization that I needed to quit was a resolution that would change my life forever.

You see I like surface changes. They are easy. Color your hair differently, loose weight, whiten your teeth, smile more. These are fast and effective ways of making one feel they are accomplishing something. I had very little desire to dig deeper and find out the root of why I couldn't keep a resolution. Did I really want to go there? Well whether I did or not, AA took me there.

The first time my sponsor and I met to work in the big book, and to work the steps she said, "I'm going to give you the greatest gift I can, I'm going to teach you to love yourself". Right away I thought, "but I do like myself", I just didn't get the love part. In fact as we moved through the steps I found out I didn't like or love myself in the least. That's why I couldn't keep a resolution, because I never felt I deserved it.
So why should I be able to achieve it?

As the months passed, and I slowly began to figure out who I was, liking myself became natural. Now almost two years in I can say with confidence, "I love myself". I have many faults, many areas that could use signifigant improvement but that's what life is for. For working on areas that need it. I have self esteem, I deserve a good life, I can be of use to others.

So that's why I don't make resolutions anymore. Each day of every year is an opportunity for growth and change. And let's be honest there are plenty of days that I don't feel like changing, or improving, I don't feel like taking an honest look at myself. But then again there are days that I can, and growth comes, and change follows.

My sponsor looked at me the other day and said, "it's awesome watching you become the woman you were meant to be". I smiled and said, "the gift of self love was one of the best I have ever recieved". Sure will power, determination, a goal, a prize are all great motivators but if you don't understand yourself, love yourself, or believe in yourself you will fall short every time.

Are there things I want to do this year? Sure, but I won't place them in a box, or a resolution. I will acknowledge them, I will welcome them, and I will let them happen in the time they are suppose to. I will always need improving in almost every area, but I like the core package, it's strong, it's sweet, it's funny, it's loving, it's serious, it's alcoholic, it's me. And I like "me" now, and I will like me in the future!

New Year's blessings to you all......

Silent Night.....

2011-12-27T10:40:00.000-08:00

Another Christmas come and gone. It was the first Christmas I truly enjoyed since I was a child. Even last year, my first sober Christmas was marked with a kind of uneasiness. Like I was expecting the "other shoe" to drop at any moment. I was also scared that I wouldn't be able to cope with the stress of the season without a little help. This year was definately different.

Perhaps it's because I just let go. Let go of all the preconceived notions of what I thought the holidays were suppose to be like. I used to be so hard on myself. I had to have the perfect decorations, the perfect cards, the gifts everyone wanted, the perfect tree. I no longer feel this way. The picture cards of the kids turned out great, I put up an artificial tree, I wrapped a few presents with my daughter on Christmas Eve, and I released a much needed pressure valve.

What is it about alcoholics and perfection? Do we set our standards so high, that it's impossible to reach them? Because when failure comes we almost wallow in it. It always gave me an excuse to drink. OMG, this holiday stuff is too stressful, where's the Vodka? I just know something is going to go wrong! Or do we just love drama, and if there isn't drama we can surely create it. Or did I just finally grow up and realize that all of the stuff that I thought made up Christmas really didn't. In fact it has very little to do with the holiday. This was made ever so clear to me Christmas Eve night.

The two youngest were fast asleep, my hubby and oldest were watching TV, and I went out to attend the 9;30 pm candle light meeting at the Alano club. Our club is an old church, and when I got there the table was set up in a big square,and soft Christmas lights twinkled. The air had an aroma of chocolate and coffee, and the spirit of fellowship was everywhere. I sat next to my sponsor who was chairing this meeting, and as you spoke, you lit your candle. It was a gratitude meeting, and the gratitude poured fourth.

So many people who had spent a Christmas or two in jail. Others whose families had outed them. One young man had spent last year locked in his apartment with a bottle of booze, and two vials of pills, determined it would be the last holiday he would spend alone. His face glowed with a year of sobriety. He was happy to be in that room. Another member talked about dealing with his aging parents whose alzheimer's was so difficult to accept. How the steps of AA where making it possible for him to survive.

It was during this meeting, as I looked at the happy and grateful people around me that the true meaning of the season became quite clear. It's not the wrappings, the cost, the time. It's giving yourself the best gift you can give. Trust to a higher power, trust in your fellow man, and trust in yourself. This gift of sobriety can't be measured in money, or time, or effort. It's priceless, because it gives you the life you deserve. It gives you serenity.

The peace I felt this year was like no other. The train had stopped roaring down the tracks. I felt quiet, I felt peace. I wanted to ingrain in my brain the glowing faces of all my fellow AA's in that room. Miracles really do happen, and angels really do walk among us. My step felt light as I walked down the snowy sidewalk, and the church bells chimed midnight. Christmas was here, and I had just witnessed the best gift of all! Peace......

What defines a person

2011-12-22T09:41:00.000-08:00

In my first year of sobriety I took the role of "recovering" alcohol very seriously, as I should. Sometimes I think too seriously. I was letting the role of "recovering alcoholic" define me. Everything I did or said had my recovery in the background. I wonder if this wasn't a big of a defense mechanism for my own fear.

Fear that if I wasn't serious, then neither was my recovery. I was set on being a bit more serious, not so "flighty" as I was in my drinking days. I felt I had something to prove to those around me. That I was an example that should be followed. What a crock of "you know what"! The truth is I wasn't comfortable with my own sobriety. Like the disease I was letting it push me around. I was using it to hide behind. I was using my recovery to "be safe".

I didn't realize any of this until just last weekend. We were invited to an annual Christmas party, and I happen to wander into the family room where a beautiful wood fire was. I sat down next to the warmth when a person walked into the room and said, "oh, is this where the non-drinkers are"? I know they didn't mean anything by it, and this person knows I'm a recovering alcoholic, and yet I was a little taken aback. I should have replied, "no, this is where someone who wants to enjoy a nice fire goes"!

What this statement made me realize is that I don't want to be defined by my alcoholism. I'm me, just a person, not a drinker or nondriker. I have a disease, and I choose to not drink. However there are many other aspects of me: funny, witty, kind, compassionate, observant, intelligent etc. and I don't want to be labeled. I have no problem being a non drinker but it shouldn't define who I am. I sat amongst many drinkers and nondrinkers that night, and joked, and laughed, and had a great time.

And you know what? I didn't need to bring drinking into it to be myself. My alcohlism will always be a part of me. I will always need to be aware of the danger zone, but it doesn't dictate how I live. I choose not to drink. I choose to be sober. I also choose to laugh, and love, and live a full life! Alcoholism is a small part of me, the sober package makes up something so much better! Smiles......

Put me down for the simple life....

2011-12-13T11:39:00.000-08:00

At a recent AA meeting "J" brought up the fact that he was struggling with a decision. To stay where he was or to go back to Chicago from where he came. He's been sober three months, and now it's time for him to return home and he's torn. He knows that there's more job opportunities, friends, and family in Chicago, more stuff happening, but he doesn't want to leave our little town. When asked why, he said, "it's the first time in my life that my brain has been quiet. I feel peaceful from my head to my toes".

According to the AA big book we can go anywhere if we are spiritually sound. J isn't feeling it. He's worried that once he hops aboard the "crazy train" of his former life he will derail within seconds. To me this is a legitimate fear. Those playmates and playgrounds can be hard to leave behind. Or can they?

Many people took this dilemma as an opportunity to share what worked for them. Many told stories of how when they sobered up how their "so called good friends" never called anymore. One man said he's pretty sure those friends are still waiting for him to come out of the bathroom five years later! But what I really think it comes down to is how much you value yourself and your sobriety.

I am aware of how I now protect my sobriety. I often say to people when asked how I do it, "well, no drink tastes as good as sober feels". I truly believe that. I guard my sobriety like a precious treasure. I guess its because of self worth. I never realized that I deserved anything better than the mess I had made of things. I let myself fall into miserable traps over and over again because I thought it was my destiny. Sobering up gave me a choice. A choice to do things differently.

Did I have to change playgrounds. Of course. I can go to alcohol related events or places now that I am confident in my recovery but I didn't at first. It didn't feel right. Did I have to change friends? Not so much. But I don't get together socially as much as I used to because I love being at home with my family. I love my role as wife, mother, daughter, friend, worker, poet, writer, gardener, ect. but at one time those roles overwhelmed me. I couldn't do it all, of course not, AA taught me I am all those things, but one at a time. I set boundaries, I know when to leave, and I will not jeopardize my sobriety. In other words "I will go to any length" to keep sober.

To many people who do not suffer from the disease of alcoholism this "length" seems a bit over emphasized. I mean I've had people say to me, "you probably don't need those meetings anymore". Excuse me? I choose those meetings, because in those rooms people get me. I laugh, I cry, I never have to explain myself. I am 100% accepted and because of that acceptance my sobriety works. I do need those meetings, as I need my sobriety.

So I guess you can put me down for the simple life. I like my Friday nights, watching "GoldRush" in my pj's with my hubby and the kids. Popping popcorn, or making cookies, or singing the "Rainbow Connection" with my daughter at the "Muppets" movie. I spent too long thinking the grass was greener somewhere else. It never is, in fact it's usually brown. I'll keep my simplicity, because it helps me keep my sobriety. What about you?........

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas......

2011-12-05T14:50:00.000-08:00

And I don't mean the fresh snow that fell this weekend, or the Salvation Army bell ringers, or the shoppers, the decorations, or the caroles. I mean the meeting rooms of AA. Where an average Saturday meeting is around 50, attendance is up by about another 30 people. Right before Thanksgiving I noticed the change, and its been steadily climbing for the last few weeks. I feel an anxiousness, a desperation, a totally scared out of one's mind kinda vibe.

This got me pondering. What is it about this year that can send people crawling out of their own skin. Is it the commercialism of Christmas? It's in the stores the day after if not before Halloween. The constant reminders of we have so many days before Christmas. The adds, the flyers, "Black Friday", "Cyber Monday"! Adds on TV showing people receiving flat screens, smart pads, smart phones, and for goodness sake let's not forget the a brand new Lexus with a big red bow in the driveway. Perhaps we set our expectations of what we think happiness is just a bit to high....

Or is it the landscape. Brown, barren, stark. A reminder that summer's kiss is long behind us, that (in my part of the country) the long winter lies ahead. All the flowers and leaves are gone, the grass is crispy white. The swings hang quietly in the fast darkening afternoons. The bare bones trees sway empty armed in the wind. Too often the sun doesn't make an appearance for days. This can have an effect on everyone.

Or is it that the year is in it's last month. All the things we set out to do last January and just a few accomplished! The diet, the marathon, the relationship, the finances, the on, and on, and on..... once again reminding us of what miserable failures we are. A whole year wasted and a new one fast approaching.

I see the desperation in people's eyes at meetings. They need something tangible to hang on to to get them through the holiday season. A guide, an instruction booklet, a way out, a glimmer of hope. Who has the answer? Where can I find it? How can I share it with those in need.

I was blessed with a lovely case of shingles over the Thanksgiving holiday. And there's nothing like nerve pain, a rash, and itching to give you a little perspective on what this craziness is all about. I've had a nutty year. Had to deal with some things that scared me to death, but I managed to wade through them. I think I started about 15 diets and failed everyone of them. Wanted to accomplish a million things and probably did 4 or 5. But as I layed in the quiet afternoon light on my bed while my daughter read to me, I stared out the window watching the big snowflakes fall and I realized, "it doesn't get any better than this!"

I find I create so many of my own demons. Including those that rear their ugly heads this time of year. I buy into all the hoopla and wind myself up, and start looking for the instruction booklet of how to survive, when it's right in front of me. I just need to step out, slow down, and actually enjoy whats in the here and now. I find myself humming Christmas songs at work, enjoying the lights on the trees as I drive home. Was excited about the first snow fall, and am looking forward to seeing family and friends.

Only we can make ourselves feel anything. Only ourselves can buy into it all. I have to keep myself in check. I don't do well with stress (obviously or I wouldn't have shingles) so I'm taking a lesson from Linus this year, and hopefully I will get to know what Christmas is all about too.......

Chic's rock!!!

2011-10-13T10:57:00.000-07:00

Girl's rule and boys......are cool?! I can't slam on the boys as I am partial to them! But girls really rule when it comes to supporting one another. At Saturday's meeting J a woman who has been struggling all week asked if some women would mind having a first step meeting with her in one of the smaller rooms. So about elleven of us broke off and had a small women's group meeting.

I haven't been to a womens group meeting in over a year. We let J tell us what was on her mind, and then we went around and talked about what worked for us. The message that came out over and over again was that you had to do the work. You alone, we can love and support you but you must walk your own walk. It was so empowering to listen to the personal stories of some of the women I have been privledged to come to know over the last two years. I found myself taking away so much from their experiences, strength, and hope.

It never dawned on me that facing a large room of people could be so terrifing to people. I guess my mentallity is to jump right in, but that doesn't work for everybody. One thing I did realize was that I had learned to listen. Even when J was justifying things her partner was doing, justifying her own behavior, making excuses ect., I just kept my mouth shut and listened. After all who am I to tell her, what I myself didn't know not so long ago. You have to find out on your own. I'm still growing by leaps and bounds, I still have set backs, I still make mega screw ups, but I know to get right back up and into the game. That was something I never did before.

It was easier to throw my hands in the air and say "I give up". I didn't feel like doing the work, so I didn't and like J my life was in a constant state of chaos. But what I didn't relize was that this chaos wasn't normal. I had accepted it as the way my life was. Now I think back and say to myself, really?, You really thought that was normal. Not that there is a definition of normal but when you don't question things that should obviously not be happening, you are headed for trouble.

So now I have the luxury of sitting, and listening, and reflecting. I have the joy of thinking before I speak, of sharing what works for me, not giving advice, or preaching to someone but sharing. J is fragile, scared, confused, fighting surrender with every fiber of her body, and for once I didn't have the urge to jump up and fix her. Because I can't, because I finally know my limitations. There's only one person I can save, and that's myself. I chose to start that journey almost two years ago, and I'm thankful the road keeps stretching before me :)

The promises do come true.....

2011-09-28T09:39:00.000-07:00

Driving home from an away soccer game with six kids and myself in the van, I was able to do some reflecting despite the volume, and the giggling. It was a beautiful autumn evening. The colors on the trees were spectacular, and the sun was dropping low in the sky. Since we were driving through farm country fog was settling on the fields, making the deer that were grazing barely visible. What an awesome time to be alive! I kept thinking that over and over and thanking God. Two years earlier I would not have been feeling this way. I would have been planning how or what I was going to drink to unwind later in the evening.

Pretty pathetic I know. But I no longer beat myself up over it. What's done is done and I need to stay in the present, not dwell in the past. We stopped for a McDonald's dinner with the rest of the team, and then headed home. One of the boy's mothers came later to pick him up and we were laughing at the busy, animal (dog sitting plus we have a new four month old kitten) filled house she walked into. After saying our good-byes I began to pack lunches. So grateful once again for the simplicity of small acts. How I love my busy, jam packed life, and how sobriety lets me enjoy all the moments, good or bad.

My husband and I recently dealt with some things, that last year, I just wasn't ready to confront. I didn't quite have all the tools to do it well. This 'something' has been a source of contention for almost our entire marriage. It was always like a black cloud hovering on the horizon. I decided it was time to walk through the storm and lay it down. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty, but resolving or working through touchy things rarely are. We persevered, and I was amazed that we were able to get through the worst of it with little repercussions. The rest will heal in time. One baby step each day.

None of this would be possible without the program of AA in my life. I no longer have to run. I can turn, and face my demons and know that no matter what I will be just fine. What a way to fill an empty hole that was huge for so long. I feel so lucky that I have come this far in such a short time.

At last Saturday's meeting I heard a small voice introduce herself and say "and I'm an alcoholic", fresh from rehab. I sought out her face, and there she was in the corner. Trying to make herself invisible, misery written on her face, desperately seeking answers. It was a great meeting and I hope she keeps coming back. I remember all to well being where she is. You just want the pain to go away. But you need to work for it. That's the part so many people don't want to do. Myself included. There are days that I would like to run away. When my husband and I were in the middle of this mess I said to my son, "I just don't want to deal with this today", to which he replied, "that's not an option". How true!

So you trudge along. Sometimes gracefully, sometimes a big mess. But each day that the sun rises and sets things get a little better. You start to appreciate everything you took for granted. Even packing school lunches. I am grateful for a fresh new face at an AA meeting. It reminds me that I need to stay focused, that I need to work my program each and every day, because the Promises really do come true, it you work for them......

A funny kind of "reveal"

2011-09-19T18:28:00.000-07:00

Being the soccer mom that I am (I drive five kids to practice every day) TI know how nerve wracking it can be when you have to drive to an away game. So I begged and pleaded for my good friend S. to go with me as she's very relaxed around kids, and could keep me grounded and focused. As we headed home in the dark we started to talk about AA, and Al-Anon. She has some experience in Al-Anon as a close family member of hers is alcoholic.

She talked about how she really enjoyed Al-Anon because she felt like she could tell anything in those rooms and those people wouldn't judge her. She felt safe. For so many of us this is true for the very first time.

I went on to talk about my first night in. I was running late so when I got to the club the doors of the meeting room where shut. I tried to quietly push the door open but of course it squeaked and then I saw the face of an older gentleman who smiled and said, "Come in, you're in the right place". How true that was!

It's funny but I never realized how amazing that first step through the doors is! I trusted no one least of all myself. I wasn't sure I was capable of making a sound decision, and yet here I was ready to pour my garbage out to a room full of strangers. Talk about learning to trust and trust fast. I could barely spit the word alcoholic out in private, and here I was saying out loud to 50 people, "hello, my name is Liz and I'm an alcoholic".

When I think back on those days they are so fragile. Like a castle made out of air. I learned to trust those people with my darkest secrets. I poured forth streams of junk to my sponsor, I laughed, I cried, I broke, and then piece by piece I began to put together the puzzle that would become me. Finally I learned to trust myself. That trust has carried me far.

So when people talk about a "leap of faith" i can relate. I asked God for the answer, he showed me the way. I trusted a room full of strangers, I trusted a program I knew nothing about, and I gave myself over to the will of God. A lot of people ask me what's the secret to success in AA. I smile because it was just revealed to me a few days ago, on the way home with a car full of loud fourth and fifth graders. Trust! Trusting with something you cannot see every step of the way. Funny how the most profound reveals happen in the strangest of places.....:)

Bye Bye Pink Cloud

2011-09-13T10:27:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I was sitting with a friend of mine who has a family member that recently did a 30 day rehab program. This program was 30 miles from our city and the individual was doing well. They had taken to the program like a fish to water, cleared up some of their finances, secured a better vehicle and had returned to work. In other words they were having a "pink cloud experience".

I remeber that experience. When for the first time in a long time you feel strong. You feel like everything is coming together. You want to go from point A to point Z and skip everything in between. You love this new euphoria. But wait there's something nagging me in the back of my mind. Oh yeah, my sponsor had told me about this pink cloud. I believe her exact words were, "this too shall pass". And boy was she right. My pink cloud opened right up and dropped me on my butt!

So it wasn't a surpise when my friend told me this morning that this individual has stopped going to meetings. Gets angry when she asks him how is program is going, and has even met some friends out at a local bar. She has no proof that he has been drinking but he avoids her if she asks. She is worried and scared and feels helpless.

It's amazing how little we think of others. We get a scrap of sobriety and suddenly we throw out everything we know and start to feel empowered. We can handle this all on our own. Except there's one tiny problem with this. We can't. We need to do what we've avoided all along, and that is work. Work through all the muck and mire that causes us to drink. If it was easy to stop drinking there wouldn't be a need for AA. But it's not. It sucks to take that journey one step at a time. I mean after all we are control freaks and we want so badly to control this disease.

So what to tell my friend. I know she was looking at me expecting some guidelines, some solutions. I don't have any. I just could share with her what worked for me. Staying in today, not looking back, and not looking forward. Support from AA, meetings, fellowship, and my sponsor. Working hard. Excepting the highs, sucking it up through the lows. One single step at a time. One 24 hours at a time. Shutting my mouth and opening my ears. And oh yea, surrender and willingness to change.

This I'm sure seemed like a tall order. I also had to remind her that its his journey and sometimes it takes a while to get the program. It doesn't always stick right away. Everyone does it at his or her own pace. She sighed. And I wish I did have the magic answer, but I don't.

However I do know that if you stick with it, life does get better. Does it get perfect? There is no such thing. You learn to live your life and to appreciate everything about it. This means the highs with the lows. You change, your relationships change, your beliefs change. But a whole awesome world awaits you if you are willing to do the work. And I still am learning, and changing. 19 months of sobriety and there are days I have learned nothing, I swear! The other day hubby and I got into an argument and instead of using the tools I have figured out, I fell right back into my old ways and things turned yuky! I was so mad at myself for letting those habits creep back in. But at least I recognized them, made a note to self not to repeat it, forgave myself and apologized to my husband.

We are a work in progress. But now I have a plan. I have a few resources to call upon when I get frustrated. I can take the good with the bad. I am realistic when I see a "pink cloud". I know that it will pass. I don't know if my friend's family member will make it or not. He may use again, he may start over, he might be just fine. I do hope that no matter what happens the fundamentals of AA stick with him. Because the promises do come true, and one thing I know for certain is "they will always materialize if we work for them" - AA 12 Step Promises......

A new kind of "normal"

2011-08-30T09:54:00.000-07:00

Erma Bombeck said it best, "Normal is just a setting on a clothes dryer".

How true she is! What defines normal? I hear people describe their lives as "simple and normal." Or I've heard the expression, "she/he had anything but a normal
childhood. So this got me to pondering what is normal?

The normal in our household is that mom and dad both work. Mom during the day, dad during the afternoon and evening. Dad takes to school, mom picks up. Oldest brother babysits during the gaps and grandpa and grandma do in a pinch as well.

Mom goes to AA meetings, and its seen as a "normal" activity. I overheard my daughter telling one of her friends last week, "my mom goes to meetings at the club so she doesn't drink". She said it so matter of factly that it stopped me in my tracks. It's not a big deal to her, just something I do. Hmmmmmm

When I was a child people spoke about alcoholics in low voices. Like it was the worst thing in the world. My kids talk about it as an everyday fact of life. I guess it's just part of our "normal".

Then I realized that normal is whatever world you and yours live in. After reading "Running with Scissors" by Augusten Burroughs I was rather shocked that after a while this young man adapted his chaotic surroundings as "normal". I'm currently reading Alexandra Fuller's "Let's not go to the Dog's Tonight" her autobiography of growing up in Africa, loosing three siblings, a drunken half crazed mother, and standing for a first day of school picture holding an uzi. This was her "normal".

For you see, there isn't any one type of normal. I used to think there was and I spent years chasing a definition that wasn't even defined. It's the human spirit, its what you are used to. It's what your mind lets you cope with that becomes your kind of normal. And like two people no kind of normal is alike. Each one is uniquely different to you and yours.

Yesterday maked the beginning of the school year for our two youngest. Fourth and fifth grade. Much excitment the night before. Anticipation of seeing their friends again and having to adapt to new teachers. As I picked them up from school with two of their friends and dropped them off at soccer practice I realized that our normals are dictated by the here and now of our lives. It's not usual for me to have a meeting at school or the club in the evening, to have to stop at the grocery store, and to begin making a cheesecake at 9:00 at night.

Which is what happened last night. My oldest celebrates his 17th. birthday today, and he asked for a Red Velvet cheesecake and lazagna for his birthday supper. I had a meeting at school, and headed to the store afterwards and cooked until after 11:00 last night. My normal.

As I was making the cake I reflected back on when Alex was little. His dad has worked a second shift since he was two. Our "normal" consisted of just Alex and myself. We briefly lived in the historic district of our downtown before we purchased the house we now live in. We moved in right around this time and Alex had just turned three. I had just returned to college and we had so many good times. Due to the location of the place we were able to walk everywhere and we had our favorite paths. We would walk through the historical grounds, then to the angel blowing fountain and on up to the Mint cafe for cheeseburgers. When we came home, he would have a bath and then play by with toys while a fire crackled in the fireplace and I did homework. A sweet time of normal.

Now he's starting his junior year of high school. Looking at colleges, planning where he may want to live. His brother and sister have friends in and out all the time, and our lives are adapting to another "normal".

It's really quite easy when you think about it. Normal is just a setting on a clothes dryer. Life's normal is how you adapt to your ever changing seasons of life......

I want to go back to......

2011-08-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have been stressful. A lot going on in the personal life department and I no longer have my old friend alcohol to escape to so what does a girl do? I want to go back.....

to my grandparents house when I was a girl. I want to sit at the table and eat fresh garden grown leaf lettuce smothered in onions, garlic and vinegar dressing. My grandma always put it in a big blue pyrex bowl and let us eat it with our fingers.

I want to play with the neighbor kids, until dusk turns into dark, and my mother calls for us to come home, and millions of bugs buzz around the street lights.

I want to stand out in the driveway and gaze at the stars with my middle brother's plastic telescope.

I want to be sixteen with a million feelings all bursting forth while smiling at a very cute boy.

I would love to walk into the store like I did when I was 18 and grab the smallest size they had and it would fit great without ever trying it on!

I want to sit on a phone (a real phone not a cell phone) and talk to my bff's for hours.

I want to laugh so hard soda spits out my nose.

I want to run through the fresh white sheets on the clothesline at my grandma's house and run under the shade of their enormous willow tree.

I want to go to bed at night in the room that was my mother's when she was growing up and smell the fresh bouquet of pink peonies my grandpa placed beside my bed.

I want to escape it all. Just for today, or a few hours, or even for a few moments. However this is reality. My program has taught me to stay in today and to walk through the hard times. So say a small prayer if you can. The next few months are going to be a very bumpy ride for us. So please indulge me once in a while as I take a quick escape to things in my past that I treasure dearly. They can make difficult times seem not so bad. And I know "this too shall pass"......:)

Forgiveness

2011-08-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

The more I know,
the less I understandAll the things I thought I knew,
I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness- "The Heart of the Matter" by Don Henley

When I left college at age 21, terribly thin, depressed, I ended a two and a half year relationship that had only been good for a total of six months. I remember trying to feel real when I got home. I slept a lot, got a job, all my friends were away at college so I had a pretty quiet existence that spring. I remember turning on VH1 one day and this video was playing. I have always liked this song, loved the lyrics because I think somehow it speaks to all of us. I hadn't heard this song in years until the other day on the radio and it brought back such a flood of emotions I thought I might drown if only for a moment. Where had this come from? I thought I had gotten rid of junk like this in my fourth and fifth steps. Well there it was right on the surface and I had to deal with it. So I started sifting through the rubble and I knew quite quickly why it surfaced. It's the time of year. I never talk about this time of year but it has bothered me for years. It's the time when things begin to change. The night creeps in earlier, the daylight plays differntly in my yard, we school clothes shop, the smell of paper and erasers. But to me and in me this time of year right before fall brings a feeling of loss. Like time has always been slipping through my fingertips and I can't stop it. I'm anxious, I don't sleep well, I'm easily aggitated. My husband and I seem to argue more the end of August than we do any other time of the year. So this time I wanted to deal with this once and for all. So I needed to sort things out and there it was plain as day. One bad relationship after another ended around this time of year. A boyfriend that left for three years in the army, another for college, many I left, and how fall, and winter seemed to change the ever fun long days of summer. I still had a closet full of baggage. Twenty years later this junk was still washing up on shore and I was still picking it up and carrying it around with me. Guilt, hurt, anger, saddness were all mixed up inside of me. So I've been kicking this around for a few days wondering where or how I should get rid of it. Yesterday after registering my two youngest for school, I stopped at a local bookstore to pick up a book by an author I really enjoy. As the proprietor was checking me out, I asked about his wife who is a fellow recovering alcoholic. I know a little of her story, and I know she's pretty fragile, but I haven't seen her in almost a year so I wanted to make sure she was doing ok. We ended up talking for over an hour. He was so open and honest with his stories, and her journey, and I shared back that it was like a "mini AA meeting" right in the bookstore. We spoke about our marriages how he was like my husband, by some miracle still married to me. Then he said something, "You know all the words, all the actions, sometimes it's only time that heals all those wounds". And just like that a plug was pulled and all that baggage and junk I was carrying just sucked itself down the drain and far, far, away. It's about forgiveness, and when I think of those people in my past I have forgiven them, I can focus on the good times, but the one person I needed to forgive the most, I hadn't and that was me. It was time to let go, and I finally did. We said our goodbyes and as I stepped into the warm afternoon sun, things looked differently. I felt differently. Suddenly I was excited for the turning of the year, the back to school, the schedule change. For the first time in twenty years that icky feeling was gone. As I opened the gate and stepped onto our patio, a cool breeze touched my face and I drank in my surroundings. Change comes when we least expect it. I thought I had done so much growing, and changing, and cleaning out in my first year of sobriety that I never thought it would happen in my second. I now realize it's only the beginning. And getting down "to the heart of the matter" is forgiveness.....

Flash 55 Friday

2011-08-12T06:10:00.000-07:00

We are all bare trees
stripped of adornment
standing alone and vulnerable
next to the sidewalk.
Our bark maybe bruised, scratched, at
times even missing and we
stand with our crooked arms bent
praising the unknown and
waiting for the harsh time to pass so
we can delight in the promise of leaves to come.....

Today is my daughter's ninth birthday. She of course is thrilled and is having a party later. So I'm taking a half day to pick up the cake, decorate, and concentrate on just her, the way it should be when you are nine :) Hoping you all have a wonderful and cool(if needed) weekend........

The "up" side of sober....

2011-08-10T13:09:00.000-07:00

I know I've said it before but I love sober anniversaries. Lately the only AA meeting I seem to get to is the elleven o'clock on Saturday mornings. This is one of my favorites as its the weekend, people are in a good mood, relaxed, happy to be there and this past Saturday was no exception. Not one but three anniversaries. A five year, a two year, and a one year. How cool is that! I know the two people that celebrated the five and the two year, but wasn't familiar with the person who was celebrating that awesome first year. That to me is such a milestone! I remember on my anniversary feeling like I was finally getting the hange of this thing called "sober". And also realizing that the rubber now hits the road. You have to continue practicing the 12 steps, you need to let the program filter in multiple areas of your life. You can't get soft, think you can do it on your own, in fact you need to rely on your HP and your fellow AA's more than ever. It's not a time to become complacent. C the man celebrating five years has an awesome story. He's a larger than life person, literally he's six four and his sponsor is a 75 year old man whose about 5'4. We like to call them "Danny and Arnold". Anyway C five years ago had nothing. No place to live, no family, no job, no license just the bottle. He had just gotten out of prison and had no where to go. He ended up at the Alano club and reached out to A and asked him to be his sponsor. The rest is history. C is a shining example of the miracles that are worked in this program every day. He's got his own apartment, a good job, a mother and a brother who love him, a driver's license and a great AA jail ministry. He's one of my favorite people at the club and we always hug and say, "hey keep coming back"! R the person celebrating his two year anniversary is another miracle. He was driven to the club by his wife and just about tossed through the doors of AA. She had had enough. I wasn't there for his first year but I've been told it was shaky and minute by minute. His second year has gone much better and you can see a peace that passes all understanding on his face. His gentle smile was radient as his sponsor presented him his two year medallion. I loved all the stories that were shared Saturday morning, all the laughter and the applause. Who needs a drug when you can get a high just hanging out with a bunch or recovering addicts. Afterwards I headed to the farmer's market to get some yummy fresh veggies, and grabbed a bouquet of fresh wild flowers on my way to the car. The kids were at the waterpark with my hubby, my oldest was working at the fair, and I started preparing food for the night's dinner as my parents were going to join us. The sun was streaming in the kitchen and I began to arrange the flowers in a vase when I realized that it was my eighteen month anniversary. 18 months sober, who would have thought. I was and will always be so grateful to my higher power and the program of AA. This program has taught me so many things, and one of the best is being able to celebrate the miracles of others. It takes you out of yourself and gives you the interest in your fellow man. I set the flowers on the table and got back to work, humming happily and enjoying the "up" side of sober......

Insurance

2011-08-03T10:54:00.000-07:00

Life is full of suprises. A saying that is said over and over again. I like to think of a "surpise" as something that is unexpected and enjoyable, and yet some of life's "surpises" are anything but nice. I've come to use the phrase "life on life's terms" instead. I found out early in recovery this was something I really struggled with. I didn't know how to handle the curve balls that came my way so instead of learning how to deal with things I just got out of the game. In other words it was much safer for me to sit in the dug out and drink. When AA helped me get back into the game I realized it wasn't so scarey and that with a little maneuvering I could hold my own. This was a huge point in my recovery. Facing the fear. I always thought of myself as someone who was in charge. Who jumped right off the end of the dock, I didn't need to wade in, that was for sissies. Little did I know I was the biggest sissy of them all. Facing fear or fears is done on a daily basis. Now if there's something I need to deal with I have to pull it front and center and get it done with. No more throwing it in the closet until later. Yesterday a friend was telling me about a young man that was killed in a car accident earlier in the morning. His family is devastated and yet they have lost another child a few years earlier as well. My mind split in about a thousand pieces trying to grasp at their losses. Then my friend said something that really struck home. She too has lost a child and she said, "it's hard to believe that so much tragedy can happen to one family. I've always felt like I had some insurance that I've already had such a horrific thing happen to me that there was no way it was going to happen again, but it does". We have no insurance against life. It just happens. I didn't panick when I heard her words, it was just the plain truth and it just sank in. This was what scared me the most. This "no insurance". Now I realize that there's nothing I can do, but deal with life on life's terms. I know this isn't any big revelation for most people but to me it was. Knowing that at any moment life can throw us a curve ball we may never fully recover from is scarey. But the difference in my life today is that it does not have to disable me. I'm not paralyzed to live because I'm so full of fear. My HP walks beside me, and walks through fear with me. He truley is a "lamp unto my feet". So life doesn't come with insurance, but really is that enough of a reason to not grab it and live it with all you have? I think not, it's a risk we all have to take......

The Monkey on your back....

2011-07-25T10:32:00.000-07:00

Over dinner with friends Saturday night, I learned of Amy Winehouse's death. I knew of her music, that she was talented, but was often overshined by her addictions. Winning five grammies is nothing to sneeze at, and being called a genius by her peers is nothing to dismiss either. But was scares me is the fact that she couldn't outrun what chased her the most. Drugs and alcohol. We see this all the time. Many young stars dead by the age of 27. Gene Simmons commented that the secret to his long term success as a rock musician wasn't that he avoided partying and women, but he didn't get addicted to drugs. Drugs will get you everytime. Now there are people that will dismiss this young woman's death as a life of "overindulgence", imaturity, not giving a damn, selfishness etc. and I must admit that at one time I would have voiced that sentiment as well. How different it is when you sit in rooms with addicts, and when you yourself are one. When no matter how many days of sobriety you have just seeing a glass of wine can trip your mind up to say, "oh, you can handle this now, besides it's just one drink, what can it hurt?!" I do not pretend to have any answers, I only know that some people make it, and some don't. Russell Brand who has struggled with his own addictions summed it up best when he said of Winehouse, "When you love someone with an addiction you always wait for the call". For some that call might be a call for help, if they are lucky the call to surrender, but too often than not its the call that they have succombed. It's done, the demon is finally quiet. I no longer judge people who struggle with addictions. I struggle with my own on a daily basis. I know how fortunate I am to get this program and I also know that it can disappear in a day. Not too long ago I was shopping with a friend when my phone rang. I answered it and proceeded to listen to five minutes of non stop drunkaloge. This woman was sober for seven years, but a chain of events sent her right back into her addiction. The reason she drank on this particular day was that someone had removed the pot of flowers she had put on her parents grave. When I was finally given the opportunity to talk, I asked her to go get some coffee, she said she wanted to go to sleep, I told her to call me when she woke up. As I placed my phone back in my purse my friend asked, "where you able to help her?" I replied, "I don't know, but she sure helped me". She gave the jolt, the little pinch that says, "don't get to comfortable because it wasn't too long ago that you would have been in the same position with even less of a reason". I thanked God right then and there for the reminder. It's sad how society can feed off tragedy. When I see Lindsey Lohan laughing or smirking in court, I don't feel animosity, I just feel bad. Sooner or later that monkey will either be taken off your back by yourself, or it will hold on until the end. I have seen the look of dispair in people's eyes, they want so badly to escape but they just can't. It's heartbreaking. Another life gone, too soon. For me it's a reminder that my disease is still growing, the more I stay sober, the closer I am to a relapse. Take nothing for granted, for sooner than later there's a monkey looking for a new "owner"....

Flash 55 Friday....

2011-07-21T12:14:00.000-07:00

Mercy...

With cracked lips and dusty throat
she turns her swollen eyes upward,
bright flashes of promise
proceed a dry swallow
One, then two, and three
until a million splashes of water
penetrate unto her cheekbones and stream down her neck
as she parts her mouth and begins to
drink in the sweet gift of life.....

I've been observing the effects of the heat wave we are in. Due to cluster migraines my time outdoors has been greatly limited. However I was able to spend a couple of hours outdoors last Sunday working in the gardens and what I noticed as the sweat ran down my face was how parched mother nature looked. She needed relief, a cool drink of water. Later that evening a storm roared through and standing at the window watching it pour I envisioned the above poem, and watched in pleasure as she tilted her head back and drank in the cool rain.... hoping all is well with you and yours.....

Time to say good-bye....

2011-06-06T10:37:00.000-07:00

I've been wrestling with the decision to go or stay. And for once I'm going to listen to that gut feeling inside: it's time to move on. This blog and you bloggers saved my life. You were a constant lifeline during my first year of recovery. The fact that so many people you don't even know can extend experiences, strength, and hope to a total stranger was just empowering. You were all and will continue to be a huge part of my recovery and I will take each one of you along in my thoughts, prayers, and in my heart. I wish all of you the very best in your lives, with your families, in your programs and in your dreams. Part of my decision is based on the fact that I am blessed with a rich and full life of God, family, friends, and program. My oldest leaves for New York in less than two weeks, my two youngest are busy enjoying the pools, the sun, and the freedom from learning. My hubby and I have numerous projects in the works such as a new roof, a new bathroom, new porch etc. so time will not stretch for it all. I will peek in from time to time to see what your lives are up to. This journey of mine would not have been possible without you. I treasure you all and leave you with my favorite poem by Mary Oliver:

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver ~

May all your dreams come true today, tomorrow and always!
Love,
DryBottomgirl :)

Off to the lake....

2011-05-27T13:40:00.000-07:00

The two youngest finished school this morning, the oldest is getting ready for finals. The giant marshmallows and Hershey's chocolate have been purchased, the dog "frontlined" and soon we'll be driving to the lake. The whole family anticipates this first weekend at the cottage. Listening to crickets and peepers, an occasional call of the loon. Kayaking in the early morning is my favorite, reading by a fire all afternoon long, no cell phone towers, no computers, just the lake and all it's beauty. Wishing you all a wonderful holiday weekend. Stay safe, and make new memories. I leave with a 55....

Bliss

Stealing down to the lake,
Careful not to disturb Mother Nature
as the dawn stretches her arms, and birds
sing their daily mantra, I quietly slip
the kayak onto the water and without
a sound I cut through the steam softly
rising in the air, and I’m in awe at the
splendor that lies ahead….

Modern day miracles....

2011-05-22T18:19:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been blogging. Life has been too busy. We are starting to wind down and my two youngest start their last week of school. Memorial Day plans include a weekend at the cottage with cousins and family. Listening to the spring peepers, and the call of the loons while dozing by a campfire...we can't wait!!! I have been dealing with a nasty spring cold mixed with allergies and was so miserable by Friday that I cancelled all weekend plans and stayed home. I have to be careful to not take on too much, and being an alcoholic my brain tells me theres no limit to what I can accomplish. However my sponsor is kind enough to remind me that there is a word called "no" and that I need to use it more. Spring is in full blast. All the honeysuckles and flowering crabs are in bloom. My lilacs burst forth literally overnight. Spring has sprung but like fall it is too short a season in the Midwest. Summer is nipping at it's heels. Yesterday at the 11:00 meeting P celebrated 10 years of sobriety. I met P early on in my recovery when she came up to me with her phone number and encouraged me to keep coming back. P is a pretty fifty some woman with a glow that no amount of money could buy. She has a quiet class about her that most people spend a lifetime trying to find. She has a good friend G that lives in my neighborhood and one day I asked him what her story was. It turns out that P was a lot like me. Mother of three, a husband who was gone a lot, working woman, who to run away from all the stress in her life turned to drinking in the evenings. She became quite good at it, and even drank herself out of a liver. P came into recovery when her three boys were 15, 12, and eight. Ironically she found a liver transplant in AA. Shortly after receiving her transplant she and her husband divorced. An act that she says nearly killed her worse than the liver transplant. What's so amazing is she has the best sense of humor. She jokes around that for years she carried a picture of her ex in her wallet and when things got really bad she would pull it out so she could realize that nothing was worse than being married to him. Ten years later she just sold her house due to the fact her liver is in rejection, and she wanted to pay down her medical bills and simplify her life. She enjoys her two grandchildren, and loves the quiet pleasures in her life. She was in and out of the hospital all winter, and yet yesterday she was only concerned with others. She never complains, she exemplifies the program, and she truly has the most beautiful glow about her. It's always a treat when I get to see her. We talked yesterday and she was asking the ages of my children and when I told her she said, "you sobered up at the best time of your life", and I agreed. To the average person who has no problem with alcohol or drug addiction they simply can't imagine what a gift sobriety is. How your entire world changes. How everyday is brighter, even when everything goes wrong, because you are no longer obsessed with self destruction. Life is so deeply rich and I didn't realize it until I could take it in with a clear head, mind, and body. Today severe storms were rolling in and my oldest and I were standing on the back porch admiring mother nature's storm clouds when suddenly the smell of rain was so strong. I said to my son,"isn't that just the best smell?" and he agreed. There are modern day miracles all around us from the whiff of rain, to the laughter of a child blowing bubbles in the wind, to the warmth of the sun on your face, to my friend P. May we always be in tune to those miraculous gifts each and every day......

Living in the dark.....

2011-05-10T10:01:00.000-07:00

Literally. Yesterday an afternoon storm rolled through the area. Winds at over 60 miles an hour. I was training with a colleague when all the power went out at work. It was finally restored about 10:30 pm last night. I picked up the kids went home only to fine out we were out of power, and guess what? We still are!!! Not to mention huge pine branches snapped and lying all over our yard. Luckily none of them fell on the gardens or caused damage. Just a big mess. So what do you do with three children staring at you? and no power? Go shopping. Sam needed some new flip flops, Alex some new shirts, and Grace needed styrofoam balls for her planet report. We managed to waste a few hours bumming around and then headed home confident that the power would be on by now. Nope. Now it's late in the evening and we are loosing light. So I put everyone into action. The kids went out to start hauling branches, and I sorted backpacks, made lunches, laid out clothes, and gather pj's. I also dug out lots of candles, flashlights, matches, and turned down the beds. The kids came in and we headed to grandpa and grandma's so they could finish homework and shower. Confident once again the power must be on we headed home. Only to see the telling flicker of candles through my neighbor's window as we pulled into the driveway. It was going on ten pm so we lit candles and headed to our rooms. Once Sam was tucked in, I blew out his candle, Alex took one to his room to finish reading a book for history and Grace and I headed upstairs. It was fun to read Laura Ingalls Wilder's "By the Shores of Silver Lake" in the candlelight. The soft flickers of shadows on the ceiling, entertained Grace and lulled her to sleep. I slept restless hoping to find the power on this morning but no deal. Charles took the kids to school, and I headed to my parents so I could get ready for work. Confident once again the power must be on I phoned my husband only to hear "nope". I can't image the people in the South or anyone for that matter without power. I went to my laptop only to remember our wireless was down. I must have turned the light switches on from habit 100 times only to realize they didn't work. Boy I would not have handed this well in the past. This would have been a perfect reason to drink. But having three pairs of eyes staring at you all expecting you to know what to do makes a difference. I was so thankful to be sober and clear headed. I needed to be the mom and not wrapped up in my own pity party at the weather's inconveniecing us. My kids were great. They just did what I asked and no one freaked out. I was able to reassure them that we would be just fine. Now I just hope that the power comes on sometime today. I value their trust, and I don't want them to start to panic. Living in the dark shines a different perspective on things. You can't do as much. You are limited by candles. You appreciate the small conveniences you do have. It keeps you humble. I hope you are all in the "light" today and that you never take it for granted in your day to day lives.I know I won't every again.....

And in the second year of sobriety....

2011-05-09T09:10:00.000-07:00

I was teasing my sponsor the other day:"You forgot to tell me that in the second year of sobriety your life gets crazy busy". She laughed and said, "it's amazing how fast those hours spent drinking are filled with living life once you stop". How true it is. The only thing I can say is that by Monday I'm more tired than I was on Friday. But really I'm not complaining. Last Thursday night when I attended the release party for the MUSH publication I was presently surpised to find out that two of my poems had been published. We each received a copy of the publications, and it was awesome to sit and listen to so many talented people read their pieces. The food was provided by a local Italian deli, (nothing like cheese, and Italian meats) and the weather even broke into late evening sun. A good time was had by all. Friday the Center for the Visual Arts had their annual auction. My oldest child had submitted a painting for this fundraiser. My girlfriend called in the afternoon saying she couldn't use her ticket so could I? Of course! An evening of art, auctions and once again good food is right up my alley. Alex was so nervous about his painting but it sold after two bids, so he was feeling much more self assured and was starting to plan what he would submitt for next year's gala. It was great to spend this time talking with people in our community and he enjoyed meeting other artist's as well. I love to watch my children interacting with other's accross the room because it gives you a different peek at their personalities. Saturday found hubby working, Alex off to another city for Cultural Fest, and the rest of us headed for a greenhouse and then home for planting. Sunday my two youngest and I sang with their classmates and mom's for Mother's day in church. And then it was home to spend the day the way I wanted, working in my flower beds. This isn't work for me, it's pure enjoyment. My parents came for dinner, and it was so nice to crawl into bed full of sunshine, fresh air and exhaustion. I try to follow my program by staying in today. But as I opened the frig. for some milk this morning, one click glance at the calendar and the only free evening this week is Wednesday until I realized Grace and I need to finish her planet report. Yikes! In an instant I started to panick, my mind started racing, how can I get all this done, and now hubby is back to working in the afternoon and evenings. And then I looked down, and on the counter was a small silver coin, and on it the serenity prayer. Grace had taken it out of my jewelry box and had left it on the counter. God must have had a plan, so I read that serenity prayer, and took a deep breath. "No problem, I thought. I got this." I poured the milk on my cereal and turned on the morning news to get the weather report. You know we have so many little sayings in AA that people could consider mundane or tacky but for me they work. Take it easy, one day at a time, keep both feet in today etc.....I didn't live like this before. I had one foot in the past and one in the future. No wonder the present is so busy for me. I stood their for a moment feeling like I was standing on a train platform. I needed to make the decision to get on the train and get where I needed to go, or stay back in fear. I took a deep breath, then jumped aboard. Today I choose to not let life pass me by......Hoping all you awesome mom's, aunties, and women had a great Mother's Day!!!!

2011-05-05T08:45:00.000-07:00

Betula Papyrifera

There you are old friend
another winter past
your posture is more bent,
your white coat a little
worse for the wear.
I'm glad to see you at your post,
guarding the point.
As the bow of the canoe drifts
across your reflected image,
I pay tribute to your loyalty,
See you soon noble birch.

Here it is, the "published" poem. I have the "release" party tonight, and have been asked to read my poem. I have always loved birch trees. How they stand out in the landscape, tall and proud. As I was writing out the monthly calendar, I reflected on how differently life has become. We are busy beyond belief. Life that held hours of empty drinking, no longer even holds five minutes of free time. If it's not raining the kids want to be biking. Last night my son even talked me into bahaaaing down a grass and dirt covered hill. What fun that was and I didn't flip off the bike.(personal family members will tell you I lack coordination). I had to text my sponsor to assure her I was ok, just busy living life, and that I would see her at Saturday's meeting. She was glad I checked in, and glad that life is full. I am a little nervous for tonight, so wish me luck. Today I get the pleasure of saying: "I am grateful that my cup runneth over", and I hope you are too.....

My favorite book....

2011-05-04T11:27:00.000-07:00

Justine Bieber and I have something in common. Our favorite book is: To Kill A Mockingbird". The first time I read this book I was a sophomore in high school. Trying to survive the breakup of yet another poor choice I had made. My English teacher was Mrs.Brown. Very petite, dressed in fitted jackets and skirts, pretty, and always sat on her desk when she taught us. We spent about a month on this book, and I loved it. I love the truth that Harper Lee wrote with. She didn't sugar coat the past, just laid it all out in (excuse the pun) black and white. The turning point for me is when Jem thinks they have the jury licked. They can't find Tom Robinson guilty, and yet the jury does. There dies the boy and in steps the man. The injustice that is so hard to explain. So hard to swallow and yet as we get older, we tend to understand it more. It's not such a raw sharp enlightenment as it once was. Boo Radley had it figured out, it was much easier to just stay inside. I have read this book every year since then. If you do the math that's 26 times. I have most of the dialogue memorized, and I always find something new. In my opinion Harper Lee was a genious. My oldest read the book last year. He liked it but couldn't quite see my facination with the book. I told him I had an awesome teacher, who really made our class understand all the awesome tidbits of wisdom that are tucked into that book. "Whatever, mom" came the reply. So last night like an old friend I picked up the hard covered copy that my mother gave me years ago (from the 60's) and began my annual spring journey through this literary great. They say the written word can change your life and this book changed mine. I saw the end of my own childhood as scary, and the end of innocence made me run. I buried that fear in a bottle, until through my higher power and AA I was able to deal with that pain. To read through the pages of injustice, and to mourn the outcome of an innocent man. This book means even more to me now, than it did then. Do I have "Bieber Fever"? No! But I must say for a young man he has great taste in books....Is there a book that is special to you?

Dancing Sober....

2011-05-02T10:36:00.000-07:00

Yes, I did for the first time in about 25 years I danced sober. I wasn't sure how I would feel but once out on the dance floor surrounded by friends it was fine. Funny to see what or how other's dance and then to decide that you don't care how you look so you let go and just have fun. My hubby was out of town this past weekend and I attended the wedding of one of our friend's son by myself. I wasn't anticipating any great time, thought I'd be home right after dinner. The ceremony was beautiful, and since their was a block of time before the reception we all went to one of our friend's house for drinks and munchies. The host and hostess are so much fun and right away I had a diet 7UP in hand. It was great to catch up on what our friend's had been up to since I had been sick for the last big social event. We all headed over to the reception for an excellent dinner. They toasted with champagne and I toasted with diet soda. Afterwards we all sat around laughing, and joking, and then the dancing began. How can you not dance to music from "Saturday Night Fever"? It was a hoot. I wasn't uncomfortable at all. As the night went on and the volume got louder I knew it was time for me to leave. I said my good-byes and headed home. Reflecting on the way home that I can barely remember a time when I danced sober. I never had the courage, and with a drink in hand it gave me the perfect excuse if I danced like a fool. Tonight I had fun and I didn't care what people thought of me. I would wake up Sunday morning refreshed after a good night's sleep and have a productive day minus a hangover. It's nice to come to the point of being able to go anywhere as long as you are spiritually fit. I also know that if the situation becomes uncomfortable I can leave. I have choices today, something I didn't have before. Also being able to drive yourself home without worrying about being pulled over is another plus. There was a reason my husband had to be out of town at the last minute, and that I needed to go to this wedding by myself. I needed to be alone and prove to myself that I am able to be in the same room as alcohol. To seperate myself from my friends as the one who has the problem finally makes sense to me. Believe it or not this was a huge growth experience for me. It's nice to know that I do know how to handle every situation as it comes. Tonight I pick up my Master Gardener Certificate and handbook. Yes, I passed. I found the results out on Friday. It was a hard test, and I was over analyzing it so much that I finally just turned it in to get it out of my hands. Unfortunately the high today is 45 and it feels like the second of November rather than May but we're hanging in there. Hope you are all having a happy Monday.....

Flash 55 Friday

2011-04-29T06:26:00.000-07:00

Disruption

A dull gray stone
darkens as it splits
the translucent barrier
and sinks to rest on
a sandy floor. Fast
flowing concentric circles multiply
across the glassy surface
reaching out to infinity
in an amoeba like existence
of a clear blue world
only to be interrupted
by a water bug oblivious
of his untimely intrusion....

Trying to have thoughts of the lake after three days of rain and cold. We are suppose to have a break of one day before rain sets in again. Regardless of weather we have a busy weekend planned so I hope you all stay safe and dry......

Hiding from yourself.....

2011-04-26T09:42:00.000-07:00

Last night at the "Daily Reflections" meeting we talked about an interesting subject. How when you first come into AA and you get that first taste of sobriety, how you need to protect it. Guard it against anything that may take it away. One man said he drove five miles out of his way every night so he could avoid driving by the bars he once inhabited. He was afraid that there might be some "magnetic pull" the would yank his car over to the building and he would start drinking. Another person said they attended 3 or 4 meetings a day because they were unemployed and they were so scared of having nothing to do. It might lead them back to drinking. I could relate. I avoided TV and my leather chair. You see that was my drinking post. A lovely stressed Italian leather chair, the kind you sink into at the end of a day. I would prop my feet up on the ottoman and proceed to drink myself into numbness, with the only physical movement being to get up to refreshen my drink or use the bathroom. Of course this would also involve mindless channel surfing so I could occupy my mind while I was on the way to oblivion. So when I first sobered up I was terrified of that chair. Heck the room for that matter. I couldn't sit in that chair without a drink so I just avoided it. I started going to bed to read, and catch up on 15 years of sleep. I was always a night owl my whole life and now I was going to bed at 8:30. I even did this on weekends. I just felt that if I sat in that chair I would drink. What I didn't realize is that I didn't trust myself to not drink. I was trying to trust my HP and let go and also trying to control the situation as well. Even on the weekends I went upstairs early. I remember my husband asking out oldest, "what's up with your mom and going to bed so early?" to which our teenager replied, "I think she's afraid of her old drinking chair". How right he was. I was running scared. So scared that I didn't even know if I could trust myself in my own home. Eventually as the months went on I knew that my HP would keep my on the straight and narrow, and the urge to drink was gone, I could start to trust myself. One day when I was cleaning, I looked at that chair. It no longer held any power of me, so I moved it to the other side of the room, and put a different chair in it's place. The spell had been broken, my HP and the program of AA was doing for me what I could not do for myself. Now I get to bed around 11:00. I can mill around the house at all hours and do not need a drink in hand. I guess it wasn't all for nothing, I really did need to get rid of my dark circles. So it's ok to go out of your way, to protect your sobriety at all costs. Sooner or later it will no longer matter, you will know how to function in all circumstances and that it a wonderful gift to have. Out of curiosity has anyone else done/avoided and past behaviors to avoid drinking?.......

Anniversaries.....

2011-04-25T12:36:00.000-07:00

Is there anything better than an AA meeting when a person in celebrating their sober anniversary? How about an AA meeting with three people celebrating sober anniversaries! At this past Saturday's meeting that is precisely what was happening. Three anniversaries: 4 years, 8 years, and 15 years. What was particularly interesting was that all three had been raised by alcoholic fathers, and everyone of them said they would "never be like their dads" and yet all three became alcoholics. The person celebrating four years came into AA through her brother. He was just getting out of lower D and she had come to see him and she was drunk of course. He was always talking about AA, and the big book, and meetings, so finally one day she said, "enough, I'll go with you just to shut you up!" Fortunately for her, she never looked back. In her second year of sobriety she took a job transfer to another state and her brother was so worried that she might fall off the wagon, but she never did. What an awesome moment when her brother presented her with her four year coin, and told everyone how proud he was of her. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Another lady was celebrating her eighth year. She came into the program at 25. Big time drinker and it was so neat to hear her talk about how much her life had changed in eight years. She's married, the mother of two beautiful children, happily married, and holding down a job. You could watch her glow with pride at her accomplishments. She said, "not only did I stop drinking, but I built a life I never imagined would or could be mine". Finally the person celebrating 15 years is a man I know from the Thursday night meeting. When I first met this person I was terrified of him. He spoke the truth, and very directly. He is never worried about hurting your feelings if it means he's going to keep you sober. At a meeting last summer I wittnessed him chew a young girl up one side and down the other. After the meeting I overheard him talking to her telling her that he only did it because he wanted her to stop playing games and get sober. He really does have a heart of gold. I have gotten to know him much better these past months and he's a man who walks the walk not just talks the talk. There are many people who love to tell you a twelve step program escpecially AA doesn't work. But I disagree. If you could have sat in Saturday's meeting,and heard those testimonies, and saw those proud, happy faces, there wouldn't be a doubt in your mind just how powerful this program can be.....

Winds of change and circumstance.....

2011-04-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

Some weeks are just full of it. Full of "living life on life's terms". Two people at work are dealing with personal family issues. Both are health related, one is a spouse, the other a father. I just received an email update on one and now it's hour by hour. Sigh. My hubby was approached last week with a job offer to work for someone he has worked for in the past. He really liked the current company he's employed with but they are fading fast, and have been since November. This new job involves a shift change once again, but one I'm used to and can handle just fine. It was much harder when the children were smaller but now they can do many things for themselves. The money is less but then there's the factor of "a job vs. no job" so we'll manage. It's a good opportunity for him, with room to grow. So after much thought (and me keeping my mouth shut believe it or not) he decided to take it. I could tell he is feeling much better now that he accepted the new job, and handed in his resignation. Sometimes I think a fresh start is the best. Gracie our youngest has had stomach flu since Wednesday. She has managed to keep a bite of food down and some Sprite since 9:00 last night. So the household is a bit sleep deprived. I did stay home with her and was able to get all the laundry done and the entire house cleaned. What you can do in a day! And now we fast approaching Easter weekend. Oh did I forget to mention that it snowed Tuesday night into Wednesday. I was assured that we are done with winter since it's now "snowed on the Robin three times". Let's hope the old wives tale is true. I can't take another snowflake! Life is in limbo. The good is holding hands with the bad. It's times like these that I am so thankful to God, his plans, letting him be in charge, and having a program in AA to act as a guide. A guide to staying in the moment. A guide to not taking a drink so all the "bad" feels a little better. Learning to reach out to people has been a lifesaver for me. One of the above mentioned people who is dealing with a sick family member had made it clear that they do not want to talk about it. We at work are respecting this decision, but it is not easy. You can see the pain, the exhaustion but pride and privacy are pushing away what could be a useful support system. I can remember when I was like this. Hide everything, take everything on myself, I don't need help, I'll handle it. What a big dose of garbage that is! There's a reason we have other people in our lives. To reach out, to laugh maybe instead of cry, to just know there's someone else sharing your pain is a source of comfort. I now see what happens to people in the rooms of the meetings when they are locked tight. Proud, and private, they generally relapse. Afraid that throwing the laundry front and center will produce judgement, and criticism. I have found that by sharing some of the more difficult problems in my life, I am able to lighten the burden. It allows people to see my soul, to know me as a feeling, hurting human being. Yes, I'm in pain, yes it will pass. So when I wittness people struggling with wanting to keep their burdens to themselves I feel sad. I know it's none of my business, so I pray, and wait. Wait til the hard shell starts to crack, and then I'll hold out my hands and help them catch the pieces. May you all have a joy filled holiday weekend with the ones you love, and who love you back......

Looking at the differences....

2011-04-18T08:55:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to wonder if AA has a bad reputation. I know of several people who have told me they have a drinking problem. These people also know I belong to AA and that it has worked for me where everything else has failed. I was talking with an aquaintance the other day and they remarked that they had been researching alcoholism and that they really needed to get help. So without thinking I blurted out, "I would be more than happy to take you to an AA meeting!" To which came out of their mouth, "God no, I'm not going to AA!" and just the tone of voice made me feel like they felt better than the program. They started talking of alternatives and of course my mind went where it wasn't suppose to go "easier softer way" and I wanted to say (but didn't) "when all else fails and you are ready to go to AA I'll be here". This got me to thinking that the mention of "AA" must conjure up certain images in people's minds. I remember early on when a member told me to seek out the similarities rather than the differences. I didn't have a problem with that. I was so grateful to see heads nodding in understanding when I spoke about things or experiences. I felt validation that I wasn't so different or unique. That other people from every walk of life suffer from the same affliction I do. It doesn't discriminate. So why does AA seem to be shunned by a lot of people? Is it because the media has glamorized addictions? I mean in Hollywood if you have a problem you can check into numerous rehabs, some with spa like ammenities. Or you could be on "Celebrity Rehab?" or in and out of rehab like Lindsey Lohan? Do people think we're just a bunch of bums sitting around in a church basement? Or is it the work? The twelve steps? I think for some people they just want to stop drinking. They don't want to know the reason they drink. Just stop the action and that will be enough. But is it? I was thrilled when I found some insight to why I did what I did. Now I know to stay away from certain behaviors or situations that could cause an urge to reach for alcohol. I can get to a meeting, pick up the phone, completely remove myself from an environment that may not be healthy. In Augusten Burrough's memoir of drinking "DRY" he is confronted by his coworkers who want him to get help. He thinking he's really going to stick it to them and asks to go to rehab at a place for homosexuals in Duluth Mn. He is envisioning a spa like atmosphere, perhaps meeting a new companion, etc. When he arrives he is in shock. The facility is old, most of the letters missing on the sign. The inside is worse. A steril undecorated atmosphere with cafeteria food included. However after resisting for a while he starts to learn something about himself. He starts to make a few friends, and he stops drinking. When he heads back to New York and unlocks his apartment door he is shocked by what he sees. Almost every square inch is covered in empty bottles. Gone is the glamorization of drinking. Sure a cleverly decorated martini glass filled with booze and a bunch of girlfriends living it up after work certainly looks more fun than sitting in a dimly lit room talking with people who are struggling with a disease that too often runs their lives. To me I never bothered with those differences. I was just to happy to find the similarities. I am no different than anyone else that sits in those rooms. My brand of alcoholism wasn't any more special than yours. I simply choose to stop the maddness, stop the chaos. So when I feel that snubbing, or that dismissal of a AA, the program that has given me so much, I try not to let it bother me. I know it works. I see the miracles it performs on a daily/weekly basis. But instead of saying something out loud, I simply think in my head, "well, when you are ready to really get serious, I'll be here, and AA will welcome you with open arms". Any thoughts?.....

In search of time for me......

2011-04-15T08:49:00.000-07:00

Crazy week. Way too much going on. The last two months of school in the spring are the worst. My teenager is swamped with field trips, papers, tests, deadlines etc..he has his nails chewed to a new all time low. My younger two have field trips, class events, lock-ins, birthday sleepovers etc. It's gottten so bad that I had to schedule an afternoon off to fit in a final check on Alex's foot that he had surgery on. I'm running in one direction and my husband is going in another. I feel overwhelmed! Like I've slipped below the surface. This is not a good place for an alcoholic to be in. It's worse than thin ice. I was going over some things with a collegue this morning and she leans in and says, "did you ever just slip up and take even one sip?" I looked at her and said, "no why would I?" to which she replied, "well people say it's so hard to quit drinking and you made it look so easy, that I just thought".......What I wanted to say is "You thought wrong!" then this person went on to say, "hey, you're doing so good I bet you don't even need those meetings anymore!" Every fiber of my being stiffened! "Not need meetings anymore?" The day I do not need meetings anymore is the day I feel I'm cured, and I'm far from cured. Now in this person's defense they don't quite get the whole "recovering" alcoholic bit. I am forever a work in progress. There isn't another option for me. It's been proven over and over to me that God and AA are doing for me what I could not do for myself. I haven't hit a meeting all week, and I'm ready to crawl out of my skin. Every nerve is crying, "I need to talk to people who understand me! I need my AA peeps!" So I went into my office, shut the door, closed the blinds, and set my head on the desk. "God grant me.....I am always amazed at how many times God speaks to me per day. Today he used a coworker to say, "Liz you need a meeting". I need a realignment. I need to be in a room full of people that suffer just like I do on a daily basis. They get me, they don't question me, they know just what I need. So I will hit a meeting on my way home from work tonight. I don't think I can make the weekend without it. I hope to catch up on blogs today, and I hope you all have a happy spring weekend. We have snow, ice, and rain coming tomorrow. Only in Wisconsin......:)

Taking yourself as is.....

2011-04-11T12:21:00.000-07:00

It never amazes me how life unfolds exactly as you didn't plan it. Take this weekend. I decided to "neutralize" my daughter's bedroom. It was a rather wild room painted in colors of aqua, purple, yellow, green and hot pink&black dots. Very fun, but a little "overstimulating" for a rather active child. So we decided to paint it. A girl project. In other words my husband wanted no part of the deal. In his exact words,"If you girls want to do it great, but count me out." And yes, he could be excused as he was fighting a cold. Both her brothers consented to help so off we went to the store. Grace chose a beautiful blue/violet wall color. Very soothing. With soft black accents I knew we could make this room rock. We choose some fun accessories and headed home. We started with emptying the room and then the fun really began. There I was staring at a dark aqua ceiling that had to be painted white. No big deal, I've watched my husband do this millions of times. So I started and needless to say four neck breaking coats later and the ceiling was white. Time to do the walls, which was rather easy since the color covered beautifully. The work continued into Sunday and me thinking that I would be safe, crawled into the same paint spotted clothes I had worn the day before, put a Hannah Montanna headband on (hair sticking out in all directions) no make-up, and my glasses which were splattered with a million white paint spots. The weather was warm and stormy, I was sweating like a pig, and while I was hanging her new curtains my daughter runs into the room, "Mommy some old people are here to see you, I think it's your grandfather". Which would be interesting since both have been dead for years so I say, "Well bring them in honey, mom's a little tied up right now". A few minutes later in walks my godparents. I love these people! My godfather Jack turned 85 on Saturday and you would never know it. I had left a message on Saturday and since they were out and about on Sunday they decided to stop in. And look they brought there middle son whom I had a huge crush on when I was in high school. He flew home for his dad's birthday. Now married (to a woman I really like) and father of two children we haven't seen each other in ten years. He looks great, fit, trim, and tan and then horrified I remember what I look like. UHHHGGGGG this always happens to me! As he's crossing the room to give me a hug my oldest child and husband are standing in the doorway barely able to control their laughter. I had no where to go! No bag to pull over my head. My only hope was that I had at least brushed my teeth that morning but I was so exhausted and sore from working all weekend I couldn't remember. What does a girl do! Now why don't people stop over on Saturday when at least I had makeup on! Thanks God for family. My kids were so busy entertaining everyone, showing them around, showing them their rooms, that I completely forgot about being self concious of my less than "charming" look. They stayed for an hour and we all promised to get together for a cookout this summer. Later on my oldest and I were putting Grace's room together and I was telling him all the stories of our two families and all the fun we had when I was growing up. I went on to say I was mortified that I looked the way I did when they stopped to which he replied, "You looked great mom, you worry to much about stuff like that, no one cares. Besides aren't you glad they stopped over?" And yes, once again thank you God for giving me another humbling moment. "Yes, I am really glad they stopped", I said. And the amazing thing is I meant it! It is what it is, and I am what I am, and either way life's sweet little moments shouldn't be overshadowed by self conciousness. So as usual instead of me teaching my children they taught me. Just be yourself and everything will work out fine.....

Flash 55 Friday

2011-04-08T04:33:00.000-07:00

Young Artist

Paint me a picture
of your mind's eye,
full of grand landscapes
and minute detail
Wash it in color I
would never expect
shading, and highlighting
your dreams and cityscapes.
Reality, fiction, duality
and composition, be it oil,
watercolor, carbon or pastel
Sign your name with a flourish to
mark this age for all eternity......

Our oldest child is an aspiring young artist. He has been able to draw from a very early age. This year his art has really exploded and with each class he takes it's exciting to watch his talent grow and grow. He is painting a canvas to go on auction for the Center of Visual Arts fundraiser in May. When he is done I will try to post it. He's also finishing a painting for my hubby's and my bedroom but has some touching up to do. He like most artist's is highly critical of himself. Starving artist or not we will back him all the way and hopefully he will be able to work doing something he loves....The sun is shining, the snow is melting, and I hope you get kissed by the sun this spring weekend.....

Zero Accountability...

2011-04-07T10:54:00.000-07:00

This morning while working at my desk I overheard a conversation between our companie's dispatcher and a truckdriver. My door was cracked open enough to hear the both of them clearly. This man was definately opinionated. He had a view point on everything from the president (who was nothing but an idiot) to all the "queers" in the military, to "there wasn't anything wrong with George Bush" to "who the hell is going to run for president next time". He kept calling Mike Huckaby "Huckleberry" and he ranted and raved for over a half hour. I woke up with a migraine on the right side of my head this morning, and after he left I can tell you it was quickly spreading. The dispatcher knowing that I had listened poked her head in and said with a "devilish" smile, "you're tongue bleeding yet?" I just laughed. By now I should be used to this sort of thing. Talk like this is pretty common in the factory part of the business I work for. During the last presidental election there were many heated debates between workers, and if you thought outside the box you were labeled "one of those bleeding heart librals!" I can only imagine what has been said about me. I heard comments when I pierced my nose. My favorite being, "why would a mother of three want her nose pierced! What kind of message is she sending those kids!" Well to know me you would laugh at that statement. I look like a pretty conservative person, but I definately think out of the box. This is an area in which my hubby and I clash, but when my ultra conservative brothers are complaining about my liberal ways he always says, "she definately has her own opinions". And really I could care less what you believe in. My opinion is just that my opinion. Yours belongs to you. If you have strong convictions about something by all means defend them, but do not try to make me feel that I am wrong, or evil, or helping ruin society because I feel differntly towards something. I can't stand that form of "smug" judgement that comes from people when they think it's their way and no other. If no two people are created the same then why should we all think the same way? I even see this in the rooms of AA. People who feel meetings and traditions can only be run in a certain fashion. Only certain books can be read, you must live a severe tacturn way of life once you sober up. And there's the other extreme where people sit and hand you every excuse as to why they drink and remember it's never their fault. I didn't want it to be my fault either when I came in. I used to think "I drink because I'm a working mother of three, with a husband who works every evening, no help, I have to do everything, I'm so everwhelmed that the only way for me to relax is drink'. No, instead of actually looking at the situation and taking responsibility for my life I wanted to blame everything and everyone. I was the victim, how could I also be the problem. Because I was the one with the disease of alcoholism. I had to take accountability for my actions. I didn't want to but if I wouldn't have done it, I never would be where I am. I would still be drinking. It's always so easy so flip out words, to throw accusations, to act as if you have all the answers. It's much harder to accept your own part of the blame. I tend to be more quiet about things, as where before I would have jumped in and shot my mouth off, upsetting myself and another person. Now I just know that I have to take care of my own self. We can have different ideas and opinions. There's not a "good side" vs. "bad side". And growth comes in not trying to change someone else's mind to match yours. Listen, evaluate, and learn from other people. You may just be surprised at what you uncover.....

Can you please get me the Moon?

2011-04-05T08:27:00.000-07:00

Last night I was finally able to attend an AA meeting that I haven't been back to for a while. It's a little distance from where I live, but it's hosted by my friend M, a smaller intimate meeting that reads the Daily Reflections and then we each share our experience, strength, and hope as it relates to the reading. There were some metaphores going on in reference to the moon. Many interpretations were given and it was an excellent meeting. For myself the reading struck home at my imaturity when I first came through the doors. I had the mentality of a 17 yr. old. Locked away in my young mind I was in a 41 year old body, but still seeking parental and peer approval, still thinking the world revolved around me, still be selfish in my needs and wants, and completely oblivious to the destruction I had been delivering for years. My mental state assured me I was fine, "just stay where you are and no one will get hurt." Hmmmm, cunning, baffling, and powerful? You bet. Because when the smoke began to settle and I saw all the debris that was left I got really scared. And what is the reaction of a scared child or young adult? Run! and run far I did. Way into the back of my mind. So you imagine how terrified I was when my sponsor informed me that I was going to go from 17 to 41 in a matter of months. Can I have a "hall pass"? or perhaps be excused to the nurses room?" I'm not feeling all that up to "growing' right now. But the beauty of AA is you are so busy staying sober and working the steps that you don't even realize how much you are growing. You start to become someone you never imaged you could be. And before you know it your biological and mental state are one in the same. It wasn't until I was done with my sixth step that I paused for a moment and realized that teenage girl was gone. My relationship changed with my parents, my siblings, my spouse,friends, coworkers, and children. Boundaries went up, that needed to be up, and I finally started to participate in the roles that I needed to. So what about the moon? The moon analogy represents my impatience. I want it all and I want it now. Go get me the moon! I don't want to wait for a sliver, a half, or even a three quarter, I want the whole moon, front and center. But wait there's a catch. The times I have grown the most are when I'm on the dark side of the moon. Out of the light. We need to have things in stages, or it would overwhelm us and we would give up. So the phases of the moon represent the ebb and flow of every day life. There are times when darkness will surround us, and there are times the light from the moon will illuminate us. I have really struggled with patience and learning to wait this past year but I think I see a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel. Six weeks ago I submitted some poetry to the UW Marathon Campus's spring Mush publication. It's a publication of poems and short stories, that the public is welcome to submitt to. I was told I would hear by March if a piece of mine had been selected. March came and went. Not hearing anything I just chalked it up to inexperience as a writer and moved on. What a delightful way to start my Monday when I opened my email and there it was "You've been approved!" One of my poems is going to be published in their spring publication. There's a kick off party that I'm invited to, and it also explained the rigorous process that each piece of writing had to go through before it could be voted on and accepted. I almost fainted. In the past I would have driven myself crazy with the fact that I had failed, should I contact them, etc. But this time when I accepted it right away and moved on something great happpened. So there are important phases to go to before the full moon. Those tiny steps in the darkness help build your character so you can really shine in the full light of the moon. So yes, there are times when I still want the whole moon, but I now know how important it is to wait in darkness, to ensure that when it shines, it shines brighter than any expectation I may have had......

Wishing I had the answers....

2011-04-03T19:14:00.000-07:00

I love Saturday meetings. They're largely attended, people are relaxed and in good moods. Laughter fills the club, the meetings flow, and you leave refreshed and renewed for the hours that lie ahead. As the meeting was starting I saw the doors open and my friend R slip in. He holds a special place in my heart because he was the person who answered the phone the day I called the AA hotline. Two things he said, made me feel like I was ready to go. I have used those same words of wisdom on other people and they have remembered them as well. I hadn't seen R in months, but I ask mutual friends of ours how he's doing. He's in school, so I know he's busy, he's divorced and tries to see his young son as much as he can. However when he walked through the doors yesterday I was shocked. His hair was longer, uncombed, his clothes ragged, his blue eyes worn out. He kept his eyes down and headed for a seat in the back. When he sat down he looked across to me and nodded. I know R's story. My husband and I heard his testimony last year. He's had a tough road but he's also been an inspiration to many others. And you know my alcoholic mind, all I could think about is "what the hell is going on?" The meeting got under way and there were two new people there for their first time so we had a first step meeting. I love first step meetings. I always learn so much and yesterday was no exception. I know those meetings give me way more than I can give them. After the meeting a bunch of us were standing around talking and laughing when R tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and held my arms open. He walked into the embrace and just let his whole weight fall. Now I'm only 5'3 so I shuffled us over to the chairs before I fell down. My friend is broken. Now that my cold heart has melted in AA it feels when people are broken. I quietly said, "what's going on"? For the next twenty minutes out it came. Still in school, no job, locked in a relationship in which the other person pays for everything so she holds it over his head, has no where to go, feels trapped, they fight all the time, she gambles constantly, and on and on and on....I sat and listened. Thank God AA has taught me to listen. When he was done he looked at me and sighed. Now I realize that my friend is on a bit of a pity pot but when you're in that place the last thing you need is someone pointing out the obvious. So we looked at some options he may have not considered, talked with a few other people, and in a little while R started to look a little better. But then he looked at me and said, "sometimes I hate coming here, and hearing how happy people are, how great their lives are, and I'm five years in and I thought things would be so much better for me by now, and they're not. Sometimes I really think God is trying to bust my chops." Yikes I was in desperate need of an answer. So I quickly said the serenity prayer. Then I looked and my friend and said," I wish I had the answers. I don't. People aren't problem free because they're happy. We just have choices now. When I was drinking I had no choices. You have choices, they might not be clear at this moment but they're there, and they will come. Life is testing you, not God. He wants you to cling to him, and maybe the outcome won't be what you're hoping for. Maybe you will make it through this with your faith intact, and that's what he has designed for you." I had to get going, so we hugged and I started down the sidewalk knowing that I don't have any answers. I can only do for my friend what he once did for me. Share my experience strength and hope, and pray that it will be enough.......

Recovered vs. recovering......

2011-04-01T11:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, sick of paperwork, crabby employees, and endless task lists, I took the afternoon off. Did grocery shopping(only had to give away one whole leg and half an arm)because the price of food baffles me, and I do not indulge! Just the basics cost a small fortune. Not to mention the teenage vacumn the consumes non stop in our home. After the groceries were put away my two youngest children and I went to see Diary of a Whimpey Kid Roderick Rules! For anyone unfamiliar with these books, pick one up at your local bookstore and read a few chapters. They are very funny, and you will be able to relate. I liked the first Whimpey Kid movie, and really liked this one. We all laughed, hooted, ate way to much buttery popcorn, and had an enjoyable afternoon. I dropped them off, threw a kiss to my hubby and headed back out the door for my seven o'clock We are Not Saints Group. My buddy D celebrated his seventh anniversary last night. I have known D for almost a year now, he and his wife met in AA and were married last June. A lovely couple. D started his recovery in jail. His sponsor spoke of the first time he met D at a jail meeting. He said lots of guys come to meetings just to get our for a while but few have the desire to change. He knew when he met D that this man was different. He desperatley wanted to get and stay sober. It was a very touching story, so awesome to hold his seven year coin and bless it. Not to mention that D is now a chef, and he made the most awesome cake. As we sat around eating cake and drinking out coffee we talked about recovered vs. recovering. I hear some people say they are grateful to be recovered alcoholics. I guess for me that's not an option. Recovered suggests a solution, an end. This program doesn't end. Well it does for people who walk away from it, but it's a program of growth and change. Perhaps these people have been cured from the urge to drink. It is one of the promises that I am so grateful for. But being fully recovered would mean to me that there is no more room for growth, or improvement. There's always room for that. And let's not forget humility. I need daily doses of that to keep me real. When I feel smarter, better, or judgmental towards people, a warning bell goes off in my head. I need to work my program! I need to focus on me, get back to the business of me. I will always be a work in progress. I don't want the end. I want growth, and the wonder of living, and that can only be found by being willing to take chances, learn from your mistakes and grow. After discussing this topic for a while other people started to talk about how after you are sober for a while you feel like you have all the answers. One man said he was just on fire after the first year. He was going to save everybody, especially his brother. He ended up embarrassing his brother in front of his peers and retreating with his tale between his legs. A lady talked about how after her first year she had the solutions for everyone. At Christmas time she bought AA big books for her parents, her brother, everyone she knew that was an active drinker. Needless to say these gifts were not to happily received. She said her mother gave hers away to Goodwill. We all laughed and sympathised because we had all been there. So in order for me to be genuine I must remember that I am not recovered. This disease is a part of me, and even if I'm not drinking it's actively progressing, just waiting for the day when I take a drink. I do not want that day to happen. So I will keep my eyes, ears, mind, and heart open for change and growth. Because as I've said before "if you're not growing, then you're dying".....

Watching train wrecks go by...

2011-03-30T10:49:00.000-07:00

One thing that I have never gotten used to is just being concerned with my own affairs. I'm nosey. I can't help it. Part of it is ego, another true concern, another is I think I know what's best for everyone. Ouch that little dose of reality bites! However I find it frustrating when you sit and watch people make the same mistakes over and over. I know "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly" but it drives me nuts. I know a certain lady in AA who comes in, and goes out, and in, and out. I'm pretty sure she can't string a week of sober days together. She's told me her past, and it's pretty terrible, she has a daughter, the father is in prison. You see the tiny spark in her. Yet the second that spark tries to emerge as a flame she stomps it out, and off she disappears until she shows up at the tables looking, thin, aged, and basically wrecked. She has clung to one straw after another. The first time she left, it was because she had to take care of her homosexual friend. She told us she "had to save him". Then she came back to meetings for a while. Then she got really involved in church and she was sure that would solve all her addictions. Then she came back. Now she's managed to get involved with one of the men at the AA club, and she's convinced that he will do it for her. She's also switched sponsors like people switch shoes. So why am I bothered with this? Because it drives me nuts to watch this. Yes, I know I need only be concerned with myself, to focus on all my problems and character faults. But it's maddening to watch self destruction. Part of it is she's near my age. Another is she brings her daughter to meetings, and that child has large expressive, scared eyes. You heart breaks wondering what that child has seen. There are days I feel like shaking this lady and saying, "Stop it, there is so much life for you to live". Quit looking for that easier softer way and do the work. Walk through the mess to get to the other side. Obviously minding my own business is something I really have to work on. But there are times when I think, "This is not a hard program. Just do it". And then I realize how fortunate I am. I could easily be this person. I could still be fighting surrender, turning my will over, taking my inventory, trying to run my own life. That is a scary thought that it could all disappear in a split second if I don't stay in touch with my own program. It's so much easier to look at someone else's issues rather than our own. So I guess for now, I need to look at my side of the street. Work on cleaning up those areas that aren't so clean. This woman does serve a purpose in my life. Besides being a fellow alcoholic she is a reminder to me of how cunning, baffling, and powerful this disease can be. I'm grateful that I hooked up with a great sponsor, that I worked really hard to grow, to forgive, and to accept. All I can do now is to "let go and let God". He has a design for her life, not me. I need to keep myself in check so I don't get soft, lazy, or too sure of myself. I need to give this lady to God, and put my attention back where it belongs, on me. And honey there's a whole lot of work I still need to do, so I will be busy for a long time.......

I am never going to have fun again!

2011-03-28T10:26:00.000-07:00

I was having coffee with a friend the other day whom I haven't seen in a while and out of the blue this person says, "so do you have fun anymore, I mean it must be a real drag not being able to drink anymore". I nearly choked on my coffee. I'm a bit of smart ass by nature so after pondering this statement/question I wanted to say: "Well, when I entered AA I took a vow of never having fun again", I stay at home, bored out of my mind, drinking water, and staring at the walls of my 5 x 5 cell of sobriety hell". What was this person thinking?! Yes, only fun things come from drinking. I mean you can't have any fun unless you have a drink in hand! Then I had to give myself a moment and just be concerned with myself. I probably would have said the same thing if I was still actively drinking, because at one time, I didn't think you could have fun without drinking. It wasn't until drinking became a chore, a necessity, and I finally realized the fun had gone out of drinking a long time ago. Even the last day when I drank, it wasn't fun. I had finally reached the turning point. For those who can control their drinking this may be a concept they never have to deal with. However, looking back I am very happy I made it to that point. It was then that I knew I had to decide between being miserable drinking, or being miserable not drinking. What is surprising is how fast I began to realize that not drinking wasn't so bad. I sure didn't miss climbing into bed all liquored up and waking in the morning with a nasty headache. And sure there were times when I wanted to flee the pain, to run back to my numbing solution, but there were people who got me through those times, so I could keep remembering how miserable I was before I entered the doors of AA. My sponsor talks about how when she first sobered up she thought that she had to stay serious, focused, and she often thought that she "would never have fun again". Partly because she suffered the loss of her husband unexpectedly, she adopted her grandson when her daughter abandoned him, so she did have a lot of serious things going on. But she was invited to a party, and she almost didn't go, but then something inside her told her to go. She did, she ate, she danced, she laughed, and she realized that having a good time has nothing to do with alcohol. Like me she enjoys being able to remember the good time the next day. This past Saturday my hubby and two youngest children had dinner with my bestie, her hubby and their youngest daughter. We talked, we laughed, we ate delicious food, drank coffee, and just had an enjoyable evening. It's so nice now to walk in the door and have my oldest son say, "How was your dinner, did you have a nice time?" and I can honestly say "Yes, I had a great time". So I looked at my friend, and finally gave my answer. "I have a lot of fun being sober. I have fun with my family, with my friends, at meetings, and at work. My life is richer, more meaningful, and happier than any time when I was drinking. I don't miss it, nor do I want it back. I laugh louder, love deeper, and life has never been more fun than since I quit drinking." She had no response. At one time I wouldn't have had one either, but I'm sure grateful I do now.....

Flash 55 Friday

2011-03-24T16:32:00.000-07:00

Spherical

Remember when we were young,
as we abandoned our socks and
shoes, and let the cool green
grass wiggle between our toes?
The sun was warm like a freshly ironed shirt
and we would all join hands
and spin, and spin, till we fell to the ground
laughing while the sky
swirled streaks of blue....

When I was little we had a huge yard. All the neighborhood kids would congregate there and we would play outside until dark. We loved to spin and play airplanes and of course all running barefoot. We had so much fun without computers, video games and very little TV. I am fortunate that our children love to play outside but right now it looks like the middle of January rather than the end of March. Hoping you all have a wonderful, fun, filled weekend....

Feel free to wake me up because I better be dreaming......

2011-03-23T13:04:00.000-07:00

I love Wisconsin...it's rolling hills, picturesque farms, quaint towns, fresh air, inches of snow....wait, what do you mean "inches of snow"?! Isn't it spring, the calendar declared that on Sunday March 20th Spring began, well hello, Wisconsin didn't get the memo! Last night after nine PM I came out of my Master Gardener class and was greeted by a face full of sleet and snow. The wind was whipping and visibility was zero. I could barely find a lane to drive in. Mother nature was unleashed. Not to mention that it was also thundering and lightening. Which I love to lay in bed and listen to, but not when the wind is howling, and sleet is pounding the windows. Needless to say the children were happy because it's a "snow day". Except for adults who had to make it into work, and by the grace of God I did. What a mess. It feels like there is no hope. That spring in all it's magic has been chased out of the state. March is a cruel month. But I am thankful that my life is rich and full and there just has to be hope around the corner. The other day my sponsor and I were talking about self love. The falseness that people hide behind. People try to act cool, like nothing bothers them, or that they are above you, by putting you down they feel better. I stopped acting when I came into AA. I was tired, probably because I was so busy writing the script, directing, acting, filming etc. so how do you love yourself? Early on in AA all I could see were all my faults. As more was revealed the more horrified I became. I was selfish, egotistical, insecure, unhappy, bossy, unrealistic, not humble etc.... and I was suppose to feel good about myself? My sponsor told me the first time we met that the greatest gift she could give me was self love. To love myself just as I was. I thought she was nuts. Come on I'm middle aged, need to loose weight,, emotionally drained, my soul was bankrupt and I was carrying baggage from second grade. Well of course I didn't know that what she wanted me to do was cut myself a heap of slack. To ask the prefectionist to "take a break". We started by carving out some "me time". A time everyday where I did something for myself. Listened to music, wrote, read, took a long bath etc... just me. Now of course this wasn't easy because all the "mom guilt" that resides in me would come bubbling up every time I tried to do this, but after a while it got less and less hard. Then came taking care of myself. Make better eating choices, get more sleep, take a walk, do what feels good. Next we worked on how I saw myself. I had to take a good look at myself. Wrinkles, muffin top and all. I had been avoiding mirrors for years because I was ashamed of my weight. I had worked so hard to loose it, and then to put it back on and more was crushing. Until the day my sponsor pointed out skinny little L at a Saturday morning meeting and said, "I bet L is a size 3, but does she look happy to you?" I looked at L, her face tight, drawn, and so unhappy. Every time she tried to talk she burst into tears. Point taken, like money, skinniness doesn't buy happiness. So I learned to accept for the first time in 42 years, my body, just as it is. This is me, stretch marks and all. Then I had to learn to rest when I was tired, ask for help when I was overwhelmed, talk when I needed to, laugh, cry, and sometimes just be quiet. In otherwords, live my emotions. And something happened, little by little I began to like and accept myself. I didn't notice it at first but in the last few months, I've finally accepted me. It's been a long time coming. I hope that I can give my daughter this wisdom and her journey doesn't have to be as long as mine was. To have true self love is a gift that surpasses so many others. You don't need money, a perfect body, a perfect face, or clothes, just plain and simple acceptance. Once you do that you radiate a confidence, a strength, a comfortablness that leaks into other people. I was having a conversation on the phone with a friend the other night when they commented: "Liz, you sound great!" and I thought, "I feel great". I am wonderfully made by God, and what he makes is perfection. Not conceit, just acceptance. So look in the mirror today, and give that special reflection a message, "I love you just the way you are!" and if you truly mean it, peace and contentment will follow.... smiles....

Knowing me, knowing you....

2011-03-21T10:39:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday at the "We are Not Saints Group" that I lead we talked about letting people know you are an alcoholic. I know that a lot of people do not want others to know that they are recovering alcoholics for various reasons. It doesn't bother me, and I have no problem telling people I am a recovering alcoholic. Why? Because I wish I had known one. Seriously I know that sounds crazy but I think knowing someone whom you feel has it all together, someone you feel comfortable talking with, someone you can ask questions with, if you knew that person was an alcoholic you might be more willing to explore your own options. Maybe, maybe not. Our path is revealed in it's own time, and I was meant to come into AA when I did, but had I known someone who was a recovering alcoholic, and had I been able to speak to them about the disease, perhaps it would have made an impression on me. I know, I know :Wudda, shudda, cudda, but that's not what I mean. I guess I grew up knowing nothing about alcoholics, except what was depicted on Tv, and in my mind you had to be a hobo, drinking out of a paper bag, living under a highway overpass. If my parents talked about anyone they knew that was an alcoholic, they would almost whisper the word. Like a terrible secret, so as my drinking was progressing I couldn't imagine I was an alcoholic. I wasn't a bum, drinking out of a bag. No just a bum drinking out of a wine glass. It didn't dawn on me that alcoholism like cancer doesn't discriminate. It can hit anyone. So for years lack of knowledge helped me justify my behavior. People would tell me I was a good mother and I would say "Good mother's aren't alcoholics", if I was promoted at work I would say "people don't get promoted if they are alcoholics", I had a whole list of reason's why I wasn't an alcoholic. Then I came to AA and found out I wasn't any different than anyone else in that room. What's really amusing to me is that everyone else knows you are an alcoholic way before you do. I thought I was such a good actor! No academy award for me. I guess my point is ( you're probably wondering "she has a point") is that I want to let people know what I didn't. That alcoholics are normal, functioning people, that we are in contact with every day. I hated all the lying, covering up, pretending that everything was great, and I did it all the time. It's very exhausting. So by letting it be known that I'm a recovering alcoholic I've been able to help quite a few people. At work, in social circles, in everyday life. I want people to know that it's ok. There is a solution. Too often I feel shame keeps people away from AA. It did me, going through those doors meant I was really what I feared the most. My fear was poorly based, and I learned to drop my shame pretty fast. I needed help, I needed to lean on other people, I needed to admitt that I was powerless. These things scared me to death, but they didn't have to. Life is so much better when you realize that you have nothing to fear but fear itself. I try to represent AA in the best way I know how. To let people know that there really is a way back. I tell people that AA took me from being a bystander to be a full time participator. Or as in the words of my friend Linda "This is a program for grown ups. For people that want to live a life richer, and fuller, than they ever dreamed. Some days I feel like I help no one and then other days I know when someone stops and says "Can I ask you a few questions about AA?" that I'm doing what I'm meant to do: give back freely what was so freely given to me......

Rainy day Sunday....

2011-03-20T13:03:00.000-07:00

We were blessed with a gorgeous spring day yesterday. The air was soft, although cool and the sun shone most of the day. My two youngest and my hubby went to the school carnival and my oldest and I had lunch, picked up some art supplies he needed and spent the afternoon at the art museum. He already takes classes and volunteers and the Center for Visual arts and this afternoon he is joining the Teen Art Council for the Leigh Yawkey Woodson art museum. His talent and passion for art run deep, and he loves to explore any opportunity for growth. I never realized until yesterday that for a small town (60,000) that we are lucky to have exposure to the arts, and theater, not to mention the concerts in the park once summer comes. Having grown up here I tend to overlook how pretty our town is, and that we are quite fortunate to live in the heart of the Midwest. Today we awoke to overcast skies and rain. It's cold and blustery, a good day to start preparing for my Master Gardener final exam that will happen in five weeks. It's open book but I still want to prepare so I know where to find things. All in all it's been an interesting class taking me out of my comfort zone and into areas I thought didn't have much impact on my gardens but really do. Last week our class dealt with soil and I know I can feel the yawns, but it was quite interesting. I can't wait until we are able to volunteer and hopefully by September I will be a Certified Master Gardener. People always ask if I'm going to get a job in landscaping. This is funny since it's Wisconsin that is quite "seasonal" work. No I will be a resource for people who need help/advice with their gardens and it's a great way to give back to the community. Not everything one does has to be attached to money. The greatest pleasures in life often come from doing something that you feel passionate about. When I say this I think of my sponsor. A lot of people are intimidated by the person I chose to be my sponsor. She is very vocal, you know exactly where you stand and she's not afraid to hand you the truth. She spoke about how important sponsorship is to her. That she never asks any of her sponsees to do anything she herself hasn't done. Her rough exterior hides an enormous heart that would drop anything to be with you at any given time, day or night. She's one of the best hidden secrets out there. She taught me the importance of taking care of myself, how to love myself, how to let go and let God. She taught me that life is worth participating in, the sidelines aren't the place for me. One of the great things that I get to watch is when she sponsors someone new and I get to witness the change in them. She is currently sponsoring a girl who spoke at our Thursday night meeting and so many of the things she said sounded like me over a year a go. It will be interesting to watch her journey. I am always amazed at how life just keeps evolving, and that I keep growing. Some days you feel like you are in the same old rut, nothing ever changes, like you are sitting on "pause" waiting for someone to hit the "play" button and then something happens that fast forwards you. A few weeks ago on a recommendation from a friend, I submitted some poetry to our UW Marathon Campus spring writing competition. I was contacted via email by a very nice lady thanking me for my entry, and saying that she would contact me in the future if I didn't mind in regards to writing opportunities. I thought "good" and never gave it another thought. Last Monday she was in my inbox inviting me to join a writing group she has just started "1000 Words Wausau". It will consist of five community members of all ages and backgrounds, and each Sunday she will send us four words and two sentences that are to act as inspiration and we are to write a 250 word short story. After we have compiled four of these we will be meeting at the City Grill Bistro and performing a reading. I was thrilled. It's been a long time since I've written more than 55's, but I'm willing to give it a try. Once again it's that "getting me out of my comfort zone" thing that I need. I really am a creature of habit, but I'm concentrating on getting more adventurous. Other than that it was a quiet weekend until my oldest was playing with my parents ShiTsu and that got too silly, and the dog caught Alex's upper lip and he had to go to the emergency room for six stitches. What cracked me up is how a sixteen year old thinks: "I will look so tough with this scar, and don't wash the blood spots off my jeans just yet, they look so sweet." Sweet maybe but not sanitary. So two hours later he and his dad pull into the driveway as I was just pulling the yummy Swiss Steak out of the oven. We had a delicious meal (even though Al's face was numb) watched a little TV and all hit the bed early. I love that the small things in life provide so much pleasure, and that instead of turning to a drink when this incident went down, I turned to an old family recipe for comfort, and that also provided comfort to every one around me. So let the raindrops fall (at least its not snow) and let the wind blow because the sunny warm days will be back, and I will appreciate them even more........

Flash 55 Friday

2011-03-17T19:00:00.000-07:00

Affirmation

Raising the sash and
lifting the glass I
quietly let spring in
The soft breeze slips
through the screen and
lazily spreads across the
room spilling freshness as
it collides with the furniture
and walls, dragging sunshine
behind on the floor while
a red breasted robin sings
a melody to an audience
of leafless trees.........

The temps are in the 50's and the snow is melting. Was able to have the window cracked a bit and love to hear the birds sing. Busy weekend planned with projects, school carnival and car repairs. Enjoy the earth as it stretches it arms to awaken......

In need of a change...

2011-03-16T10:06:00.000-07:00

Ever since I hit my first year of sobriety anniversary I have felt like a snake trying to shed my old skin. I don't know what it is but I feel this urge to change things from my surroundings (hence the total bedroom makeover which by the way I love) to Weight Watchers (I've lost my first five pounds) to now meetings. Which of course can be an issue when you chair one of those meetings. I spoke with the president of our Alano club after the Saturday morning meeting. He's a good friend of mine and we both have concerns about the meeting I chair. It's a Thursday night big book meeting that deals with the first 164 pages of AA. It was designed by an old timer that loved structure but had to move back to Racine WI and needed someone to take the meeting over back in July. I thought it would be a good experience so I stepped up to the plate. It's always been a small meeting, very private, not published so you need to hear about it by word of mouth. It grew for a while but now it's stopped growing for some time. There's never enough money to cover the monthly rent so I take care of that out of pocket (and I don't mind) and once I asked if we could perhaps expand into other areas of the book rather than just the first 164 pages but that was given a quick "no!". So what to do? Hang up a flyer, give it more publicity, move it to the back room and pay half the rent? I told the president I would talk it over with the group this Thursday and let him know. He agreed and I went on my way. Now you know us alcoholics we have to take a bite, then chew on something, then chew some more, and stew about it, and on and on. As I was giving my sponsor a ride home from the Monday night meeting she asked what was on my mind. I told her and she was quiet for a moment then asked, "Are you really getting what you need from that meeting? Are you just continuing it because you took it over?" these are things I hadn't thought about. And we sat and talked for the next 45 minutes and I had to be truthful. I had outgrown this meeting a long time ago. It felt like an obligation rather than something I looked forward to. She asked me if I really wanted to lead it anymore, and I finally fessed up and said "no". So at this Thursday's meeting I'm going to tell everyone that it is time for me to move on and that my last meeting that I'm going to chair will be March 31. Perhaps someone else will take the meeting over and if not then it will disban and who knows maybe another different meeting will happen. What I didn't realize is that I was denying myself growth. I was so focused on being committed that I didn't even realize that I wasn't getting what I needed for my own sobriety. I do like familiarity but that's not what I always need. I need to get out of the comfort zone, shake it up, go to new meetings, meet new people, and challenge myself. Maybe I've just outgrown my old "self". When I drank I hung out with different people, I did different things. Now I'm much more comfortable with myself and I want to celebrate my new found identity. Before, this idea would have terrified me but now it excites me. So it's time to reevaluate my meeting schedule and mix it up a bit, and maybe take a look at a few other areas in my life that could use a little shaking up. After all if we're not changing or evolving we're not living, and I have already spent enough time not doing that. So it's time to put on my big girl panties and head out the door......

March Madness....

2011-03-14T14:51:00.000-07:00

I'm not talking about the college basketball kind, just madness in general. This past week I heard nothing but tragedy and sadness. A young 28 year old taking their life, a schoolmate dying of cancer, the earthquake and sunami in Japan, people experiencing health and life altering circumstances, and finally at two of the AA meetings I attended people came in very drunk. What's going on? I ask....is there a full moon, a shift in the cosmic atmosphere that everything seems amiss? Or is it just March. Of all the months to me this is the longest and at times the crulest month. It's a transition between winter and spring, giving you the smallest bit of gratification that it can. People are depressed, moody, sullen, sick of winter, sick of life, tired, and drained. We need some hope. So yesterday I finally gave myself a peck talk and took my sorry butt out the door for a walk with my dog. A pure white dog+melting snow = a very dirty dog. However due to the fact the sun was out longer it was still very enjoyable. And apparently I'm not the only because many dogs and their owners were out walking. Trying to salvage some scrap of hope that winter will soon pass. And I did find such a sign. A small bare patch of grass. Although not green it was absolutely beautiful to my eyes. It's amazing how just a walk can change your attitude. Thank you HP. I guess I'm a little niave when it comes to AA. For me, I never would have thought going to a meeting drunk. The woman who came in last Monday night, and sat crying, and stewing in her pity pot, has been coming for ages. But she has a few things against her. One she feels she's better and unique (didn't we all at one time?) that she can do this on her own (so did I and look where that got me) and her ears are closed (we tend to not listen because we know everything already. So after we all listened to how bad her problems were my sponsor spoke. Now my sponsor had just lost a very dear friend to this disease so she was in no mood for a pity party. She laid it out very clearly. If you want to keep on drinking, go ahead. Go drink because you have it so bad, no one else has it as tough as you. This disease will kill you but you obviously don't care because people have reached out to you, but you know it all, you're a step above the rest of us...but wait the rest of us are sitting here sober, and you're drunk...could you be missing something? Then it was my turn to speak. And I'm a people pleaser, so I rarely come on strong, but I was tired after a long day and I wasn't going to let someone feel that their problems were any more heavy than the rest of the people around that table. I told her this was a program for grown ups, for people that want to take responsibility for their actions and that if she was serious, then it was time to put on the big girl panties and get to it. We freely give, but it you have no intentions of working the program, keep going out, and maybe someday when you've had enough you will begin to really want what we have. Another friend of mine wasn't so nice and laid it all on the line. It sucks to say things to someone like that. I hate hurting people but if this is a program of truth than we better grow thicker hides because the truth isn't pretty honey! At my Thursday night meeting a woman came in drunk. She had seven years of sobriety and thought she could handle a little controled drinking. That was over a year ago and now she was coming back through the door. She was humble and could barely talk. She didn't know where to go. As I was sitting down for the Saturday morning meeting I saw this woman standing quietly off by herself. I called her name, gave her a big smile and motioned for her to come sit by me. She was so glad to recognize someone. We talked about which meetings were good, and I recommended what I could. I hope she keeps coming back, and I also hope the first lady does too. But this is a program of work, there is no easier, softer, way...oh wait, yes
there is it's called drinking. It takes very little talent to be a drunk, just a williness to throw your life away so you don't have to live it or feel it. So by the end of the week all this March Madness was getting to me until I realized that these are times that will test me the most. Not when life is a bed of roses, but when it's filled with thorns. For when you feel that first spiney prick on your finger, and the pain sensor reaches your brain, its' called hope. Hope that you don't have to be a drunk, numb from your feelings and the world. That deep down inside there
s a fountain of emotions waiting to errupt as long as you have the courage to surrender.......

Flash 55 Friday....

2011-03-11T13:59:00.000-08:00

Hope

On my way out the door,
as I stopped to turn the key
I heard a sound of months
gone by, a tiny breast
upon a twig was singing
it's little heart in two.
I watched this private concert
and marveled at the repetoire of
that small fellow, filled with hope
that spring would come...

This happened yesterday, as I was trying to lock the door, while juggling, my purse, my lunch, and shooing the kids out the door. We are buried in snow, and yet for a brief few moments I was transported into a warm day in May by this sweet little bird, singing his heart out, to an unknown captive audience. God is good! Remember to set your clocks ahead, and have a wonderful weekend......

Uncovering, Discovering, and Discarding

2011-03-06T18:04:00.000-08:00

"And now five, maybe six years have passed, and I made another discovery, which I believe to be the Great Discovery. When we make this discovery, the search is over and life begins-life isn't over, life just begins. Really! And this discovery was that I was never alone anymore. I had a God of my very own. And where I am, He is. I'm often by myself, but never alone. And this has been the way it's been ever since the discovery, and it's the way it was before the discovery. Because I hadn't been alone since my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Now I believe that this program of ours, the Alcoholics Anonymous program, is a program of uncovering, discovering, and discarding. That's the AA program to me. Uncovering, Discovering, and Discarding." from the book A New Pair of Glasses by Chuck C

My good friend M whom I admire very much and have since my first day in AA borrowed me this awesome book called "A New Pair of Glasses". M often refers to parts of it and when I mentioned I was going to get me a copy he put his in my meeting locker at the club for me to borrow. It's a small book packed with wisdom from a recovering alcoholic. I loved the above paragraph. The intimacy in which he proclaims "I had a God of my very own". How much that God fills the void that was always trying to be filled with alcohol. Chuck C goes on to say what he believes is the biggest problem: "the greatest roadblock there is, the only one, as a matter of fact, the only roadblock there is between me and you and me and my God. And that's the human ego. The seat of all the obsessions of the mind. That's where they come from. It is also my total conviction that there is no possibility under Heaven to satisfy the human ego." When I read this, I felt like I had put on a "new pair of glasses", because even though I've made it a year, I have this nagging force that can stop me on a dime, and that is ego. When things go well or when they aren't going bad I tend to go on autopilot and think on my own. Bad, bad, bad, for me to go into my mind. I need to get in tune with my higher power. Part of it is just being in limbo. Last year I was going through the steps and the program filled me night and day. Now my sponsor has turned me loose and I feel like a kid standing in front of the extra curricular activities board trying to find my niche. A thousand possibilities and no sense of direction in which way to go. Things have been happening at work, feelings have been hurt, rules have been laid down and I am caught in the middle of it all. But I've also discovered I can do certain tasks even if they are not my favorite, I can do them well, and it's time to put on the big girl panties and deal with it. Tomorrow I need to get up and ask for strength, and walk through the day. Yesterday while shopping I ran into one of my fellow AA members and we stood in Target talking about the program. R has been sober for 21 years and he asked how my second year was going so far. I told him the truth, that it is different, that I'm incorporating program and living life on a daily basis. That I'm not totally sure if I know what I'm doing. He said, "well, you're not drinking and you're living life on life's terms. So you must know something...." it's always so good to talk to another alcoholic. He also told me that it just keeps getting better and better as the years go by. How it's so amazing how everything we did before was fueled with the reaction to drink, now it's fueled by survival. He told me about celebrating with sparkling cider at his son's wedding, how laughing and remembering is so much more rewarding than a buzz and a next day fog. It was good to run into him, it was good that M left the book in the locker. It is so good that "a God of my very own" looks out for me, even when I think nothing is going on, his plans for me are progressing forth. So this really is a program of uncovering, discovering, and discarding. Uncovering what hurt in the first place, discovering what a new reaction can do to change our lives, and discarding what we no longer need, and moving on. And if I really look at my life today, I guess I can truly say I'm right where I'm suppose to be.......

Flash 55 Friday....

2011-03-04T10:31:00.000-08:00

Dreams

Once I was riding a bike
down four lanes of traffic,
I have visited homes
more than once, just a few
days ago I was in high school,
and if I'm lucky I get to see
people that have passed,
I can smell the fried eggs and bacon, and
see my grandma smile once more....

Lately I've had very vivid dreams. So real that I need to think about them upon wakening to make sure they weren't real events. I do love the one's with my grandparents, I miss them so much, and the ones that are all mixed because they are entertaining. However I did not want to go through high school again! :) Have a great weekend.....

Death and the long winter......

2011-03-02T10:56:00.000-08:00

Strange title isn't it? We had two mice named Suki and Fergie. Sweet little white mice, sweet in nature, and fun as pets. A few weeks ago, Fergie passed, and not to have Suki all alone we adopted Clara and Lutcey. Well we knew Suki's time was short lived and we do believe she suffered a small stroke, for the last few days of her life she seemed to be paralyzed on one side. We came home last Thursday and Suki was stiff. Her tiny feet frozen in time, breathing no more. Grace was in full drama mode, running to the pantry, getting a zip lock bag, preparing to place her in the freezer chest with Fergie so we can have a proper buriel in the spring. As I sealed the bag and said good bye to our little friend, Grace insisted on being the one to place her in the freezer. I heart her telling Suki that she was healthy now, and that she would be with Fergie. I thinking that this was going to be a "teachable" moment was busy trying to think of words of wisdom that I could impress upon her. All of a sudden I heart her racing up the basement stairs shouting, "Mom, mom, look what I found! A can of frozen pink lemonade! Can we make it? Can we mom?" So much for wisdom and grief. I guess it doesn't take much to excite our family! :) Winter has been long. Piles of snow lay everywhere and it was below zero again this morning. No wonder people feel depressed. A person needs a certain amount of sunshine in their bones. Last night at the Master Gardener's class our lesson dealt with turf, and fertilizer. It was so hard to imagine the thick, green carpeted surfaces they spoke of. How I long for spring, for a patch of grass. Last year the winter flew by and in part I think because I was a newcomer into AA. There was so much to learn and do, and now this year, it's more quiet. I no longer meet with my sponsor unless I need to, and to tell the truth I haven't been hitting too many meetings due to schedule/sickness conflicts. I feel a big off balance and seem to be searching for the answer to show up right in front of my face. I don't deal with depression well, it just makes me want to sleep. So if any of you have a suggestion or to to beat the winter "blahs" let me know, I could really use a few right now......

What does your God look like?

2011-02-27T18:36:00.000-08:00

At Thursday's "We are Not Saints" AA meeting, a good friend of mine talked about being asked by a newcomer :"what does your God look like". My friend said this question really through him for a loop. He didn't know how to answer and had a hard time explaining. He said he never really had thought what his God/HP looked like. It was more of a feeling, a presence but to put a visual to it was really stumping him. As the discussion went from person to person we each had our own interpretations of what we felt our God was like. To me I said part of the unknown went with belief. We are to believe in a power greater than ourselves. This power would do for us what we could not do for ourselves. I do not put a picture of what my God looks like. My God is a power, a presence, a feeling that goes with me wherever I go. My sponsor made an interesting point when she said as a girl growing up she always felt God was up, up in the sky, as many of us our taught. It wasn't until she came to believe in God through the program of AA that she realized God wasn't up in the clouds but right inside her heart. Her whole being encompasses her God. I love that image.If we are to have an intimate relationship with our God than it would make sense that we would want God as close to us as possible, not a million miles away. Another person spoke of finding God before he found the program of AA. He was serving time in jail, and that's when he gave his heart to God. It wasn't until months later that a couple of people came to the jail and asked if anyone wanted to have an AA meeting. He knew that God had designed it to be so, he was already filled with the Lord, the rest came easy. It was an awesome meeting. My whole live when I've been involved with churches and religion I always felt like people were trying to influence my thoughts, actions, beliefs, but being able to choose a God of my understanding helped me to take away the "untouchable" of God that I had been raised with. He was suddenly within reach, and I had to trust, and believe that he would walk every step of the way with me. What I didn't realize was that he had taken every step with me my whole life. Waiting patiently for me to get my act together, he must have gotten tired of waiting and decided to come and get me. How different my life was not so long ago. I now watch people actively drinking, the chaos, the pain, the control it has on their lives. I am at awe of the destruction it can lead to, and how people settle for this being the norm. I did for many years. Wasn't everyone leading this kind of mixed up life? What is normal. At one time I didn't have a definition of normal, now it's simplicity. I spent this past weekend finally getting our bedroom decorated and put back together. I choose many things that I felt really reflected the person I've become. I had no idea how they would all work together but they did. I put on some Norah Jones, and spent 12 hours working until it was all done. It's beautiful. Classy, soft, and a sanctuary from a busy life. Hubby got home from his weekend away and really likes it. It was a complete change from all that I used to have that I thought represented me. I have a good friend in AA that likes to say over and over "life works best when I just keep it simple". I couldn't agree more, I've noticed that life gets crazy when I don't keep it simple, and the same goes for my relationship with God. No I do not know what my God looks like. I don't have to. He resides within me, and I know what to do, and when I do what I need to do and keep it simple, my God comes shining through for everyone to see......

Gray day......

2011-02-23T14:09:00.000-08:00

Gray day. Everything is gray, I watch but nothing moves today.....line from a book about colors by Dr.Seuss. He was brilliant, and all my children when they were little loved this book, and I still do. It is a gray damp February day. The snow has softened since it's dumping, and icicles hold little threat. This type of weather puts a chill in my bones that I can't shake. Not to mention that I've been relapsing with this sinus infection/cold. My Dr. had to extend the antibiotics I'm on since I have fluid in my ears, and then she had the audacity to tell me I needed more "rest". Ahhhhh rest, that is a quest I've been after for a while. Lately I haven't been getting much. Our furniture is still piled in the center of our room. I have no energy to pull the room together and instead of letting it drive me crazy I'm not going to worry about it until the weekend. I'll put on some Miles Davis and have at it. I think better when I'm alone with my "jazz". What is it about that music that settles the nerves, let's my mind ramble on no certain course, and makes my heart feel light. Probably since I was raised in such a traditional caucasion household. I liked jazz the first time I heard it. It was so unlike anything I had ever experienced. It had a beat, a rythmn all it's own. Like buzzying bees without a course. I am probably the only one in my family that loves it, but then again I have a huge Frank Sinatra collection, I love the trumpet, and then the blues. I listen to whatever Alex puts in front of me, and there are many talented artists out there today, but I like to stick with those I know. Sometimes I want to sing along to John Mayer's "Georgia" or croon with Frank's "One for my baby"....but music has always been one area in my life that I have always been true to. Sure I listened to the music that was "in" when I was in high school but I was never afraid to listen to whatever else I wanted too. I love me a good Ike and Tina "Proud Mary" and yet I can listen to George Winston's Summer CD and drift a million miles away. The other day it was delightful. I was the only one at home, painting away and listening to Chris Botti's "When I fall in Love". The music was loud and a freight train could have come through the house and I never would have noticed. I was at peace. One of the greatest gifts that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous has given me is that I appreciate the little things. A few stolen minutes alone with music, gray day or sunny, is a perfect way to pass the time.....

Buried.....

2011-02-21T10:25:00.000-08:00

Mother nature opened up her doors and dumped a foot of snow on us! We are buried, the wind is whipping, and it's still snowing. Guess we just had a tease of spring and now it's back to reality. My hubby and I are redecorating our bedroom. A few years ago we tore out all the walls and made the top floor of our cape cod our entire bedroom. It's an awesome space, and for some reason I felt the need to recreate it. Now normally I would get an eye roll, or "not again" from the man but he must have sensed my urgency and wanting a whole new look. There was no objection. So I picked out the paint, the bedding, the accesories and we got to work this past Saturday. All the painting is done, and we both love the color. However due to our busy schedules I won't be able to pull everything together until this coming weekend. I guess the room, and the objects were things of my past. Pieces that I never wanted to part with, had suddenly become not important. I told my hubby I wanted to get rid of certain things and he agreed. Let's "do it"! This is shocking because he likes to argue over certain things. We gave some things away to people we knew would appreaciate them, and we stored others in the attic. AA has taught me the beauty of posessions just being that: material wants. I had no qualms looking through our stuff and letting go. A part of me realizes that I've had these things through all my drinking. I've outgrown them, they no longer represent the person I'm becoming. And since we are working on our marriage, why not start with a clean slate. Our bedroom should be our sanctuary, a place to talk, share, and spend quality time together. I think we are well on our way. We also had the treat of seeing Gaelic Storm in concert last night. It was sold out, but due to the terrible weather many did not make it, so when the show began we were able to get even better seats than what we purchased. My husband loves this band, and has seen them before at Irishfest. They were excellent. Our toes were tapping, our hands were clapping, and we were busy singing along. I had to note that most of the songs contained refrences to alcohol, lots of Guiness, and whiskey, but it didn't bother me. I know many recovering alcoholics would have been bothered by it, but I try to own my own disease. To not judge others if they are having a good time and alcohol is included. I'm the one with the problem, I don't know how to have just one. In order for me to exist in the present I need to be clean and sober. Just opening that door to escape for just a second could have me gone in an instant. During intermission we met up with some friends. They were having drinks, and my husband had a scotch and I had a diet coke. It was refreshing, and revamped my energy so I could whoop it up during the second half of the show. The drive home was messy, and visibility was almost zero. Hubby went to bed as he had an early day ahead, and my oldest and I watched a TV show together. As I snuggled down on the couch (fresh paint fumes give me terrible headaches) I was able to drift off into a peaceful sleep. Content with the fact that I am sober, that I can dream, and laugh, and have a great time alcohol free. To me that is a priceless posession worth keeping.....

Flash 55 Friday

2011-02-17T19:46:00.001-08:00

Climate Change

The fog rolled in
trailing the mist behind
like a wedding dress trane
creeping slowly up the aisle
My eyes scan the horizon for
a visible landmark yet all remain
hidden in a veil of haze
The smell of spring invades
the air like a lover's
teasing caress left
cold by a sudden winter chill......

It's been a busy week, the temps have been above normal, and the snow has been melting fast. Today was gray and very foggy, almost zero visibility, but now a cold air mass has moved in blowing the clouds and fog away. Snow is predicted for Saturday, so as much as we want spring, mother nature quietly reminds us we still have a few months to go. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.....

A strange but dysfunctional family are we.....

2011-02-14T18:53:00.000-08:00

I'm finally upright. Off the couch and bed, going back to work tomorrow , am still on two antibiotics, but slowly getting back on my feet. About a week ago I was at an AA meeting when one of my favorite peeps mentioned that he was so glad we were all together. We are his family. He said I was the sister he never had, and so and so was a brother, and so and so was like a dad to him in so many ways and it got me to really thinking about the fellowship of AA. We are like a happy dysfunctional family. We understand each other, we lift one another up, we share so we know we aren't alone and we don't judge one another. When I sit in those rooms I'm not Liz the mom, Liz the wife, Liz the co-worker, Liz the daughter, Liz the friend, I'm Liz the alcoholic. It doesn't matter how good or bad the day has been I can always show up and be welcomed by my fellow brothers and sister in AA. I love my fellow AA's. We may be dysfunctional but we are also survivor's. The young seventeen year old was back at my Thursday night meeting. We were all so glad to see him, and when it came his turn to talk he shared part of his story. It turns out that like many of us he tried to quit drinking and drugs numerous times on his own. He's been in and out of rehab many times and likes the courage he gets from being drunk or high. Like so many of us he's not comfortable in his skin. He asked to go to AA over a year ago and his parents said, "No way, you'll just sit in meetings with old people talking about drinking". Well excuse me I maybe 42 but I don't consider myself "old" and my fellow AA's and I don't just sit around talking about drinking. We work the steps, we rebuild our lives one piece at a time, and as a family we are there to keep each other in check. Before Christmas my sponsor and I were meeting when a fellow AA peep walked in and really needed to talk. He sat down and poured out his heart, that he was on the way to the store to buy a bottle of vodka and for some reason he swung by the club. We sat and talked to him for over two hours and the urge left him, and he slowly felt better. That's what we do in AA. We are there for each other, we understand each other. The 17 year old went on to say that after another year of never getting better his parent's finally said he could try an AA meeting. He said he's been coming for over two weeks and he feels so much better. He doesn't feel like using when he's bored. And if he gets squirrelly he gets himself to a meeting. He has a long future ahead of him and I hope the program works for him. For now we're just content on opening up our arms and letting him join our dysfunctional but happy family......

Sick

2011-02-11T12:00:00.001-08:00

No 55 today :( have terrible sinus infection, cough, and body aches. Am leaving work to go home and crawl in bed. Hope you are all healthy, happy, and warm. A blessed weekend.........

Not the "ego" again!!!!

2011-02-09T19:14:00.000-08:00

You know how annoying and irritating a fly can be? Well so can an ego! It's always popping up when you least need it. After spending a year in AA and working through the twelve steps I thought I had my little "ego" problem under control. So now I start working on my marriage and guess what the first chapter in my book is about? Taking your ego and setting it aside! I did that this past year, or wait did I just do it in some areas of my life? Ahhhh yes, that would be the right answer. I never set it aside with my partner. In fact I probably held onto it even stronger in our relationship because I was getting rid of it in so many other ares. Great, now what do I do? well I found a paragraph in my book that shed a little light on this subject:

"A good beginning is to put yourself into your partner's skin and feel what the relationship is like from that perspective. It's easy to act as if you are sure your view of things is right; the challenge is to give merit and value to the way your partner sees things. This requires seeing with his or her eyes, hearing with his or her ears, feeling what he or she feels in the very same moments and situations that you personally find challenging." from the book "Are you Roommates or Soul Mates? by Drs. Evelyn and Paul Moschetta.

Wow I never thought of doing that before. I mean when I say things, or do things, I automatically expect my husband to interpret those words and actions the way I'm thinking they are coming across. Of course I figure by now he should be able to read my mind. And let's not forget if he says something in a certain way and I take it differently than how he means it. I'm the first one to point out his flaws, his pettiness. What it boils down to is something that I learned about a year ago. It's not about me, it's not about my ego. Somewhere over the last 17 years we each drew a line in the sand and neither of us wants to cross over. It's so much easy to be territorial than it is to be kind. It takes work to see things from someone else's point of view. And how irritating to have that pesty ego back buzzing in my ear. However I know the truth in that paragraph. I need to take a look at things from my husband's point of view or I will continue to only see things from my perspective. Learning to be a "we" instead of a "me" is going to take some practice. So on that note I'm headed up to bed, to get a few extra ZZZZ's as I obviously have a lot of work to do : )

Roommate or Soul mate?

2011-02-07T20:11:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about the discussion my friend and I had the other night over my cake. And of course my alcoholic mind has to unravel and unravel the thread over and over. I've been avoiding the shambles of our marriage for sometime. First of all in my defense I was all ready to tackle it last year, but was told by my sponsor to just concentrate on recovery, that it wasn't going to be possible to figure myself out and work through 17 plus years of intimacy problems. She was right, I took one look at my marriage, got overwhelmed and stuck my head in the sand. Now it's time to "suck it up buttercup" and deal with it. So I took a much needed and cringing look down memory lane at one failed relationship after another and I came across a rather enlightening discovery: I don't know how to have a relationship. I have always been approval hungry so as soon as I would meet someone, I would give my heart away and then turn into whatever that person wanted. I would trade in all my ideals, never set boundaries and before I knew it, I was being left with another broken heart. So by the time I met my husband I had no clue on how to have a give/take relationship. He was so nice so I took, and have been taking ever since. Briefly early on in our relationship I let go and was truly myself, it was a wonderful time, but then the old fear of being hurt crept back in, and I started to get scared, and I started shutting and locking one door after another to my heart. I know this sounds awful but it was the only survival mechanism I knew. As you can imagine it has been a long tough road for us as a couple and add in alcoholism and it spells disaster. Near the end of my drinking we were barely able to speak to one another without a blow up. Like two strangers living in the same house, there wasn't a whole lot left. But alcoholism is a selfish disease and so is the recovery. Not that there weren't many good times over the years, and we do have three great kids, it's just we've grown apart. So I've had to do a lot of praying that my husband would wait this past year, and he has. He also got to see me complete a year of sobriety, and the dust has settled between us. There's an easiness that wasn't there before. A mutual respect that I thought was gone forever. So now begins another journey for me. To get to know the man I love, to open my heart, to learn to trust, and to become a soul mate rather than just a roommate. I'm nervous, scared, excited, and overwhelmed all at the same time. But like my program I want to take it one day at a time, my HP will be with us, and I hope you will say an extra prayer for us as well. So here goes, time to roll up my sleeves and get to work......

One year....

2011-02-06T10:41:00.000-08:00

Today I celebrate a year of sobriety. Today is also my birthday. I can tell you waking up 42 and sober was incredible. Due to my husband's flu I slept on the couch in order to let him have the entire bed for comfort. I got up, was greeted by Grace and Sam, got ready, had breakfast at the Alano club and headed to a meeting. My sponsor had to work today so we celebrated at yesterday's meeting. The one year medallion she gave me is beautiful. Gold, with dark blue, mother of pearl. One of my fellow AA's said it was the most beautiful one he has ever seen. What a great feeling to hold the weighty coin in your hand and realize how much your life has changed in just one year. Last night I met a good friend of mine in AA for a special cake. We share a love for German Chocolate cake and this person had a very special bakery make me the most adorable small German chocolate cake I have ever seen. Beautifully decorated with a perfect number one. We sat for hours and talked, ate cake and drank decaf. One of the things we talked about is where do I go from here. I mean really the first year was easy, now I have to live what I have learned. This is scary and exciting all at once. I need to get to know my husband again. I've spent the last year finding myself, now I need to ask him how he's feeling, what he needs. I haven't been the wife he deserves for the last 17 years but for the grace of God he is still here, and it's time to make my living amends to him. I hope to sponsor someone else so I can give my experience, hope and strength to someone new. It's like the smoke has cleared and the horizon lies ahead of me, what an incredible view. A year ago I was filled with fear, despair, and anxiety, and by the end of my drinking I couldn't even feel those. I came to AA an empty vessel. Years of trying to fill a black hole with liquor had left me broken. Those first few weeks were a blur, months of hard work, tears and pain that had been buried for years. It wasn't until this past November that I began to feel peaceful. I finally understood the word serenity. My life isn't perfect, nor would I want it to be. But I am calm in the midst of the storm. My friend told me last night that I even look different physically. Gone are the black circles, the tight anxiety filled face. I now smile even with my eyes, and my laughter is genuine. It was a morning of celebration and stories at the club, but when the meeting started all I could focus on was the young man sitting across the room from me. He is 17 years old, an alcoholic/addict. To try and get the message to him, that there is so much more life in sobriety than there is in using was all I wanted to do. He reminded me of my own son, how fragile life is, how this disease does not discriminate. It hits all races, genders, ages. I am thankful for all that I have but I get reminders like this morning on a regular basis of how fast it could all disappear. I told him the best advice I got was to get a sponsor. It makes a huge difference when you have someone with experience to walk the distance with you. To guide you, to grow with you, and to tell you when it's time to fly. My sponsor told me the other night, we are almost done working together, that we can still meet and talk when we need to but not the weekly meeting that we've done for almost a year. Instantly I started to feel a little fear and panic. She must have sensed this because she leaned across the table and said, " I have to set you free. You have the wings, now I want to see if you can fly"....In my heart I know I'm ready too, I just need to take the jump, and trust as I have done that my higher power, and the program will give me enough wind to keep me afloat. I can't thank all of you fellow bloggers enough for your support, your wisdom, and the strength you've given me. You are all a very important part of my recovery. So now it's up to me, time to take a deep breath and fly.......:)

Flash 55 Friday

2011-02-04T00:00:00.000-08:00

"Green and Gold"

Cheese curds, Cheeseheads
beer and brats
Tailgate munchies and full parking lots
Lambeau field, a legendary place
Vince Lombardi, Bart Starr,
Ray Nitschke, Reggie White
I might just run out of space
A new generation, new talented faces,
built on tradition and hallowed places
Yes it must be told....
"WE LOVE OUR GREEN AND GOLD"!!!!!!

Now did you expect me to write about anything else?! If you don't know the Green Bay Packers are playing in the SUPERBOWL! I have loved this team through good and bad, and am always proud to cheer them on. It would be great to win but I will be proud none the less of their season! It's a busy weekend, lots planned and of course the big game on Sunday. Stay warm, hope you're done shoveling, and have an awesome weekend....

Impulse Driven

2011-02-03T08:36:00.000-08:00

Last night while reading "Drinking a Love Story" I came across a line that I knew all too well.
"Active alcoholics have no tolerance for frustration, Zippo. We're totally impulse-driven. If we can't get what we think we need, we think we're going to die." Wow in just a few sentences she explained most of my life. I have this trait that if I think I want or need something I will obsess until I get it. I really couldn't take any form of frustration when I was actively drinking. One of the most famous lines out of my mouth used to be, "I can't handle this, I need a drink". That went for just about everything. If it was crazy at the supermarket, I went home and had a drink. If my kids were wound up and creating chaos, I had a drink. If traffic was bad, if work was demanding, if I had a fight with my husband, etc...you get the picture everything was grounds for a drink. And spending? Don't get me started. I would suddenly need this, or that, or I needed to stop at the grocerys tore for just one thing and it would turn into 50 things I didn't need. I could think of things to just waste money on. See being the "director, producer, and actor" of life requires things to run smoothly and when they didn't I couldn't tolerate any form of frustration so I would medicate and medicate quickly. Just think I wasted almost 25 years of my life this way. It's amazing but when I speak with other alcoholics we almost always say the same thing: it wasn't the big stuff that made us stumble it was all the little things that could topple us. Even knowing we were alcoholics wasn't enough to make us put down the drink. We just couldn't fathom life without our blanket even though this blanket came in the form of a bottle. Think of all the late night trips we made to liquor or gas station store just a few minutes before closing to ensure that we would have our booze handy. God forbid we suffer through something without being half in the bag. My eyes were always glassy, my face swollen and puffy and I would tell myself it's just that my life is too crazy and chaotic not to drink. Little did I know I was the fuel that fired that chaos. So how do you learn to deal with life on life's terms? For me it first started with lowering my expectations. To stop imagining that everything had to be perfect. Then I started to take one day at a time, one issue at a time. This was hard, I wanted to tackle everything at once. I learned to not expect anything and I wouldn't be disappointed. Finally I just let things unfold. I've learned to wait, to let things work out on their own. It's amazing how the old "impulse driven" self begins to fall into the background. Oh it rears it's ugly head once in a while but understanding that it's one of my traits helps me keep in more perspective than I used to. Perhaps not wanting to constantly chase dreams and fill an empty hole with alcohol makes the difference. Being content with what one has makes a difference also. There are times when life will deal up something that needs a quick decision, but being impulse driven can be destructive, it's much better to be spontaneous......

Double Birthday Punch

2011-01-31T10:30:00.000-08:00

Today my husband and middle child share a birthday. Samuel David entered this world on his father's birthday at 6:38 pm ten years ago today. After my husband cut the chord I looked at him and said, "Sorry I didn't get you a birthday card honey, but this will have to do instead". What a feeling. I was so much more relaxed the second time around. Sam was a big boy weighing in at 8lbs. 9 ounces and he was a happy content baby from the start. I remember the weather was really cold when we brought him home, something like -25 degrees but he was such a good baby that I didn't mind being stuck indoors all the time. Alex was in kindergarten all day and I was a stay at home mom at the time. He's grown up so much already. When he stands next to me he's only about a head shorter than me. Full of fourth grade knowledge and a very skilled Lego builder. My husband turns 47 today and I like teasing him that he's only three years til 50. How time flies. I try to remember my parents at this age, and it's a blurr. I just know my mom talks about what a blur her 40's and 50's were. I guess it's true that time flies faster as you get older. I've been reading Caroline Knapp's "Drinking A love Story'. I started this book early into my recovery, got sidetracked and just last week picked it up to finish it. I am glad it worked out that way as I can so relate to it so much more, having gone through the program of AA. There's a part when she talks about reaching the point where you just don't feel anymore. You are so tired, so beat up, so souless, that physical pain can't touch you. I know exactly what she is saying. I was so without feeling when I walked in. I mean don't get me wrong I had some feelings: anxiety, fear, isolation, etc... but as for emotion I felt colorless. Then of course you go through the rollercoaster ride of emotions those first few months, until you begin to walk an easier trail. Now I feel everything. I may not always like what I'm feeling but it's better than being void of everything. Friday was a crazy day and most everything that could go wrong did go wrong. I finally made it home, soaking wet thanks to the snow, ice cold feet, van full of groceries, a new mouse in tow, and a headache. I was met at the backdoor by Sam who was having a friend sleep over. No sooner did he tell me that the friend wasn't feeling well than his sister yell's that this friend had just thrown up. I sighed, set down my purse, and headed down the hallway. As I approached Sam's room I heard my daughter say, "It's OK my mom's coming, and she can fix anything". What a compliment! No I can't fix everything but I can feel everything, and I wouldn't have missed that awesome feeling she gave me for anything in the world!........

Flash 55 Friday

2011-01-28T10:21:00.000-08:00

Disbelief...

We were talking in anticipation,
television turned on, it was
near lunchtime, and the yearbook
room was full. A teacher, the
first "commoner" to head into
space, we cheered as the launch
drew near, and finally the
countdown 4,3,2,1, and we
have lift off! Suddenly shouts of joy
turned to silent disbelief....

My children and I listened to a brother of one of the astronauts that died that fatefull day 25 years ago, speak on NPR this morning. He talked of his brother's strength and how he had overcome so many racial barriers in his life, and had made his dream of space flight come true. My oldest asked if I remembered when this happened and I replied, "like yesterday. I was the editor of my high school yearbook when this happened. We were all watching in the tiny upstairs room on the second floor. I had the sensation of my heart hitting bottom, and wanting to throw up all at once. We were stunned to say the least. No one spoke for a very long time. I can't believe it's been 25 years. It's hard to explain to your children at times that dreams can have a certain amount of risk, but there may come a time in your life when the "dream" will outweigh the risk...Have a blessed weekend....

One shot Wednesday

2011-01-26T00:00:00.000-08:00

Middle Child

Oh, my sweet middle child,
small nosed, and chubby cheeked
How I wish you knew how
special you are....

I see your struggles,
caught in the middle of
an older brother who
excels and teases, and on
rare occasion extends some attention
which you lap up like a thirsty dog....

While on your heels, is the younger
sprite, all girlish drama and flair
in one instant your best friend, and
in another your worst enemy...

Yet, you were created with your
own set of gifts, a love of building,
and reading, a "follower" of rules and
instructions...as teacher's say, "A joy
to have in class"....

You are unique, born in the heart of
winter, your eyes green instead of
your sibling's blue, while they are
long legged, you are sturdy and short....

I know you are changing, your frustration
and tears tell me all too clearly, but
I know you will be just fine, for you are
the child I can count on, the child I don't
have to ask twice. You keep your mother sane,
and that my child is I gift I will never
be able to repay...

I love you my sweet middle child.....

This is written for my sweet Sam. He's changing and I've noticed a lot of frustration with his siblings lately. On January 31, he turns ten. A special day because he shares a birthday with his dad. He told me the other day he hates being the "middle child" and it's hard to know what to say. I was the youngest so I only know that point of view, but he is resilient and I know he'll be just fine.....

Superbowl bound......

2011-01-24T11:05:00.000-08:00

I am not a sports nut! I'm pretty sure I don't have an athletic bone in my body, but you can't grow up in the state of Wisconsin and not learn a little about the Green Bay Packers. I grew up with two older brothers, a dad and grandparents that LOVED the Packers! I was taught there is no loyalty to any other team in the league. Now there were many years when my Viking's cousins got to wear all their cool Purple and White gear, and rub our noses in the fact that we were not a winning team anymore but then in 1996 Brett Favre and the Packers changed all that. We are a team that gets criticized for not spending a lot of money on free agents. We prefer to pick underdogs and build our team. And through thick or thin you will never meet more loyal fans than the Packers. We love our green and gold so you can imagine there was a lot of yelling, and jumping up and down when we knew for sure we were going to the Superbowl. I don't even care if we win the Superbowl I'm just glad we made it this far. My bestie took this picture so she's not in it but from left to right starting in the back: my husband Charles (no hair), Dirk (my bestie's husband) Kevin (Cheri's hubby). Bottom row left to right: My daughter Grace, my besties daughter Hannah (peeking out from under Grace), our son Sam, Me (drybottomgirl) and our friend Cheri. Dressed in our Packer gear(mine is very dated I'm wearing #92 Reggie White) and ready to yell our team on to victory. But it's funny how much more enjoyable these games are sober to me. As we were driving to their house I was remembering all the Packer parties we had gone to in the past. It was fun at first, but then I would drink a lot, be full, and tired and not really care by the end of the game. Now I'm yelling, and cheering and jumping around. Isn't that the truth of AA? It gets you going, it gets you involved, it gets you out of yourself. When the pity party gets to big to handle, my program teaches me to get busy working with someone else, or just doing something to help someone else. By giving of me I get so much more. So it's Monday, I'm at work, not hung over, and happy to call the Green Bay Packers my team.....Smiles :)

Flash 55 Friday

2011-01-20T13:48:00.000-08:00

Aracnaphobia

Crossing over to water
the flowers, I catch a
glimpse of quiet beauty
Threads of lightness
illuminated by the pink
eastern morn, glistening
with fresh dew I feel
like a voyeur to your world of
secret lure and destruction,
like a lover whose too attractive
and before you know it you've
cashed in your soul....

I have never cared for spiders except Charlotte. When she died I sobbed all the way home from the movie theatre. I guess their speed makes me nervous but last summer I was able to study the most beautiful web(minus it's owner) in the morning sun. I am amazed at the architecture that stems from these little creatures. Almost air like in composition and yet strong enough to capture their prey. Truly a wonder. I hope you all have a cozy weekend. Temps are headed below zero, so outside will be limited! Blessings.......

Fragile.....

2011-01-18T11:00:00.000-08:00

Fragile is one of my favorite "Sting" songs. My oldest son burned me a cd of "Nothing Like the Sun", and I forgot how much I liked Sting. Life is very fragile. I haven't blogged much because work has been very busy. Recently an event happened with an affiliate of ours in the business world. Fatalities were involved and now lives have been changed forever, and the endless world or lawyers, and investigations is plaguing them. A reminder of how fragile our world's really are. Sigh, so I feel like I'm out of sync with the blogging world. Our little family is busy. Alex is in the middle of taking final exams, Sam and Grace are busy practicing for a "Knowledge A Thon" that helps raise money for their school while they learn answers to over a hundred questions. They actually really enjoy memorizing and seeing how many answers they know. My hubby is thrilled with the success of the Packers and we are all hoping that we can beat the bears and make it to the Super Bowl. Alex was two the last time they won the Super Bowl. I start my Master Gardening course tonight with an introductory potluck. We get paired with our mentors and get to meet the people we are going to spend the next few months with. I am excited to get back into learning. And it's something I love so it should be that much more interesting. I love to learn new things, which is funny because I was such a rotten student in high school. I was all "social" and no "academic" until I was 27. Unlike my oldest who wants to take summer school so he can graduate early and take some courses at the university in town before heading off to college after his senior year. He didn't come from my gene pool. Looking at what I just wrote makes me so grateful for all that is happening. Not the tragedy of course but the movement of life, the going forward, not stuck. When the promises are read in meetings, my favorite line is "You will be amazed before you are halfway through". I remember my first week in, so broken and wishing my life was different than it was. Now I am amazed at my life on a daily basis. I am able to contribute not only to my families well being but to mine as well. I get to step up to the plate. I may not always hit homeruns, but heck I'll take just making a base! I'm starting to deal with Grace's ADD. We are working on organization. She now has a large desk in her room, a calendar that goes by the week, and each Sunday we write out what's happening for just that week. She has post it notes to write reminders, and supplies at her finger tips. We arranged her room in a more "friendly" manner so she can make her bed easier and pick up her toys better. Lots of hugs, and praise. She seems to be responding well. Another facet I didn't expect to have to deal with but it's rewarding to be able to give her tools to exceed. I look forward to the day I am asked to sponsor someone in AA, and I get to give them the tools to succeed through the great program of AA. And if I pass my Master Gardener class I will be able to give people the tools to make their world beautiful. So despite the atmosphere of saddness that is looming because of the "fragileness" of life, I am profoundly grateful for all that is life......

Flash 55 Friday

2011-01-14T10:03:00.000-08:00

Winter Oasis

Watching the snow fall
I turn my attention to
a seed catalogue and
as I pour over the
glossy pages it suddenly
becomes a 75 degree summer
afternoon. The lawn is a
cool dark green, the flowers
blooming, birds chittering and
the sun playing peek-a-boo
with the shade. Then the phone
rings, shattering my daydream.......

This is true. Seed caralogues are coming and my mind is drifting to growing season. So to passify myself I am signing up to become a Master Gardener through our University of Wisconsin system. I am excited, as I love gardening, love school, and will be able to give back to my community doing something I love! Work has been brutal this week, thus the lack of blogging. Late hours, foul moods, and piles of work to be taken care of before next week's Operations Review. However it is the weekend, and time for relaxation. Go Pack Go, and stay safe and warm with the ones you love.....

Mom on the edge....

2011-01-10T12:24:00.000-08:00

Not really but Friday after work I did something I never thought I would do. I had the right side of my nose pierced with a very tiny diamond stud. And I love it. My husband likes it, of course our 16 year old likes it, and I've had lots of compliments on it. Why? What posesses a 41 year old mother to walk into a Tattoo/Piercing establishment and get her nose pierced? I'm coming up on my one year of sobriety, and my 42nd. birthday and my oldest son and I were discussing tattoo's and piercings and I said, "I've always liked a tiny diamond stud nose piercing", so Alex says, " Do it mom!" Do it to mark the journey of this year". So I thought about it all the next day at work, and came to the conclusion that he was right. This has been a journey of blind faith, trusting that I could face the past, reconcile it, deal with the hurt and pain I caused others and myself. To feel all emotions be they happy, sad, painful, joyful etc. and to keep living in the moment. So I pulled in and did it. Now had I known how big the needle was, that the area wouldn't be frozen, and that forceps were involved I may have thought twice, but in my usual fashion I just jumped in. The nicest guy did it, and he even was helping fix my makeup because my eyes wouldn't stop running, but within two hours the pain was gone and I forget I even have a nose piercing. To me it stands as a symbol of what the last year has been. I cannot grow without periods of pain, and difficulties. I cannot change the past, or avoid the future. I can survive pain, and make it to the other side. So all in all I'm pleased with my decision. Saturday night the Monday night "Freedom" group had a potluck and speaker meeting. I love speaker meetings. The guest speaker was from a different part of Wisconsin and what a great story he told. From having everything, to loosing everything, to living in a rat infested apartment for $75.00 to finding his way into AA, getting a great sponsor and begining to rebuild his life. His wife had the divorce papers ready but never filed and they were able to save their marriage. He son who lived in fear is now graduating college with honors. He was accepted back into a profession he loves and he is zealous about the program. I so love to hear the stories because they just keep reaffirming what so many of us know. This program works if you work it. As I have said before I could listen to stories from AA members all day long. It reminds me of how much work I've done, how much more lies ahead, and how I never want to return to where I was. So this morning as I was putting my makeup on, the light caught the diamond chip and sent a small glitter of light across the mirror. Where there is darkness, there can be light, where there is despair, there can be hope, where there is sadness joy and I am delighted and privileged to be a part of it all. Monday blessings......

Flash 55 Friday

2011-01-07T14:15:00.000-08:00

Being Still

Standing at the window,
steaming mug in hand
my lips send ripples
accross the coffee in
an attempt to drink it.
The morning has shown her
face, dressed in a veil of
pink and blue. Not a breeze
stirs in the frozen world
of January until a bark makes
me swallow and start my day.....

This is a usual scene for me, waiting for the dog by the back door every morning. The house is starting to warm up, and the snow sounds like styrofoam as Jack bounds accross it. January is a cold month, but one that reminds us there is beauty and purpose in just being still. Stay safe, stay warm and have an awesome weekend.... Go Pack Go!

Not feeling it today....

2011-01-05T13:51:00.000-08:00

No creative juices flowing. So I will go read other's "One Shots". Just feeling cold and tired. Middle child is very ill with ear infection, terrible cold, and throwing up. Managed to last 2 1/2 hours total in school this week, so concerned for him. The Dr. has him on antibiotics but you can tell he just feels rotten. I'm still running things at work, but I did manage to be home with him yesterday. Otherwise he goes to grandpa and grandma's for lots of TLC while the rest of us are at work and school. Their little ShitSzu "Dudley" lays next to him all day long. Dogs/animals are so cool. They know when you just need love. Tomorrow I will celebrate 11 months of sobriety. The year has gone surprisingly fast, and I still have so much to learn. So I'm going to make some hot tea, and finish a few things I have left on my desk. Then it's home to my hubby and kids, to snuggle in for a cozy evening. Yes, life is very good.....

Clean slates & New Year's Resolutions......

2011-01-03T11:26:00.000-08:00

At a meeting this past weekend, I heard many people talking about how happy the New Year made them feel. I heard the phrase "clean slate" referred to over and over. I get the feeling however I don't understand how people can brush off 2010 and think they start fresh in 2011. Hmmmmm, some of the same issues I have dealt with in 2010 are still here in 2011. It would be great if it was as easy as turning over the calendar and all your problems just disappeared. We would all love a fresh start but that's not how my life works. The "clean slate" for me is to not repeat patterns of behavior that didn't work last year. To look for new directions or different solutions to issues that I continue to deal with. Forgiving myself has helped remove a lot of the junk I was carrying but it didn't give me a "clean slate". There's only one person who can do that for me, and that's my HP. So for me this year isn't about starting fresh, or starting over, it's about using what I've learned and applying it to my real life. As for resolutions that is one area I have never succeeded at. I was fortunate to not have made "quit drinking" a resolution. In fact at this time last year I was just miserable but I hadn't decided or even considered AA yet. It wasn't until the last week in January that I seriously considered it and realized that I could do it. So it taught me a lesson. Planning for the future isn't an option. Oh, there are things you can do for things you know are coming up, but rarely do we ever have complete control of the situation at hand. So instead of me saying I will loose 50lbs. before summer, I will run a 5K, or I will become this awesome supermom, I have settled on a few less ambitious and for me attainable resolutions. Instead of leaving our bed a mess of blankets and pillows, I will make more of an effort to make the bed this year, I will try to pack healthier lunches for the office more rather than wait to see if someone is making a food run, I will spend a few more minutes alone with each child per day, just them, and try to learn more of what is going on in their world. I will be kinder and gentler to my husband which means setting my agenda behind, and I will try to give more unconditional love to mankind. These few "resolutions" I feel are a bit more doable than all the unrealistic ones I've made in the past. So whether it's a clean slate or not it doesn't matter just as long as you realize the important thing is to take one day at a time, just one 24 hours, no less, no more, and maybe some of the resolutions you made will actually materialize.....

Flash 55 Friday...

2010-12-31T00:00:00.000-08:00

Bonne Annee

Watching the raindrops
trickle down the glass
Over the hum of
private conversations,
silverware clatter, and
muffled laughter...
You lean in and quietly
ask me the question:
"Sitting where you are
in December 2010, is it
better than where you were in
December 2009"?
I ponder this momentarily then
smile and say without reservation
"Yes"!!!!!

What an awesome feeling. I have hated the coming of New Year's Eve in the past. I always felt unaccomplished, let down, five steps backwards than the year before. For the first time in my life I feel good. I am pleased with the year. It hasn't been easy, I've faced a lot, have a lot to still face and work on, but I am content with the progress I have made. We will be staying in New Year's Eve, having my parents over for dinner, watching the ball drop and toasting the New Year with sparkling Cider, and looking forward to whatever may lie ahead in 2011. May your New Year's Eve be merry and may your lives be showered with blessings.....

One Shot Wednesday...

2010-12-28T17:00:00.000-08:00

The ride of "your" life...

Not again, I've been here before
I keep trying to unbuckle the
belt, but it doesn't unlatch
I give up and stare at the
faces around me

Looks of excitement,anticipation,
people leaning forward, ready to go
Are these people nuts? I grab the
bars around me and prepare to hang
on for dear life

A lurch and then we slowly start
to move, we begin to climb and
I close my eyes, I hate this dream
I keep having the sensation of falling
backwards as my body feels vertical

We whip around a corner and plunge
to the bottom at record speed
Screaming and laughter and my stomach
flip flopping, arms in the air,
hands waving except for my white
knuckles clutched in a death grip

How long will this last, I hate
roller coasters, I think I can open
one eye, oh no we're falling, then
back up, then around the corner, and
It's not so bad, I'm surviving, it
actually might be a little fun

We seem to be slowing down
My heart has stopped racing
I smile at the people around me
I want to yell "I made it" but
before I can the ride starts
to move again, and this time
I throw my arms into the air....

When I was ten I rode my first and only rollercoaster at Great America. I was so shook up that to this day I will not go on amusement rides. A friend asked me last week to describe my year (11 months so far) of AA and after pondering it for a minute I gave him my reply: I used to stand on the side and watch everyone on the rollercoaster, I was too scared to be on it myself. AA gave me a front row seat on the rollercoaster, and at first I was terrified, by after working the steps, trusting in my HP, and letting go, I've been able to ride it everyday, no longer gripping on tight but screaming, and waving my hands in the air.......it's so much more fun to participate rather than watch......

Winding down.......

2010-12-27T10:02:00.000-08:00

Survived the Christmas holiday. Actually it was relaxing and very enjoyable once we had everything ready. Thursday was a bit crazy but one awesome thing that happened was that Alex went for his first check up and dressing change. The Dr. did x-rays and his toe is now beautifully aligned with the rest of his toes. He is able to put a little more pressure on the foot now and has actually gone out of the house for a few short trips here and there. So that was good news. Thursday night when I arrived at my meeting after an insane trip through Wal-Mart I was surpised to see so many people there. It's a closed meeting but so many people had the next day off, and were in town that they came. It was an awesome meeting. So many great stories shared, so much insight. I love the "rush" that comes when you get to experience an AA meeting at it's best. It just set my mood for Christmas. I was able to see an old friend of mine at Church the next day, and Christmas Eve and Christmas day were spent with my parents. Everyone was happy with their gifts and now it's a matter of eating leftovers and enjoying their (the kids) weeks off of school. So while most people go out in search of bargains the day after, I headed to the library. For once I actually got a parking spot. I'm currently reading "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs. I love to read addiction memoirs. I think because we are all so different yet all so the same. Augusten has lived a life so insane and terrible at times that it's truly amazing that he has carved out his own sobriety. He talks about his first AA meeting. How incredible it was so be in a place where you feel safe for the first time in your life. I remember that feeling, I still love that feeling. I am careful with whom I share things with, and I stick true to my convictions and avoid the gossip pit. He talks about how good those first few weeks are but little by little you watch life creeping up on him. To me this is when you really have to roll up your sleeves and get to work. It's like the maintenance part of a diet. It's make or break. My twelve steps were easy compared to daily living. As alcoholics we spend so much time not living that for us the normal functions of day to day can be overwhelming. It takes about two seconds for me to slip into an old pattern and yet my HP is so good about teaching me daily. Last week I went into a bar for the first time since I've been sober, and I had a "diet coke" with my co-workers and you know I realized I don't miss the atmosphere nor do I want it in my life. How nice is that?! We could be going out to dinner with friends on New Year's Eve but we've chosen to stay home with our kids instead. I'm ok with the ordinary, I've missed out on it for so long, that at times it seems all new to me. No one can imagine unless they've been there what a precious commodity living a normal, simple life is. It's boundless in what it gives back if you let it. A few weeks ago I was with some friends, and as we stepped from the restaurant out into the day, I said, 'Oh look the sun is coming out, doesn't that just change your outlook on the day?" It was quiet for a few moments until one of my friends said "you know you're right the sun does make things feel better!" I can't always carry the pink cloud feeling of AA with me. I've tried, and there is too much of life that gets in the way. But I can choose my attitude, even if it's a bad one, and I can choose how long I'm going to stay in that attitude, and I make a difference not only in my life but in someone else's as well. That is one awesome gift that keeps on giving......smiles.....

Flash 55 Friday

2010-12-23T13:11:00.000-08:00

Flashbacks....

When I was a child
Christmas meant:
Waking up early,
diving under the tree
playing for hours
No school for a week,
dad on vacation and
pancakes on Tuesday.
Ice skating with neighbors,
tobogganing, the old Polaris sled
Wearing funny hats and blowing
noise makers while staying
up late to welcome in
the new year....

We had the best time growing up. Between our house and our neighbors was a big field that we drove the old snowmobile around, then flooded for an ice rink. Our families did everything together, sledding, and parties, to New Years Eve. Our friend's parents are both gone, way too soon, and so is the field, replaced by houses. But these were precious times and Christmas was special right through New Years Eve every year as a child. Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas and a New Year filled with Happiness.....

Updates...

2010-12-22T10:32:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much for all your prayers. Surgery went fine, a little longer than they expected but we did make it home right before the snow started. He was droggy so I had to help him get dressed, and he sat on the bed just like he did when he was a little boy and I put his left shoe on and tied it. Lots of flashes from the past. He didn't sleep the first night due to all the meds coming out of his system, and yesterday went pretty well too, however today is a different story. A lot of swelling, so much that the Dr. had me cut the bandage down the back to relieve some of the tightness. He's icing constantly and hopefully the ibuprofen and Vicoden will kick in soon. I know he's in a lot of pain because his face is an aweful gray color. Friends have been popping in, texting, and he's been on his lap top and
xbox-360. But we've also been dealing with a lower GI flu at our house, so I'm trying to keep people quarantined away from him. Getting to the bathroom isn't the easiest for him right now. Last night Grace and Sam had their Christmas program. It's the first time my husband has been able to attend one of these at night. So they performed it again at 10:00 this morning and I went. For once I got a decent seat and didn't almost pass out from the heat do to overcrowding. Mother nature has dumped a few inches of extra snow and Alex was glad to get out of shoveling. Am anxious to get to a meeting. I can tell when I go too long inbetween I feel a bit off course. It doesn't seem possible that Christmas Day is only three days away. Grace and Sam finish their last of day of school today before Christmas break. They have two more days left on the advent calendar. Well I need to run, my desk is heaped with work I don't feel like doing, and I'm
hoping to catch up on all your blogs today! Peace.....

If you can....

2010-12-19T18:20:00.000-08:00

If you can say a prayer around 3:15 Monday December 20th. My son Alex will be in surgery at that time. It's his first time going "under" and I pray that nothing goes wrong and that we make it home and have him settled before the snow and freezing rain start. It's been a wild weekend. Many awesome things happened. I ran into one of my old high school friends in the store the other night. We had so many great times together and have children in similar age brackets. It was so great to see her, and her what's been happening in her life, to exchange phone numbers and to give her my blog address. She called a little while later to tell me she had started reading my blog from the beginning and was really enjoying it. That means a lot to me and we will get together soon! Spent a great dinner with my oldest Friday night, talking, sharing, laughing, and then we finished Christmas shopping. Needless to say we also grocery shopped since it was getting pretty bare in the cupboards! Saturday had coffee with two of my girlfriends and then stayed and talked with a good friend of mine for hours. We had lunch and then it was off to home to make an appetizer and get ready for the Christmas Cantata. It was superb! It dealt with the birth, the death, the resurrection, and the coming of Christ again. The music was fabulous and I always leaving feeling truly ready for Christmas. After we always go to our friend's house for fellowship and good food. Lot's of laughter and hugs. We are lucky to know such awesome people. This morning Grace, Sam, and myself went to the AA club for breakfast with Santa. What a fun time we had. Then it was off to my parent's house for Christmas with my middle brother and his family. The kids are all growing up too fast! Now I'm just reading over the literature for Alex's surgery and getting ready to start another busy week. All this is possible thanks to my HP, AA, my program and awesome people in my life such as you fellow bloggers. Take care, and good night.....

Flash 55 Friday

2010-12-17T06:27:00.000-08:00

Stoplight Master Piece

The light turns red,
and I wait in a haze
of exhaust fumes
My eyes wander into
the park and discover
your pine needles have
been flocked white with
nature's paint brush,
a veritable fairyland Utopia
I gaze a bit longer before
the light turns green and
the tangerine sun bursts through your tree trunks....

Every morning it never fails I get stuck at the same stop light. Since there are many more stop lights at this intersection it takes a while. The other day I glanced into the park and saw that all the tops of the pine trees were frosted the most beautiful white. Since the weather has been below zero everything is looking like a winter wonderland. Now I have something to look forward to at the stop light. Have a very busy weekend planned. Hope you are all ready for the upcoming holidays and that you are surrounded by family and friends who love you. Have an awesome weekend....

Take me out of myself......

2010-12-16T10:35:00.000-08:00

Monday night was tough at our house. Tough because I let a few old habits sneak into my behavior. The nice thing about my family is that they didn't let it last too long. I came home bitchy. The dishes were piled in the sink, the kids had dumped their snow clothes in the middle of the floor, and my husband was lounging on the heating pad saying his back hurt. I felt like walking out the door, getting in the car and driving. This time of year has that effect on me. It carries an underlying adrenaline that I hate. Instead I made a sandwich, kissed my kids, and dashed off to the Monday night meeting. Guess what we read in the big book? The chapter about the housewife who drank at home. I'm pretty sure I wrote that testimony. All the feelings of lies, and shame, and covering up resurfaced. I was letting my emotions dictate my actions. One person whom I just want to take home and take care of because he's such a sweet person who is struggling so hard gave me a lesson that I soooooo needed. He works at the steel factory and he was talking about people bringing in their metals for cash. How his heart goes out to mothers who drive up in an old beater, with a child in a car seat, and stare at the scale hopeing it will be enough money to get what they need. He said he often helps them out as much as he can because their look is so desperate. Right then and there I was ashamed of my behavior. This person took me out of myself and had me look at someone else's worries for a change. So I thought about this for the rest of the evening,and when I went to bed I asked my HP to let me do his will. I asked him to once again take the reigns of my life, since I was doing my usual bang up job trying to control things. I asked him to open my eyes, my heart, to comfort my worries, and to let trust be my
guide. When I was finished, I felt a sense of calm, and lighteness. I also realized I am human and that I will have days like this. I do have a lot going on but I need to just do it, not build resentments,not feel sorry for myself. I'm worried about my son's surgery on Monday. That's a normal emotion. I've got a super busy weekend to get through but instead of letting it unfold I'm alreay trying to get past it. I am always amazed that just when I need a reminder the most my HP gives it to me, and this time it couldn't have come a moment too soon......

One Shot Wednesday....

2010-12-14T14:19:00.000-08:00

KELLY CLARKSON

My Grown Up Christmas List

Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies

Well, I'm all grown up now
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream

So here's my lifelong wish
My grown up christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list

As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree

Well heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list

What is this illusion called the innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth
(there'd be)

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end, oh
This is my grown up christmas list

This is my grown up christmas list......

This is my offering for One Shot Wednesday. Not my own making, but a song that is very beautiful and touches my heart every time I hear it. This truly is my Christmas list......

Holidays without ice....

2010-12-13T10:42:00.000-08:00

The holiday season. I love Christmas trees, and christmas music, time spent with friends, cards, etc. Oh and I love giving gifts. I love to surprise people. What I hate are the crowds. Yesterday was a nuthouse. I had no intentions of going out but since something I had just purchased at Target was big time on sale I wanted to get the price difference honored. Which enabled me to finish some other shopping. What a mistake. Lots of rude people in this world. However thanks to my program this didn't get me down, in fact I think I become even nicer when I'm faced with crabby people, sort of like an over the top nice pain in your a-- person! I smile, talk sweetly, and lay it on pretty thick, and you know what? it really drives crabby people nuts! Now I know this isn't right, but before I would be bitchy back and then no one was happy so at least now I get the satisfaction of killing them with kindness! So yes, I'm being rather evil but hey besides smoking an occasional cigar with my hubby I lead a pretty clean life these days! I mean when everyone at work is talking about what movies they saw, or what restaurant they ate at over the weekend, and I chime in "Hey my husband and I found a bag of extra crispy tator tots in the back of the freezer and ate them while we watched "Shrek the Final Chapter" and "How to Train your Dragon" , it's no wonder my co-workers stare at me extra long. But seriously how awesome is it to eat an unhealthy food, and laugh with your kids over a movie they want to watch. It's extra sweet. When AA talks about material wants disappearing I know what they are talking about. Things that I thought were important, things I thought that I had to make my life complete were really just things. So my outlook has changed for the season. The holidays for me used to mean lots of parties, lots of wine, lots of times I couldn't remember. How so much has changed in a year. For once I didn't go overboard Christmas shopping, for once I'm not planning a million things at once that I can't handle, and for once I'm letting our Christmas cards wait until I have time to do them. I'm too busy living this unglamorous, full time working, mother of three, wife, daughter, friend life of mine. I found myself in the toy section of Target humming "Let it Snow" yesterday. And speaking of snow we got over a foot of snow in less than 24 hours on Saturday. This would have driven me nuts, yes even mother nature at one time was against me or so I thought. Now it's beautiful. Deep piles of snow snuggle around our house. They make the outside lights festive, and only add to our ambiance. We have an anual party that we attend every year coming up. This is my first holidays without ice. No Manhattans, martinis, wine, old fashions, and its OK because minus the "ice" means minus the hangover, the black outs, the fights with my husband. The bloated, over exhausted me that was every December. The day after the party I have plans. I'm taking the kids to Breakfast with Santa, and then we have Christmas with my brother and his family at my parents Sunday afternoon. I won't be lying in my bed, afraid to open my eyes and evaluate the hangover headache I normally would have had. Today I'm planning on a nice weekend ahead, and then getting through Alex's surgery, and then we'll let Christmas unfold as it should. Thank you AA, not only did I throw out the ice in my glass, I also got rid of the ice around my heart........

Program first?!

2010-12-12T06:58:00.000-08:00

At yesterday's meeting one of my fellow alcoholics made this statement. My "program comes first even before my family". Now dropping this statement in a room full of alcoholics caused not one person to blink an eye. However he went on to say that when he tells people this they think him rude, selfish, and totally out of touch. I have watched this person grow so much in the last few months, it's amazing. He is filled with gratitude, humility, and yet he knows he's one sip away from destruction. We all are. We were sitting opposite of each other so I gave him a smile and said "My name is Liz, I'm an alcoholic and I totally agree". However I put my higher power first, He does for me what I can't do for myself, then program, then family. You see if I remove program, or HP then I am right where I was 10 months ago. And that is no place I want to revisit. I truly believe my HP designed and timed my walk through those doors. I had no plan, just me trying to control the show, with drinking as my guide, and all I did was continue to make a disaster of things. So the difference that has changed my life completely is that HP is in control, and my program keeps me on the straight and narrow. With these two things in place, my family reaps the benefits. I am a sober partner who can be counted on, I'm a sober mother, who can multi-task like a super hero. I am fixer of all things broken, counselor to all things of the heart, and maker of the nightly dinner. These are awesome titles. Ones I am proud to live up to each and every day. This week was typical. With many highs and lows (in other words life). Our oldest son Alex got his driver's license on Wednesday. I must say those were 20 very long and nerve wracking minutes, and when he came in he had no expression on his face so it wasn't until they asked me to sign that I knew he had passed! I can't believe I have a child who is driving, and that the next day is snowed and rained so he was blessed with dry roads for his test. Thursday morning I spent three hours at the podiatrist with this same child who two weeks ago had complained of his right foot hurting. I figured this was nothing, they would probably tell him not to wear the Chuck Converse shoes he loves and we would be on our way. Nope, abnormal growth something, something. In easier terms, he has four beautifully straight toes and a pinky toe that is almost sideways. All I had to do was glance at the x-rays and I knew it was serious. So on December 20th. he goes in for surgery. They will remove some of the extra bone, manipulate the toe straight, place permanent metal pins in the toe and then he will have two weeks of almost no movement, and then another 6 to 8 weeks of recovery. So no driving, no curling season and right now he is in Madison Wisconsin playing at a varsity level curling Bonspeil, because he's doing so well. Bummer, but that's life. But then when we got home, we found a letter in the mailbox stating that this same child will be receiving a medal for his academic excellence freshman year! So up, and down. Friday our middle child Sam fainted while singing carols at the nursing home with his class. The best part was he wasn't even embarrassed because the fainting gave him notoriety for the day. Grace had a little friend sleep over, and for the first time I got to see just how much girls are different than boys. With boys you just need video games, and lots of food. These girls made a gingerbread house, painted nails, played with Barbies, and giggled most of the night. How sweet all these happenings are. Where they happening before? Sure but I was too self medicated to notice, to care. So for me my program has to come before family. I wouldn't have a family without my program. AA is a program for grown ups. Believe me I know, I went from 17 to 41 in a matter of months. This program is for people who want to live a rich, full life. To be in the moment, whether that moment is laughter, happiness, sadness or grief, I now live in the moment. And these are precious times.........

Flash 55 Friday.....

2010-12-10T06:36:00.000-08:00

"Trouble in Paradise"

Jack Frost called in sick,
Mr. Fahrenheit wouldn't cooperate
And to make matters worse
Mr. Snowman noticed a "yellow"
spot near his bottom.
Suddenly he realized his nose
was gone! It wasn't in the
freezer, he asked Mrs. Snowman
if she had seen it.
"Ummmm no"....and she quickly
finished chopping the carrots for dinner....

See even snowman have bad days! Three inches of snow yesterday with freezing rain and 6-10 inches of snow coming tomorrow! Stay safe, stay warm, and have a rock'n weekend!

One Shot Wednesday.....

2010-12-07T17:00:00.000-08:00

Generations....

Opening the blinds
I pause to reflect
on that picture taken
so long ago.
Look how blue those
eyes were, how smooth
that skin.

Remember all the dreams
that filled that head?
Some came true, many did
not. The road we travel
isn't always smooth, and
life deals us hands we had
no intention of playing

But we survived. A little
worse for the wear, but still
intact, still growing, still
smiling, still full of hope.

I walk accross the room and my
eyes fall on another picture.
This one taken many years ago.
I never knew this picture existed
until grandpa showed me where
he kept you hidden. "When I die, it's
in my wallet, and it's yours"...I
remember when I held it in my hands

Look how blue those eyes were,
how smooth that skin. What were
your dreams? I know life dealt you
hands you didn't plan on playing.
But there you are, a little worse
for the wear, still intact, still smiling,
inspiring hope.

I wonder what her picture will be like?
Her eyes so blue, and skin so smooth..
Will her dreams come true? will life be kind,
let's hope like us, she will be intact, still
smiling, and still full of hope.....

I wrote this for myself, my grandmother, and my daughter. A single picture of me on our wedding day hangs smiling in our bedroom. It's funny, you never think you are getting old until you see yourself back when. As I pass by my desk a picture of my grandmother sits in a frame, circa 1934. It's soft sepia tones, and rosy cheeks make this picture priceless. My grandfather showed me this secret picture hidden in his wallet all those years shortly before he died. I was lucky enough to receive it. She has a sly, shy smile, which in turn makes me smile every time I look at it. Then before I reach the stairs is a picture of my daughter. It's summer, her hair is half wet, half dry from swimming at the lake. The colors are beautiful and she wears the same smile as her great-grandmother. Although she never knew her great grandmother she carries many of her personality traits and physical features. I feel blessed that they both are able to touch my life each and every day.....

Self-Centered...

2010-12-06T14:17:00.000-08:00

My sponsor and I spent some extra time in the AA Big Book last Thursday evening after our meeting. We focused on what I think to be one of mankind's biggest flaws: self-centeredness. Taking our part in things, looking at the past and figuring out what part we played. Of course before I came to AA I was a great martyr, and it was everyone else who was at fault not me. I was just the innocent bystander. I remember when one of my fellow members was listening to me talk a whole two weeks into the program. He kept nodding his head and finally he leaned towards me and said, "Yep you did a lot, but I bet you were the first person to bitch about it". I sat with my mouth opened speechless and finally I shut it. I didn't have a reply, because he was right. Like a DVD on rewind my mind flashed back to all my complaining and it was appalling. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Wow was I good at feeling sorry for myself. A twelve step program really helps you to take a walk away from your ego. To stand back and see yourself and your motives for what they really are. Do you do things for acollades? do you do them to make yourself look good? do you do things to please others? for approval? or do you do things because you want to and you don't need recognition, praise, or a thank you. You do it for all the right reasons. This is an area I need to work on. My sponsor pointed out that one of the ways to get out of yourself is to work with other. Sponsor another alcoholic. Getting involved, caring about people, feeling good with what you are doing, is an incredible way to bring you out of you. What's funny is this is an excellent way for all people to get rid of their self-centeredness. Addicts aren't the only people that could benefit from a 12 step program. But for now I need only worry about myself. To own up to my side of the street. I have grown in many ways but I also have a long way to go......

Flash 55 Friday

2010-12-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

Bubo Virginianus

Trudging through the newly fallen snow
trying to not make a sound
The dawn barely awake
the morning washed in grey
Lost in my thoughts I fail
to hear your call
"Hoo H'hoos"
"Hoo H'hoos"
I glance up in time to see
the expanse of your wings
and fell the breeze of feathers
"Hoo H'hoos"....

While hunting the last few weeks my husband happened upon a Great Horned Owl. I love owls! Such beautful creatures. He said the morning was dark and the owl swooped close to his head, calling his lonely call. He was surpised and delighted at the same time. What a great way to start the day! Hoping you all have a warm and cozy weekend.....

Soul Searching....

2010-12-02T10:15:00.000-08:00

This past weekend while my mother was staying with us we watched three movies. This is big, because I can barely sit through an hour of TV before I have to get up and do something. The first was "Eat, Pray, Love". I finished reading this book back in September. I liked both the book and the movie. I have heard people criticize Elizabeth Gilbert's journey. Some say it was self centered, she only cared about herself. But I disagree. I set out to find myself this past year. I get the journey. Yes, it is self centered by the healthier I become the better off those around me seem to be getting. I can give of myself without fear, without hesitation. If that is being self centered then I am guilty. The second movie was "Julie & Julia". I've watched this movie before but once again I love the journey. My husband gave me Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" for Christmas last year and I must say it is a trip and I can make an awesome Beef Bourguignon. Like Julie the blogger, blogging has helped save me. It gave me another channel for my thoughts and feelings. I also read Julia Child's book about her adventures in Paris with her husband. This is when she first starts cooking, and she finds her true passion. Cooking is one of the best ways for my oldest son (who loves good food) to spend time together. In fact we will be "french cooking" on Christmas Eve. So thank you Julie and Julia, you gave me cooking and blogging. The last movie we watched was "Grey Gardens" with Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore. This story has always intrigued me. What really struck me was the fact that these two women shared such a strange, strong, bond, that their whole world was able to fall apart and away from them and yet they really only needed each other. The human spirit is amazing in what it can endure, what it can survive. Once again in search of "soul". I am so grateful that I started my own journey one cold, dark February night. It has been painful, it has been enlightening. It has been filled with despair, laughter, tears, and contentment. Someone asked me not so long ago if I felt lucky to be an alcoholic and I said Yes! Being an alcoholic has opened my eyes to what is important, it has made me accountable, it keeps me in the moment. I laugh more, love deeper, smile a lot, but most importantly I have a soul. A soul filled with happiness, sadness, hope, love, joy, etc... and ten months ago that soul was empty. True happiness lies within my Higher Power who lives and dwells within me. I need no presents this year because I've been given the best present of all, another chance to really live......Peace

One Shot Wednesday.....Counting Days

2010-11-30T17:00:00.000-08:00

As I was digging
through the box
my hand pulled out
a piece of our past

I studied it for
a while and then
slowly unrolled my
treasure

Mother had made it
so long ago. Some
of the numbers are
squished together to fit

We always hung it
on the pantry door,
eagerly awaiting
December first

I would start
anxiously pulling out
the first day
a snowman, and
hanging it on the tree

Taking turns
we never fought
and we had our favorites

The candy cane
flying santa and reindeer
glistening angel and
shimmering tree

On Christmas Eve we
hung the last day together
Baby Jesus crowned
the top

Such sweet memories
and time to make
some more
I call to the kids
and head for the
pantry door.......

This past weekend I uncovered the advent calendar of my childhood. My brother David and I loved that calendar. We did even in high school. It was always neat to watch it fill up, and finally be able to hang the baby Jesus at the top. I brought it down for my children and they can't wait for Wednesday to hang the first item. My mother made this back in 1969. It is indeed a treasure....

The unbearable heaviness of being overwhelmed.....

2010-11-29T09:59:00.000-08:00

Sunday afternoon and my oldest and I head for Barnes and Noble. He goes one way I go another, grab a coffee, and we meet by the comfy chairs. He with an armful of contemporary art books and me with a copy of Melissa Gilbert's "Prairie Tales" - I knew from various magazine articles that Melissa is a recovering alcoholic. So I read the last five chapters of her book. I grew up watching her on "Little House on the Prairie, envied her when she dated Rob Lowe, and always liked her. I like her even more. As I read her spiral downward into final surrender there was a piece that really struck home with me: she talks about her husband being gone, her marriage hanging by a thread, being president of the Screen Actors Guild, being a mother to a pile of children, and being an alcoholic. She tells the tale of walking into her bedpost in the middle of the night. She knew she had done some damage so she heads to the bathroom to check it out. A large flap of skin is haning on her nose, but rather than wake her son to go to the hospital she slaps a bandage on it, sufferes through the night, and has her dermatologist stitch it up in the morning. She confesses that even at that point, when everything was flying out of control she would not admit that she was overwhelmed, she would not ask for help, and she would not surrender. What is it about us alcoholics that we can be so broken and yet refuse a helping hand? So many times people tried to help me, offer a hand, and I would smile and say "I've got it under control" but "thanks anyway". I never wanted anyone to know that I had a vein of weakness. I didn't want to confess that I wasn't superwoman. In other words I couldn't admit to myself that I was a flawed human being. So like Melissa I just kept plowing along. Denial has to be of the toughest laws of the universe. But then she went on to share her moment of clarity. She was up to three bottles of wine a night. She always kept her glass full so she could convince people she was still on her first glass. She had gone to the frig. was filling up her glass, and was caught by her son Michael. He confronted her about her drinking. She said she dumped the glass out, ran upstairs, and sobbed her soul out. She was so ashamed that her child knew she had a problem and she couldn't admit to it. Alex was my moment of clarity. After Grace and Sam would go to bed, I would grab the Vodka bottle and head for my glass. I would dig in the freezer for my ice,. clink, clink in the glass and start my nightly ritual. One night Alex had come upstairs to grab his books, as he was picking them up he looked at me, looked at the Vodka bottle, grabbed his books and left. At that moment a thought crossed my mind ,"whenever he hears ice clinking into a glass he will think of me and my drinking". That was it. I called AA then next day. I no longer wanted to be that souless person. I was in so deep that there wasn't any shred of light or hope visible. I was broken and I surrendered. This Thanksgiving Alex and I went and helped at the AA club, to help cook, and set up for a Thanksgiving dinner. He also attended a meeting with me, met many of the people I sit with a lot, and he heard me speak. I wasn't embarassed, or nervous, just myself. I hope he realizes what a huge part of my recovery he is. Now I recognize when I'm getting overwhelmed. I ask for help. I love my flawed and very human self and I hope you do too......